To be annoyed mum has cancelled sleepover last minute

[itispersonal]

dd was to have a sleepover at ours with a friend. Friend was meant to come over today between 12.30 to 1.30 just had a message from dd friend to say she’s had an argument with her mum and now she’s grounded and phone being taken off.

AIBU to be annoyed. Dd is ASC so has been waiting since waking up for friend to come over. Friend could have already been here. Snacks are already brought and plans had been made.

If friend has been in an argument with her mum, surely the consequence should be after this arrangement due to cancelling it so late and not let dd down.

well my mum had no idea where we were! We were just told to come home before dinner.

but that aside my mum was not calling other parents to arrange sleepovers. No one knew ever did that. Maybe your mum did but mine certainly didn’t. They certainly weren’t calling to do risk assessment as another poster suggested to check adults In The house and the pets.

The parents priority has to be their DC not their DCs social commitment to you or your DC.

Friend should apologise to your DD. I bet friends mum wanted her at the sleepover too. And certainly if the friend was being naughty at home her mum wouldn't want her behaving like that at your house

This
You don't even have her mums number. Surely that's a must incase of an accident or urgency.

Sounds a very loose and casual arrangement to start with.

Yes the mother is entitled to ground her daughter hardly is she going to worry about you , she dosent even know you. As you don't know her you don't even really know what's going on.

I.hope you don't let your daughter go.on sleepovers, and not give them your phone number.

My Mum wasn't quite that relaxed (but pretty relaxed). When I think about some of the things we got up to... :-o

Yes, my Mum did arrange sleep overs with other parents. I still remember being told that I was going to one I really, really didn't want to go to but she had promised so I was going (it was a full week). I think she just wanted the break.

I remember organising things with other parents. I also remember my 16 year old daughter had a friend whose mother had to come and meet me for a meal to check us out before her DD could visit. I didn't mind if it made her feel better, but no-one else was ever quite that involved. I also had one who would meet me regularly for coffee, as she liked to be in touch with her child's friends' parents. It does take all sorts to make a world. :)

I wouldn't disappoint another child necessarily to punish mine. I have in the past said yes to daytime and no to sleepover. Kids have a habit of presenting a done deal so they have to be let down anyway. I don't think k it's good parenting to send a badly behaved child to a treat.

As for not contacting parents before a sleepover, this is nuts. DS is nearly 15 and I still make sure I have a number for the parent. Out of politeness to check it's OK and also so you know they are doing what they say.

Could you have a conversation with the mother and explain that you’ve paid for the activities? You’ve mentioned twice that “things have been brought” so has she arranged to collect them? Just wondering if you could save the situation. If not, have a nice girlie night with your daughter.

It is up to the other mother how she chooses to manage her daughter’s behaviour. Actions must have consequences, it’s an important lesson for any child to learn.

It is up to OP to manage her own child - feeling disappointment over the change of plans is totally understandable however, that’s life and sometimes things like this happen. It’s a good lesson in building some resilience as situations like this will occur again during childhood and through adulthood.

If OP feels the other parent has been rude well everyone is entitled to their opinion.

Lastly it’s a good reminder to not build up arrangements, spend money etc until plans have been confirmed with the other parent and to also ensure you have the other parents contact information. My child would never go anywhere even for an hour without me having those details in place, especially at just 12 years old.

The girl should have still attended the sleepover and had her consequences when she got home. The time away would have provided space and cool off. No one would have wasted money, effort, or energy on a cancelled event. Your daughter wouldn't have been punished and the other girl would still have needed to make reparations.

OP - I would be disappointed but it’s up to the girl’s parent how they decide to discipline their child. Your child will learn that plans fall through sometimes and the other kid will learn that actions have consequences. As an aside - it is really important to coordinate and agree plans with the parents for security, emergencies etc. Perhaps if you had the mother’s number you could’ve communicated the plans and effort you’d gone to and maybe she wouldn’t have stopped the sleepover.

I'm sorry but it's not my job to make other people's children feel better, that's down to their parents and extended family. If they fail then that's on them. My role is to look after and protect my children. FYI I didn't ask my daughter to ice anyone anyone out. I said play with whoever at school but invite someone else over, so they don't let you down. I'm not going to worry about everyone's feelings, because clearly no-one is worried about my children's!

