Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going out with son without me

144 replies

justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 02:52

I don't like farms. I have phobia of animals. My partner asked if I wanted to meet his friend with my little one there too. I said no as I thought it was just his friend and didn't want to intrude. His friend suggested going to a farm. Someone then booked tickets to a farm with his friend and his partner as well as my little one. I've never met the partner and have been keen to meet her. The day he told me of the plan, I said I'm upset that I couldn't meet the partner with him and felt left out. I then said I really want to come if it was something other than a farm. He said that his friend suggested farm so that's it. I brought it up again because I was having FOMO. He apologised but didn't do anything e.g. contact friend to change activity or anything. I then brought it up the third time but this time to say that I wish he did something to change it and was disappointed he didn't. He then said I was being pathetic and that I always create problems. I didn't like the insults in front of my little one. I am fed up. AIBU?

OP posts:
Starlight1984 · 20/08/2025 09:57

Friend: Does JustAnother want to come?
DP: No, I just asked her and she doesn't want to come.
Friend: Ok. Shall we go to the farm?
DP: No, JustAnother has a phobia of animals.
Friend: Oh - but you just said she's not coming?
DP: She isn't.
Friend: So, why can't we go to the farm?
DP: Because JustAnother has a phobia of animals.
Friend: But she won't be there.
DP: I know...

This has made me properly laugh this morning 😂@ConfusedSloth

mondaytosunday · 20/08/2025 10:11

Surely you take your child to see friends without your partner? People he hasn’t met? This sounds like a great activity and you can meet friend and their partner and another activity.

Ally886 · 20/08/2025 10:23

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

I think if he kicked off after the first or second time you have a point but to bring it up 3 times she sounds dead annoying. I'd be calling her a petulant child at least

Poopeepoopee · 20/08/2025 10:25

ConfusedSloth · 20/08/2025 03:11

YABU I’m afraid.

You were asked if you wanted to come. You said no. He’s perfectly entitled to take his son, to see his friend at an age appropriate activity without even asking you or regardless of whether you want to come - the fact you were asked and said no makes you even more unreasonable now.

Surely you recognise that, if someone invites you to join them at a farm, you decline the invite and plans are finalised, it looks poor for your partner to go to his friend “oh, by the way, JustAnother does want to come but she also wants to change the activity”? Tickets may well have even been booked.

As ever, first post nails it.

adlitem · 20/08/2025 10:29

YABU. You said you didn't want to come, they made plans. You then did want to come but wanted them to change their plans to accommodate you even though you had already said no. Then you picked a fight about it.

Dinosaurshoebox · 20/08/2025 10:29

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/08/2025 05:31

But your partner knows you have a phobia of animals, right?

And he still okay’d the purchase of tickets to the farm knowing you’d really hate it?

That is weird. And thoughtless. “Yes it’s fine. My wife hates animals so let’s go somewhere with her son where there are lots of animals.”

I think you are right to object. You are being left out. What a strange and unkind way for a partner to behave if he’s aware of your animal phobia.

Is he normally like this?

And also op, is the child your child or your partner’s too? Just wanted to know.

The world and other people do not resolve around OP.

BigDeepBreaths · 20/08/2025 10:44

You belong on the entitled thread.

Why should everyones plans change to suit your needs? Especially when it includes kids who will be excited about going to the farm.

Anyone with a phobia should know that sometimes it means having to miss out/suck it up.

If you are still struggling with this, an example of a reasonable response to what you are feeling would have been “Gosh i have bad FOMO now. How about we make another plan soon to go for lunch/to the trampoline park/other activity and I can meet friends partner? Pls remember to apologise and explain my reason for not being there on this occasion”.

catmothertes1 · 20/08/2025 11:05

I don't see where the problem is. Would most mums not welcome a few hours at home by themselves?

