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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Going out with son without me

144 replies

justanothermother2023 · 20/08/2025 02:52

I don't like farms. I have phobia of animals. My partner asked if I wanted to meet his friend with my little one there too. I said no as I thought it was just his friend and didn't want to intrude. His friend suggested going to a farm. Someone then booked tickets to a farm with his friend and his partner as well as my little one. I've never met the partner and have been keen to meet her. The day he told me of the plan, I said I'm upset that I couldn't meet the partner with him and felt left out. I then said I really want to come if it was something other than a farm. He said that his friend suggested farm so that's it. I brought it up again because I was having FOMO. He apologised but didn't do anything e.g. contact friend to change activity or anything. I then brought it up the third time but this time to say that I wish he did something to change it and was disappointed he didn't. He then said I was being pathetic and that I always create problems. I didn't like the insults in front of my little one. I am fed up. AIBU?

OP posts:
Clumsycorvid · 20/08/2025 06:22

In my opinion you were being pathetic. Farms are great for little ones - gives them enough stimulation without going too over the top and a great way to meet and talk with adults at the same time.

He's allowed to take his DC wherever he wants (within reason) without you and I think you need to start addressing your phobia otherwise you'll seriously be missing out on future activities.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/08/2025 06:22

@BlankBlankBlank14eh? What are you on about? I never said he forced her to go or tried to force her to go.

Read my post again. You’re lacking English reading comprehension skills.

I said her partner knows she has an animal phobia and still okay’d a visit to a farm, knowing she would struggle with it. Which to me is thoughtless. And then calling it pathetic when she objects because she would like to socialise and meet these friend of his and her partner.

Nowhere in her post does the op say she prevents her partner and her ds from doing activities together whether they visit animals or not.

She saying that this time she would have liked to have met the p’s friend and his partner.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/08/2025 06:23

It seems phobias are in fact an indulgence on MN.

ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler · 20/08/2025 06:25

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/08/2025 05:31

But your partner knows you have a phobia of animals, right?

And he still okay’d the purchase of tickets to the farm knowing you’d really hate it?

That is weird. And thoughtless. “Yes it’s fine. My wife hates animals so let’s go somewhere with her son where there are lots of animals.”

I think you are right to object. You are being left out. What a strange and unkind way for a partner to behave if he’s aware of your animal phobia.

Is he normally like this?

And also op, is the child your child or your partner’s too? Just wanted to know.

What?! So her son can never see animals without her because she is scared of them? don’t give OP any ammunition. She is absolutely out of order and I agree with her partner. She is being pathetic. She can’t expect the plans made to please the kids to change for her because she has fucking FOMO.

taxidriver · 20/08/2025 06:25

just try the farm
do you not like zoos either?

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/08/2025 06:27

@ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler do what?

Where did I say the Ds can never see animals without his mum?

Some really bizarre extrapolations from posters on this thread.

The op said she’d like to meet these friends. And objected when it’s at a farm. This time. Not all times.

Dearie me.

ConfusedSloth · 20/08/2025 06:28

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/08/2025 05:31

But your partner knows you have a phobia of animals, right?

And he still okay’d the purchase of tickets to the farm knowing you’d really hate it?

That is weird. And thoughtless. “Yes it’s fine. My wife hates animals so let’s go somewhere with her son where there are lots of animals.”

I think you are right to object. You are being left out. What a strange and unkind way for a partner to behave if he’s aware of your animal phobia.

Is he normally like this?

And also op, is the child your child or your partner’s too? Just wanted to know.

OP didn’t want to go! Why on earth shouldn’t a man take his child to a farm just because the mother, who didn’t want to go, doesn’t want to go to a farm?

Divebar2021 · 20/08/2025 06:30

A phobia of all animals? That must be very difficult OP. How do you go anywhere given the rise in popularity of dog and dog friendly entertainment everywhere. I’d seek some therapy for that because it’s seemingly governing your life which is going to be stifling for your family.

ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler · 20/08/2025 06:30

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/08/2025 06:27

@ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler do what?

Where did I say the Ds can never see animals without his mum?

Some really bizarre extrapolations from posters on this thread.

The op said she’d like to meet these friends. And objected when it’s at a farm. This time. Not all times.

Dearie me.

Everyone is reading your post the same which suggests you are in the wrong. Op said she didn’t want to go and a farm was booked. She can’t then say actually I want to go but you need to change the activity that was booked and paid for.

ConfusedSloth · 20/08/2025 06:30

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/08/2025 06:22

@BlankBlankBlank14eh? What are you on about? I never said he forced her to go or tried to force her to go.

Read my post again. You’re lacking English reading comprehension skills.

I said her partner knows she has an animal phobia and still okay’d a visit to a farm, knowing she would struggle with it. Which to me is thoughtless. And then calling it pathetic when she objects because she would like to socialise and meet these friend of his and her partner.

Nowhere in her post does the op say she prevents her partner and her ds from doing activities together whether they visit animals or not.

She saying that this time she would have liked to have met the p’s friend and his partner.

He only okayed a visit to a farm because she wasn’t going. You criticising other people’s reading comprehension is quite bizarre.

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/08/2025 06:38

Again @ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddlerwhere did I state the op’s ds can never see his animals without his mum?

K0OLA1D · 20/08/2025 06:40

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/08/2025 05:31

But your partner knows you have a phobia of animals, right?

And he still okay’d the purchase of tickets to the farm knowing you’d really hate it?

That is weird. And thoughtless. “Yes it’s fine. My wife hates animals so let’s go somewhere with her son where there are lots of animals.”

I think you are right to object. You are being left out. What a strange and unkind way for a partner to behave if he’s aware of your animal phobia.

Is he normally like this?

And also op, is the child your child or your partner’s too? Just wanted to know.

She originally said no though?

PoshDuckQuarkQuark · 20/08/2025 06:41

@justanothermother2023
You are deliberately causing problems and being childish.

He asked if you wanted to go. You said no.

You can't just have a tantrum and demand he chooses another location!

Your behaviour is almost narcissistic. Pushing and pushing him until he gets annoyed then having a go at him for getting angry.

Strictly1 · 20/08/2025 06:44

From the OP ‘ I said no as I thought it was just his friend and didn't want to intrude. His friend suggested going to a farm. Someone then booked tickets to a farm with his friend and his partner as well as my little one’ so she didn’t want to go so booking a farm made no difference. She then changed her mind and wanted to meet the GF. This would mean cancelling/losing the farm tickets already purchased. Instead of accepting that through her own choices she had missed out, she moaned.

OP organise a different activity on a different date to meet the GF but stop giving your other half a hard time. Own your decisions.

ConfusedSloth · 20/08/2025 06:46

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/08/2025 06:38

Again @ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddlerwhere did I state the op’s ds can never see his animals without his mum?

But how exactly can he see animals without his mum without criticism from you? I genuinely cannot think of a way if you think he's wrong here.

Can you give an example that you think would be ok?

InterestedDad37 · 20/08/2025 06:47

You can't impose your phobias on other people, basically. You could treat it as an opportunity to face up to your fears.
Pet a pig, hug a lamb, make sure it's actually the animals you fear, and not a wheat/barley thing 🤔🐖🐏🌾

ConfusedSloth · 20/08/2025 06:49

No one seems to be acknowledging how rude (and borderline creepy) it is to not want to see the friend because it's "only" his friend but desperately want to meet the partner. If I were the friend/partner then I would feel very uncomfortable.

autienotnaughty · 20/08/2025 06:49

So your partner-

invited you and your child out with him and his friend and you said no
they then booked to visit a farm for your partner, friend and child
now you want to go too but don’t want to do that activity so expect them to change their plan

Firstly is the child your dps child too?

Secondly did you know they were taking the child regardless of whether you went?

Thirdly does the friend have kids?

