DS 16 debagged at school

[Atomsplitter]

My 16 year old year 12 student has just disclosed to me that he was debagged/pantsed by another student while on his recent D of E expedition. Luckily he managed to hold on to his underwear but still very embarrassing 😳 He also said that the same student has been trying to do the same in the common room at school. DS has to tie his shorts really tight to prevent him from pulling them down. AIBU to think this is sexual assault? This person is not his friend and is a bit of a dick according to DS. He has targeted others too apparently, some have been totally exposed. I want to contact the school but DS doesn't want me to and won't tell me the students name.

I’m not sure about sexual assault but it is an assault. I would 100% phone the police if someone did this to me in the street so of course it is. I’d report to the police and bypass the school, who are always fucking useless at dealing with criminality.

Fingers crossed

My son was in year 9 when it happened to him, and had people commenting on his size.
I had to explain to him that none of these 'Children' knew what size or shape everyone's was, and neither should they as they were only children, so shouldn't actually have seen others genitals. And that they were still developing and that all of us come in all shape and sizes, and that's ok. But my son was still hurt. And I can still see the impact a few years on.

Yep - I’m not wanting to continue the argument here, @YaWeeFurryBastard , but your school does sound like a massive cultural outlier compared to the schools I went to in the 80s/90s. And we moved around a lot with my dad’s job, so I went to six different ones between age 5-18 (two private, rest state).

If you are a teacher you should have had safeguarding training and should know that it's up to the Designated Safeguarding Lead to decide on this, not you.
The Op's son may not see it as being without malice - in any case it needs to be dealt with.

I’m at a loss for words at some of the responses on here.
It absolutely is SA! Ffs
As quite a few people have said, if it was a boy doing this to a girl, there would be an outcry!
If this happened to my DS, it would be a toss up between the police and I’d get a hold of him, myself.

Indeed, it is, but that depends on whether the pupil in question decides to report it or not (assuming no member of staff witnessed), that is where context comes in.

If it was his mates larking about he might decide that it was just a bit of joking around and leave it be.

If conversely it was a gang of thugs, he might rightly choose to report it.

Lets say it happened to me as a 45 year old man tonight, if it was the head of IT (who's my good mate) doing it in the pub after a few jars, I would not be going to the police - if however some random stranger did it, I would - that's the context.

This is totally and completely unacceptable and I think you’d be getting different responses if your son was a daughter.

I would definitely raise this with the school - I got picked in a lot at school and to some extent bullied- but it didn’t really bother me too much. However I know of others who were very badly affected by bullying and pranks. I would urge your son to reconsider not reporting. This horrid and vile bully needs stopping.

Report to school asap but ask fir them to be discreet knowing your DS doesn’t want to be named

Absolutely report it. There was an incident like this at my son’s secondary school. The parents rang the school, but also involved the police. The students were suspended for a period of time too. Schools take this sort of thing very seriously.

In the eyes of the law it is. I’ve asked police sergeant DH

Sadly this has happened to my son a lot and the school aren’t in the least bit interested.

Was that quite a long time ago? I do hope things have changed! I thought schools were better about this kind of thing these days, especially private.

What??!! In ANY other place, this would be assault: The street, workplace, gym, whatever. How can the school sit by and do nothing while a child's genitals are exposed? I swear I'm not normally a proponent of violence, but if the school did nothing, he should have given the perp a good punch. Also, could you tell the police? I would have done, even if they are children. Or I'd have gone round to the little git's house and screamed blue murder at the parents. 😡

Sexual assault, ffs.

We really do have a generation of pathetic parents raising a generation of even more (often through no fault of their own) pathetic kids.

For god's sake don't go into the school about this OP, when the kids find out they'll make your son's life an absolute misery.

I wonder about your parents.

@Velmy

I'm sorry if your upbringing led you to believe that it's okay for someone to try tp publicly expose your genitals without consent, but it is wrong and you should not tolerate it happening to you, nor should you do it to others (especially not to children).

However you might feel about the law and its possible application, your anger at a mother asking for advice on the issue (and deciding to encourage her son to report it to the school) is disproportionate, to the extent that it suggests that you might have some unresolved trauma. If so, perhaps consider speaking to someone, professional or otherwise. If not - consider calming the fuck down x

1st RTFT, the pupil that did this is not the OP's DS 's friend.

2nd, As a teacher you should know better, if a pupil came to you with this and you did nothing or worse replied as you did here you could be in a world of hurt.

This is a safeguarding issue and would need to be pushed up to the DSL.

At nearly 18 he is about to be classed as an adult.

And an adult man repeatedly trying to strip a 16 year old child, and succeeding in exposing others, is going to find himself treated as an adult.

This is assault. It's also bullying and harassment. And I think it could quite definitely have a sexual element.

This must be reported before this creep takes it a step further. Or perhaps before he tries it on an intended victim who can defend himself, and he gets injured.

You must report it. They must do their safeguarding duty.

@VelmyI’m very disturbed by your response and you are part of the problem of a generation of parents who think this type of behaviour is ok. It simply isn’t.

@Atomsplitterplease report it, as an ex head of year and pastoral lead I had a wonderful group of students I could rely on to tell me subtly when unsavoury behaviour was happening in the year group. The school will have ways of finding out without having to mention your child’s name. I remember when this happened to a male friend of mine when I was at school he was mortified and it really affected him as everyone was talking about how small he was they had shoved him out of the changing room in full view of people as the bell had just gone for changeover. Even when we got to 6th form there was always someone who would think it was hilarious to bring it up.

Get this behaviour nipped in the bud…the school I’m currently in treats it as sexual harassment/assault: forcibly removing underwear and exposing genitals without consent is a 5 day suspension, a second offence is permanent exclusion.

Is that what you did to people at school then? It seems to have hit a nerve.

Have you checked the school's safeguarding webpage? Lots of schools have some kind of facility to anonymously report concerns (e.g. via online form), so your son could name the perpetrator without fear of being identified.

This behaviour is bullying and embarrassing.
No school would be happy with this happening on any expedition.
I would go directly to the teacher in charge to make an anonymous report of exactly what type on incidents are/were happening and over an approximate number of months.
Explain that your child doesn't want to make an official complaint nor be known to any of his peers as having 'dobbed'.
Ask the teacher whether you should also report to the Principal.
Silly, annoying and harmful bullying practices can become institutionalised if not addressed.
That is why it is important that you talk to the staff.

I don't defend or condone the behaviour in any way, obviously. And it'sunderstandably very upsetting for most people.

But I think it's a perfectly reasonable response to think 'that was annoying and embarrassing' then dust yourself off and get on with your life. That's clearly what your son wants to do. I think he's old enough to make that call, and it indicates a level of robustness and resilience which is not at all a bad thing. I think you should respect his wishes and let it go.