To have limited sympathy with ds with these GCSE results or am I to blame?

[coffeerevelsrule]

I am starting to struggle with the way ds has reacted to his GCSE results, though I also feel a bit guilty and din't know if I should have done more to improve them.

So he got 3x 8s, 4 x 7s, 2 x 6s and failed further maths - taught in hour long sessions once a fortnight after school in Y11 only. One of the 6s was a subject he had originally had as his top A level choice (chem) but he'd been wobbling on that for a while, probably as he suspected it wasn't going as well as it could have. My original reaction was to be thrilled and proud (and a tiny bit relieved) but as his mood has dipped so has mine.

Background is his brother got all 9s 2 years ago and has just got all A stars and an Oxbridge place. He was also head boy, captain of a sports team, very confident all round and insanely driven. I wouldn't say gifted but very competitive and very strategic in how he approached study, revision, Oxbridge prep - everything. DS2 is much quieter, not sporty and not driven. He's bright, whatever that actually means, but not competitive and not especially hard working. Not lazy and actually diligent - would hate to get told off for not doing something, but not burning with curiosity or a desire to beat his best score, or that of his friend, either.

As an only child who's heard nightmare tales of sibling rivalry, I always feared his trying to compete with ds1 and coming up short so I have been careful not to push, not to compare and not to suggest ds1 is a role model to be emulated. I thought that was the right thing to do but now ds2 is disappointed with his results. He wanted a couple of 9s, he thinks he looks 'shit' compared to ds1 and he didn't want any 6s. 'Everyone' has done better, apparently. Maybe I gave the message that I didn't think him capable of what ds1 did, but this is not my view - I just didn't want to cause him stress or make their relationship toxic.

My patience is wearing thin. I didn't push but we did have many conversations about his work ethic, whether he was revising, what he was doing when he came across topics he didn't understand etc. He was always highly resistant to any input from me, insisted he knew best to the point of stubbornness. I also teach one of the subjects (his least fave) and was always offering to help with that, mark answers etc and he was highly resistant, though we did some. He got 7 in that in the end, which I think is good as he hated it but now he is complaining as another friend with a teacher parent got a 9 in that subject despite doing worse in the mocks than him. Yes, ds, but I offered more help and you barely took me up on it! In the mock he finished 25 minutes before the end and insisted 'everyone' had, despite my saying I had never come across high achievers who could do that in my subject, never. But he knew best. His Y10 mocks were a wake up call and he cried then too, but the Dec mocks were better (quite similar to these) so maybe that lulled me into a false sense of security, I don't know.

I feel like saying, 'if you wanted 9s you should have put more work in and listened to advice, now stop complaining!' Would this be unreasonable? His brother is bright but also hardworking and ds2 is less so. This is the consequence and it's hardly a disaster anyway. Or would that be too harsh? I really don't want the same at A level and I think those grades will ultimately be more important than these so I'm wondering do I need to handle it differently and toughen up from the start?

In short, have I let him down by allowing him to coast a bit? DS1 thinks so...

In reality no they don't.
In the real world no one cares for them and they don't define the adult you become.

Yep. This.

If you reinforce the idea that his grades are shit, his self-esteem will plunge. He has achieved a decent set of grades.

He's going to do exactly the same in his A levels too.

He has to learn for himself and by himself that you get out what you put in

Give him more time and acknowledge his feelings instead of trying to cheer him up

They are great results, but if he's disappointed then nothing you say will convince him otherwise.
Like others have said, there is no point in dwelling on what he could have done to get better GCSE results since you can't turn back the clock, however tempting it might be. It's worth maybe talking about what he might do differently with his A levels to achieve higher grades. It's on him though, not you, so you shouldn't feel guilty.

This is the time for him to celebrate. Please don’t make any comments on how much he did or didn't revise as he can’t change that but any slightly critical comment you make is what he’ll remember about your reaction to his GCSE results

You can hint at it but in a hopeful way- looking forward to A Levels (e.g tell him that he’s got great grades in his GCSEs and can do even better if he works very hard at his A Levels - this is where the results actually matter.

I do get it though- my sister got 4As and a B in her a levels and you’d think she failed them all with her misery. She was only unhappy because our other sibling got straight As the previous year. The lesson for your son is that comparison is the thief of joy.

In short, have I let him down by allowing him to coast a bit? DS1 thinks so...

OP, be very careful in discussing this with DS1, especially any feedback or opinions he may have. If DS2 caught wind that you’ve been speaking about him, he’ll likely feel judged and alienated. The truth is your DS2’s grades are brilliant.

DS1 sounds very “type A” and I can imagine he has plenty of feedback and opinions regarding DS2’s “type B” ways. In my experience it’s a dynamic that can lead to low self esteem in the type B sibling (based on my personal experience).

Your DS2 is kicking himself already hence looking for someone to blame. But he needs to ride the emotions and process it himself, without judgement or harsh reality checks from you or DS1. This is a very valuable lesson - that he is the master of his own destiny.

I’ve been arguing this for years. I’m an English teacher.

Dd sat her GCSE’s about 8 years ago. I genuinely can’t remember her grades but they weren’t as good as the OP’s son. Her A levels weren’t stellar either.

she went on to get a 1st class degree in a tough subject and is about to start a Masters at a university ranked 6th in the world for her subject. It’s very true that GCSEs do not define anyone and that people progress/peak at different rates.

im sure the OPs son will find his way….but honestly it has to be his way.

One of the things I’ve learned with older kids/young adults is that sometimes they want to vent but it doesn’t necessarily mean they want advice or comments. It can be a sure fire way of stopping them continuing to confide if they think you will just jump in saying, well do x and do y……..I get it’s sometimes a parent’s natural instinct to try and help, advise, fix things.

