To be annoyed mum has cancelled sleepover last minute

[itispersonal]

dd was to have a sleepover at ours with a friend. Friend was meant to come over today between 12.30 to 1.30 just had a message from dd friend to say she’s had an argument with her mum and now she’s grounded and phone being taken off.

AIBU to be annoyed. Dd is ASC so has been waiting since waking up for friend to come over. Friend could have already been here. Snacks are already brought and plans had been made.

If friend has been in an argument with her mum, surely the consequence should be after this arrangement due to cancelling it so late and not let dd down.

the parent wasn’t punishing the other child for having a strict parent, she was protecting her child from that parent cancelling again if her child misbehaved again. It isn’t worth the risk of having your child upset again.

You don’t have her number yet having her daughter over to stay the night ?

there is no way I would send dd to a sleepover at a child’s / mums house I don’t know or have spoken to

and yes her cancelling seems harsh as ruins your plans and if you have brought extra snacks etc

It's utterly bad mannered and selfish of them to let you down like this. Now your child is being punished.

Fucking yikes. 😬 This is terrible and lax parenting.

Thats only the case if the subject is too young to reason and discuss with, ie a toddler, or a dog.

The child in this instance is neither and perfectly able to understand 'you are grounded from x day to y day, because you did z'.

💁‍♀️🙄🥱

As opposed to allowing a strict parent punishing my child?!!! There're other ways to punish children without it impacting other children.

Absolutely agree with this.

This thread is a bit wild. So many posters are framing it as the OP's child has been punished for the behaviour of her friend and yet there is no evidence that the friends mum had given permission for the sleep over at all and OP did not see fit to have contact with her to confirm arrangements. The friends mum is being blamed but she may have had no knowledge of the sleep over and the friend has just changed her mind.

Perhaps the mum did cancel but everyone seems to think there would have been another more suitable punishment without even knowing what behaviour lead to the punishment. The friend could have set a siblings hair on fire for all we know.

The sleep over might have been cancelled because the friend did not check with the mum and the family had other plans. We just don't know.

The sleep over could have been cancelled for any number of reasons and it's really unreasonable for strangers, with limited information, to be sure they know better how to parent someone else's child. Whatever the details or the reason the net result is a disappointed 12 year old and the OP out of pocket for some snacks. It's not helpful for the OP of her child to feel something has been "done to them", it's life, stuff happens, the daughter needs to learn how to deal with such things and move on rather than her mum encouraging her to feel victimised.

I feel more sympathy for the girl who has to live with that mother every day and now has her friend's mum encouraging her daughter to not play with her. 🤷🏼

Your original complaint was that the mum indirectly punished your daughter by not letting her friend attend the playdate. You're doing the same thing to the other girl.

I don't want to derail the original thread here. You're trying to protect your daughter. I think disappointment over a cancelled play date is easier to get over than being systematically iced out of a friendship.

To be fair she might not have even known, my 11 year old daughter always makes plans with friends without asking me first and then I have to tell her no because she tells me last minute and I wouldn't be comfortable allowing her to go to someone's house who I've never even spoken to before so maybe she did the same thing, you've only got the word of a 12 year old not the mother

Op it is usual for parents to make arrangements when the children are still children. As a parents of a twelve year old I would expect to be asked, I would want all of the details, including knowing you as a family, and the dc would not be left to make arrangements themselves. I find it very odd you do not seem to have done this, and my dc would not be attending.

After the age of sixteen they start to arrange things themselves, checking with parents first.

The other parent 100% did the right thing, a punishment has to be immediate or it becomes meaningless

Can your dd invite another friend? Or family member so you don't lose out?

So I’m a behaviour and sen specialist and in this instance the other parent is correct as hard as it is for your daughter. Delaying her sanction would lessen the effect.
I would think it’s curtesy of the other parent though to call and apologies.
The friend should do the same as that’s led to the actions of it being cancelled.
Your daughter will need to learn to experience disappointment at some point and becoming a teenager there’s bound to be a lot but it will built resilience and become a positive thing if handled by your correctly.

No. She had every right to punish her school as she wishes. And I would be making said child phone with sincere apologies for HER disruption to your household. And make amends for it. But no, the mum is in the right. Punishing her after makes zero sense.

Sorry for the poor typing I’m trying to multitask

but as I said before though- that’s all well and good but when that child has no one inviting them to play dates and sleepovers as no one will want to take the risk of that mum cancelling again- is that a good thing for the child in question?

The other parent is allowed to punish her child how she sees fit. If the child was out of line why should she still get to come for a sleep over? Im sorry your child was affected but this other child knew she had the sleep over and still choose to misbehave. Actions have consequences and both children need to realise this. Sometimes those actions and consequences are out of our control yet still affect us. Thats life.

I think this is pretty selfish of the other parent. She’s not only punishing her daughter but this decision impacts others! Has the mother contacted you directly? I would feel sad for your daughter but will still go ahead and have a nice day to try and compensate her. I’d let the other mum know that I was disappointed too.

Eugh I can’t imagine the upset that would cause my son 😭 He is AuDHD and struggles with change at the best of times, but anything last minute is really difficult for him - which of course can’t be avoided in life! People get ill or events get cancelled etc and I spend my life trying to explain and manage this…but this situation COULD have been avoided!! Additionally, removing time with a friend is not a natural consequence to an argument with a parent. I absolutely hate everything about this and I’m sorry that you were both subjected to this ❤️

Absolutely shook 😳

Does anyone actually know the context? There’s a lot of assumptions about how mean and over the top the mum is being. I’ve seen a lot of parents who frankly don’t do anywhere near enough to set boundaries for their children. They make empty threats and then don’t follow through, their child walks away thinking it’s ok and nothing gets addressed. Some of those parents then expect support because by the time it worsens it’s too late. So unless you know exactly what has happened then it’s down to the mum to set her child’s boundaries. Parents need to be able to crack on and parent without others deciding it’s shitty because their child is let down. It’s unfortunate but I have a lot of respect for someone who deals with issues, ultimately they usually know what’s best for their children.

you have some staying and not the other parents contact details??? What if there was an emergency?

I think it’s good parenting on the other child’s parents part. Doesn’t help your child tho who will feel like they are being punished as well :(