To have limited sympathy with ds with these GCSE results or am I to blame?

[coffeerevelsrule]

I am starting to struggle with the way ds has reacted to his GCSE results, though I also feel a bit guilty and din't know if I should have done more to improve them.

So he got 3x 8s, 4 x 7s, 2 x 6s and failed further maths - taught in hour long sessions once a fortnight after school in Y11 only. One of the 6s was a subject he had originally had as his top A level choice (chem) but he'd been wobbling on that for a while, probably as he suspected it wasn't going as well as it could have. My original reaction was to be thrilled and proud (and a tiny bit relieved) but as his mood has dipped so has mine.

Background is his brother got all 9s 2 years ago and has just got all A stars and an Oxbridge place. He was also head boy, captain of a sports team, very confident all round and insanely driven. I wouldn't say gifted but very competitive and very strategic in how he approached study, revision, Oxbridge prep - everything. DS2 is much quieter, not sporty and not driven. He's bright, whatever that actually means, but not competitive and not especially hard working. Not lazy and actually diligent - would hate to get told off for not doing something, but not burning with curiosity or a desire to beat his best score, or that of his friend, either.

As an only child who's heard nightmare tales of sibling rivalry, I always feared his trying to compete with ds1 and coming up short so I have been careful not to push, not to compare and not to suggest ds1 is a role model to be emulated. I thought that was the right thing to do but now ds2 is disappointed with his results. He wanted a couple of 9s, he thinks he looks 'shit' compared to ds1 and he didn't want any 6s. 'Everyone' has done better, apparently. Maybe I gave the message that I didn't think him capable of what ds1 did, but this is not my view - I just didn't want to cause him stress or make their relationship toxic.

My patience is wearing thin. I didn't push but we did have many conversations about his work ethic, whether he was revising, what he was doing when he came across topics he didn't understand etc. He was always highly resistant to any input from me, insisted he knew best to the point of stubbornness. I also teach one of the subjects (his least fave) and was always offering to help with that, mark answers etc and he was highly resistant, though we did some. He got 7 in that in the end, which I think is good as he hated it but now he is complaining as another friend with a teacher parent got a 9 in that subject despite doing worse in the mocks than him. Yes, ds, but I offered more help and you barely took me up on it! In the mock he finished 25 minutes before the end and insisted 'everyone' had, despite my saying I had never come across high achievers who could do that in my subject, never. But he knew best. His Y10 mocks were a wake up call and he cried then too, but the Dec mocks were better (quite similar to these) so maybe that lulled me into a false sense of security, I don't know.

I feel like saying, 'if you wanted 9s you should have put more work in and listened to advice, now stop complaining!' Would this be unreasonable? His brother is bright but also hardworking and ds2 is less so. This is the consequence and it's hardly a disaster anyway. Or would that be too harsh? I really don't want the same at A level and I think those grades will ultimately be more important than these so I'm wondering do I need to handle it differently and toughen up from the start?

In short, have I let him down by allowing him to coast a bit? DS1 thinks so...

Jesus. Your poor kid. Maybe you should come over to the GCSE results thread where some parents are celebrating their kids scraping 4s to get some perspective. Your DS2 has achieved fantastic results! If he's comparing himself unfavourably to his older brother, it's because you are fostering that comparison. Take this comment you made on an earlier post:

Ds1 set out to get all 9s and did all he could to achieve that. Ds2 didn't and in many ways that was a good choice.

You are essentially telling him he's done crap and his brother did better.

Tell him to remember how he feels, write down as we tend to forget exactly how we feel. Let it drive him
for A levels and make sure he doesn’t feel like this again. Don’t fear failure but be terrified of regret. He is regretful as he knows they’re not a true reflection of his capability. If you have left everything on the table and you tried your hardest you will be proud of the outcome.

This.

If he feels he tried his best then that’s all that matters- he got the best grades possible then.

If he feels he could’ve/should've done better, then that’s on him and how much effort he put in. Life can be tough when reality bites

Say ..
The grades are a fine result for your efforts, DS.
Should I have insisted that you do more structured homework?

It is scary. And the constant articles about how even people with Oxbridge degrees are struggling to find jobs doesn't help (Times, a reliable source). Our poor kids. I wish I could move to a place that doesn't have all this exam pressure. OP, please just continue to tell him you're proud of him, grades are not the be-all, and all that we really want for our kids is for them to be happy.