It’s unreasonable of you to expect them to change their plans because you changed your mind it’s also weird you said no in the first place if you did want to meet friend.
id say either go to farm or leave them to it.

ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler · 20/08/2025 06:49

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 20/08/2025 06:38

Again @ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddlerwhere did I state the op’s ds can never see his animals without his mum?

When you said “that is weird. And thoughtless. “Yes it’s fine. My wife hates animals so let’s go somewhere with her son where there are lots of animals”. OP was never going to be there so it’s not weird and thoughtless. It’s taking an opportunity to take the kid somewhere he wouldn’t normally go. If you’ve misunderstood that she was never going until she got FOMO then don’t double down on your point. Grown ups don’t get FOMO.

ConfusedSloth · 20/08/2025 06:53

ProfessionalWhimsicalSkidaddler · 20/08/2025 06:49

When you said “that is weird. And thoughtless. “Yes it’s fine. My wife hates animals so let’s go somewhere with her son where there are lots of animals”. OP was never going to be there so it’s not weird and thoughtless. It’s taking an opportunity to take the kid somewhere he wouldn’t normally go. If you’ve misunderstood that she was never going until she got FOMO then don’t double down on your point. Grown ups don’t get FOMO.

Show quote history

I agree with the principle of your point but I think adults can get FOMO (although most adults would phrase it differently). Adults just don't tantrum about it and expect the whole world to change.

If I have to work late on Halloween, I might get FOMO about DH taking the DCs Trick or Treating without me. The adult response isn't to tell them not to go though, it's to deal with my own FOMO.

If your FOMO is fixed by others missing out too then that's selfish. If I can't go to Oasis then I wouldn't feel better by the tour being cancelled.

moose62 · 20/08/2025 06:54

On a different note, does your phobia of animals include domestic animals etc ....if so, your DS is going to have a very limited childhood if you avoid everywhere with any animals.
Perhaps start working on your Phobia and you won't suffer from FOMO.

gerispringer · 20/08/2025 06:56

There’s some effective behavioural therapies for phobias which the OP should investigate. No one has to suffer a phobia for ever- do something about it for the sake of your child OP.

Sirzy · 20/08/2025 06:58

Your child deserves to have these experiences - both visiting places you wouldn’t be able to take him and spending time with people other than Mum.

Dont put a dampener on it for everyone by sulking. Wave them off and let them have a fantastic day

Skodacool · 20/08/2025 06:59

ConfusedSloth · 20/08/2025 03:11

YABU I’m afraid.

You were asked if you wanted to come. You said no. He’s perfectly entitled to take his son, to see his friend at an age appropriate activity without even asking you or regardless of whether you want to come - the fact you were asked and said no makes you even more unreasonable now.

Surely you recognise that, if someone invites you to join them at a farm, you decline the invite and plans are finalised, it looks poor for your partner to go to his friend “oh, by the way, JustAnother does want to come but she also wants to change the activity”? Tickets may well have even been booked.

If you read OP you will see that tickets HAD been booked.

GlitteryUnicornSparkles · 20/08/2025 07:10

I kinda see where you are coming from OP, in that you were asked if you wanted to go out (presumably before the farm was agreed?) and without realising friends partner would also be going otherwise you’d have said yes dependant on activity rather than on the people going and may have been able to agree on somewhere else. It’s a bit annoying for sure, I get that bit as you said no based on it being a bit of a lads day out with the kids.

However since you said no a farm was agreed and presumably friends partner then decided to go along also (its unclear whether she was intending to go from the start or decided to tag along after they had picked a venue) and tickets got booked, husband didn’t double check before booking because he knew you’d say no to a farm. Telling him you’re a bit disappointed about it once was fair enough so he knows for future but to keep going on and on about it and actually expecting him to then request a complete change in plans when the farm had already been booked and paid for and would incur financial loss for all parties just to facilitate you was an unreasonable expectation and I’m not surprised he got a bit annoyed.

Just enjoy having a bit of free time to yourself.