To have limited sympathy with ds with these GCSE results or am I to blame?

[coffeerevelsrule]

I am starting to struggle with the way ds has reacted to his GCSE results, though I also feel a bit guilty and din't know if I should have done more to improve them.

So he got 3x 8s, 4 x 7s, 2 x 6s and failed further maths - taught in hour long sessions once a fortnight after school in Y11 only. One of the 6s was a subject he had originally had as his top A level choice (chem) but he'd been wobbling on that for a while, probably as he suspected it wasn't going as well as it could have. My original reaction was to be thrilled and proud (and a tiny bit relieved) but as his mood has dipped so has mine.

Background is his brother got all 9s 2 years ago and has just got all A stars and an Oxbridge place. He was also head boy, captain of a sports team, very confident all round and insanely driven. I wouldn't say gifted but very competitive and very strategic in how he approached study, revision, Oxbridge prep - everything. DS2 is much quieter, not sporty and not driven. He's bright, whatever that actually means, but not competitive and not especially hard working. Not lazy and actually diligent - would hate to get told off for not doing something, but not burning with curiosity or a desire to beat his best score, or that of his friend, either.

As an only child who's heard nightmare tales of sibling rivalry, I always feared his trying to compete with ds1 and coming up short so I have been careful not to push, not to compare and not to suggest ds1 is a role model to be emulated. I thought that was the right thing to do but now ds2 is disappointed with his results. He wanted a couple of 9s, he thinks he looks 'shit' compared to ds1 and he didn't want any 6s. 'Everyone' has done better, apparently. Maybe I gave the message that I didn't think him capable of what ds1 did, but this is not my view - I just didn't want to cause him stress or make their relationship toxic.

My patience is wearing thin. I didn't push but we did have many conversations about his work ethic, whether he was revising, what he was doing when he came across topics he didn't understand etc. He was always highly resistant to any input from me, insisted he knew best to the point of stubbornness. I also teach one of the subjects (his least fave) and was always offering to help with that, mark answers etc and he was highly resistant, though we did some. He got 7 in that in the end, which I think is good as he hated it but now he is complaining as another friend with a teacher parent got a 9 in that subject despite doing worse in the mocks than him. Yes, ds, but I offered more help and you barely took me up on it! In the mock he finished 25 minutes before the end and insisted 'everyone' had, despite my saying I had never come across high achievers who could do that in my subject, never. But he knew best. His Y10 mocks were a wake up call and he cried then too, but the Dec mocks were better (quite similar to these) so maybe that lulled me into a false sense of security, I don't know.

I feel like saying, 'if you wanted 9s you should have put more work in and listened to advice, now stop complaining!' Would this be unreasonable? His brother is bright but also hardworking and ds2 is less so. This is the consequence and it's hardly a disaster anyway. Or would that be too harsh? I really don't want the same at A level and I think those grades will ultimately be more important than these so I'm wondering do I need to handle it differently and toughen up from the start?

In short, have I let him down by allowing him to coast a bit? DS1 thinks so...

You didn’t let him down. If anyone did, he let himself down if he knew he could do better but didn’t put the work in. You absolutely get back what you put in and if he wanted 9s he should have worked harder. Lesson learned for him I hope.
In the real world of course, his results are actually really good - it’s always tough if you have a sibling who is a higher achiever too.

It's very unlikely that he'll ever be unable to do something because he got 8s instead of 9s, or 6s instead of 7s. Some unis look at GCSE grades, but not many, and beyond that the grades are rarely required. The failed further maths won't matter - the only place it would have to be declared is UCAS, and universities are fairly well aware that some people do further maths GCSE on not nearly enough teaching, so the result may reflect that.

So by allowing him to coast a little, he has learned that he needs to put a bit more effort in to achieve what he wants, before it really matters. That's a good thing.

I genuinely think he wants to do exceptionally well but doesn't want to do an exceptional amount of work - wants plenty of free time in the evenings.

Does he know that choosing to have a social life, free time and happiness is a completely respectable choice? That pushing yourself academically isn’t the most important thing in the world? He’s got really good grades which will allow him to do whatever A levels he wants to. That’s a fab achievement, regardless of whether he (or his brother ffs) think he could have done better.

I’m a teacher and I think we put way too much pressure on kids to achieve what we think they’re capable of (ie meet target grades) when really we should be looking at each kid and focussing on what they want / need for the next stage. I also think kids with a proper work-life balance are much healthier (mentally) than those who are completely driven.

