Date asking strange questions

[JMaggs93]

Wanted other's perspectives on this as I've been out of the dating game for a while and have been taken aback by questions this man has been asking me on dates.

I'm 32 and he is 27. We met online and spoke for a while, then decided to meet up. Our first couple of dates were lovely and he seemed really nice and genuine. On our third date we went to watch a film where the leading lady was going on a date herself, a single parent etc, much like myself.

I was driving so on the way to drop him home afterwards we were chatting in the car, and he suddenly asked me if karate (I've been doing this for a few years and love it) is something I'd ever think about giving up in future. I told him of course not, why would I? He then said maybe I'd have to if I wanted anymore children etc which honestly right now I don't want for personal reasons. I found this an odd thing to say but let it go.
We were talking about the movie and the female character who was getting back into dating. He then asked me if I ever wondered what he saw in me on the dating app we met on. More specifically, did I ever wonder what he saw in me and 'all my baggage'? Obviously he meant my kids and my bad experiences with relationships which I'd told him about briefly whilst we were first chatting.

I immediately caught the ick. I was so shocked I didn't really give an answer but it's made me think that he believes I should count myself lucky that a younger man chose me despite my 'baggage'. For context, this man has a child of his own and a bad co parenting relationship with his ex, so really if he thinks what I have is baggage then surely he has the same?

I guess what I'm asking is, am I being unreasonable for feeling really put off and belittled? Like I'm not quite good enough but he picked me anyway? I did like him a lot but after this I feel really weird about him. He's been messaging me as normal and wants another date but I've been giving him short answers and avoiding for the most part. I feel really deflated after plucking up the courage to get back out there.

Ick central. But tell him why!

This.

He gives you the ick. Reason enough to call it off. There are plenty of other men out there and you can take your time meeting a few more and deciding whether any of them are good enough.

Some years out of a long marriage, I am not willing to settle, and don't feel I need to. I've been dating to put myself in the way of opportunity, and because meeting people, hearing their stories, trying new restaurants etc is better than another night in front of the telly.

You may decide (as I seem to have, at least for the time being) that you are better off single, enjoying occasional dates as an evening out and seeing if you feel like meeting again, rather than thinking about each one 'is this my next partner?' I used to be very much half of a couple, now I am a whole, independent person in my own right. I'll share if I find someone I want to share with, but not if he gives me the ick!

It's good you didn't respond him immediately. The problem with such men is that they're good at evaluating others but not themselves. You can't build any relationship with a person that sees children as a burdain, let alone analyse his mistakes to solve a relationship hardship, that all couples go through. Honestly, he isn't worth even a one night stand.

As for sacrifices they should be equal on both sides.

I think he watches lots of manosphere red pill nonsense. Would love to hear the exes side of the story!

The ick should always be listened to. I’d absolutely love to know the reason for his bad co-parenting relationship.

Negging is so vile and insidious and points towards a deep rooted misogyny where overtime a person is left feeling confused, diminished and essentially being gaslighted.

The fact that he couldn’t help himself on only your third date suggests it’s one of his favourite pastimes and I’m glad for you that you’ll be able to make a swift exit. Rather than ghost or peter out I’d email him and just say you don’t think you’re a good match. If he replies don’t bother responding. Don’t let this put you off dating, you just came across an abuser and thankfully he has shown his colours early.

Agree - generally men are the desperate ones cos they’re shit at being on their own and need a carer partner.
But society tells everyone nonsense and lies to keep up the pitiful spinster impression of single women.

Hello, l think the over 95% of the poll gives you the answer.

He has red flag written all over him. Sometimes it is better to call it a day and move on.

l know it’s not easy and dating is hard, however the next guy is looking for you, so get back out there and find him.

Take care of you

It's a huge generalisation, but I have seen evidence. Women who are happily on their own are seen as scary nutcases, or sad and unattractive. Men on their own are seen as hapless and coping badly, desperate for attention and female help to sort their lives out. In both cases it's seen as a abnormal and looked down on, like we're pathetic if we're not with someone.

I suspect if more of us learnt to be happily on our own we'd be better people, and not be so keen to push ourselves or others into expected roles. It's annoying that society shoves us into coupling-up as soon as possible as the desirable thing.

What “evidence” have you seen?

I am a woman.
I have been single post divorce for 6 years
I am very happy and fulfilled and never even got a whiff of feeling judged

My ex
is a man (with whom I remain close friends with)
Also been single for 6 years post divorce
Also very happy and not remotely regarded as a sad case by any of my friends, our mutual friends or indeed I suspect his own friends.