Agapornis · 20/08/2025 11:34

Address your phobia. I had a phobia of crayfish (based in a childhood event) which stopped me from swimming in open water and meant I missed out.
You can either get paid help, or set up your own exposure programme. Set a deadline, and do everything set for that month at least once a week/4-6 times, more as needed until you feel reasonably comfortable. E.g. your goals could be:
Month 1 - Visit a friend with a small safe pet e.g. goldfish/hamster or similarly contained animal.
Month 2 - Go to a pet shop with small furries.
Month 3 - Visit friends with a cat/docile dog. Pet it.
Month 4 - Walk past a field with cattle/pigs.
Month 5 - Go to a zoo (as you usually can't get within touching distance).
Month 6 - Go to a farm/petting zoo/city farm.

Life is SO much easier without a phobia.

Hankunamatata · 20/08/2025 11:39

Totally yabu.
You harassed him 3 times and tried to force him to change plans.
Id call you pathetic too

adlitem · 20/08/2025 11:40

Agapornis · 20/08/2025 11:34

Address your phobia. I had a phobia of crayfish (based in a childhood event) which stopped me from swimming in open water and meant I missed out.
You can either get paid help, or set up your own exposure programme. Set a deadline, and do everything set for that month at least once a week/4-6 times, more as needed until you feel reasonably comfortable. E.g. your goals could be:
Month 1 - Visit a friend with a small safe pet e.g. goldfish/hamster or similarly contained animal.
Month 2 - Go to a pet shop with small furries.
Month 3 - Visit friends with a cat/docile dog. Pet it.
Month 4 - Walk past a field with cattle/pigs.
Month 5 - Go to a zoo (as you usually can't get within touching distance).
Month 6 - Go to a farm/petting zoo/city farm.

Life is SO much easier without a phobia.

I know it's off topic, but very curious about what this crayfish related childhood traumatic event was....

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 20/08/2025 11:43

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/08/2025 05:31

But your partner knows you have a phobia of animals, right?

And he still okay’d the purchase of tickets to the farm knowing you’d really hate it?

That is weird. And thoughtless. “Yes it’s fine. My wife hates animals so let’s go somewhere with her son where there are lots of animals.”

I think you are right to object. You are being left out. What a strange and unkind way for a partner to behave if he’s aware of your animal phobia.

Is he normally like this?

And also op, is the child your child or your partner’s too? Just wanted to know.

They were invited along to an activity someone else suggested, her DH didn’t plan it. Why should they all miss out because she doesn’t want to go?

she is being pathetic. And trying to deny her kids a lovely day out.

RealEagle · 20/08/2025 11:51

Hope they have a lovely day!

whistlesandbells · 20/08/2025 12:01

Is “farms” a euphemism?

Jesus, what a load of drama and stress.

hoohaal · 20/08/2025 12:07

I accidentally selected ‘YANBU’, but unfortunately I think you are being unreasonable.

Your Son will have a nice time there and they shouldn’t have to change plans because of your fear.

They can always arrange another date to do something else fun.

Just for comparison - I’m petrified of the sea. My kids and partner love it and they go in on paddle boards etc. Partner meets all his friends and kids there. Sometimes I don’t go because I’m just sat at the side too scared to go in. It does hurt that they all get to socialise and do fun stuff without me, but that’s my problem and unfortunately I just have to let it go.

Try not to feel too put out.

Agapornis · 20/08/2025 12:10

adlitem · 20/08/2025 11:40

I know it's off topic, but very curious about what this crayfish related childhood traumatic event was....

Show quote history

I was taking some stones from the bottom of a lake to stick in my (yet empty) bikini top. Turns out there was a crayfish in there which I didn't realise until emptying the bikini top 😅 fucking terrifying as a 8ish year old!

I can laugh at the incident now, but 20+ years of being too scared to swim in lakes wasn't great.

