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Original poster

Date asking strange questions

311 replies

JMaggs93 · 21/08/2025 15:22

Wanted other's perspectives on this as I've been out of the dating game for a while and have been taken aback by questions this man has been asking me on dates.

I'm 32 and he is 27. We met online and spoke for a while, then decided to meet up. Our first couple of dates were lovely and he seemed really nice and genuine. On our third date we went to watch a film where the leading lady was going on a date herself, a single parent etc, much like myself.

I was driving so on the way to drop him home afterwards we were chatting in the car, and he suddenly asked me if karate (I've been doing this for a few years and love it) is something I'd ever think about giving up in future. I told him of course not, why would I? He then said maybe I'd have to if I wanted anymore children etc which honestly right now I don't want for personal reasons. I found this an odd thing to say but let it go.
We were talking about the movie and the female character who was getting back into dating. He then asked me if I ever wondered what he saw in me on the dating app we met on. More specifically, did I ever wonder what he saw in me and 'all my baggage'? Obviously he meant my kids and my bad experiences with relationships which I'd told him about briefly whilst we were first chatting.

I immediately caught the ick. I was so shocked I didn't really give an answer but it's made me think that he believes I should count myself lucky that a younger man chose me despite my 'baggage'. For context, this man has a child of his own and a bad co parenting relationship with his ex, so really if he thinks what I have is baggage then surely he has the same?

I guess what I'm asking is, am I being unreasonable for feeling really put off and belittled? Like I'm not quite good enough but he picked me anyway? I did like him a lot but after this I feel really weird about him. He's been messaging me as normal and wants another date but I've been giving him short answers and avoiding for the most part. I feel really deflated after plucking up the courage to get back out there.

OP posts:
FunMustard · 21/08/2025 22:17

He sounds exactly like he's been listening to online dating coaches who say things like "what does she bring to the table?" and "high-value men need a high-value woman", and who universally seem to think that women want equality, which means contributing equally financially and also being a bang maid.

Bin him off. Knobhead.

Pherian · 21/08/2025 22:18

JMaggs93 · 21/08/2025 15:22

Wanted other's perspectives on this as I've been out of the dating game for a while and have been taken aback by questions this man has been asking me on dates.

I'm 32 and he is 27. We met online and spoke for a while, then decided to meet up. Our first couple of dates were lovely and he seemed really nice and genuine. On our third date we went to watch a film where the leading lady was going on a date herself, a single parent etc, much like myself.

I was driving so on the way to drop him home afterwards we were chatting in the car, and he suddenly asked me if karate (I've been doing this for a few years and love it) is something I'd ever think about giving up in future. I told him of course not, why would I? He then said maybe I'd have to if I wanted anymore children etc which honestly right now I don't want for personal reasons. I found this an odd thing to say but let it go.
We were talking about the movie and the female character who was getting back into dating. He then asked me if I ever wondered what he saw in me on the dating app we met on. More specifically, did I ever wonder what he saw in me and 'all my baggage'? Obviously he meant my kids and my bad experiences with relationships which I'd told him about briefly whilst we were first chatting.

I immediately caught the ick. I was so shocked I didn't really give an answer but it's made me think that he believes I should count myself lucky that a younger man chose me despite my 'baggage'. For context, this man has a child of his own and a bad co parenting relationship with his ex, so really if he thinks what I have is baggage then surely he has the same?

I guess what I'm asking is, am I being unreasonable for feeling really put off and belittled? Like I'm not quite good enough but he picked me anyway? I did like him a lot but after this I feel really weird about him. He's been messaging me as normal and wants another date but I've been giving him short answers and avoiding for the most part. I feel really deflated after plucking up the courage to get back out there.

Go on a date with a new fella. It gets weirder. I promise - until you meet a good one.

You 100% are not unreasonable.

Glowstickparty · 21/08/2025 22:20

Run op is my only advice!

Pg75 · 21/08/2025 22:22

JMaggs93 · 21/08/2025 15:22

Wanted other's perspectives on this as I've been out of the dating game for a while and have been taken aback by questions this man has been asking me on dates.

I'm 32 and he is 27. We met online and spoke for a while, then decided to meet up. Our first couple of dates were lovely and he seemed really nice and genuine. On our third date we went to watch a film where the leading lady was going on a date herself, a single parent etc, much like myself.

I was driving so on the way to drop him home afterwards we were chatting in the car, and he suddenly asked me if karate (I've been doing this for a few years and love it) is something I'd ever think about giving up in future. I told him of course not, why would I? He then said maybe I'd have to if I wanted anymore children etc which honestly right now I don't want for personal reasons. I found this an odd thing to say but let it go.
We were talking about the movie and the female character who was getting back into dating. He then asked me if I ever wondered what he saw in me on the dating app we met on. More specifically, did I ever wonder what he saw in me and 'all my baggage'? Obviously he meant my kids and my bad experiences with relationships which I'd told him about briefly whilst we were first chatting.

