DS 16 debagged at school

[Atomsplitter]

My 16 year old year 12 student has just disclosed to me that he was debagged/pantsed by another student while on his recent D of E expedition. Luckily he managed to hold on to his underwear but still very embarrassing 😳 He also said that the same student has been trying to do the same in the common room at school. DS has to tie his shorts really tight to prevent him from pulling them down. AIBU to think this is sexual assault? This person is not his friend and is a bit of a dick according to DS. He has targeted others too apparently, some have been totally exposed. I want to contact the school but DS doesn't want me to and won't tell me the students name.

The legal definition of sexual assault in England and Wales is when someone intentionally touches another person in a sexual manner, without that person’s consent.

The Sexual Offences Act 2003 says that someone commits sexual assault if all of the following happens:

• They intentionally touch another person.
• The touching is sexual.
• The other person does not consent to the touching.
• They do not reasonably believe that the other person consents.
• The touching can be with any part of the body or with anything else.

https://rapecrisis.org.uk/get-informed/types-of-sexual-violence/what-is-sexual-assault/

We were always taught to fight back harder if we got physically assaulted at school. I’d be buying my son some boxing gloves and a punch bag if I were you. Children can be taught to be kind and respectful AND to stick up for themselves.

I'd report it to the school - it's possible the perpetrator himself either has been or is currently the victim of some abuse - this was the case with a boy at my school (aged about 15) who constantly tried to engage in inappropriately and aggressively touching other boys. This was reported by a number of boys at the school and the parent (single father) was called in but the full story didn't come out until years later.

I think it would be a mistake to not approach the school because you son does not want you to - I have made this mistake myself with one of my children and it later had an impact on them - it's something I really regret.

My husband was bullied at school for years and was worried about the repercussions if he reported it. Eventually he couldn't take it any more and told the school who took it very seriously.

When the kid confronted him about it my husband just shrugged and said 'Everyone saw what was going on on, who knows who reported you' and that was the end of it.

I think that YABU to use the term "debagged"

It implies Wodehouse-esque horse play and "oh what larks!!!" joshing, when it is anything but a laugh to the victim.

Yes it happens and amongst boys of a certain age it is usually more about trying to Alpha by humiliating another boy than having sexual overtones.
It absolutely should be reported.

Do readers here think he " should man up" or it was " just a bit of fun" ? Poor standards for men if this is considered " fun". ( maybe cameras involved) It allows tyrants to be tyrants to others. Unless the same or worse is done to the perpetrator and escalation of events. And yes it is sexual assault even if your son doesn't think that....because it also happens to men

He does martial arts and is pretty big and strong but doesn't have an aggressive bone in his body which is probably why this boy has targeted him.

How can you possibly know what the perpetrator's motive was? Do you think it’s only sexual assault if he announces first "I’m secretly gay and it gives me a thrill to see other boys' genitals"?

What!?!?!

Teenagers were doing this to eachother when I was at school all the time to humiliate eachother m they certainly weren't all gay and not coping!! 🙄

Do he can get himself suspended and the shithead can play victim and continue to do this to people?

If he does martial arts, has he learnt how to block people? He doesn't need to be aggressive as such, just prevent access. He can ask his instructor for some tips.

(Beyond the need to definitely take it further with the school/police.)

Please stop spouting on about things you have no clue about. The majority of sexual assaults have varying motives including power, control and humiliation. There is no requirement for sexual motive within the Sex Offences Act 2003. Your replies are unhelpful and potentially harmful so please stop.

Yes he knows how to block punches, kicks etc but hasn't learned how to defend himself against debagging yet 🤔 it kind of came out of the blue.

One of the reasons people debag or pants other people is because its very hard top fight back with your trousers and underwear around your ankles and you have other things to worry about at the time.

Any reaction after the fact would see the OP's DS in trouble and the arsehole that did this the victim.

Generally not good advice. Particularly if the sorting out the bully takes place later.

The initial victim then gets into trouble for assaulting the bully. Often the bully will make sure that their initial assault is out of sight etc.

The victim - whilst justified - gets their own back in full sight of others - and into trouble.

As a secondary teacher I've spent ages sorting out problems from advice such as this.

99% of the time there are better ways of sorting things out. Many times I agreed with the victim - I'd have done it myself as a teenager. Often I'd let them off - but sometimes the system takes over.

It's probably not classed as sexual assault but it's still completely unacceptable

Actually, that's not true either - you cannot consent to your own assault.

But I think it's a perfectly reasonable response to think 'that was annoying and embarrassing' then dust yourself off and get on with your life.

So if having your genitals forcibly exposed in public is just supposed to be ‘annoying and embarrassing’ at what stage do you think it’s ok to feel you’ve been assaulted? Just checking. Would you just dust yourself off if it was done to you in public?

🙄👍
Front breakfall. Donkey kick. Headbutt to the rear. Elbow. Backfist. Other self defence options to attacks from behind are available if he asks the instructors/senseis for advice and practice.

This.
HonestOpalHelper does not seem to understand that "just friends larking about" is not what is described here - in any case it is not his business to judge.

And a teacher is to some extent likely to be a role model, whether he likes it or not. Sadly this sort of attitude is not a good example.

And we all know how well that ends up.

Ex Head of Sixth Form here - definitely report it. They will be able to identify the student without need for a name. As others have said this is sexual assault and is terrible for your son to feel at risk on a daily basis. Talk to him about tactics for avoiding this boy in & out of school, and what to do if another assault occurs. Of course it would be best if your son reported it himself but if he remains unwilling to, you must do it. You can ask the Head of Yr 12/13 to be as discreet as possible, but they will need to talk to your son.

I'd call the instructors myself, explain that school is having an epidemic of this behaviour and ask them to go through some defensive options with the group soon.

At primary he was even grabbed in his private areas - it was during football and the child who did it alleged he was trying to get the ball and didn’t know what he was doing ????? The school said that since no teachers saw, they would need to take both boys stories into account and no further action was taken. He was leaving that year in a few weeks so I left it but I am still infuriated everytime I think about it.

Also when shorts pulled he’s always lucky had underwear on, and has given the kid who did it a push / kick after, but still. Makes me furious.

What kind of martial arts is he doing? Former professional combat sports athlete here - Most of it is absolute nonsense unless he has the strength/aggression to overpower someone.

Get him boxing or doing Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, or to an MMA class that covers both.