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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date asking strange questions

311 replies

JMaggs93 · 21/08/2025 15:22

Wanted other's perspectives on this as I've been out of the dating game for a while and have been taken aback by questions this man has been asking me on dates.

I'm 32 and he is 27. We met online and spoke for a while, then decided to meet up. Our first couple of dates were lovely and he seemed really nice and genuine. On our third date we went to watch a film where the leading lady was going on a date herself, a single parent etc, much like myself.

I was driving so on the way to drop him home afterwards we were chatting in the car, and he suddenly asked me if karate (I've been doing this for a few years and love it) is something I'd ever think about giving up in future. I told him of course not, why would I? He then said maybe I'd have to if I wanted anymore children etc which honestly right now I don't want for personal reasons. I found this an odd thing to say but let it go.
We were talking about the movie and the female character who was getting back into dating. He then asked me if I ever wondered what he saw in me on the dating app we met on. More specifically, did I ever wonder what he saw in me and 'all my baggage'? Obviously he meant my kids and my bad experiences with relationships which I'd told him about briefly whilst we were first chatting.

I immediately caught the ick. I was so shocked I didn't really give an answer but it's made me think that he believes I should count myself lucky that a younger man chose me despite my 'baggage'. For context, this man has a child of his own and a bad co parenting relationship with his ex, so really if he thinks what I have is baggage then surely he has the same?

I guess what I'm asking is, am I being unreasonable for feeling really put off and belittled? Like I'm not quite good enough but he picked me anyway? I did like him a lot but after this I feel really weird about him. He's been messaging me as normal and wants another date but I've been giving him short answers and avoiding for the most part. I feel really deflated after plucking up the courage to get back out there.

OP posts:
Ireallycantthinkofagoodone · 21/08/2025 19:54

Nookfoot · 21/08/2025 15:35

I think he was asking if you want more kids. I.e. the "baggage" would be OK for someone who wants a family life, another pregnancy might mean stepping back from karate.

Very clumsy and not a good sign that he can't just say what's on his mind though.

Or perhaps he was thinking she could look after his child as well……

Newname42 · 21/08/2025 19:56

I read the hobby thing as a clumsy question of whether you’d consider more children in future. This might be something that’s important to him and if he definitely wants more children then it does make sense to figure out whether the other person is on the same page before starting to date.

The baggage comment is not great and would be a bin-able offence if he had no children, but since he is in exactly the same situation I might try to find out what’s behind this before deciding whether or not to give him a chance.

BeenzManeenz · 21/08/2025 20:21

Returnofjude · 21/08/2025 15:31

You’re 27
You have obviously only recently come out of a horrible relationship
and you have multiple presumably very young children

Just settle in to newly single life op and enjoy it. Lots of time for men!

No, she's 32.

BeenzManeenz · 21/08/2025 20:23

Red flags all over the place! Run as fast as you can.

This man will try to control you. I feel a bit sick even reading it as it's obvious he's testing the waters.

Trust your instinct. He's a wrong un.

Swanfeet · 21/08/2025 20:23

Run

fthisfthatfeverything · 21/08/2025 20:23

In think you should ask him what he means instead of guessing.

pizzaHeart · 21/08/2025 20:27

Xyloplane · 21/08/2025 16:05

Throw this one back OP. He wants you to give up your hobby and to start being more grateful that he deigned to pick you given your unacceptable levels of “baggage”. He wants to grind down your confidence. And why on earth are you dropping him off? He can get the bus.

This^
let him go far away and very quickly.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 21/08/2025 20:28

He’s a incel. He thinks you’ll be “gagging for it” as a single mum and should be grateful he’s shown you an ounce of attention. A quick read on Reddit will confirm it.

missrabbit1990 · 21/08/2025 20:29

Red flags waving all over the place here OP. Run!

Bunny44 · 21/08/2025 20:29

Returnofjude · 21/08/2025 15:31

You’re 27
You have obviously only recently come out of a horrible relationship
and you have multiple presumably very young children

Just settle in to newly single life op and enjoy it. Lots of time for men!

No she's 32, and it's up to her if she wants to date.

Bloody patronising all the people telling single mum's they ought to stay single and concentrate on their children when usually they ARE the ones doing all the work and making sacrifices, but apparently never enough for hypocritical society...

Piffle11 · 21/08/2025 20:29

For context, this man has a child of his own and a bad co parenting relationship with his ex

This alone is a massive red flag.

Did he at all ask you what you saw in him, with all his ‘baggage’?

Returnofjude · 21/08/2025 20:33

Bunny44 · 21/08/2025 20:29

No she's 32, and it's up to her if she wants to date.

Bloody patronising all the people telling single mum's they ought to stay single and concentrate on their children when usually they ARE the ones doing all the work and making sacrifices, but apparently never enough for hypocritical society...

