Going out with son without me

[justanothermother2023]

I don't like farms. I have phobia of animals. My partner asked if I wanted to meet his friend with my little one there too. I said no as I thought it was just his friend and didn't want to intrude. His friend suggested going to a farm. Someone then booked tickets to a farm with his friend and his partner as well as my little one. I've never met the partner and have been keen to meet her. The day he told me of the plan, I said I'm upset that I couldn't meet the partner with him and felt left out. I then said I really want to come if it was something other than a farm. He said that his friend suggested farm so that's it. I brought it up again because I was having FOMO. He apologised but didn't do anything e.g. contact friend to change activity or anything. I then brought it up the third time but this time to say that I wish he did something to change it and was disappointed he didn't. He then said I was being pathetic and that I always create problems. I didn't like the insults in front of my little one. I am fed up. AIBU?

I do and my issue isn't that he's meeting friends without me at all. It's that I said I was keen to meet his friend's partner because I like his friend - really nice guy. And I thought he would consider me when he planned to meet his partner. I just thought it was odd he would plan a family day without me?

I did ask and he said it was just his friend. I only found out after he booked tickets it was his friend and partner.

But I see your point. I understand after tickets purchased it can't be changed but he had an opportunity before tickets were purchased to make it more accessible. Even after tickets were purchased he could have encouraged me to come to help me get over my phobia

But he hasn't planned a family day without you. In your post you said My partner asked if I wanted to meet his friend with my little one there too so you knew all along it was him and a friend, this isn't a family day out.
A family day out would be you and DS and partner going to the farm but you don't want to go to the farm due to your phobia.

I am actually really happy my son can go to see the animals. It is a great activity for him and also really grateful my husband has the confidence to take him out on his own (he never used to!).

I think I was upset at the time and like you say I think a reassurance of meeting them another time would have been nice but there was none of that. I think just being nice about it would have helped me! Especially as I was PMSing!

Yes. I do! I have asked my partner for help with this and I think I would have liked some encouragement with the farm. I tend to be braver in front of my son because I don't want him to develop the same phobia as me

Thank you everyone for your thoughts - especially those who responded kindly. I am seeing my GP about DSD I think I am having - potentially ADHD related. DH has a pattern of not inviting me to meet his friends and I think I need to work on that.

I have told DH that I would have liked to meet the partner and I would have liked to come had I known. I also thought my DH would stand up for me if the friend offered a farm and offered an alternative so I would have been able to come. He doesn't usually speak up for me and I wish he does...

I think was being unreasonable expecting a change of plans - I think I wanted him to speak to me before he booked tickets with his friend and partner.

I don't think going to the farm with his friend and partner is the real issue here. I think it is the lack of communication (i.e. telling me that he is meeting the partner which I have told him I want to) and the fact that he doesn't normally stand up for me (i.e. friend offered farm so he could have offered an inclusive idea instead or even invited me for lunch after farm).

OP - YABU

Your DC should get to interact with animals even if you have a phobia. You should be delighted they are getting this exposure. Hopefully this means you wont pass it on

Is it your friend though? Why are you so fussed about meeting DHs friends partner?

If you are also close to the friend why don't you message them and arrange another outing?

Why does he have to do that though? Instead of harassing him to try to change the activity, why didn't you just suggest something like that yourself?

Sorry but your phobia is just that. YOUR phobia. It isn't for your partner to help you overcome it.

And he has been considerate... He's said he will take your son to see the animals because he knew you wouldn't want to go?!

He’s right, you are always creating problems and it must be very tiresome for him and your phobia is going to negatively impact on your child.

Get some counselling and hypnotherapy for YOUR problems as they are spoiling normal activities for your family.

