AIBU to make my adult son’s lunchbox?

[wheretoyougonow]

Normally I wouldn’t be doing this for him but just interested to know if you think I’m BU by doing this in these circumstances. I am going to bullet point my reasons for ease of reading.

~ I’m disabled and can not contribute to the household as I used to. On my son's days off he is very good at helping with housework/cooking.
~ My son has lived away at uni so I know he can be independent. He doesn’t expect this as standard but is grateful.
~ He is working 12 hour shifts and is on his feet all day. He comes home and wakes up shattered.

I suppose it makes me think I’m doing something nice for him as he does so much for me but am I mothering him
too much?

I see your post was deleted while I was typing @ThisAquaWriter

I don't really know what triggered means but why do you equate doing something for another adult as being a slave?

And why would having your lunch made occasionally make one automatically incapable of doing it oneself?

I find that quite a sad viewpoint

You're both helping each other and helping the household.

I know a couple of families who want their children to do everything themselves from a young age.

One of my 11 year olds friends has to do everything for herself, she is responsible for her own washing, packed lunches, breakfasts, some cleaning in the house.

While yeah, I get the whole independence thing, it just seems so fucking joyless. You have a whole life ahead of your where you have to do stuff. It’s not going to kill anyone to just be looked after and enjoy being carefree when you are young.

I have a slightly different view point though as I just had to do everything myself from a young age.
my mum was very ill from when I was 8 and my dad had to work double shifts so we could keep our house as she had been the higher earner. She died a few years later and he had a breakdown as well as having to keep on working all the hours he could. We had no one else, so I had to keep a home running from the age of 11, or we would have lived in squalor and never eaten. It didn’t make me independent - it just made me miserable.

I am obviously not coming a man in his 20s making his own lunch, but you can’t put a price on feeling loved and cared for. That to me breeds more independence than parents having the attitude of “you are a certain age now, I’m doing nothing for you.”

My DH often makes me a sandwich to take to work. Is he BU?

It’s only ever an issue when women do it for men.

You have a reciprocal relationship, he is otherwise self sufficient on that basis i think

"Awww... this is nice"

When I graduated for the first couple of months my mum would make me dinner as I was just knackered I still remember it fondly ot was a really kind thing she did for me 💕

I work in events, and I have some full-on jobs when it comes to the actual events, I’m barely home. My mum has been known to hand me a wrapped sandwich she’s done for me, when she comes to collect DS. I like it. It’s a way of showing love.

I think you're doing it for yourself as much as for him, as it feels good to be useful and contribute. This isn't mollycoddling your son or hindering his growth and progress; this is a mum treating her son and making both of you happy. Go for it!
I don't know your situation, but for what it's worth I think at a certain point in time most mums feel a bit redundant and like they'd like to do more or feel more useful, don't feel like it's just you in your circumstances. It sounds like you've got a lovely set up with give and take and lots of love xx

I think it comes under the heading of nice things we do for people we love, and there's no reason at all not to do it if it makes you both happy.

I happily make a lunch box for anyone who needs one because they've got a long day or a long journey ahead of them, its one less task for them to do when they are busy or tired. I've done it for My dad, my sister, my grown up kids, my DBIL when they've been staying with me and have a long drive ahead of them. It lets them lie in an extra 15 minutes before they set off. I'd definitely do it for any one in my household who was working long shifts.

I am obviously not coming a man in his 20s making his own lunch, but you can’t put a price on feeling loved and cared for. That to me breeds more independence than parents having the attitude of “you are a certain age now, I’m doing nothing for you.

You are correct. Psychological studies actually show that feeling loved and cared for fosters greater independence rather than hinder it. It's due to developing a secure attachment and therefore feeling comfortable taking more risks in life and reduces general anxiety

I think this is a lovely thing to do.

I quite often do things for my family that they are perfectly capable of, and see it as an ‘acts of service’ kind of love language gesture.

my wife loves it when I make her a lunchbox, as do my kids. I also like making overnight oats for us all.

I also like it when my kids make me a cup of tea when I’m sat ant my desk working, and when my wife hoovers my car for me. I can do these things for myself but I value the care it shows.

it’s nice to be nice, and you are modelling kindness to your son (who sounds a very lovely young man) 🙂

If he was demanding this or huffing if you didn’t make his lunch then that would be a totally different situation.

Yup.

I’ve taken that approach to everything with my children. I’ve been told so many times over the past 23 years how my children will never learn to be independent because I am/was always there, the things I have done for them.

Well, if I told you what my two eldest have done/are doing in life for jobs, your hair would turn white. That “mollycoddling” as I have been told it was, has created two people, so far, who are extremely confident and independent, and who have gone out into the word and done things that most people wouldn’t have the guts to do. I WISH they were less independent and confident at times, I wouldn’t be a ball of anxiety.

I am very glad my 23 year old is currently at home to make a packed lunch for at the moment to be honest.

This.

Who would hoover the stairs??? 🤣🤣🤣

I've got up at stupid o'clock to clear the ice off my sons car window and warm the car up for him many times.

He was working 50 hours a week to save for uni and he was at college full time, it's nice to be nice just because you can sometimes.

That is a shit job. So DP does it. 🤣

I personally love coddling my adult son, and he really appreciates what I do for him.

he coddles me too on occasion, like starting my coffee in the mornings if he is up first, making my lunch alongside his own if I’m working from home and lots of other nice little caring acts.

I love that I have modelled this kind of caring, community minded approach to life, and he has grown up to be a very well rounded and well liked young man.

🤣

On my son's days off he is very good at helping with housework/cooking.

~ He is working 12 hour shifts and is on his feet all day. He comes home and wakes up shattered.

What does 'very good at helping' mean? Does he just take out the bins and make toast sometimes or does he vacuum floors/scrub bathroom and cook from scratch?

Does he contribute financially?

I think it's fair as I outsource the rest to the roomba I paid for.....

This is so lovely, you are helping each other. I've made my DS's lunch before because he's always so pleased.

Whenever my DF made me anything I always felt extra loved.

I think when you're living with someone, whoever it is, it's nice to do things for them if you can. I understand that perhaps you can't do as much as you used to, and this is your contribution - that's great, and I'm certain he appreciates it, and knows his lunch is made with love :).

No one is going to turn pale, let alone white-haired, at the mention of a stranger's job!

This thread has brought up a lot of feelings for me, deeper ones than the opening post warranted probably. Feellings about the enjoyment I get from mothering my adult children when I see them and how much I obviously miss doing that. I expect it would be different if they still lived with me.

I am sorry that @ThisAquaWriter felt they had to leave. I think that if the post had been about washing the sons smalls there would have been more agreement. Packed lunches are special.

You know what I mean. But they are both doing things that are quite dangerous, one where his life was in danger constantly, that most parents would not want their children to do and would lose sleep over.