To be annoyed mum has cancelled sleepover last minute

[itispersonal]

dd was to have a sleepover at ours with a friend. Friend was meant to come over today between 12.30 to 1.30 just had a message from dd friend to say she’s had an argument with her mum and now she’s grounded and phone being taken off.

AIBU to be annoyed. Dd is ASC so has been waiting since waking up for friend to come over. Friend could have already been here. Snacks are already brought and plans had been made.

If friend has been in an argument with her mum, surely the consequence should be after this arrangement due to cancelling it so late and not let dd down.

I have a funny feeling the child didn't ask her DM, she cancelled using her DM as an excuse.
Her DM could have no idea.
Maybe she was nervous.
I didn't like sleepovers as a DC.

Things might not be as they seem - when my children were younger I always gave them permission to blame me if they wanted to get out of a situation without having to explain themselves. Sure there mates probably thought I was a dragon but they weren’t my priority. (The reasons for them not wanting to do things varied from not feeling comfortable with others going, on their period, they just didn’t want to go).

Whilst it’s inconvenient for you and obviously disappointing for your dd but if a parent has set a consequence then you should just accept it for what it is and arrange a nice time for you and dd.

If my DD was going to a friend's for a sleepover I'd want to speak to her friends parents first. Who lets their kids go to a sleepover without knowing what the other kids parent is like? Maybe DD friend didn't ask permission and just TOLD her mom she was going to a sleepover and her parents said no, you are not!! Contact between parents in cases of sleepovers I think are essential.

Her child dealing with the disappointment of your DD, her friend, is part of the punishment. I don't know the circumstances that led to this punishment, but it might be appropriate. If a natural or logical consequence of whatever went down at the other girl's house.

I am too quite shocked by this. When my DD started secondary school she made lots of new friends that weren’t from her primary so I didn’t know the parents. She wanted a sleepover for her birthday and I said that I needed all the parents numbers first. I then messaged all the parents (well mums) to ask if 1) they were happy with a sleepover, 2) explained who also lives in our house (including siblings and pets) 3) anything I need to know about their kids (allergies, sleep walking, needing lights on etc etc)
4) and obvs pick up and drop off times and what they needed to bring

my daughter has subsequently slept over at others and the mums did similar.

I feel happier knowing I have their contact details incase of any emergency (with their child).

Bloody hell
You'd just let your kid go off to someone else's house for the night without even knowing if it was ok with the parents or not?! How would you not confirm details first?! Would you at least get the exchange phone numbers when you dropped them off in case of emergency?
If you're going on the words of two 12 year olds that a sleepover is happening then sorry but this could have been avoided by checking everything was ok with the mum first. For all she knew that might have been the first she'd heard of it that day, and might have been uncomfortable with it/had other plans.

So they should prioritise their children’s friends over parenting their own child?

and you think THEY are the ones who aren’t bright?

ok 😂

I’m with you @itispersonal and I hope your dd had a lovely time despite the changes.
I would never ground my son and stop him
playing in his football game for example as he’d be letting the team down. So a punishment for him shouldn’t impact others.

It’s not prioritising, it’s just basic manners. If another parent has spent time and money making plans just to have them cancelled at the last minute it’s a bit off isn’t it? Other punishments are available.

Shocked at all the outrage about a sleepover with a mum you don’t know. I did this every week as a teen! Often there’d be loads of us piled into one house. My mum would always try and have a chat with the parents when dropping me off but that was it. And this was in the days before phone tracking.

Your child wasn't punished, she was let down. That's on her friend, not her friend's mum.

It's understandably frustrating and annoying to be let down last minute. However, being denied a lovely treat is an age appropriate punishment. The other mother is parenting her child as she sees fit and that's ok.