Show quote history

Oh hush now! 😆

This OP has come out of a very bad relationship history
and her benchmark is so very fucked that she starts this thread about very clearly an off his rocker man

so yes… I think time for her to get to know herself and settle and enjoy single life would prob be in her best interested

Alltheyellowbirds · 21/08/2025 20:35

What a twat.

Soontobesingles · 21/08/2025 20:35

I actually think it is really great that you are out there dating, and strong enough to turn down the wrong man even if he wants more. Listen to the ick!!

DamnUserName21 · 21/08/2025 20:36

What is up with these men?!

Third date and he is already trying to 'mold' you and manipulate you into being grateful that he chose you by dropping not so subtle hints and playing on any self-doubt or low self-esteem you may have.

Run a fucking mile!

Cranberryavocado · 21/08/2025 20:37

Ob no, run for the hills. He sounds horrible. Lucky you found out now😬

Jollyhockeystickss · 21/08/2025 20:38

I met a guy years ago in a club he chatted me up and said that he liked me but that he 'didnt do baggage' meaning my child, he went off to buy me a drink and i left him to it and went home.....weirdly years later he started dating my friend and we found out he had a son he didnt see!!!!!

Bonbon249 · 21/08/2025 20:39

Did you ever wonder what I saw in you with all your baggage?

Answer1 No I'm terrific?

Answer 2 No, but I'm wondering what I saw in you and your baggage.

Answer3 No, but I think you should walk from here.

Toseland · 21/08/2025 20:40

waterrat · 21/08/2025 15:51

I got a shiver reading that.

He is negging you - working out if he can abuse you.

he is not clumsy, jesus christ. He used the word 'baggage' - get as far away as you can very fast.

Exactly - watch out ladies, there are blokes out there like this!

Someone2025 · 21/08/2025 20:46

JMaggs93 · 21/08/2025 15:22

Wanted other's perspectives on this as I've been out of the dating game for a while and have been taken aback by questions this man has been asking me on dates.

I'm 32 and he is 27. We met online and spoke for a while, then decided to meet up. Our first couple of dates were lovely and he seemed really nice and genuine. On our third date we went to watch a film where the leading lady was going on a date herself, a single parent etc, much like myself.

I was driving so on the way to drop him home afterwards we were chatting in the car, and he suddenly asked me if karate (I've been doing this for a few years and love it) is something I'd ever think about giving up in future. I told him of course not, why would I? He then said maybe I'd have to if I wanted anymore children etc which honestly right now I don't want for personal reasons. I found this an odd thing to say but let it go.
We were talking about the movie and the female character who was getting back into dating. He then asked me if I ever wondered what he saw in me on the dating app we met on. More specifically, did I ever wonder what he saw in me and 'all my baggage'? Obviously he meant my kids and my bad experiences with relationships which I'd told him about briefly whilst we were first chatting.

I immediately caught the ick. I was so shocked I didn't really give an answer but it's made me think that he believes I should count myself lucky that a younger man chose me despite my 'baggage'. For context, this man has a child of his own and a bad co parenting relationship with his ex, so really if he thinks what I have is baggage then surely he has the same?

I guess what I'm asking is, am I being unreasonable for feeling really put off and belittled? Like I'm not quite good enough but he picked me anyway? I did like him a lot but after this I feel really weird about him. He's been messaging me as normal and wants another date but I've been giving him short answers and avoiding for the most part. I feel really deflated after plucking up the courage to get back out there.

He wants to dent your confidence so you feel grateful that such an amazing catch such as himself chose you…..oh you lucky girl😂

CanIgetARosePinkFrappucino · 21/08/2025 20:47

This sent me laughing out loud with a crazy laugh, even though someone on another thread called me the 1950s brigade. LOL.

as we say on here, what a charmer, priceless, throw this one back

Miss1983 · 21/08/2025 20:50

Block and delete
You are worth so much more
Its great that you have questioned this and your gut told you it wasn't right
Trust your instincts, im sorry you experienced this but be thankful he showed his true colours before it became serious

Bunny44 · 21/08/2025 20:53

Returnofjude · 21/08/2025 20:33

Oh hush now! 😆

This OP has come out of a very bad relationship history
and her benchmark is so very fucked that she starts this thread about very clearly an off his rocker man

so yes… I think time for her to get to know herself and settle and enjoy single life would prob be in her best interested

Show quote history

How about you hush. You sound like the man she went on a date with judging her for her history 👀. Still patronising.

Onthemaintrunkline · 21/08/2025 20:54

If his talk is this unpleasant in these early days, I hate to think what he’ll be like further down the road. I hope you don’t hang around.

JNicholson · 21/08/2025 20:54

Oops sorry clicked YABU by mistake, I was definitely going for YANBU!!!!!!