SecretNameAsImShy · 20/08/2025 12:20

Is that a phobia of ALL animals. You need treatment for that! Trying to get everyone to change the activity after they have booked and paid for tickets is very unreasonable.

adlitem · 20/08/2025 12:21

Agapornis · 20/08/2025 12:10

I was taking some stones from the bottom of a lake to stick in my (yet empty) bikini top. Turns out there was a crayfish in there which I didn't realise until emptying the bikini top 😅 fucking terrifying as a 8ish year old!

I can laugh at the incident now, but 20+ years of being too scared to swim in lakes wasn't great.

Edited
Show quote history

oh god! I had similar with a moth and was scared of them for ages!

Ellie1015 · 20/08/2025 12:24

Yabu.

At the start you should have asked who was going rather than assume just dh and friend.

Your dh agreed to an activity, had you been going he would have presumably suggested and alternative.

Now tickets have been purchased. Of course he cant suggest changing the activity.

Understand you are disappointed you arent attending but yabvu to complain to dh about it.

steff13 · 20/08/2025 12:55

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/08/2025 06:27

@ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler do what?

Where did I say the Ds can never see animals without his mum?

Some really bizarre extrapolations from posters on this thread.

The op said she’d like to meet these friends. And objected when it’s at a farm. This time. Not all times.

Dearie me.

Right, not every time. So she doesn't have to go this time. She could go next time. Or she could have said "hey I'm not into the farm but why don't we meet for coffee afterwards or you all can come back to our place and we can order pizza?" I mean if she really is that anxious to meet this person then I think she could compromise.

Cheesetoastiees · 20/08/2025 12:58

I couldn’t deny my child an age appropriate fun activity with his dad because I was afraid of something.

Stop being so silly/making it about you, wish them a good day, enjoy the peace and then arrange something else with the other family for another day.

Original poster
justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 13:22

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

Thank you. I think I was being unreasonable to change plans. I think what I'm upset about is that if I knew it was his friend and their partner, I would have said yes and I would have thought my partner would have asked if I would like to come in that case and potentially asked if the friend would consider something that is not a farm.

I agree that I shouldn't deprive my child and never will of his right to visit animals. I think I wish it was more a collaborative conversation of my partner asking me if I would be open to visiting it (I've always said I want to try going there one day to get over my phobia for the sake of me and my son). My partner has a pattern of not inviting me to things which I think is what this stems from perhaps?

OP posts:
Original poster
justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 13:23

steff13 · 20/08/2025 12:55

Right, not every time. So she doesn't have to go this time. She could go next time. Or she could have said "hey I'm not into the farm but why don't we meet for coffee afterwards or you all can come back to our place and we can order pizza?" I mean if she really is that anxious to meet this person then I think she could compromise.

Show quote history

You're right. I do wish he asked if I was open to meeting up with them after the farm. I just thought I would be part of the family activity given that he is my son too

OP posts:
Moonnstars · 20/08/2025 13:26

Do you not ever take your son out without your partner? It sounds like this is the issue that you now feel left out as dad and son are going out with friends. Surely there are times when you go out alone with your son and meet up with people?

Original poster
justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 13:26

Agapornis · 20/08/2025 11:34

Address your phobia. I had a phobia of crayfish (based in a childhood event) which stopped me from swimming in open water and meant I missed out.
You can either get paid help, or set up your own exposure programme. Set a deadline, and do everything set for that month at least once a week/4-6 times, more as needed until you feel reasonably comfortable. E.g. your goals could be:
Month 1 - Visit a friend with a small safe pet e.g. goldfish/hamster or similarly contained animal.
Month 2 - Go to a pet shop with small furries.
Month 3 - Visit friends with a cat/docile dog. Pet it.
Month 4 - Walk past a field with cattle/pigs.
Month 5 - Go to a zoo (as you usually can't get within touching distance).
Month 6 - Go to a farm/petting zoo/city farm.

Life is SO much easier without a phobia.

Yes, I am trying to. Thank you for the plan. I have asked my partner to help me with my phobia (as he doesn't have one) to slowly visit petting farms etc. He hasn't really made the effort and I know if it was the other way around I would have defo been more considerate

OP posts: