Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Date asking strange questions

311 replies

JMaggs93 · 21/08/2025 15:22

Wanted other's perspectives on this as I've been out of the dating game for a while and have been taken aback by questions this man has been asking me on dates.

I'm 32 and he is 27. We met online and spoke for a while, then decided to meet up. Our first couple of dates were lovely and he seemed really nice and genuine. On our third date we went to watch a film where the leading lady was going on a date herself, a single parent etc, much like myself.

I was driving so on the way to drop him home afterwards we were chatting in the car, and he suddenly asked me if karate (I've been doing this for a few years and love it) is something I'd ever think about giving up in future. I told him of course not, why would I? He then said maybe I'd have to if I wanted anymore children etc which honestly right now I don't want for personal reasons. I found this an odd thing to say but let it go.
We were talking about the movie and the female character who was getting back into dating. He then asked me if I ever wondered what he saw in me on the dating app we met on. More specifically, did I ever wonder what he saw in me and 'all my baggage'? Obviously he meant my kids and my bad experiences with relationships which I'd told him about briefly whilst we were first chatting.

I immediately caught the ick. I was so shocked I didn't really give an answer but it's made me think that he believes I should count myself lucky that a younger man chose me despite my 'baggage'. For context, this man has a child of his own and a bad co parenting relationship with his ex, so really if he thinks what I have is baggage then surely he has the same?

I guess what I'm asking is, am I being unreasonable for feeling really put off and belittled? Like I'm not quite good enough but he picked me anyway? I did like him a lot but after this I feel really weird about him. He's been messaging me as normal and wants another date but I've been giving him short answers and avoiding for the most part. I feel really deflated after plucking up the courage to get back out there.

OP posts:
Returnofjude · 21/08/2025 18:27

ormiwtbte · 21/08/2025 18:13

For context, this man has a child of his own and a bad co parenting relationship with his ex

I wouldn't want to take it further because of this. It says a lot about a person. Of course, it could be the ex who is toxic etcetc, but it's bringing unnecessary drama into your life when you have your own children and coupled with the weird shit he said about karate and baggage, I'd hazard a guess that, in this case, he's the main cause of the poor co-parenting relationship.

100%

Campingisnexttogodliness · 21/08/2025 18:30

I had dc when I met dh.. I was 42.. He was 31...he told me he felt privileged to have been able to join our family.. I'm certainly not bloody grateful he 'took us on' fuck that. He is the lucky one...
Settle for nothing less ime.
Oh and I had 10 dc then...

Returnofjude · 21/08/2025 18:31

Campingisnexttogodliness · 21/08/2025 18:30

I had dc when I met dh.. I was 42.. He was 31...he told me he felt privileged to have been able to join our family.. I'm certainly not bloody grateful he 'took us on' fuck that. He is the lucky one...
Settle for nothing less ime.
Oh and I had 10 dc then...

Come again

you had 10 children?

OutsideInfluence · 21/08/2025 18:33

Round House kick, into oblivion

BeltaLodaLife · 21/08/2025 18:39

Surely you replied with, “Did you ever wonder what I saw in you and all your baggage?”

BigOldBlobsy · 21/08/2025 18:44

travailtotravel · 21/08/2025 15:36

Isn't it good when they expose themselves early so you can move on quickly!

^^

HatandCoat · 21/08/2025 18:46

Honestly some men seem to go on dates just to be able to access women they can get a kick out of insulting.

TheWorminLabyrinth · 21/08/2025 19:09

EdisinBurgh · 21/08/2025 16:20

Also giving him the benefit of the doubt - he might be very clumsy and undiplomatic and asking these loaded questions because he doesn’t have the confidence to say what is actually on his mind?

“I have baggage as a single parent and I wonder if you relate to this when it comes to dating”
”I’d love to have another child with you but would keeping up karate be a challenge when you’re pregnant?”

I think it’s worth having a frank chat with him to find out before you walk away!

Edited

JFC your bar must be on the FLOOR if you think suggesting MORE children on a third date is acceptable chat!

TheWorminLabyrinth · 21/08/2025 19:09

EdisinBurgh · 21/08/2025 16:20

Also giving him the benefit of the doubt - he might be very clumsy and undiplomatic and asking these loaded questions because he doesn’t have the confidence to say what is actually on his mind?

