To have limited sympathy with ds with these GCSE results or am I to blame?

[coffeerevelsrule]

I am starting to struggle with the way ds has reacted to his GCSE results, though I also feel a bit guilty and din't know if I should have done more to improve them.

So he got 3x 8s, 4 x 7s, 2 x 6s and failed further maths - taught in hour long sessions once a fortnight after school in Y11 only. One of the 6s was a subject he had originally had as his top A level choice (chem) but he'd been wobbling on that for a while, probably as he suspected it wasn't going as well as it could have. My original reaction was to be thrilled and proud (and a tiny bit relieved) but as his mood has dipped so has mine.

Background is his brother got all 9s 2 years ago and has just got all A stars and an Oxbridge place. He was also head boy, captain of a sports team, very confident all round and insanely driven. I wouldn't say gifted but very competitive and very strategic in how he approached study, revision, Oxbridge prep - everything. DS2 is much quieter, not sporty and not driven. He's bright, whatever that actually means, but not competitive and not especially hard working. Not lazy and actually diligent - would hate to get told off for not doing something, but not burning with curiosity or a desire to beat his best score, or that of his friend, either.

As an only child who's heard nightmare tales of sibling rivalry, I always feared his trying to compete with ds1 and coming up short so I have been careful not to push, not to compare and not to suggest ds1 is a role model to be emulated. I thought that was the right thing to do but now ds2 is disappointed with his results. He wanted a couple of 9s, he thinks he looks 'shit' compared to ds1 and he didn't want any 6s. 'Everyone' has done better, apparently. Maybe I gave the message that I didn't think him capable of what ds1 did, but this is not my view - I just didn't want to cause him stress or make their relationship toxic.

My patience is wearing thin. I didn't push but we did have many conversations about his work ethic, whether he was revising, what he was doing when he came across topics he didn't understand etc. He was always highly resistant to any input from me, insisted he knew best to the point of stubbornness. I also teach one of the subjects (his least fave) and was always offering to help with that, mark answers etc and he was highly resistant, though we did some. He got 7 in that in the end, which I think is good as he hated it but now he is complaining as another friend with a teacher parent got a 9 in that subject despite doing worse in the mocks than him. Yes, ds, but I offered more help and you barely took me up on it! In the mock he finished 25 minutes before the end and insisted 'everyone' had, despite my saying I had never come across high achievers who could do that in my subject, never. But he knew best. His Y10 mocks were a wake up call and he cried then too, but the Dec mocks were better (quite similar to these) so maybe that lulled me into a false sense of security, I don't know.

I feel like saying, 'if you wanted 9s you should have put more work in and listened to advice, now stop complaining!' Would this be unreasonable? His brother is bright but also hardworking and ds2 is less so. This is the consequence and it's hardly a disaster anyway. Or would that be too harsh? I really don't want the same at A level and I think those grades will ultimately be more important than these so I'm wondering do I need to handle it differently and toughen up from the start?

In short, have I let him down by allowing him to coast a bit? DS1 thinks so...

Have you told him that those are bloody good results and you're proud of him?

That's 7 As and 2 Bs in old school.

I went to Oxford with that.
Be bloody proud of him and don't give him any reason to think you think "it's good but...".

I honestly don't see what you could have done differently. You've offered support and been careful not to draw comparisons between them or exaggerate the value of academic success, but DS2 is going to be all too aware of it anyway and I can't see how that could have been helped, short of sabotaging DS1. Don't get me wrong, it must be really tough for your DS2, but that isn't your fault. IMO you cannot force a 16 year old to study unless you belong to a culture where it is the cultural norm to do so.

I think the PPs framing of how you could talk to him about the next stage is excellent.

Those are really good results , though I can understand why he is disappointed
I agree with others . Just give him a few days for things to sink in ,everything is raw at the moment .Tell him that you are proud of him ( which I know that you are ) and understand that he is disappointed Talk about what he can do in the future .

I think that you are doing a great job Op and I am sure your ds appreciates you .
Try to remain calm .

You haven't let him down, and those are perfectly decent results. Comparison is the thief of joy and he is chosing to compare himself to someone who got higher results when there are thousands whose grades are nowhere near that good.

No one will care what his gcse grades are in 5 years time. So long as he can do 3 A Levels he is interested in, his academic prowess will only ever be judged on the basis of his highest/most recent qualifications so he should put this behind him. If he doesn't reckon these grades reflect his abilities he should resolve to buckle down and put in the hours to ensure that in 2 years time the grades are the best he can do. I don't think you have let him down. He is too big to blame you. How much effort he puts into his school work is entirely his choice, but don't tell him he has only himself to blame. Instead tell him that you love him to bits, and appreciate his achievements he has got so far and tell him that you refuse to participate in putting him down if he thinks the grades could have been better, but will certainly be his biggest cheerleader if it's his decision to try and reset his achievements to a higher level in all his future endeavours.

They are objectively good results, enough to take him to the next stage. I'd probably let him lead any conversation about it, with some strategic nudges, but definitely no 'I told you so's, criticisms or offers of help. You say he can be stubborn, finding his own answers will be more satisfying and instructive.

What is he particularly disappointed about? What does he think happend to make this so? If he could go back, what, if anything would he do differently?

I mean, if he worked really hard then this is what he's capable of and that's fine. But if he himself feels he could have done better, fortunately he gets another go around with A levels to put that into action. Reflection is a fantastic skill in itself. It could work out very well for him for the next step, and life in general. Some people sail through education and the first knock comes mucher later and harder. This is also reflex reaction to the results. Have some time to let things settle, go out with his friends and blow off some of the pent up emotion. He'll be right! Congrats to him and you for getting through it.