It's good parenting! Sorry but if she'd let her daughter still have a sleepover at yours after being disrespectful to her parents then that would enforce that bad behaviour is okay if you've got something planned with someone as you'll still get to do the treat.
Also you say she's got the same amount of teen disrespect as others but you don't know that that is the case at home.
My son's friend seems like the politest boy you could meet when he's at other people's houses "yes please Mrs manatee" etc but he's just been arrested for beating up his mum so bad that she's in hospital, so you don't know what goes on behind closed doors.

“Time and money making plans”

oh come on - the crisps will keep.

“basic manners” you sound like Hyacinth

basic parenting sometimes means you focus on your child & what they need. Sometimes they get grounded as a consequence of their actions. That another grown adult has purchased a few snacks should have zero bearing on the situation.

At 12, your DD needs to understand that plans sometimes have to change at the last minute, for various reasons, and that it is not her fault. That is life.

You realise it's likely that the mother had no idea these plans were being made?

That's what 12 year olds do they make plans without talking to their parents first. There's no way I'd be arranging a sleepover just through the communication of 2 12 year olds.

Sorry but this is on you!

Totally agree. You have to remember your family unit still functions in society and this behaviour (from the other parent) may have appropriately punished her own daughter. But at the expense of OP and OP’s daughter. It’s tricky when we all have different values, but I think this was self-focused of the other family and pretty rude. It’s not all about your own family first at all costs.

Exactly this. It's just a quick conversation with the OP's daughter about the consequences of her friend's behaviour unfortunately having an impact. If the OP's daughter is annoyed with her friend, well that is a consequence too. It's all life lessons. If there are things like an event ticket that can't be used, ask for the money for it back. This kind of inconvenience and disruption for children is OK.

It sounds like the kids organised this. Maybe the other girl's mother had told her, "You need to check with my first. Next time you spring this on me last minute the answer will be no." If so, fair consequence, she's following through, and the other girl will hopefully learn.

Yes, me too. I'm not convinced by the "normal amount of teen attitude". Just how much are parents supposed to put up with?

I'm surprised at the number of parents "shocked" that 12yos make plans and claim the parents don't know.

Its very normal for Secondary kids to make plans, asking permission from parents then the parents having communication at drop off if necessary. Its not primary school where you've seen the sane parents for years.
Often the communication I have with DSs friends parents is when they call each other and then hand the phones to their mums.

It's good parenting to model to a 12 year old that it's ok to inconvenience and disappoint other people because you can't think of better consequences? A 12 year old is not a young child requiring an immediate reaction.

A better consequence would involve talking and explaining (which older children hate anyway). X happened, but because firm arrangements have already been made, you will go ahead and do Y - even though your behaviour has been appalling. However, you haven't got away with (behaviour) because tomorrow, you will start your punishment for (behaviour), which will be (consequences).

I think there has been a knee jerk reaction here and mother is lashing out in anger. And that is never a good way to deal with older children and teenagers. Punishments should be considered calmly and without anger. Yes, of course I know it's difficult and I do know it's hard to stop yourself lashing out in anger, but that's what the adult in a relationship has to do.

Yes, it's good parenting to show that your actions and poor choices may not just have an impact on your own enjoyment. It's not that big a deal, yes the dd will be disappointed, but that can be managed by good parenting on the ops part. Being disappointed is not the same as being punished.

Precisely.

Where does it say the mother had no idea the plans were made? All that has been said is that the OP never personally confirmed them, that’s not the
same thing.

Exactly! This is my experience also. I knew who the children were as they were in their classes but I assumed that when I was asked if they could stay over at So and so’s house it had been cleared with the other parent. And funnily enough it always had been!

@itispersonal, I think the lesson for you here is that you mustn't make plans with DDs friends without parental contact. This is a horrible situation but it sounds like it is all on the friend's mother/parents.

They feel that they can treat you like this because they have had no interaction with you, I suspect. I don't think that there has been any consideration of you and your family in this. At the very least, the mother should have contacted you directly and told you what was going on, but then,I'm sorry to say, we have to learn to expect bad behaviour from someone who presumably agreed to a 12 year old sleeping over without actually establishing contact with another adult.