To have limited sympathy with ds with these GCSE results or am I to blame?

[coffeerevelsrule]

I am starting to struggle with the way ds has reacted to his GCSE results, though I also feel a bit guilty and din't know if I should have done more to improve them.

So he got 3x 8s, 4 x 7s, 2 x 6s and failed further maths - taught in hour long sessions once a fortnight after school in Y11 only. One of the 6s was a subject he had originally had as his top A level choice (chem) but he'd been wobbling on that for a while, probably as he suspected it wasn't going as well as it could have. My original reaction was to be thrilled and proud (and a tiny bit relieved) but as his mood has dipped so has mine.

Background is his brother got all 9s 2 years ago and has just got all A stars and an Oxbridge place. He was also head boy, captain of a sports team, very confident all round and insanely driven. I wouldn't say gifted but very competitive and very strategic in how he approached study, revision, Oxbridge prep - everything. DS2 is much quieter, not sporty and not driven. He's bright, whatever that actually means, but not competitive and not especially hard working. Not lazy and actually diligent - would hate to get told off for not doing something, but not burning with curiosity or a desire to beat his best score, or that of his friend, either.

As an only child who's heard nightmare tales of sibling rivalry, I always feared his trying to compete with ds1 and coming up short so I have been careful not to push, not to compare and not to suggest ds1 is a role model to be emulated. I thought that was the right thing to do but now ds2 is disappointed with his results. He wanted a couple of 9s, he thinks he looks 'shit' compared to ds1 and he didn't want any 6s. 'Everyone' has done better, apparently. Maybe I gave the message that I didn't think him capable of what ds1 did, but this is not my view - I just didn't want to cause him stress or make their relationship toxic.

My patience is wearing thin. I didn't push but we did have many conversations about his work ethic, whether he was revising, what he was doing when he came across topics he didn't understand etc. He was always highly resistant to any input from me, insisted he knew best to the point of stubbornness. I also teach one of the subjects (his least fave) and was always offering to help with that, mark answers etc and he was highly resistant, though we did some. He got 7 in that in the end, which I think is good as he hated it but now he is complaining as another friend with a teacher parent got a 9 in that subject despite doing worse in the mocks than him. Yes, ds, but I offered more help and you barely took me up on it! In the mock he finished 25 minutes before the end and insisted 'everyone' had, despite my saying I had never come across high achievers who could do that in my subject, never. But he knew best. His Y10 mocks were a wake up call and he cried then too, but the Dec mocks were better (quite similar to these) so maybe that lulled me into a false sense of security, I don't know.

I feel like saying, 'if you wanted 9s you should have put more work in and listened to advice, now stop complaining!' Would this be unreasonable? His brother is bright but also hardworking and ds2 is less so. This is the consequence and it's hardly a disaster anyway. Or would that be too harsh? I really don't want the same at A level and I think those grades will ultimately be more important than these so I'm wondering do I need to handle it differently and toughen up from the start?

In short, have I let him down by allowing him to coast a bit? DS1 thinks so...

I had one ‘disappointing’ GCSE result (a C with all the rest higher). I was a bit fed up at the time but quite quickly got really interested in the subject because I could see that, unlike some of the others where I felt a decent vocabulary and an ability to structure an argument allowed me to blag my way through, there was no way of bullshitting my way to high attainment. It gave me a real sense of the subject’s inherent value, and once I had this I became really motivated to work at it.

It was my best A level grade and has also been my career as well as a rich source of interest, enjoyment, and as a fairly lazy high-achiever an area where I taught myself to work hard with sustained focus.

My parents were never anything but proud of our results, and generally kept out of it and helped or have opinions when we asked.

dunno if any of that helps but I think you’re handling things well. Just try to show him that you have absolute faith in his ability to work out how he wants to handle things/proceed - be present and loving and respect his own ownership of his study.

The results that sting the most are the ones you know could have been different.

I'm the "high achiever" and did well in my GCSEs but things unravelled in my a levels where I spent most of two years fighting depression, anxiety, anorexia, bulimia and self harm. I clung on to decent grades for the first year but the rails came off in the second year. I got the grades I needed to get on the course I wanted but seeing that collection of Ds alongside my As and Bs from the first year I knew the results didn't reflect what might have been. In the fullness of time I know the fact I made it through that time alive and with hope for what the future might hold was a blooming miracle. I got on the course I wanted I achieved a 1st class degree and went on to get a PhD too but the days after the results seeing the scores knowing what might have been stung and it took a few days and weeks to see that what had still managed was pretty marvellous!

He doesn't need grand speeches or plans he needs time to be a little disappointed of what might have been, be proud of what the results are and be positive about what the future might offer him

For heavens sake, your younger son has achieved extremely good marks, even if they're not topping his older brother's. Give him a huge hug, open a bottle of something you enjoy, and congratulate and celebrate.

You obviously haven’t read any of OP’s posts.

Those results are not shit.

At that age they focus on others who did get higher grades and compare themselves.

Amazed at people saying a 6/ B is awful 🤯

@Anonymouseposter I'm not married - his dad is my ex and none of ds1's comments have been in front of ds2. Yes, both dc do have views about their dad's lack of parenting. Tonight ds1 has stayed in - normally out every night over the summer- and watched a film with us and it has been nice, with ds2 gradually perking up a bit largely as a result of ds1's questions about a film he wouldn't otherwise have chosen to watch. I totally take on board the comments about allowing ds to wallow a bit and feel his disappointment. I won't rush anything as I said but I'll see what happens when his A levels start and reconsider my approach if needed.

Is the young of this country losing courage and desire to be ambitious. Not too many jobs with equally good pay for all graduates...