Definitely write your own plan so you feel in charge and it's at your own speed. I suspect your partner will be more supportive in helping you once he sees you're taking active steps. Him hurrying you won't make it easier.
You could add going to a park to find insects/look at ducks. Then do the same in your garden/balcony if you have one, e.g. plant something like lavender to attract bees & butterflies, or put up a bird feeder.
Also, it helps some people to find out more facts about a species (though that is more about rationalising that most spiders aren't actually dangerous).

By the time you decided you did want to go it had been booked. Did you really expect them to cancel the booking of something fun for the children just for you?

and you were fine your child going before you knew about the partner so it’s nothing to do with the child going really it’s your jealously!

I think you need to be more proactive about your own life, TBH, rather than outsourcing it to your partner. You could have suggested meeting up afterwards, you could have taken steps to address your phobia already, you could have said yes at the outset but asked for a different venue before tickets were booked. But you didn’t. That’s on you.

THANK YOU ALL. It's nice to hear the other side. I don't speak to my friends about things like this because DH doesn't like everyone knowing our business (which is fair enough). I'm glad I had a sound board here. I already apologised to him yesterday for this and hopefully he apologises for the way he spoke to me and we can move on.

@justanothermother2023 You do sound like a child throwing a tantrum. It must be really tiresome for your DH.

Try to step out of yourself a little bit and look at your child who will get a lovely day with daddy. That's what you ought to have said instead of moaning how now you want to go. How is your child supposed to enjoy their day when they know their mum is unhappy because she's not coming? Time to grow up and focus on your child.

I'm a bit concerned he's isolating you. You're not allowed to meet his friends, you're not allowed to speak to your friends about something that matters to you. How often do you see your own friends/family? Is he difficult afterwards?

He doesn't have much contact with his family. His friends are his family I think... I have contact with my family. I don't think he's isolating me I think he just feels like our personal problems should be solved between us because people like to get too involved

Hmm I agree in part with you're saying. I don't think it's necessary to say 'grow up'. Of course I put my child first! I am obviously finding this particular scenario difficult. Thanks for your thoughts though.

I will try to be more positive about this and you are right that I should be happy my child is having a lovely day with his dad. I just wish I was there too!

Only on mumsnet would a woman post to say her DP invited her to go to a day out with his friend, the OP say she doesn’t want to go because it’s “only” his friend. Then, the OP get her arse handed to her and drop feed that he doesn’t invite her to meet his friends 🧐 and then have people genuinely say he sounds like he’s isolating her!! 😂🙄

She was invited. She said no.

Totally unreasonable.

You said you didn’t want to go and the tickets were bought with that in mind.

Just arrange an other activity at a different time!

You could also have the been proactive and asked if you could join them after? Or take the initiative to organize the next activity since you want to meet the friends partner.

While he was unreasonable to use such words you also seem to be playing into your phobia and weakness rather than being proactive and making suggestions etc. Why couldn't you buy an extra ticket when you changed your mind? It's not like it's a theater and there are no seats next to them or Something.

I think you are extrapolating and expecting him to do a lot of guessing and about what is ultimately a short trip to the farm.

he invited you, you said no. There’s no reason for him to check again or change the plans for fun day because someone else tagged along. ultimately the only way for you to go would be to deny the children a farm trip.

and choosing a group farm with small children and new people to do exposure therapy is not the way most people pick. If you wanted to go afterwards to meet the girlfriend that’s up to you not him.

I get the curiosity about the new girlfriend but again it’s his friend not yours so most people wouldn’t change their plans with THEIR mate so their partner could be nosy.

you can speak to your friends about your problems it’s really not up to him.

If you wanted to go for the sake of your DS then you’d have said yes at the point you were invited when your phobia was irrelevant because a farm hadn’t been suggested or booked.

The clear inconsistencies between your OP and your dripfeeds to sway people onto your side is making you seem even more unreasonable.

As you said explicitly in the OP, you don’t care at all about going on the day out with your partner and child - you want to meet this new partner.

Exactly. She just wants to be nosy and is miffed to miss out on a bit of gossip.

which is fine, just be honest with yourself.