ADHD toddler and future

[ForLovingTealSheep]

I am at my lowest point in life and I have dealt with pretty bad stuff like cancer but this is eating me up bit by bit everyday . My 2.5 year old who’s that child who doesn’t do circle time or sit in group toddler ever and the older she gets the more difficult it becomes . I have posted many times and every time I have been told that I have Munchausen by proxy until I see my daughter being the only one out of 20 to not sit still for activities at groups and talking all the time .

We don’t have a family history of adhd and we have a total of 4 siblings between me and my partner’s family . Apart from group settings she is strong willed but generally well behaved and always follow instructions to a tee including sitting for meals at home . Sleeps 16 hours a day and eat a good diet . She is not impulsive and for her age I believe she had a good attention span around 6 to 8 minutes per activity but that’s important I guess as I have heard lots of adhd kids can focus well .

All I want to know will she have a relatively independent life and will I ever be able to go to a restaurant with her in the future without having to get up every single time or a simple coffee .

@ForLovingTealSheep I would forget looking for support on MN for this. They are determined to see you as a pathologising mother.

On Facebook there is a group called ADHD Parents Support Group. The group will offer you 2 things. It'll obviously give support. But it'll also show the extremes of ADHD. Which while very sad and difficult for the parents involved, will also offer reassurance to you that while your DD may have ADHD that she isn't to the extremity of many individuals, because ADHD, like ASD is a spectrum.

I think at this age it is very hard to know whether it is normal toddler behaviour or a diagnosed condition. However as you are so focused on it being ADHD then there is a greater chance you will see any behaviour as being this rather than normal. The examples you give of not sitting in circle time sounds like many children, and I am not sure what you are expecting. With routine many children, even some of those with ADHD will be able to do this in school with support. Sitting in a coffee shop is boring...neither of my kids would have sat there either and they are both NT.

Will your child be going to nursery? This might be helpful for you to go back to work/have time apart from them and also for someone else to see whether they notice any behaviour that indicates ADHD.
Taking the word of someone you met at playgroup and hasn't worked for any length of time with your child is not a good idea.

Yes, I might have to do that and that’s very sad to realise that I am not able to find any support .. I don’t want a diagnosis .. all I was hoping was to come across some parents with a similar child to mine and find out different parenting techniques for a child that might be ND . Maybe I haven’t explained myself well but my anxiety has nothing to do with having a ND child but how incredibly difficult the school system may be for her . We live in a very small town and I know for a fact that the local kindergarten cannot accommodate ND kids at this stage .

nursery is not something that I can consider at this stage but I will give it some thoughts later on . It is being this hyper verbal that set some alarm bells and whilst asking around I found out it is quite common in adhd kids not having much of a verbal filter

Are you in the UK?
Only you have said kindergarten. Schools and nurseries can't exclude a child based on them potentially having SEN. Usually schools in the UK have to prove to the local authority why they can't meet the needs of the child and why they need specialist provision, and this is what takes time...from everything you have said there is nothing to suggest your child needs specialist provision at this point.

You're worrying about something that hasn't happened yet.

If you're in the UK you have two years at least before school starts,

Your DD's behaviours are in the realm of "normal", whether it later transpires she has ADHD or not.

Your DD has no ND diagnosis so could go to the local kindergarten.

Yes I am in the Uk and that’s good to know that they cannot exclude her but I think I should disclose my concerns to the teachers ? Boy I used to love my job so badly and was really looking forward to coming back but my husband and I agree that she is mature enough to go yet

You have had plenty of advice from parents with a similar child to yours because you have described a normal 2.5 year old.

Same as you have described in your many many previous posts since your child was 9 months old.

Yes she can follow 2 step instructions all the time and sleeps and eats well but she is hyper-verbal and talks incessantly like narrating things the moment she wakes up , she doesn’t say “ hi mommy “ etc .

You can share your concerns but I wouldn't suggest you think she has ADHD, let them see for themselves. Perhaps look at nurseries attached to the school you want her to go to, therefore if there is a need it can be followed through the school and a proper record made.

You could say to staff you are worried she isn't good at sitting for a length of time, prefers to be exploring. But I wouldn't say she doesn't like sitting as she may have ADHD as that is only opinion.