This! He's done great OP but it's got to be difficult living in the shadow of his perfect sounding brother. Of course tell him you're proud of him too and get him thinking about where he wants to go from here. Would he be more suited to btec style of assessment rather than A-level exams? Definitely worth considering - A level chem is supposed to be a bastard.

Edited to say - Oh for some reason I had in my head he got mostly 6's, with those grades he will be fine for A-levels.

You're a teacher yourself. You know it still has to come from the kids themselves or they will come unstuck later, if not A level then degree level.
He is not his brother.
The results are good - not outstanding but good enough - and, if not dissimilar to his mocks, should not have come as a shock to him.

YANBU.
If he moans say they are good results, but he should remember how he feels now when considering how much work to put in for A levels.

He got great results and his big brother is key here so he needs to tell him he has done well. Ds24 got 13 A* at gcse his younger brother did not but he got good grades. Ds18 is a totally different person, laid back, has strong self esteem not linked to academics and his life will have a totally different path through his choice and decisions. Sometimes ds24 says that you only need to do enough to get to the next stage you want to, he exhausted himself trying to be academically the best. So if your dc can go on to do what he wants then fantastic and his job is done.

He seems to be developing a habit of blaming others for his mistakes and your husband is encouraging that.

He needed to take responsibility for his own learning and didn't.

His results are probably a fair reflection of the work he put in. I would not engage in too much more analysis of his results than that. They are what they are and it's up to him whether he learns any lessons to help him with his A levels. If not, he will be disappointed in 2 years time and it still won't be your fault.

His results are good. Don’t be harsh, just say they are decent results at this point, and later down the line you can support with A Level study plan etc. I’d also reassure him by talking about how Oxbridge etc isn’t the be all and end all and doesn’t necessarily mean he won’t have a great job etc. he probs needs some reassurance rather than tough love.

It’s hard when you have a very academic, driven sibling who achieves top marks across the board. Even if nobody else is comparing you can’t help but compare yourself. I am fortunate that my very academic sibling (all A*s at GCSE) was a year younger so although their results outshone mine (mostly As and Bs) I didn’t have the disappointment of knowing mine were worse when I got mine. I do still remember feeling like a disappointment and a bit of a failure when they got their results though and thought my family must be thinking badly of me, even though obviously in hindsight I know what won’t have been the case. Results only came out today so I would let your son have his feelings today and wouldn’t try to instil any lessons or give advice, unless specifically asked. Let him process things and see how he’s feeling tomorrow before raising it at all.

This.

I am the younger sibling of 2 very high achievers so I do empathise probably more than most . He has got good results there he's allowing comparison to be the theif of his joy . He needs to let a few days pass and then really work out what he wants to do next . His results may have changed his choices . He must make his own path obviously with you as a guide and sounding board .

At some point when the dust has settled, I’d sit down with him and ask him how he feels about his grades and what, if anything, he could have done differently. Then get him to think about applying this to further studies.

I’d speak with his teachers during the first term of A levels to check if he’s putting in the effort and any advice they have for learning/revising.

@coffeerevelsrule you did everything right and played the role of a supportive parent. You can take the horse to the water but you can't force it to drink...

His results are good but clearly a disappointment based on what he could have done. But then thats his fault and he clearly knows it.

Sounds like his brother could be helpful here. People who are "bright" can do well at GCSEs but A Level is a different ball game and requires work from the outset. I teach A Level and always drill it into my Y12s that they need to work from the start and can't just cram at the end.

Those results are great
Its absolutely irrelevant what his db got.

That's all that a parent should say at this point.

If you must say more then that's for when he starts A level.

Yes, I have told him I love him, am proud of him and they're great results. I genuinely think he wants to do exceptionally well but doesn't want to do an exceptional amount of work - wants plenty of free time in the evenings.

I'll definitely use some of the suggestions here as his A levels get underway.

These are great grades. Some perspective might not go amiss tbh; some children despite working really really hard, could not even hope to get anything above a 4 or 5 for a multitude of reasons, not least shit schools and no support at home.

Just tell him he's done amazingly (he has actually). Then nearer A level mock time, if he's not working as hard as you know he'd like (not as you'd like I stress), then support more heavily - even if he tries to refuse, push harder.

Watching with interest as DD too didn’t revise nearly enough despite my best protests!

I remember when I got my GCSE results I was really disappointed in myself. As an adult I can see I had actually done really well, but at the time all I could see was that I could have worked harder and done better. I did actually work pretty hard but I didn't sit and learn loads of stuff by rote for geography etc like I should have.

But ultimately I made different choices at A levels because of that feeling. I think you just have to be sympathetic and let him wallow tbh.

He's having an emotional response, he doesn't need a carefully reasoned response.

Be careful not to make this aboutyou - let him be disappointed with his results (or even with himself) without automatically scrabbling to figure out what you should have done differently.

Sometimes our kids are disappointed, and it's not our fault!

I don’t think I’d say anything which a whiff of criticism along the ‘if you’d tried harder’ lines because that entertains the idea that his are not a brilliant set of results - which they objectively are!

I think I’d refuse to waver from the ‘you did amazingly, full stop’ angle whilst pointing out that he also remained chill and didn’t have to slog his guts out, and he does he really want to be like his brother and spend all his frees next year studying? It’s not for everyone. Being a coaster who gets 7As and 2 Bs is equally as fabulous as being a dedicated straight As person.

You’re obvs, and rightly, very proud of both of them, don’t let him spoil that for you 😂

Well done to your son! Brilliant achievement. Just keep reassuring him his grades are great. If it makes him reconsider A level chemistry then it is a bonus- I did it and it was awful