Well that's a bit rude. I would have thought that men are no different than women when it comes to being single. Many single people would like to have a partner, but the idea that women specifically are desperate to find a partner urgently to have children is that part that's rooted in fantasy.

Trust your instincts. If you’re having these feelings now after such a short time, imagine what else will come out. Dont give it any more of your time. As the saying goes ‘ why give it 5 hours if you wont give it 5 years!

Thanks everyone, overwhelmed with the responses!
I appreciate everyone's opinions here and I do have some issues with self confidence and putting myself down due to past experiences. I should be quicker off the mark to defend myself and raise my standards, I'm getting there slowly!
I've since ended this relationship if you can even call it that with a handful of dates. He was very disappointed and when I brought up my concerns (ones I've mentioned in original post) he was a little defensive and tried to tell me 'that's just the way he is'. He said he'd have loved to pursue something with me but I told him I wasn't feeling it anymore, have a nice life blah blah blah.
Thank you again, all. Much appreciated 🙏

EDIT:

Sorry, I thought I'd just try to answer a few questions about the ex and the co parenting etc.
So he explained to me that when his ex became pregnant, they argued a lot and eventually separated and at first she didn't allow him to go to scans, be at the birth etc (I do not judge his ex at all as he didn't say why or what they argued about, who was in the wrong, but he did paint himself a victim.) She did then allow contact but was becoming flakey, for example, denying him access for this reason or that, he was always quite vague and I did have my suspicions that he wasn't quite pulling his finger out but gave him the benefit of the doubt.
On top of all this, it always went through my mind that if we ever became serious and he was having issues with his child and his ex, then that would be brought home to me and my own child which I did not want as my child enjoys our home and his peace now after the volatile relationship I had with his father.

Anyway, too many red flags with this new fella and I'm glad the majority agree with me, again thank you all, he's long gone now!

Sounds like there's a reason why he has a bad co parenting relationship and its him.

Well done @JMaggs93
Sounds like you dodged a bullet

Anyway, too many red flags with this new fella and I'm glad the majority agree with me, again thank you all, he's long gone now!

@OP, Praise the Lord! Wish him safe journey.

Congratulations on exiting the 'relationship' and dodging that bullet :) Im sure there are good ones out there but they can be tricky to find. New 'relationships' are always exciting but before too long the mask does slip and they show you who they really are. It is good when this happens and we have to take notice of it. Enjoy a little more time for yourself before getting back on the horse so to speak :)

One thing I've learnt when dating is to NEVER tell a date if you've been in bad relationships. It sets the precedence to them that, that is the way you expect to be treated

I so agree with this!! I've only dated once since divorce, but I was careful not to let on too much of the dreadful stuff for that very same reason.

I had a friend who did this. Opened the floodgates straight away every time.

Of course she met another awful man. One time she had the guts to call him out on something.

He said she'd accepted much more abuse in the past, so had no right to challenge him over this. That he should be able to be at least as abusive as her ExH was before she even said anything..... What a prince.

She was so broken. A shell of a human because of these men she insisted on staying with.

Let’s be clear that the blame here lies with the man for behaving appallingly. And possibly also with social attitudes for judging women when they are single, especially if they have DC, and making they feel like they owe people an explanation for this. Or are worth less because of this.

A decent man would have made sure to treat your friend right, not seen his opportunity to carry right on where her ex left off.

Oh my word that is vile, but precisely why it's wise not to divulge every detail of your past. We all have all felt that we should be honest with new relationships but the past is the past and should stay there IMO

Let's be even clearer.

*Judging women when they are single, especially if they have DC
No one is telling women to date awful men just so they aren't on the shelf. Especially if they have children. Check the treads on here.

*Making they feel like they owe people an explanation for this
No explanation needed. The only response required when asked why you're single ''at your age' is to say 'because my last relationship ended'. That shuts that shit down straight away.

*Or are worth less because of this
Then we need to work on not giving a shit about what people think. Single women are of high value at any age. Just ask single men.

EDIT: Typo

SassyGreenPanda I don’t think you have read any of the recent threads judging single mothers, but that apart, it would have been possible to make all the points you make in your most recent post without victim-blaming your friend. Have her corner, don’t judge her.
And domestic abuse and coercive control is gendered precisely because of wider patterns of social conditioning. But I don’t think this is anything radical to say.
And if single women were of high value to single men, then men would not be abusing said women.