I think he has done very well indeed and you need to stop comparing them and let him find his own path. I have one DD who is very driven and academic and one who is very laid back and not academic. I certainly don't push her to follow the same path as her sister and love them both so much for who they are as individuals.

So, we let my DS coast and he failed a GCSE, got a 4 and the rest were 5s and 6s. He lost his place at a prestigious state boarding school as a result. DH and I kicked ourselves. DS kicked himself.

Forced to attend the only state/tech that would have him and just got an AAB in his AS Levels (asking for a remark on the B as he only missed it by 2 marks).

Frankly, has been the making of him. His attendance/punctuality is 100%. He has handed in every assignment on time and never missed one. His ego is well and truly parked. He realises that he didn’t listen to advice or take on board revision and exam advice for his GCSEs, thought he knew it all, but has hung on every word in AS/Y12. Feels he only has himself to blame. But he is now predicted AstarAstarA for next year and even looking at Imperial. He really wants it and has learned from what has happened. If you are going to stuff up a little, GCSE is the time to do it as it matters much less than A Levels or the degree itself.

Your DS’d grades are still in the top 10% nationally and if he pulls his finger out and makes an effort in A Levels, his GCSE will just be a small ‘blip’ [tiny in fact given he has 7s and 8s].

I think the thing to focus on is that those are really good results. Take his brother out of the picture, and he’d probably be celebrating.

It must be really shit being the sibling - especially the younger sibling of a super high achieving child.

I think I’d just keep emphasising to DS2 that he’s done really well.

In terms of how hard he has or hasn’t worked, I wouldn’t drive the message home about how he could have worked harder - some kids do struggle with this - but more that there’s still all to play for with A Levels, and that now he knows more what’s involved in exams he can make more of a strategy next time.

Maybe you will have to help him a bit to get that strategy together- maybe ask the school for help with it - but I don’t think you’ve been a shit parent at all.

He probably couldn't have worked harder as it's not in his nature to. Not all of us are workaholics, I'm really glad I'm not. I was mentally capable of getting top grades but temperamentally unsuited.

Personally I'd be praising him for doing as well as he has.

I'd want him to be super happy with the 3 x 8s.
And the rest are very solid.

I'd say ok does this affect what you want to do for A level?

|And if he said is disappointed I'd say well actually it's fine/good, but at least only GCSEs - you now have chance at A level to add really good revision and preparation to your natural ability, and show everyone what you can do. And enjoy getting into your subjects in depth.
It's not all about assessment.

I can't believe the number of people who are saying that OP is comparing her sons. She is pointing out to us the fact that DS1 got all 9s and has explained that it's her son who is comparing himself to his high achieving friends with the high achieving brother as a kind of "background".

I read OP's post as not knowing how to deal with her son when he bemoans his grades. She has told him they're fine, but he refuses to believe her

OP I think he's angry with himself and is taking it out on you. I would just reiterate that they're brilliant grades, but that if he wants super brilliant then he needs to reflect on what he could have done better to improve them.

And you sound as if the three of you have a really great relationship. I don't get a sense of a "golden child" at all

You haven't let him down. Maybe he's just not that academic which is fine Good grades aren't a measure of intelligence either. Some of the most intelligent, interesting, creative, talented people I know were classed as "average " in school.
It does sound like he's putting way too much pressure on himself though I'd focus more on helping him find his way and what's right for him.

@wizzywig
I honestly don't know, my FIL doesn't mark A level papers just GCSE . I'm sure the pressure kids are under is greater now...and I also think SM may have added to the pressure, my FB is covered in posts regarding how well kids have done. Rightly or wrongly there are many parental posts this morning regarding results

Poor boy, yes, they are very good results but clever kids tend to hang out with other clever kids and if his friends are getting 9s and he hasn't then that will sting. We had this a bit last year with DD1, she got 6s, 7s and 8s and then at prize giving ALL her friends got academic awards (including her friend who had bad attendance because of anxiety) and she didn't so we had tears that night as well. So she started college feeling a bit shit about herself despite having what are clearly very good results. She had worked hard for her GCSEs but focussed on her favourite subjects and was more disappointed about the lack of any 9s than she was about the 6s (and school let the top students coast a bit because her year had a lot of attendance issues post Covid). She's worked very well at college and got As in her end of year mocks so her predicted grades will be A stars but she wants to do medicine and so her 'poor' GCSEs are still bothering her. She did her UCAT yesterday and got a 'good' but not exceptional result so we had tears all day. Not helped by DD2 doing very well in her GCSEs and being really happy with her results. So I had one very happy daughter and one very upset daughter which was an interesting balancing act. Stupid thing is that if she hadn't decided she wanted to be a doctor earlier this year then she'd be happy doing her A levels and performing well in them.

