To have limited sympathy with ds with these GCSE results or am I to blame?

[coffeerevelsrule]

I am starting to struggle with the way ds has reacted to his GCSE results, though I also feel a bit guilty and din't know if I should have done more to improve them.

So he got 3x 8s, 4 x 7s, 2 x 6s and failed further maths - taught in hour long sessions once a fortnight after school in Y11 only. One of the 6s was a subject he had originally had as his top A level choice (chem) but he'd been wobbling on that for a while, probably as he suspected it wasn't going as well as it could have. My original reaction was to be thrilled and proud (and a tiny bit relieved) but as his mood has dipped so has mine.

Background is his brother got all 9s 2 years ago and has just got all A stars and an Oxbridge place. He was also head boy, captain of a sports team, very confident all round and insanely driven. I wouldn't say gifted but very competitive and very strategic in how he approached study, revision, Oxbridge prep - everything. DS2 is much quieter, not sporty and not driven. He's bright, whatever that actually means, but not competitive and not especially hard working. Not lazy and actually diligent - would hate to get told off for not doing something, but not burning with curiosity or a desire to beat his best score, or that of his friend, either.

As an only child who's heard nightmare tales of sibling rivalry, I always feared his trying to compete with ds1 and coming up short so I have been careful not to push, not to compare and not to suggest ds1 is a role model to be emulated. I thought that was the right thing to do but now ds2 is disappointed with his results. He wanted a couple of 9s, he thinks he looks 'shit' compared to ds1 and he didn't want any 6s. 'Everyone' has done better, apparently. Maybe I gave the message that I didn't think him capable of what ds1 did, but this is not my view - I just didn't want to cause him stress or make their relationship toxic.

My patience is wearing thin. I didn't push but we did have many conversations about his work ethic, whether he was revising, what he was doing when he came across topics he didn't understand etc. He was always highly resistant to any input from me, insisted he knew best to the point of stubbornness. I also teach one of the subjects (his least fave) and was always offering to help with that, mark answers etc and he was highly resistant, though we did some. He got 7 in that in the end, which I think is good as he hated it but now he is complaining as another friend with a teacher parent got a 9 in that subject despite doing worse in the mocks than him. Yes, ds, but I offered more help and you barely took me up on it! In the mock he finished 25 minutes before the end and insisted 'everyone' had, despite my saying I had never come across high achievers who could do that in my subject, never. But he knew best. His Y10 mocks were a wake up call and he cried then too, but the Dec mocks were better (quite similar to these) so maybe that lulled me into a false sense of security, I don't know.

I feel like saying, 'if you wanted 9s you should have put more work in and listened to advice, now stop complaining!' Would this be unreasonable? His brother is bright but also hardworking and ds2 is less so. This is the consequence and it's hardly a disaster anyway. Or would that be too harsh? I really don't want the same at A level and I think those grades will ultimately be more important than these so I'm wondering do I need to handle it differently and toughen up from the start?

In short, have I let him down by allowing him to coast a bit? DS1 thinks so...

I would step back and give the kid a bit of time to feel his feelings. It just happened! He’s only 16 and learning a valuable life lesson. It’s natural that he might blame you, even though it’s clearly not your fault. That’s just standard teenage behaviour. He’s a CHILD.

I was devastated at my (very good) GCSE results because I knew I could’ve done better. I knew the results were mostly my fault, but I also felt my parents could have done more to help me. They thought leaving me to it was the right approach. Doesn’t really matter who’s right as what’s done is done.

Definitely don’t tell him he should’ve put more work in - he knows that even if he doesn’t admit it. I would let things settle down, and then maybe have a chat about how he’d like you to support him through A Levels.

From where I’m sitting it sounds like you did a great job and offered help that was declined. I have one driven child and one more relaxed, so I totally get where you’re coming from, but you can only do so much. It’s up to him to take the help that’s offered…

You’re always going to feel you could have done more as a mum. I think waiting for it to settle and then see how he feels it sounds like it might be the kick up the bum before A levels that he needs. Good luck and remember that you can’t be a perfect parent either so give yourself a break about not getting through to him earlier.

I feel the same way about DD and her A level results. She got Bs. She was predicted and expected As but she did not frankly put in the level of work to deserve that. I warned her that if she spent all her time hanging out with her friends and boyfriend she can’t expect top grades and here we are. It is a choice that she made and she has to bear the consequences. I have not said anything directly. I have told her I am proud of her and will always love her and it’s true but I expect she knows that I am thinking ‘told you so.’ I don’t think this is on me although I feel awful about it and seeing her so disappointed. She is also taking no steps to make a plan B. I feel I have to step back at this point as she is an adult now and has to own her own decisions. Honestly I do genuinely just want her to be happy but I feel a hard lesson has been learned that you have to work for things that you want. I think if I have been guilty of anything it’s trying to do too much for them and they’ve had too much on a plate. DD is the eldest so at least there was nothing to compare to. DS is lazier still so I doubt we will have to contend with anyone getting much better grades.