I immediately caught the ick. I was so shocked I didn't really give an answer but it's made me think that he believes I should count myself lucky that a younger man chose me despite my 'baggage'. For context, this man has a child of his own and a bad co parenting relationship with his ex, so really if he thinks what I have is baggage then surely he has the same?

I guess what I'm asking is, am I being unreasonable for feeling really put off and belittled? Like I'm not quite good enough but he picked me anyway? I did like him a lot but after this I feel really weird about him. He's been messaging me as normal and wants another date but I've been giving him short answers and avoiding for the most part. I feel really deflated after plucking up the courage to get back out there.

And anyway do you really want to get involved with him if he can't co parent with his ex? Plus his ex maybe nuts/bitter and cause trouble anyway. Wide birth I'd say all round!

MaggieBsBoat · 21/08/2025 22:22

And you did t immediately reply, „what about your baggage then?“

CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 21/08/2025 22:27

How odd. At a guess, I’d say he’s either getting you to reassure him that his own doubts about your suitability are nothing to worry about, or he’s trying to ‘neg’ you so you feel glad to have him. Either would give me the ick too. ‘Baggage’? Giving up things to be a mother? He’s showing you some nice casual sexism as well.

Todayismyfavouriteday · 21/08/2025 22:54

I'd run. And next time, do not give details about past shitty relationships. This does not help establish boundaries of self-respect and dignity, and does not set a good precedent.

Missj25 · 21/08/2025 23:01

JMaggs93 · 21/08/2025 15:22

Wanted other's perspectives on this as I've been out of the dating game for a while and have been taken aback by questions this man has been asking me on dates.

I'm 32 and he is 27. We met online and spoke for a while, then decided to meet up. Our first couple of dates were lovely and he seemed really nice and genuine. On our third date we went to watch a film where the leading lady was going on a date herself, a single parent etc, much like myself.

I was driving so on the way to drop him home afterwards we were chatting in the car, and he suddenly asked me if karate (I've been doing this for a few years and love it) is something I'd ever think about giving up in future. I told him of course not, why would I? He then said maybe I'd have to if I wanted anymore children etc which honestly right now I don't want for personal reasons. I found this an odd thing to say but let it go.
We were talking about the movie and the female character who was getting back into dating. He then asked me if I ever wondered what he saw in me on the dating app we met on. More specifically, did I ever wonder what he saw in me and 'all my baggage'? Obviously he meant my kids and my bad experiences with relationships which I'd told him about briefly whilst we were first chatting.

I immediately caught the ick. I was so shocked I didn't really give an answer but it's made me think that he believes I should count myself lucky that a younger man chose me despite my 'baggage'. For context, this man has a child of his own and a bad co parenting relationship with his ex, so really if he thinks what I have is baggage then surely he has the same?

I guess what I'm asking is, am I being unreasonable for feeling really put off and belittled? Like I'm not quite good enough but he picked me anyway? I did like him a lot but after this I feel really weird about him. He's been messaging me as normal and wants another date but I've been giving him short answers and avoiding for the most part. I feel really deflated after plucking up the courage to get back out there.

Do not date this guy ..
” Did you ever wonder what I saw in you & all your baggage “ ! !
I understand that you feel put off now by dating , but OP he’s just one guy ..
Referring to your children as baggage !
You said yourself he doesn’t co - parent well , bad sign in my book ..
I hope you don’t feel like maybe you have to settle because you have kids ..
NO YOU DO NOT have to settle ..
Infact more reason for you to be choosy ..
When you meet someone right you will know it ..
Right now you’re after meeting someone & you’re pretty sure he is wrong ..
Cause he is OP x

Viewsaremyown · 21/08/2025 23:14

Ditch him quick. You shouldn’t have red flags this early.

HumphreyCushionintheHouse · 21/08/2025 23:18

Remaining single would be much better than having this man in your life.

Iamnotalemming · 21/08/2025 23:27

Classic negging. He is testing your boundaries to see what he get away with, trying to make you feel lucky to have got his attention, the Prince that he is.
Well, fuck that.

HowAmYa · 21/08/2025 23:29

You don’t have baggage. You have a life.
my DP is 9 years younger than me and he wouldn’t fucking dare even think of my DD as baggage. 5 years in and he STILL tells me he is the lucky one.

Hold your head high. Never ever see your past as anything other than chapters in your book of life. They are a part of you and your journey. He’s showing his true colours. He doesn’t deserve you whatsoever.

Mmhmmn · 21/08/2025 23:31

Wow he’s negging you already.
Not a great sign of decency is it?