So it’s ok for you to put your child and their needs first, but not for other parents to do the same?

its also not my job to appease your child and protect them from disappointment. It’s my job to parent my child.

The other parent should have been the one to call you and apologise, it's a difficult one really because she has to parent how she thinks fit and too many kids don't have consequences for bad behaviour. It's awful it has impacted your daughter but that is for you to deal with so she knows it isn't a reflection on her. Hope you can find something to do together that cheers her up.

If my 12 year old daughter invited a friend to stay I’d contact the mother and check it was ok. That way I’d know it was. I wouldn’t leave it to the mother to contact me because that’s not how invitations work. I certainly wouldn’t allow my daughter to go and stay with a friend if I hadn’t spoken to a parent first and I’d expect both parents to have each other’s contact details in case of emergency.

The OP didn’t contact the mother, doesn’t have her contact details and would also allow her daughter to stay at a friend’s house without having contact with or contact details of the friend’s mother. That’s relaxed to the point of negligent parenting.

I’m with you OP. Yes the child should have been punished but not if it also meant punishing your child and by extension you through financial loss and having to deal with an upset child.

The other parent could have found alternative punishment like device removal for a week. Surely cancelling the sleepover wasn’t the only option. Pretty shitty.

That was me who said that. And I suppose you are right it does sound like a risk assent, but one of the girls had never been to a sleepover and another girl (cultural preference I assume) wasn’t allowed to go to sleepover where there were brothers (dads seemed fine but no older brothers). I had one of my daughters friends stay previously that was allergic to cats so since then I have given details of my family set up to parents to ensure they are comfortable (and no allergies).

I have an older DD too and did similar for her after the first time she slept over at a new friends house (and I hadn’t done any due diligence) I picked her up from the house that was filled with animals and very dirty with lots of family members living there. My daughter hated that sleepover and again things like this have made me be more proactive and put new parents minds at ease.

it may not be how you do things and I know lots of parents that don’t but in our area this works for us and is appreciated.

my mum used to call my friends parents (when I was 12/13), to check arrangements with parents and I’m 42 so this isn’t new.

as they get older it is different but imo 12 is still very young.

As usual on mn as people don’t agree with op they stop replying @itispersonal

i am still astounded that op didn’t have the mums number or speak to her before agreeing to a sleepover

and that op herself seems ok to send her daughter to a house she doesn’t know , and who lives there - and no contact with parents

they are kids

Astounded 😂

How many times can a few posters say the same thing!

She didnt dignify the ridiculous personal attacks with a response, good for her

Plenty of people did agree. I don’t blame her for not responding to the ridiculous comments or spiteful digs. I can’t believe how unpleasant people will get on here over literally any topic.

You sound far too invested.

Yeh I don't think that it's fair that she's effectively punishing your daughter as well. And teaching her daughter that it's fine to let people down at short notice. The consequence should be something else.

YABU. As a parent sometimes you have to make difficult choices.

Hell would freeze over before I let any of mine stay at someone’s house when arrangements are made entirely between children. It’s an even stronger no where we haven’t met parents. They’re twelve and it never occurred to you to ask for the mother’s number?

How do you know the other mother knew about the sleep over before this morning? Entirely possible it was foisted on her last minute and that’s what fight was about. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Then again, maybe not eh!

I did reply! I’ve just moved on

sorry wrong reply

It’s the day after! I’ve moved on!

I would have met the parent at drop off, children have phone!

If you had her number this could have been maybe resolved yesterday

maybe her dd didn’t even say to the mum about a sleepover

you will never know

myself and others find it weird that you are so casual about your dd having a girl to stay - who you don’t know or the parents

equally you said you would be the same with dd staying with someone you didn’t know and would meet the parents on the drop off

yes everyone on mn reacts differently but many of us think is weird

you just don’t know who else they have in their house

anyway as you said that’s yesterday

going toward - would you have this girl back to stay if dd/her plan sleepover for next weekend ?