Big learning curve for him but they are also good grades.
my youngest don’t do as welll as my oldest but that’s how it goes and it doesn’t mean she worth any less

I would point out to ds that in 2024 only 1,030 16-year olds managed to achieve nine or more “straight 9s”. And of that number, only 35% were boys. Since these things are similar year on year, his brother is therefore one of only about 400 boys in the whole country who got straight 9s.

Comparison to his brother is silly.

Today is not a day to feel deflated, encourage him to put off the moment of reflection about whether he could have done better for another day, when he has recovered from the stress of today.

He needs to move forwards now. Get the A level choices firmed and crack on with it. It doesn't matter how he feels about his GCSEs really as he isn't going to be re-sitting any. He just needs to look forwards and if he wants A level grades that are not "everyone did better", then he needs to put the work in.

It's arrogant that he was resistant to help in a subject that you teach. Really wasteful as well. So, I do agree with you that limited sympathy is in order. Instead of sympathy/lack thereof, concentrate on moving forwards.

You say you don't compare the two... but then more or less the first thing you mention is

"his brother got all 9s 2 years ago and has just got all A stars and an Oxbridge place. He was also head boy, captain of a sports team, very confident all round and insanely driven. I wouldn't say gifted but very competitive and very strategic in how he approached study, revision, Oxbridge prep - everything. DS2 is much quieter, not sporty and not driven."

So it reads to me that you are comparing them both and your DS2 is considered no where near as brilliant as DS1 .. Yet you say it as though this is only justified.

They are two different people. Frankly it was hard to read through you post after that.

Then you ask should you toughen up on DS1 and go on to say that DS1 agrees you let him coast.

So your poor younger son knows that you and Golden Child have been talking about his poor results. That must make him feel marvellous.

You also mention that the results are not a disaster.
OK then... if it doesn't stop him going into sixth form and doing his A levels... Its definitely not a disaster
What would be a disaster is making him feel like a failure, when he has actually got the results that get him through the next gate. Boys mature a lot in sixth form, doing A levels, particularly when they do subjects they actually want to do and enjoy.
He is different to your older son. He is getting older and more independent. He will work more willingly and effectively with more positive encouragement and less comparison.

If he feels that all he gets is criticism and comparison he will start to rebel. You may think that you are not doing that and that what you say is only justified but try to think about how he will feel about those kinds of comments. Are they helpful? Are they specific? Are they practical? Are they encouraging? If they are not, stop saying them.

It's also important for him to have interests outside study so that he can sometimes have a break from thinking about exams, exams, exams, exams.
This does not have to be sports that his brother excelled in, but something that he wants to enjoy doing, just for the sake of enjoying it.

You say "I feel like saying, 'if you wanted 9s you should have put more work in and listened to advice, now stop complaining!' "
Please don't say that! It's fruitless because there is NOTHING he can do about that now. NOTHING.. Maybe, instead of feeling bad about his exam results he should be looking forward to his next stage, the new freedoms and responsibilities he will have.

Why not have a complete change of tack? Why not take him out for a nice meal or fun activity with the emphasis on enjoyment and actually celebrate that he's got through GCSEs and is moving on to his next stage. Ban all talk of exams. He's worth a bit of celebrating surely?

From the perspective of one who taught both A levels and degree courses I can only suggest/beg you tell him plainly. He needs to put the work on to get what he needs and wants out of it.

He has not failed, but he could do better if he puts in the hard work in his next step. He needs to remember ALL of these negative feelings and to promise himself he won't let himself get in his own way again

I don’t think A level students need to be told to work hard by their parents. Their teachers will tell them and it’s frankly obvious.

Some people are allrounders and get great grades and some excel more when they get to just do the subjects they love at 16 or 18.
Some just aren’t great at academic exams.

The important thing is he finds his own path. no one should be defined by exam grades. Encourage him with extra curricular stuff too. The ideal is he stumbles on something he loves.

If he’s wobbling about A levels make sure he knows there are alternatives.

And GCSEs are hideous other countries don’t make dc do a huge number of exams simultaneously at 16 that define what you can do afterwards. It’s a really stupid system and nothing he ever does again will be as stressful.

But it does sound like it is toxic - you are asking DS1 for advice and every comparison is about how great he all we know about him is quieter!

DD has just got 9 9s 1 8 but DS won’t because that isn’t he skill set he has different ones it doesn’t make his achievements less just different

One of the best things my parents ever did was make it clear that exam results were my responsibility. They would provide any guidance or support I needed - including reminding me that studying was always helpful for exams - but in the end the choice how, when and how much to study was mine and mine alone. Did I get as good gcse results as I could have? Maybe not but I owned them and all the impacts of that myself.