Mmhmmn · 21/08/2025 23:33

Iamnotalemming · 21/08/2025 23:27

Classic negging. He is testing your boundaries to see what he get away with, trying to make you feel lucky to have got his attention, the Prince that he is.
Well, fuck that.

100% this.

TenaciousDeeds · 21/08/2025 23:44

Returnofjude · 21/08/2025 15:32

I’d have just pulled over and calmly asked him to get out of my car

This!

NiftyPrawn · 21/08/2025 23:47

This is “I’m the prize” mentality from him! Ladies, if you haven’t already, I urge you to look up The Burned Haystack Dating Method on facebook!

Empress13 · 21/08/2025 23:51

Get rid what a bellend

shuggles · 21/08/2025 23:54

@JMaggs93 He's obsessed with the idea that all women are clingy and desperate. This is a popular view among certain men because they like to think that women receive their comeuppance in later life, and they revel in the schadenfreude.

Of course, people who live in the real world know that the desperate 30-something woman is a stupid media stereotype that does not exist in reality.

MrsJeanLuc · 22/08/2025 00:01

He then asked me if I ever wondered what he saw in me on the dating app we met on. More specifically, did I ever wonder what he saw in me and 'all my baggage'?

Did you find out what he saw in you on the app? Or what he sees in "you and your baggage"? I would really want to know the answer!

C95 · 22/08/2025 00:02

EdisinBurgh · 21/08/2025 16:20

Also giving him the benefit of the doubt - he might be very clumsy and undiplomatic and asking these loaded questions because he doesn’t have the confidence to say what is actually on his mind?

“I have baggage as a single parent and I wonder if you relate to this when it comes to dating”
”I’d love to have another child with you but would keeping up karate be a challenge when you’re pregnant?”

I think it’s worth having a frank chat with him to find out before you walk away!

Edited

May I ask why you would do this?

Not being goady!

Why would you give him the benefit of the doubt. There is no doubt, he's a negging walking bell end :)

valentinka31 · 22/08/2025 00:05

noidea69 · 21/08/2025 15:31

I'd have karate chopped him.

hahaha perfect

valentinka31 · 22/08/2025 00:07

you should say 'go on then - what did you see in me with all my baggage? I'm intrigued .. ; )'

I would. Rn.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 22/08/2025 00:28

nomas · 21/08/2025 18:23

Bad co-parenting relationship with ex 🚩
Controlling behaviour on self defence karate 🚩
Arrogance about your age / children 🚩

Plenty of red flag behaviours to ditch this one back in the sea.

Don’t feel defeated, be glad you have your boundaries intact.

I agree, he was particularly annoying in referring to her child and possibly her age as "baggage"

mmmarmalade · 22/08/2025 00:41

TLDR: What @Empress13 said!

I don't think he's ready to date anyone - by the sounds of it, not you anyway - surely you have to go into the dating scene with an open mind and an appetite to learn about and embrace whatever you find - how dense have you got to be to not understand that everyone who comes out of a marriage (or a LTR) has a long, complicated, personally meaningful story that will take some time to learn about and understand. He sounds like an absolute clot to me for so many reasons - why on earth would he be suggesting (a couple of dates in) that you give up a hobby you enjoy (instead of supporting and encouraging you)? Maybe he doesn't like the idea of you getting physical and grappling with other men? Baggage!? That's revealing isn't it? What a massive clanger! So he seems to think that your life should automatically be curtailed if you decide the have another child - that's not a very "supportive" and "equal" mindset is it?

Did he basically select this film in order to start airing his agenda and testing the water with you or was it something you choose together?

Give yourself some credit for getting out there because it seems to be what you want and no one says it's easy. This is the risk though isn't it - that you're not always going to meet guys you really feel confident about wanting to date seriously and you've got to learn how to exit in a way you feel comfortable with - it's not easy when you aren't used to doing it. I'd just encourage you to stand your ground, no need to feel you should make any excuses or be put on the back foot about your past or your current situation - this is you, this is your reality...own it. Maybe he was fine for a one off date but he doesn't sound like good building material for your next relationship especially if he can't express exactly what he is thinking and feeling - you shouldn't be left wondering or confused - good communication leaves you knowing either that you're on the same page or at least knowing where the differences lie.

Perhaps it's wise to not reveal the deepest parts of yourself until you get much deeper into a relationship - I know this might go against your natural instinct to be up front, open and honest. I think you're doing the right thing by tuning in to your gut instinct here.

stayathomer · 22/08/2025 00:45

I know at the time shock prevents most of us saying anything, or the possibility of something dodgy happening, but you said you’re being short with him- I wish you’d said everything you said above - do you really think I should count myself lucky? How dare you call my kids baggage!! And you’re not the greatest catch yourself, how about you stop dating and help look after your kids!!

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