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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Going out with son without me

144 replies

justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 02:52

I don't like farms. I have phobia of animals. My partner asked if I wanted to meet his friend with my little one there too. I said no as I thought it was just his friend and didn't want to intrude. His friend suggested going to a farm. Someone then booked tickets to a farm with his friend and his partner as well as my little one. I've never met the partner and have been keen to meet her. The day he told me of the plan, I said I'm upset that I couldn't meet the partner with him and felt left out. I then said I really want to come if it was something other than a farm. He said that his friend suggested farm so that's it. I brought it up again because I was having FOMO. He apologised but didn't do anything e.g. contact friend to change activity or anything. I then brought it up the third time but this time to say that I wish he did something to change it and was disappointed he didn't. He then said I was being pathetic and that I always create problems. I didn't like the insults in front of my little one. I am fed up. AIBU?

OP posts:

ConfusedSloth · 20/08/2025 03:11

YABU I’m afraid.

You were asked if you wanted to come. You said no. He’s perfectly entitled to take his son, to see his friend at an age appropriate activity without even asking you or regardless of whether you want to come - the fact you were asked and said no makes you even more unreasonable now.

Surely you recognise that, if someone invites you to join them at a farm, you decline the invite and plans are finalised, it looks poor for your partner to go to his friend “oh, by the way, JustAnother does want to come but she also wants to change the activity”? Tickets may well have even been booked.

DarklingIlisten · 20/08/2025 03:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

lovemyboyz247 · 20/08/2025 03:37

You were asked if you wanted to go and you said no because the activity is a day out to the farm.

you can join them next time when they go somewhere else.

a friend of mine hates the idea of camping. That was the activity that was planned by a group of parents. Her husband had never been camping before either, but took his two children and they had the best time. My friend felt she missed out, but her husband didn’t want his kids to miss the opportunity as he knew he would never convince her to go as a family. Maybe your husband prefers to have a day out with another family if he knows you are unlikely to want to take your children to the farm and would rather have company than just go with the children on his own in the future.

I see you say you have a phobia of animals. The farms I have been to don’t have animals roaming free and come up to you. The animals are in designated areas. Also the farms I have visited have a small train, children’s play area and small cafes as well as other activities suitable to children.

could you not go along with them for the day out and choose to avoid going up to the animals. Your husband can take the children and you can wait away from the animals but can still join them for the walk around and any other activities so you still feel part of the day out?

SnowyPetals · 20/08/2025 03:38

You sound like hard work.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 20/08/2025 03:38

They were invited to join a trip to a farm. It’ The sort of thing kids love - rude to expect people to change activity they’ve just issued an invitation to. Three times you kept moaning about it. YABVVU bit surprised he lost patience with you.

BlankBlankBlank14 · 20/08/2025 03:44

Don’t bring it up for a third time in front of your DC, honestly you caused the issue!

What help have you accessed for the phobia?

Visiting farms is a great childhood activity and your DH is right to take the DCs to enjoy it. They don’t have a phobia.

SparklesGlitter · 20/08/2025 03:46

He’s not a mind reader and you’d already said no. Just let them go and enjoy a brew in peace and quiet, because that sounds like bliss.

the farm is already booked arranged. It would be very embarrassing to change it now just because of another person going along. What if they’ve told the child they’re off to the farm? Suggest meeting up another time and put this one behind you.

i don’t agree with name calling, however, it sounds like frustration that he cannot seem to get his point across.

PollyBell · 20/08/2025 04:18

You are meant to be a grown up so it may assist you to act like one, I really cant see how your behaviour benefits your child at all

steff13 · 20/08/2025 04:25

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

It looks like he apologized twice and only got irritated the third time she brought it up. Maybe she does always cause problems.

DarklingIlisten · 20/08/2025 04:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

steff13 · 20/08/2025 04:55

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

I can understand lashing out at someone if they just keep getting at you. And I don't think pathetic is anywhere near the worst thing you could call someone. And he didn't call her pathetic he said she was being pathetic. To my way of thinking there's a difference; being pathetic is describing a behavior not describing you as a human being.

beAsensible1 · 20/08/2025 04:56

I think consistently bugging him to completely change plans that you said no to because you’ve decided you want to meet one of the people isn’t reasonable.

there are 3 other people who want to go to the farm including the children. If you want to meet the partner do it another time.

it’s not fair to cancel a kids trip to a farm because an adult wants to meet another adult but doesn’t like farms.

he shouldn’t be calling you names.

You can’t use fomo to change other peoples plans. Drop it.