I have no advice, it's very hard when bright kids are feeling so bad about good results. I told DD1 that her grades wouldn't stop her doing anything she wanted but it feels now like I was wrong because she wants to do such a competitive subject so I'm getting blamed for lying to her about that. We are their safe place and they take it out on us, we can't say the right thing because whatever we say will be wrong because they are taking out their annoyance at themselves on us. I'd say don't even try to give any advice because that will definitely be wrong, just be a comforting presence. They are bright kids and will eventually come to realise that being the all 9s student isn't the only indicator of success, I know DD1 has things she is better at than DD2 that means she'll be successful in life but at today it's all about academic success to them.

I know a few teens who are upsetvthey didnt get 9s. Not the end of the world as they got 7s (A).

I would probably encourage him not to compare himself to his brother but be inspired by him....reassure him you love him and how he can approach a level.

That’s why I’m glad ours at a mixed comp not one of these hot house type schools. Yes there are the string of 9s perfect Peters but also the ones that work hard but scrape or don’t pass English and maths. Puts things in perspective.

Not quite as I thought then but I still think that your younger son’s results and whether you allowed him to slack off a bit aren’t his brother’s concern.

Let me tell you a story.

My son did well at GCSEs and got similar results to yours.In my family, it’s the younger one who did better at GCSEs and A levels. His GCSEs weren’t bad but his lowest grade was in his favourite subject. I asked him if he was disappointed in that and he accused me of being disappointed but I wasn’t.

i know at A level he could have worked harder. In one subject after a good start he struggled. He got OK results. What mattered to him was getting a degree apprenticeship with a big local employer also a multinational and he’d already been knocked back in the application round. He took a year out and reapplied having got exactly the right amount of ucas points for the course and got offered a position.He put so much effort into preparing for interview that it really helped him.

Hes had such a successful year since he started. He’s often got some of the best scores in uni assignments out of his cohort but also his work reviews have been amazing. He’s been given extra work as he grasped it so quickly. He’s enjoying it so much and about to move to his second placement. He puts the effort in because he loves it. He’s got quite a nice life.

All they need to do at this stage is get what they need to move to the next one. Remind him of that. Explain that comparing yourself with others is not helpful. Just focus on the next stage. It’s so hard at that age to know what they want to do but that can help. All you can do is encourage him to think about what excites him and will motivate him.

But also, it’s natural to be disappointed when you think you will do better. Encourage him to think about whether he could have done more or differently and be sympathetic because the feeling will pass.

Way to cause a wedge between sons OP

Well Done !
Golden Boy can do no wrong and your younger DS will pick up on that .

Absolutely

They are great results! I think you need to let him sit with his feelings for a bit but definitely ask positive questions around what he'd like to do differently for A levels. Comparison to others isn't helpful and in the days of social media, is even worse. He can't blame it on you and needs to get out of that habit. Personally I would try and steer away from trying to fix it for him. Hard I know!

Thanks again for all the helpful replies.

@MaloryJones You clearly haven't read everything I've written so why bother commenting?

One thing I ought to make clear is that DS2 is not blaming me. It's only ds1 who's made any comments along those lines and I was thinking it anyway, though the thread has reassured me. DS2 is just miserable and not really blaming anyone at least not aloud. It's more a generalised 'I'm shit, this is shit, woe is me,' vibe that he is emitting (bit less so today). That sounds as if I'm being dismissive and I'm really not as I hate that he feels down when he really should be celebrating.

It’s a shame he even compares. Dd1 is academically better but dd2 is genuinely fine with this as she is so confident in herself and seeks out other things - if dd1 did a subject or sport dd2 automatically rejects it and does something else then we all celebrate that.

He needs to find that confidence in himself somehow. What his brother does is neither here nor there. I will be shouted at but think this is more of an issue when you have 2 boys - your exact scenario is Dh and his younger brother who is still basically pissed off with him 30 odd years on from their a levels 🙄

What made everything worse was that BIL tried to do exactly what Dh had done and failed. So the comparison was stark. He was never going to get into Oxford - it would have been kinder if someone had sat him down and explained that but no one did. So instead of doing his own thing he tried to follow Dh and could not. Mortifying.