This is a step, a gateway to the next thing. Did he get the grades he needed to do his next thing?

If I've understood correctly, the GCSE results were only released today?

And yet OP, you're saying:

" I feel if he comes down with the same attitude he had earlier I won't be able to take a whole evening of it, but I will try my best!"

"My patience is wearing thin."

Jesus, poor kid! If you can't extend a bit of kindness and understanding to him for a single day without needing to rebuke him for getting rather bloody good results, then there's an issue here. It sounds as if YOU are comparing him to his brother, even if you're not actually saying it.

In the grand scheme of things, if you're going on to further education then GCSEs are absolutely meaningless. As long as he can get on the A-level courses he wants, no one will care what GCSEs he got.

When I was in 6th form, I can remember the teachers saying that A-levels were easier in a way than GCSEs. Although the content is much more complex, there's fewer subjects to focus on and presumably, they will be subjects you're interested in.

You really need to find a way to drum up some genuine encouragement and support because you might be saying the right things, but from what you've said here you don't really mean it, and he can probably tell.

Plenty of teens think they know best and don't listen to their parents. Such as it ever was. It's great that he listens to his brother and that his brother is willing to help. Perhaps when a bit of time has passed and he's starting his A-levels you can have a conversation with him about him now knowing how tough exams can be, and how passing exams is a technique and not entirely related to how clever you are or how much knowledge you have, and therefore everyone needs to dig in a bit to get through.

Not now though. It's not going to help and just reeks of I told you so. The lad knows.

my parents took us out for a nice dinner at the end of exams and not when the results came in. They celebrated our effort and that exams were over.

Those are really good results - he probably won't win the Nobel Prize for chemistry but they in no way limit any future life choices.

There seems to be a bit of 'golden child' / 'scapegoat' dynamic going on.

They're all different. DS1 just puts effort into select subjects and made very little effort with the other subjects at school he couldn't care less about. He did well, but not as well as he could have...

Whereas DS2 is very ambitious and is a complete perfectionist.

Total opposites.

Try not to compare, I know it's hard. But above all, praise him for all his efforts. Your DS2 has done very well!!

Since when were three 8s (A* equivalents), 4 7s (A equivalents) and 2 6s considered unsuccessful.

Honestly.

Is he capable of more? Possibly. But there's nothing wrong with those grades.

As the middle one, stuck between two siblings that everyone said were really good... I chose not to work because I felt I'd never do as well,so it was easier on my self esteem to feel that if I'd worked, then I might have done as well, than work hard and know I hadn't done as well...

What fantastic grades. You should be very proud of him. There’s a lot of kids who would be wishing they got those grades.

You think if he’d worked harder he’d have done better. Maybe? And if that’s true and he’s bothered by it then maybe he will work harder for A levels. Or maybe he’s happy with his grades and thinks he has a good work life balance

Also it’s not as binary as “work harder you get 9s”. He likely wouldn’t even if he had worked crazily hard.

Dh brother is still resentful that Dh is like your older son and he is not. It’s pretty tiresome actually. They are in their 40s - get over it 🙄

Wonder if it’s a competitive male thing dd2 today did not achieve the heights of dd1s stellar GCSEs but she does not give two hoots and is thrilled as she worked hard and her results are pretty similar to your lads. She is a party girl though and dd1 is not.

Am I right in thinking results were only released?
If so, give the kid a chance to come down off the ceiling, reflect on the results etc and may in a few weeks (not days), you can give the tough love he likely needs.
He's allowed to be disappointed and the best growth will come via his own reflection, not being spoon fed wise words from older brother and parents.

My patience is wearing thin.

Not even been 8 hours?

You are clearly very lucky with your DC if your patience is wearing thin after a few hours of bad mood.

He's allowed to be in a bad mood.

So basically he got 3a*. 4a's and 2 b's? That's a great set of results by anyone's standards. Praise him and build up his confidence. It's not healthy for him to be comparing/expecting to be the same as his brother.

Just mention the famous quote from Thomas Edison “Genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration.”

Very few people can coast along on their natural intelligence, without putting in the hard slog as well.
He needs to reframe things. Tell him if he’s managed to get those results without busting a gut, he should be very pleased, and just imagine how well he could do at A Level, if he put the work in.

Sounds like DS1 is a little precocious; why does he have a say in how you parented his sibling?!

He is his own person and has fantastic grades. You cannot keep comparing the children. DS2 is most likely upset as he thinks you’re comparing! It really sounds like you are! Take him for how he is - he has a great set of results and you should be proud and tell him so!

No reason he can’t succeed at A level at all.