DarklingIlisten · 20/08/2025 05:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

BlackCoffeeAndSugar · 20/08/2025 05:05

You are invited to this. You do not want to go. Don't ruin everyone else's fun.

Why don't YOU organise an activity next month that doesn't involve animals and invite them to that?

Zanatdy · 20/08/2025 05:10

The tickets are booked. You can meet the friend’s partner another time.

NaiceBalonz · 20/08/2025 05:29

Poor bloke, sounds like he's not allowed to do anything with his own child without you 🙄

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/08/2025 05:31

But your partner knows you have a phobia of animals, right?

And he still okay’d the purchase of tickets to the farm knowing you’d really hate it?

That is weird. And thoughtless. “Yes it’s fine. My wife hates animals so let’s go somewhere with her son where there are lots of animals.”

I think you are right to object. You are being left out. What a strange and unkind way for a partner to behave if he’s aware of your animal phobia.

Is he normally like this?

And also op, is the child your child or your partner’s too? Just wanted to know.

kkloo · 20/08/2025 05:42

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/08/2025 05:31

But your partner knows you have a phobia of animals, right?

And he still okay’d the purchase of tickets to the farm knowing you’d really hate it?

That is weird. And thoughtless. “Yes it’s fine. My wife hates animals so let’s go somewhere with her son where there are lots of animals.”

I think you are right to object. You are being left out. What a strange and unkind way for a partner to behave if he’s aware of your animal phobia.

Is he normally like this?

And also op, is the child your child or your partner’s too? Just wanted to know.

Nothing weird, thoughtless, strange or unkind about it, he didn't book her a ticket and try to make her go.

And anyway sounds like the plan for the farm was made after she said she didn't want to go to meet the friend and child.

Lighteningstrikes · 20/08/2025 05:56

YABVU
Don’t ruin their lovely day out. Your DC will love it and it will be very healthy and educational for them.

You really need to prioritise getting help with your strange phobia.

BlankBlankBlank14 · 20/08/2025 06:02

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/08/2025 05:31

But your partner knows you have a phobia of animals, right?

And he still okay’d the purchase of tickets to the farm knowing you’d really hate it?

That is weird. And thoughtless. “Yes it’s fine. My wife hates animals so let’s go somewhere with her son where there are lots of animals.”

I think you are right to object. You are being left out. What a strange and unkind way for a partner to behave if he’s aware of your animal phobia.

Is he normally like this?

And also op, is the child your child or your partner’s too? Just wanted to know.

He didn’t try to force her to go…

Where did you get that from?

Also are the dc never to see and meet animals because OP has a phobia? I’d be thanking the DP for taking them and not making them indulge the OPs phobia,

BlankBlankBlank14 · 20/08/2025 06:03

Zanatdy · 20/08/2025 05:10

The tickets are booked. You can meet the friend’s partner another time.

Yes, maybe arrange something OP?

Thiscouldberotterdam · 20/08/2025 06:06

Why is meeting your partners friends gf/bf so important? Id just arrange something another time if you're that keen to meet them.

I have a phobia of birds. If DH suggests going out and I dont want to go he usually takes the opportunity to take DS somewhere like the owl centre that he knows I wouldn't agree to but in fairness DS loves. If I then changed my mind I wouldn't expect the plans to change to accommodate my irrational fear.

Your DC will probably enjoy the farm and you get a couple of hours to yourself. I'd let this go.

Calling you pathetic isn't ideal but it's the third time you brought it up so he's probably frustrated.

RoseAlone · 20/08/2025 06:08

My husband takes our kids away for long weekends without me, I don't see the problem with them going for a day out. He's being a good dad, it's a you problem.

Do something about your problem with animals otherwise your child is going to miss out hugely on the joy of pets and you may well pass your fear onto him which would be tragic.

IamnotSethRogan · 20/08/2025 06:14

Can you not just meet them after for a coffee or something?

Not ideal that he called you pathetic but this was what his friend invited him to do, he can't just change the plans. They were probably going to the farm anyway and invited you all along so it would be pretty rude.

He told you he was going to a perfectly normal activity with the children and you admit you went on at him about it 3 times.

Also do you have form for expecting people to go along with what you want as opposed to what they want ?

HoppingPavlova · 20/08/2025 06:20

Good lord. The world doesn’t revolve around you. They can all go on the nice day out they had planned. Yes, it was pathetic of you to stamp your foot up and down and try and get your partner to change it, so he called a spade a spade on that one. Why do t you just organise the next activity at something you do feel you will be able to cope with?

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