ADHD toddler and future

[ForLovingTealSheep]

I am at my lowest point in life and I have dealt with pretty bad stuff like cancer but this is eating me up bit by bit everyday . My 2.5 year old who’s that child who doesn’t do circle time or sit in group toddler ever and the older she gets the more difficult it becomes . I have posted many times and every time I have been told that I have Munchausen by proxy until I see my daughter being the only one out of 20 to not sit still for activities at groups and talking all the time .

We don’t have a family history of adhd and we have a total of 4 siblings between me and my partner’s family . Apart from group settings she is strong willed but generally well behaved and always follow instructions to a tee including sitting for meals at home . Sleeps 16 hours a day and eat a good diet . She is not impulsive and for her age I believe she had a good attention span around 6 to 8 minutes per activity but that’s important I guess as I have heard lots of adhd kids can focus well .

All I want to know will she have a relatively independent life and will I ever be able to go to a restaurant with her in the future without having to get up every single time or a simple coffee .

My mom had cancer five years ago and my anxiety skyrocketed from then point on but after giving birth yes it got worse . I appreciate your point of you and never thought I could have given her anxiety as a gene .
as a teen I loved learning but exam results would always give me abnormal levels of anxiety .

She's a little girl with her own mind and making it known.
Why are you so quick to label her as having ADHD ?
Just because she is clearly very different to you does not mean anything... doesnt sit for circle time? Her little brain is growing by the day, there are likely multiple distractions everywhere that she wants to explore. Just let her be a child.
You sound like you WANT her to be ND.

As for sleeps it is the only curious thing she has been sleeping through the night since 12 months constantly , no regressions ever . She naps from 11.30 to 1.30 and goes to bed at 7

I agree with others that you just need to adjust your expectations. Maybe there is some issue, none of us can tell and even an educational psychologist wouldn't be diagnosing anything at her age, for good reason - because her behaviour sounds totally normal for many many 2 year olds. Being able to go for a coffee in peace is just something you have to give up when you have a toddler who has to be with you. Even my 5 year old is 'annoying' in a cafe or restaurant, if my expectation is that I get to sit in peace and not interact or keep them busy, let alone when he was 2!! You sound like you are putting adult expectations on a toddler, so her behaviour will always disappoint you. Children, like adults, are all different. Some enjoy group activities, many do not. Many children get to Reception, age 4 or 5, and still struggle to sit and listen for a group activity. There is a reason early years education is free flow and doesn't put any expectation of children focusing in a group activity for extended periods of time.

If you still have these worries when she is heading to school, maybe you can address them with professionals then. I'd put good money on these issues no longer being a concern by then! If you keep fixating on this now, you will do real damage to your relationship with your daughter, and your mental health. Be led by her, do activities that she enjoys, in a way she can engage in them, even if that's not how you think she should be engaging.

You're being a bit extra OP. Give your head a wobble, stop timing her concentration span(!), and perhaps try parenting her with less input from your internet research (other than the infinite wisdom of Mumsnet obvs).

This is the example - why would one of you not go and explore with her? It's not fair to expect she sits there with you whilst you enjoy a coffee - that is obviously so so boring for a 2 year old! Sounds lovely and curious and playful that she wanted to go and explore, and instead of taking her lead and taking it in turns to enjoy your coffee/explore with her, you said no. I'm not trying to make you feel bad, but maybe you need to try to see things from her perspective more?

OP, you really can't diagnose ADHD this early, but in addition even if you could this doesn't sound anything like ADHD. I have ADHD and so do my kids. You seen to be really obsessing with ADHD in particular and I can't really see why - nothing you've said suggests ADHD. Even if yourchild was 6/7, I don't think these symptoms would lead to an ADHD diagnosis (but I'm not a professional). They might come out with some other ND diagnosis - but at 2 this is all just par for the course toddler behaviour.

ADHD symptoms need to be consistent across at least two settings. From what you're describing, her inattention/hyperactivity is very setting dependent - eg she'll sit with her DH to read a book, but not with you. And she seems to have a lot of factors that indicate she doesn't have ADHD - at her age following a two step instruction is great! My son did manage that consistently until well part school age.

I think over focusing on ADHD won't get you anywhere. You can try some ADHD parenting techniques to see if they help if course, but apart from that it just doesn't matter whether your child has ADHD or not - nothing changes! You need to focus on the child you have as others have said.

When kids are older, things can change with an ADHD diagnosis because it opens up a medical route to helping support. But the drugs actually only work if you child does have ADHD, and also no one in they're right mind would medicate a toddler anyway.

Toddler parenting is hard and relentless but this will pass, and it does get easier.

Too bloody right. Why would she want to sit in a buggy and watch you drink coffee?