I try and bite my tongue and instead ask Dd if she wants help/advice/wants me to do something or does she just want to have a vent. They generally figure it out themselves.

Of course they don't define you! Who knows what any child of 16 will become? But every application will want them. However, looking at one child today, he's got into the college of his choice to do lighting/stage direction, but another has been told she can't enrol in the sixth form with almost identical grades.

Right now, GCSE grades are important for next steps. Once a child is on their desired path, it won't matter (as much) yet it's rammed down our throats as teachers and as students that a 4 in at least Maths and English is essential.

Even speaking to my bf, she said she can't prove that she has a C in Maths having lost her O level certificates and needs it for a promotion. No idea what happened to mine either or how I'd prove it should I need to, although recently a much older colleague sat in the relevant office in Cambridge to obtain his as proof to get onto his teaching course. So, no, they absolutely don't define us, but can be important sometimes.

He’s not his brother. Dd is also disappointed with 2 6s but it is what it is. Nothing shameful about a 6.
Great opportunity to learn some resilience. You’re not always going to get the outcome you want or deserve, but you get up and keep going.

GCSE is a stepping stone to the next move. It won’t matter one hour after this week - despite the crushing disappointment they feel right now.

I’ve taken a tea and sympathy approach and then told her to take it on the chin and not worry about it.

They are quite similar to my results (under the A*\A etc system. They were good enough for Cambridge and a LSE MA. If my parents had intimated that they were slightly disappointing I would have told them to wind their neck in because they were obviously absolutely fine.

Someone who can get a 7 without really trying will do better in many degrees than someone coached/crammed to an 8 or 9.

This! My twin DDs got their results today; both did really well, but one is a bit more academic and got all 7s, 8s and 9s. Her sister got similar but with a couple of 6s so very similar to your DS. She’ll be dining out on her one 9 for quite some time, lol. I’m immensely proud of them both as they worked bloody hard. He needs to gain some perspective, they are great grades. As others have said, he has what he needs for his A levels and all anyone will care about in the future is that he passed his maths and English (GCSE wise). A bit of disappointment if he feels he could have done better is no bad thing, he’ll push himself more next time! Just keep telling him he’s done really well because he has. The world would be a boring place if everyone was madly academic and got straight As, there is more to life and we are not all the same.

It's better he has this realisation that he could do better now. I coasted through GCSEs (3 A star, 5A As, 3 Bs) and didn't really struggle to get AAAB in A-Levels when A was the highest, but oh my word did I have a shock in second year of uni when I got a low 2:2 and realised how high my final year scores needed to be to get a 2:1. I worked my arse off and did it, but the stress was incredible and I needed that kick/new work ethic a few years earlier.

God love these children and the pressure they are put under.

Nothing wrong with pointing that out if he persists in complaining and tries to lay some blame at your door. My DD got all 9’s last year but she put in a phenomenal amount of work and effort. Hard work is rewarded. That said your DS has done well, but needs to understand that he can’t continue to be blaze when doing A levels, as it’s a big jump up.

OP, I mean this kindly - it sounds very much like he is going down the road of “it’s everyone else’s fault but mine”, when it really is his fault for not applying himself.
Don’t let this happen.
Working hard is a skill which must be practiced and honed over time, and it sounds like he simply hasn’t applied himself fully so he can really say he has done his best. Tell him this plainly, but also encourage him. It’s a delicate balance to let him lick his wounds, understand his role in arriving as his current circumstance, but also that there is a way to move forward and achieve what he wants! I’m sure he is very bright and able to achieve what he puts his mind to - he needs to use this as a lesson to learn how to work for what he wants (the world won’t be handed to him on a silver platter!).

I would just say, I think those are brilliant results, I'm proud of you and you should be proud of yourself. If he's still not happy then just say well look you have the chance to do even better in your A Levels, maybe chat to your teachers about what you could do to get higher next time. No point dissecting what happened here - he's beating himself up enough!

In short, have I let him down by allowing him to coast a bit? DS1 thinks so.
DS1 needs to stay in his own lane really. He may have a completely different personality and motivation from his brother.
It's great that he is so driven and able but it isn't up to him to be commenting on what you and DS2 should be doing. He may unintentionally be making his brother feel second rate.
I would be talking to DS1 and telling him that, while you are very proud of him academic achievement isn't the only thing of value and his brother needs to know that he has done very well and to find his own way. He's verging on getting out of order to imply that you have let your younger son down.
As for the younger son, let the dust settle, keep saying that these are very respectable results and focus on the future.

Some kids take a day or 2 to process their results.

Sometimes trying to give advice isn't the right thing to do if its the wrong timing.

Your DS1 is the one you should lose patience with though for trying to blame this on you. Maybe have a word with him about misogyny and parenting

Don't worry, ds1 has been even more critical of his father's role in this...

This is the right type of thing to say. It is his ‘fault’ that he has grades lower than he’d like, as he had capacity to work harder and chose not to - but he has to say that, not you! Your job is to hold the mirror up and be his support / cheerleader.

He’s done very well on his own merit! Don’t compare him to his brother that’s not realistic , they will have many differing talents personal to them in life not just exam grades.
Grand scheme of things.. be proud of achievements in differing shapes and forms.

Let him feel his feelings no need for I told you so when someone already feels crap. Let him sulk it out. Say sorry you feel that way and leave him be

DS1's attitude to this will be obvious to his brother and isn't helping at all. You and your husband need a serious chat with him as he doesn't seem aware of the effect he could be having on DS's confidence.

When i say "blame this" of course I mean nothing at all because DS2 results appear to be very good.

Chances are he could end up making more money than DS1 in future anyway