You sound like a great Mum OP - some of these situations are so difficult to navigate!

Completely understand why you're tempted to say he should have worked harder if he wanted the higher grades - I would be the same.

I liked the earlier poster who suggested asking him what 'he' plans to do differently to get what he wants for A Levels, and what support 'he' might want/like/need from you to help with that. That says it all, without actually saying it...

"To have limited sympathy with ds with these GCSE results or am I to blame?"

I'm not sure that assigning blame is particularly helpful at this point

I think you’re doing all the right things but from now on I wouldn’t bother mentioning your older son when talking about your younger’s results or future plans. This is about his life and no one in his future life Looking at his achievements will know or care about his brother’s results so it’s not relevant at this stage of his life. I wonder if in an effort to celebrate their differences (I don’t want two DS1s etc) you might have accidentally painted DS 2 as different ie the less academic or hardworking one and he’s somewhat living up to that. You can switch that up from now on by saying things more along the lines of “if you really go for it there’s no limit to what you can achieve at sixth form”.

I think these are excellent results but it isn’t about what I think or you think - it is about him. He will learn an important lesson about the work required to get the results he wants and really doesn’t need any ‘I told you so’ comments. At 16 he is a young adult and responsible his own choices.

id be inclined to let the dust settle then ask how he’s feeling about a levels. LISTEN and empathise, act as a coach re how things could work differently rather than telling him - he will know.

Just to be clear, the three of us were in the sitting room with ds2 being extremely down. Ds1 and I were trying to be positive/cheer him up and just getting one word answers or rebuttals. Then ds2's friend called and he left the room. Then ds1 said to me something along the lines of 'this is your fault - you should have pushed him more,' and I replied that maybe that was right and when he has children he'll be able to show me how it's done etc - it was fine. He won't run and tell ds2 what I said because he's not stupid, doesn't want conflict and it wasn't that I ran to him and said, 'ds2's results are shit, I should have pushed him more.' We both spent time with ds2 in which it was a miserable atmosphere and ds1's reaction was to blame me (because he's 18 and knows everything...).

Duplicate post

I have 4dc, all very different but very bright. Dd2 was my very bright one and it was difficult for dd1 not to compare herself to dd2 especially as there was only one school year difference and during primary school they were often in the same sets (1 and a half classes in each year). Dd1 pushed herself to do well as she is naturally competitive. She says now, she's in her 30s, that she always felt stupid next to dd2 though both went to Cambridge. We always did our best to treat them as individuals. Children compare themselves regardless of parents.

These things are are always so difficult and sensitive… I think I’d say something like, “I think these are really good grades, but if you’re not happy with them, would you like some help creating a plan to help you achieve the grades you’d like at a-level?”. This way he’s not being judged but feels supported and can start planning positively for the future. Good luck.

Speaking from experience. There are times to put pressure on kids doing exams and there are times to completely step back. Today /this week is one of them.
The exams and results are done and dusted. He got through it. Its behind him now. He doesn't need reminding that he should have tried harder or that you feel you are to blame for not pushing him enough. What good does that achieve right now today?

Why not just ban all talk of such things and for this evening celebrate the fact that its all over with him and just enjoy each other's company.
And DS1 is not allowed to remind him that next year is a KEY year ( no really?).

Have a good evening

I am in a similar-ish situation and get where you're coming from. I suggest you get him a tutor or 2 in the subjects that need boosting, especially maths. He still has plenty of time to turn things around for A levels. It's a fine line to tread OP and you are doing the best you can so don't beat yourself up. Ultimately, he needs to take responsibility for himself. I think he'll be more willing to accept help from a non-parent.

He's got a brother who is a high achiever. He may well have unconsciously received the message that anything less than a 9 isn't good enough. He also may have unconsciously decided to not put in as much effort because he isn't as naturally bright and even with work may not achieve to the same standard.

His grades are really good, and he can't have got those grades without putting some effort it. Continue to tell him you're proud of him, then ask him what he thinks he could do to help if he wants to build on those grades for A-level.

lovely to read some common sense

Handing out GCSE results this morning, a colleague was getting her ds’s results live and told me how disappointed she was, despite the grades all being 6+. I just couldn’t empathise. I think 6s are fab. I have told my kids (obviously!) that GCSE results stay with you forever, which is true. Every written application wants your grades, but to do the A level, you ’only’ need a 6 for most subjects.