Sorry I should have explained better we did with her the first few times but then my mother in law said “ how do you expect her to be independent if you always say yes to her ?

She sounds like a perfectly normal 2 year old. I don’t know a single 2 year old who would sit patiently in their buggy whilst mum had a coffee! Not one! My own dd wouldn’t sit down for circle time if I paid her in chocolate. She’s perfectly normal, just energetic!

Right I see. I totally get your frustration, I've been there many many times with my kids! She is still very young to sit in a cafe with grown ups, and I think your MIL has unrealistic expectations too. I always manage to get mine to sit for a little bit while I have my coffee by getting them a cake/baby Chino or something, but that will only last until they're finished. Have you tried bringing toys/books to play or read with her whilst you're out in a place like a cafe if you want to get her to sit down?

Totally! Whenever I go to kid friendly cafes or restaurants they are filled with parents running around after their toddlers. No way would the average two year old sit in their buggy whilst their parents have a coffee.

Ignore your MIL. Parent how you want to.

I'm of the school that you should give into your child's every whim, but what else did she have to do? Obviously she's not going to sit quietly in her buggy watching you have coffee - what toys/activities did you bring for her to do?

I really think that rather than obsessing over your DDs behaviour you need to reflect on yourself. It’s really quite strange that you are asking “will she ever live independently?” When she’s 2, she’s speaking in full sentences, doesn’t have any signs of a learning disability and at a push is maybe quite energetic and a little over active. You need to understand how odd it is that this is the question you felt you need to ask. It is also highly insulting to those parents who have genuine, medically confirmed reasons for wondering if their DC will be able to live a normal or independent life as adults. You need to seek help for yourself, not for your daughter.

I thought she slept for 2 hours in the morning and 2 hours in the afternoon? Which is it?

My DC2 was diagnosed with ADHD last year, in their early 20s .

It would have been VERY beneficial to them to have had a diagnosis and treatment while at school. So it is good that you are already considering the possibility. It also sounds highly likely since you have so many members of the family with ADHD.

The good thing about ADHD is that the drugs are extremely effective and have been in existence for decades so tbey are very well tried and tested.

DC2 got decent A-Levels and is now in their 3rd year of uni and achieved a 1st in year 1 and 2 - despite also being dyslexic. With treatment and few reasonable accommodations, there is every reason to expect a happy, fulfilling and successful life.

She sounds completely typical and dare I say it is she was a boy you wouldn't comment, you'd think oh boys will be boys or something equally redundant, but for dinner reason girls are expected to be compliant.

FWIW OP DH has recently been diagnosed with ADHD at the age of 41, he has two undergrad degrees, and a litany of professional qualifications, he holds a senior role in a complex field, has loads of friends etc. I sometimes suspect my 6 year old may have ADHD and it's something we will start to explore in the next year. You can't tell at 2!

That’s the benchmark for adult diagnosis.

Not toddlers.

Oh yes if there are chips on the table or sweet swirl she would sit until they are gone ( she gets them as a treat when we are out ) my MIL also believes that in terms of milestones she is a bit behind because she can’t get herself dressed like a jacket and shoes but I know she can’t do that at all and never thought it was an issue but I am a first time mom who’s never been around kids

I'm sorry I don't mean to make light of something you are clearly worried about but I'm now laughing to myself imagining me worrying about my children living a happy fulfilled life based on their current capabilities - 'I'm so worried 5 year old won't live an independent life, he often doesn't make it to the toilet in time and wees on his shoes'; 'I'm so worried about my three year old's future, he still refers to any past event as having happened yesterday, even if it was months ago' 😂

Sounds like your MIL is very unhelpful. In the Pre-School room at nursery one of the skills they work on with 3-5 year olds is getting their coats and tops on themselves, so she's definitely not behind in that. Next time you go to a play group try looking at the 'negative' stuff other toddlers are doing rather than focusing on all the stuff your daughter can't do. I bet you'll notice lots of things that she can do which others are not so good at.

Is this for real? If so, you need to have a very serious word with yourself. She sounds like a completely normal toddler. Why are you worried because 2.5 year old ant sit for circle time. At this age some children can and so.e children can't. Even if she does have adhd (which you can't possibly know) why know earth do you not think she will.be able to live independently? It is quite appalling to suggest that.

OP says in her original post that she has no family history of ADHD at all.

This also sounds advanced for her age. Instead of running away or messing up an activity she's bored of, she tries it for a few minutes and then suggests tidying up! You seriously need to reframe your thinking about your daughter, she sounds lovely. What a dreadful shame if she starts picking up how anxious and disappointed you are in her.

but I know she can’t do that at all and never thought it was an issue but I am a first time mom who’s never been around kids

OP don't you find it worrying that you do not know what's expected milestone wise etc for her age but you do know what is required for an ADHD diagnosis in more than one country?