“I have baggage as a single parent and I wonder if you relate to this when it comes to dating”
”I’d love to have another child with you but would keeping up karate be a challenge when you’re pregnant?”

I think it’s worth having a frank chat with him to find out before you walk away!

Edited

JFC your bar must be on the FLOOR if you think suggesting MORE children on a third date is acceptable chat!

TheWorminLabyrinth · 21/08/2025 19:09

EdisinBurgh · 21/08/2025 16:20

Also giving him the benefit of the doubt - he might be very clumsy and undiplomatic and asking these loaded questions because he doesn’t have the confidence to say what is actually on his mind?

“I have baggage as a single parent and I wonder if you relate to this when it comes to dating”
”I’d love to have another child with you but would keeping up karate be a challenge when you’re pregnant?”

I think it’s worth having a frank chat with him to find out before you walk away!

Edited

JFC your bar must be on the FLOOR if you think suggesting MORE children on a third date is acceptable chat!

Returnofjude · 21/08/2025 19:09

TheWorminLabyrinth · 21/08/2025 19:09

JFC your bar must be on the FLOOR if you think suggesting MORE children on a third date is acceptable chat!

Show quote history

And this poster confirmed they’d say the same to their own DD 😮

TheWorminLabyrinth · 21/08/2025 19:10

No idea why the triple post. Sorry!

londongirl12 · 21/08/2025 19:12

Asking if you’d give up karate? He clearly would want you to if you had kids together in the future. At least he’s made it clear now! Dump this one and move on.

Returnofjude · 21/08/2025 19:12

TheWorminLabyrinth · 21/08/2025 19:10

No idea why the triple post. Sorry!

It was a good point worth repeating!

5andals · 21/08/2025 19:14

You've got nothing to loose by asking him what he ment by that line of questioning. His response to that will let you know which way to think about him on this. People can be really surprising. However it's difficult to get over The Ick

User37482 · 21/08/2025 19:16

Yup sounds like negging, just say you don’t think it’s going to work out and move on. This one will definitely make you more unhappy than happy.

CalzoneOnLegs · 21/08/2025 19:17

He’s just a random weird stranger why are you giving it headspace, don’t get involved with weirdo men. It’s a hiding to nothing. every time

Jackiepumpkinhead · 21/08/2025 19:18

EdisinBurgh · 21/08/2025 16:38

@Returnofjude yes if she was an adult aged 32 looking for a relationship and this happened I would be sceptical but I would advise her to have a conversation and try to get to the bottom of it before simply blocking and walking away.

Maybe he’s a twat and unsafe. Maybe not. But I teach my children never to assume and to use their voices and ears to discuss and find out what motivates people before they take an action (eg blocking).

You’d be better off teaching your children to trust their gut!

smallsilvercloud · 21/08/2025 19:18

I wouldn’t date anyone that referred to my kids as baggage, he’s already sizing you up to control you with quitting hobbies and having more children with him. Run 🏃‍♀️

Onthebusses · 21/08/2025 19:20

Yet another 'red pill' male who thinks he's being subtle.

He's told you who he is, (women should stay home to rear children and hobbies and degrees are meaningless being a mother and wife is the ultimate goal in life and women are here to serve men and enjoy it too that's our purpose as is cooking and cleaning for him), so believe him.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 21/08/2025 19:21

Don’t feel defeated, feel proud that you’re savvy enough to pick up on these red flags. Believe me, lots of people don’t until they are too far in!

MaryBerrysFannyHammock · 21/08/2025 19:23

Ew, block

Sortalike · 21/08/2025 19:32

If you've got the ick there's no recovering from that.

End it politely and move on.

BySassyGreenPanda · 21/08/2025 19:39

He said you've got baggage - he thinks you've got baggage.

He thinks you should give up karate if you have more children - probably wondering how you're going to step parent his kid if you have your own life and hobbies.

ClareBlue · 21/08/2025 19:51

CharlotteLightandDark · 21/08/2025 15:53

Agree. It can make you look vulnerable or like you lack boundaries/good judgement even if that’s not the case.

it always makes me cringe when shows like First Date encourage people to spill about their insecurities/past bad experiences on the first dates, it’s not a good idea!

Show quote history

Glad I'm not the only one who thinks this. I presume it's to make it interesting to watch but I always think why the hell are you telling them about a traumatic family event and your dad being paralysed in a work accident when you were a teen and having to switch school, when you have known them for 34 minutes.
I