There is no point in taking my daughter to the GP because of her age and they wouldn’t be able to help .. of course kids are disruptive , of course they are fidgety and prefer exploring but it is the level of struggle that matters .. if you have to leave because you are disruptive to others or in my case my toddler goes into panic mode every single time we do something fun then you have to consider there is something else there .
we have to remove from the situation to achieve calmness and that’s not what a NT maybe shy child does . It takes time but she/ he will get there .. mine has been this way since 10 months

There is no way you can ever diagnose said at 10 months. Anyone who says they can is talking crap.

Absolutely I was just pointing out that the struggles have been occurring since she was 10 months and the only way to calm her down was to remove her from the environment causing her stress like library , play groups etc . We followed th HV advice last year that we should persevere with activities to get her comfortable but things have only got worse since then

She panics or you panic at people judging you and worrying people think she is being disruptive? What exactly is she doing that is causing so much disruption you have to leave?
If you are going to groups that force kids to do circle time at that age then I would look for another group. Some kids love things like forest school and being outdoors, but my son hated this. Maybe this is something that would suit your daughter though.

Just a summary of my DC in nursery. CONSTANTLY in trouble for the behaviours that we were able to manage better at home because we understood.

More or less labelled a naughty child and a problem. Given time-outs. Taken away from class/friends, put in with older groups.

So while you CAN send a child with impulsive/hyper active impulses to nursery there is no guarantee they'd be able to cope with them.

Yes this one and I have heard this story before from parents who cannot focus on their job because of nursery constantly telling how disruptive their child is and cannot cope

Think of the thing you dislike doing most in the whole world. It’s voluntary. Something you choose to do. For me, a running group.

then put yourself in that situation over and over and over and day after day.

I’d hate it my anxiety would be off the scale every time before I even went because I’m shit at running and I don’t fit with the Lycra people.

That’s what you’re making your child do. The equivalent of.

The way you use clinical langauge for your 2.5 year old is very disturbing. It’s like you’ve swallowed a ‘how to identify ND in children’ text book. It will rightly be a red flag to any clinician you see going forward - a mother who has all the buzzwords, all the language and is pushing for diagnoses at such a young age despite no symptoms that would indicate any need for investigation, but who grabs hold of ANY tiny thing that she can attach to a criteria and twists normals behaviours to present as ‘signs’.

She’s not ‘dysregulated’ - she’s tired/bored/frustrated - she’s having emotions - WHICH IS NORMAL.

ALL toddlers are unable to regulate their emotions - they haven’t learned how to do it yet and rely on their caregivers to model how. That’s what tantrums are!! It’s complete normal emotional development for a 2.5 year old.

And W HY are your timing your 2.5yo’s concentration? ‘6-8minutes’ WTF??

STOP pathologising what are completely normal developmental behaviours and stages.

You need to get help for yourself.

do you work?

And now, having assumed ND in your child, you are anticipating having difficulty with nursery and school ‘not being able to meet her needs’

What needs??!!! Right now she has NO additional needs other than a mother who needs to get therapy.

As a mother to two children diagnosed with ND, one in a specialist school, it’s actually REALLY pissing off seeing how you are trying to ‘relate’ to parents of ND children, and all the horrendous battles we have to fight for our kids. It’s actually just laughable and insulting tbh. You are NOT a ‘SEN parent’ or whatever you want to think of yourself as. Just fucking stop it.

Your child is totally normal, she has no additional needs. She is not ‘not coping’ - YOU are the one not coping with parenting a totally normal happy healthy child, for whatever reason, and so you are looking for reasons in your child for why you are finding it hard.

ITS NOT YOUR CHILD - ITS YOU. YOU need to seek help for yourself.

not at the moment… my husband has a very demanding corporate job in the city but Fridays are usually quiet days 🙂and we decided for me to stay at home with our girl when my maternity leave expired .. I am forensic physiologist and my schedule would require my girl to be in nursery for at least 3 days .

I roll my eyes every time I hear the word dysregulated.

Ten years ago we couldn't move for 'meltdowns' and now everyone is 'dysregulated.'

There isn't a 2 year old on the planet who doesn't regularly get 'dysregulated.'

My daughter didn't sit for circle time. She just has lots of energy. As far as I am aware and can see now she doesn't have ADHD.

Do you have any insight into how you sound? Honestly?

I think you need to get back to work then so you can forensically analyse something else other than your child.