Inevitable that you compare siblings, even if you never voice it, but ds2 has a lot to live up to, bless him. As a teacher, I’m assuming you’ve looked at grade boundaries to see if it’s worth asking for reviews.

Jesus Christ.

I agree. If he is disappointed with his results but was working well within his ability then he knows that with a bit more effort he can and possibly will outdo his brother who may be working flat out to achieve his results.
My DSis got straight As in her mock O levels, took her foot of the gas and ended up with average grades n the actual exams. Unfortunately, she needed better grades for A level predictions to get a place on a dentistry course. I had just started at dental school and she wanted to follow me into the profession.
She was advised not to apply because her predicted grades would not be sufficient , she didn’t make the same mistake at A level, and achieved brilliant grades, took a year out, then reapplied. She had 4 offers for dentistry and one for medicine.
My youngest DSis messed up her A levels first attempt, retook them then went on to do two degrees and a phd, worked in marine biology research travelling all over the world with her job. There was definitely plenty of competition amongst us but no real rivalry.

My Dn has just graduated with an MSc in architectural engineering with a first. Exactly 5 years ago last week she was scrabbling through clearing after the debacle of cancelled A levels in 2020. She has suffered with imposter syndrome throughout her course because she had no tangible A level grades on which to judge her ability. We all laugh at her now, she definitely is as bright as predicted and her first has finally convinced her.

I coasted through my degree because I could. I was academic and was always within my comfort zone despite the course being a challenge. Knowing that you can comfortably pass exams lowers the stress and ultimately leads to a better work life balance. It did take me a long time to realise that though. And maybe now isn’t the best time to tell your DS that coasting is OK unless he chooses a course that doesn’t need 3 A*s.

DS was predicted 3Bs and took it upon himself to achieve 3Bs. He had to revise for psychology but did no prep for the other 2 A levels. He’s just finished his first year at uni and despite attending less than 25% of his lectures and no seminars he only had to retake one module and that was because he wasn’t happy with the work he did and refused to hand it in. He had had a problem with the software so once he’d fixed the problem he redid the work and was able to do the presentation online. He had to redo a piece of work at Christmas because he went off brief, redesigning the dashboard they had to use because he thought it looked and read better his way. His marks don’t count for his final degree, I understand that the first year is often a levelling up period, but for DS it’s been a licence to party for 12 months.

Only on MN are those poor results. He needs to give his head a wobble!

He’s obviously disappointed in himself, he needs to learn his lesson, work harder and listen when people offer help. Not much you or he can do now anyway, he needs to learn from it and move forward.

What’s your point or is this just a “look how great me and my family are” post?!? Not sure what you are trying to tell the OP???

The same happened to me 20 years ago, my sister got all A stars in GCSE, I got 2 A stars 5A's and 4 Bs and I was gutted and insanely jealous. But looking back my sister put the work in and I didn't.
20 years on my work ethic has changed and I have 2 masters degrees and a good job. Tell your ds that you get out of the world what you put into it. If he's not happy with his (good) grades then he needs to knuckle down next time and work harder. It sounds like he's bright, and if he can do well like he did without really trying then if he put his mind to it he could excel.

I agree that some children would be better off studying for an alternative, maybe functional skills in English and Maths so that they have something when they leave.

I have twins who got results today along the lines of your kids. The DT with lower grades is happy with her results (slightly disappointed with one, but not overly gutted). She has got where she needs to be next and stopped comparing herself to her DT a while ago (which we actively encouraged it was an issue a few years ago). Stop blaming yourself and what you might have done (or not). Support your kid in his processing of how he has done. Help him focus on whether it's enough to get him to the next step as long as he has passed maths and english and has got the grades he needs for his next steps, he's good. Please help him to see that. In other words, encourage and reinforce the fact that he is on his own journey and comparison is the thief of joy. Show him he has your support and you are happy for his success. (Does he feel DS1 is the favoured child? There might be more going on than just grades.)

Not what I meant at all. Kids that don't tick the exam box usually perform better when they don't have to retain 2 years worth of Information in the hope it comes up on a paper and utilise it in real life examples. Continuous assesment is more beneficial . How they are performing throughout the year not for 1.5 hours on a specific day.
The whole system needs a total uplift. Gcses mean nothing in the adult world of work and the pressure schools put on kids makes some of them very poorly. I know my kid was one of them and I'm lucky he's still here.
Mist adults can't retain 10 subjects worth of information crammed into their brain. Why are we expecting kids to do that.