Surely this should be a wake up call for him, an experience that he can learn from and that will motivate him to do better in his A levels.
Isn't it better to tell him to learn from it, to know that he is capable of achieving more and most importantly, that he has a second chance when he sits his A levels?

When I was in junior school, I didn't do any homework or try very hard at school.
I remember my mum coming home from a parent teacher meeting having been told by my school teacher that she didn't think that I would amount to much.
My mum came home in tears, partly because of what the teacher had said and partly because my older sister, who was severely physically and mentally disabled, could never have the life that she deserved.
That moment, seeing my mum in tears, was the kick in the backside I needed so when I started secondary school, I decided that I would take study seriously. I later qualified as a barrister and have practised for many years. I still remember that wake up call. Your son should too and put it to good use!

They dont need functional tests they need continuous assesment and teachers who can actually teach kids who are sen.

And that sort of pressure on a child us why some end up with mental health issues. It's not important. There are other paths they csn take. Gcses are not and never have been the be all and end all.

Growing up I was always much more academic than my late db (12 months age difference). My parents decided to deal with this by constantly minimalising any academic achievements, implying I was boasting or I had a big head etc. This really affected my self esteem and I don't think it helped db whose talents were more practical and sporty. I received my O level results in the post and I had passed 11 but I had gotten a D in my German. My mother's response - well you're not so clever then! Next year db didn't pass any of his 9 O levels and he got a couple of cse grade ones and nothing was said.

You sound like a really good mum OP. Teens are so difficult to parent, their moods can be so draining as well. Try to detach a bit tonight, you’ve done what you can and he’s got really good results. Do something for yourself to celebrate, and well done for getting your two boys to this point!

it can be a mix, i guess a better way to phrase it would be what did you learn from this @coffeerevelsruleand then use his response to guide him to study better etc

I think what you’ve said to your DS2 is great. No one needs all 9s, and not having them isn’t going to hold him back. They are both very academically able. But being able to do exams is not the only measure of intelligence by any means.

They will inevitably have different strengths - ideally they will go on to work with others to achieve as part of teams rather than excelling in isolation.

when he’s ready for a levels, he needs the mantra

Hard work beats talent, if talent doesn't work!

if he wants/expects top grades then he has to use his talent and hard work to achieve them.

I could have got much better results but I know i am lazy and coasted all of school. I found uni easy until the last year.

This is what i’m trying to instill in my DC as both a bright but very different. The lazy one will also take knock backs more harshly, than the one who has to try.

I stress to my kids that you want to walk out of the exam knowing you had prepped the best you could and did the best you could. So that means if you are sick on the day and end up with a 1, but expected a 4, that sucks, but that was the best you could do.

So, then if straight 9s or straight 1s- at least you know you couldn't do any more.

Grade 9 = High A*
• Grade 8 = Low A* / High A
• Grade 7 = A
• Grade 6 = High B / Low A
• Grade 5 = Strong C (sometimes called a “strong pass”)
• Grade 4 = Low C (a “standard pass”)
• Grade 3 = D / low E
• Grade 2 = E / low F
• Grade 1 = G

in old terms he got between A*-B apart from the fail in further maths. He did brilliantly. Just be proud of him and don’t compare him to anyone else

I think you've done the right thing.

Allow him this one day to wallow; tomorrow if he's still morose you can just shrug and tell him you're proud of his results, and if he feels like he could've done better, then he knows what to do for A levels.

I've just said on another post that my twins didn't get better than a 3 in anything, I'm still proud, they're going to college, they worked hard, they're just not very academically able. My youngest is only 13 and working at a level 4. People are good at different things.

As an aside - can I ask why you used Oxbridge instead of the actual uni that your older son is going to? I know it doesn't matter but it just seems like such a weird thing to try and obscure when you've shared all the others!

We used to do controlled assessments/coursework in many subjects up until around 2019 if I remember correctly. Then the decision was made to return to 100% exams. However for some children the coursework option didn’t help either. Hence why I suggested functional skills for the lowest achievers. We have children who are still struggling to read and write in Y7.

You don’t need to say a thing about working hard for A levels now. He knows exactly what to do, and what work will get him.

My money is on him out earning big brother one day - these things can be a real motivator.

MFL here, but I’ve taught a bit of English too over the years.

N. B. my user name. Absolutely identical situation in every detail apart from divorce. My advice is to allow this be the wake up call he needs. Maturity and self-determination will kick in.

Firstly, I want to congratulate your son on very good GCSE results.

I am a younger sibling of an eldest child who did a lot better than me at GCSEs. I have SEN (ADHD) but was undiagnosed back then, however, my second residence was seclusion. All the teachers loved my sibling - conscientious, well-behaved, a prefect - they achieved like 12 A-Bs they ended up exhausted and burnt out after GCSEs, struggled at A-level and Degree.

I got less than that - in old school I got like 6A-Cs - mainly C’s and failed the rest - but I went on to do A-Levels (didn’t have to do resits as passed maths, English, science), took a break after A-Levels, went to an RG Uni, got a 1st and won academic awards. I was on my university course with straight A*s-As GCSEs/A levels students. I work with people who got the same. My GCSEs don’t matter but my degree does.

In summary, it doesn’t matter if you don’t get straight 9s or 8s or whatever, as long as you get what you needed at GCSEs, and is able to get into sixth form/college to do what you need to do.

You haven't let him down, but I don't think you should tell him to "stop complaining" and "if you wanted 9s you should have worked harder".

Those are really good results. He can go on and study further with them.

When he's starting to prepare for mocks etc for A-levels maybe you could try gently then talking to him about what impact he thinks resisting taking advice from you has on his grades and if he is interested to figure out a way he could revise more effectively.

I cannot understand why anyone thinks this child hasn’t succeeded or tried hard enough? He’s got mostly the equivalent of A* and As with a couple of Bs.