My DS is moving to live at his dads

[yellowbuzzybee]

I guess my AIBU is that I know that I should be feeling really sad. I’ve been the main parent for most of DS life but he’s now moving to secondary school and to stay at his dads very soon and I am feeling relieved that I don’t have to do the heavy day-to-day parenting stuff. I can now put my career first and do whatever I want to do whether it be travel, stay out all night, not cook dinner and just lay about uninterrupted. Of course I’ll miss him, but I’m happy being a weekend parent some phone calls during the week and time during the holidays - the setup fathers typically have when they aren’t with the mother.

I never thought I felt like I would feel like this, but as he’s got an older I’m actually tired of having to nag him all the time. Do your homework! Tidy your room! Get to school on time! I think now I can just enjoy and appreciate my time with him more and we can do fun stuff together. He is here with me for the next couple of days and already, I’m really appreciating this time with him, but I’m looking forward to being childfree!

AIBU to Feel that way? Would you judge a mum who said this to you? If your DC, dad said he wanted to take the kids full-time, would you consider it?

I wouldn't judge, parenting is hard, let alone as a single parent. Enjoy your new found freedom, and your weekends with your son.

Is the decision your DS's, or a mutual one?

As long as it's a mutually agreed arrangement, perfectly OK.
Why wouldn't it be? Dad's are able to do this all time

No judgement here - can I ask if this was always the plan or if it was a recent decision for him to move in with his dad?

I think as long as everyone is happy then it’s positive and I hope you enjoy your new arrangement/ setup :)

YANBU. As long as his dad is a good parent and DS is happy to be moving there I think it totally understandable to be happy about the change. I think I'd feel the same as you.

The bit that really jumps out at me is that you say you were nagging him all the time. That makes me feel sad. Did it really matter if his room was messy?

I hear you. I’ve been a single parent for years and whilst mine haven’t gone to live with their dad, I totally hear you on the role reversal. Just don’t be surprised if he wants to come home!

Does he have siblings? Step siblings?

Doesn’t sound like you are massively bonded to him tbh which isn’t ideal is it… hope it works out for you all and that’s not the case

Honestly I would a little yeah, just like I’d judge dads for the same thing, it’s just sad to read. But it’s not a judgement I’d hold against someone either, I only admit it because you’ve asked. Hopefully your son just feels loved and settled. Wouldn’t hold your breath about getting all the weekends with him though as he becomes a teen, but it sounds like you’d be ok with that balance anyway.

I don’t actually think this is ok. You should want to be with your child more than a couple of days a week. They need both parents. I co-parent 50/50 and love my time alone but I couldn’t imagine only seeing them every now and then. Why is it all or nothing between you and your co parent?

So I wanted to coparent but the school that he goes to is just too far so 50-50 wouldn’t work especially with secondary school and having to drag all his stuff back-and-forth.

He has expressed that he wanted to live with his dad when he got a bit older and I was super against it but DS really wanted to go to the school and I wasn’t ready to move to the new area. His dad has expressed before that he wanted him to stay with him. So I had to think, my son wants to go his dad wants him and it just does make sense so I can’t fight this. I need to be supportive and I need to see the silver lining!

RE my bond with my son I’d say we’re close however he’s at that age where all he wants to do is game and watch TV and be on his phone and so I do struggle with stuff to do with him other than going out to eat, going for dessert and the odd fun activity that he enjoys. I am hoping that going forward, we can really spend the time that we have together doing stuff together!

Surely it's perfectly normal and indeed desirable that as your children get closer to adulthood your "need" to be with them diminishes?

It's good parenting to be comfortable with them leaving the nest!

I would judge you hugely I am afraid. I was the one who lived with my dad and saw my mum at weekends in the holidays. I still can’t believe she allowed that to happen and she didn’t want me enough to at least have 50/50. My dad was and is an amazing dad. I don’t have too much of a relationship with her now and neither do my kids, and yoh should be prepared for that.

I can’t relate to how you’re feeling. You’ve put yourself first and not your son. To be that’s unforgivable. You should have said no to him or agreed with 50/50. It’s never ever the same if you’re not there for all the times, good and bad. How far is too far for 50/50

I probably would silently judge, though I dont know why as this is the set up for many dads.
I do however totally understand the feeling of just being able to do fun things without all the day to day dredge. My son is 13 and the nagging feels constant. I do feel our relationship could be better if I didnt have to do that and we could just spend time together rather than worrying about homework, chores etc.
And to the previous poster, yes it does matter if his room is messy, most people dont want their sons to grow up to be messy men who expect their partners to do the tidying just like mummy did.

Ignore the projection here. And the pearl clutching.

You've put your son’s education first. If he’s happy and you are what more is there? I certainly wouldn’t judge you!

@BMW6
The child is starting secondary school so probably about 11 years old.
Nowhere near being an adult.

@Pinkroom is this not a little bit sexist? You judge mums whose children don’t live with them more than you would dads in the same position. It’s a very common attitude (including on this thread) but seems like obvious sexism to me.

@Tipeetommeey it seems to me like OP has put her son first. He wants to go to a school which is not accessible from her house. It is accessible from his dad’s house. So he lives there. Saying “no, I insist you stay with me even though that means you can’t go to the school you prefer” would surely be a pretty selfish attitude, putting OP’s feelings before her son’s stated wishes?

Sorry have you actually been through this? If not don’t judge. It is not pearl clutching it’s an actual experience and needs consideration,

I don't judge you but I don't envy you either.

My kids had this set up with their dad during their teens when we split up - it was very much his choice before anyone asks.

Now they are way less involved with him & he often messages me to find out things about them/ their plans etc. He's become more of a friendly uncle than their dad.

100% I judge dads that would see their child so little too. No difference in my eyes.

why are you ‘not ready’ to move to the area? How far is it?

I happily waved mine off to uni -unlike most on mn keeping their bedrooms the same, bereft

Surely he's only 11? Please get him off the computer and phone, at least some of the time. Doctrine of perfection, I know. I'd have been bereft, tbh.

Well the very old 'Disney mum' label will be used which seems to be the go to expression when a parent does not have a child ft

But as long as a child is cared for properly and is happy why the double standard?

Yes it is a sexist view. I didnt say I dont judge dads, I do. It just seems more 'the norm' set up for dads.

That’s absolutely fine. I’m the opposite and desperate to spend time with my 16 year old but that is because I missed out on loads and loads of time with him when he was younger as I work for the emergency services and do shifts and it was so hard to be a good parent then. I’m a single parent and his dad will only see him 3 days a month so he was left on his own a lot and missed out on things like clubs as I couldn’t get him there due to work.

In your situation it seems the opposite to me because you did lots of parenting when he was younger so I think it’s absolutely fair enough that you now want to be the weekend parent. Enjoy doing things for you and do some nice things when you see him at the weekends. You don’t have to take him out all the time, you could do things like cook nice meals with him. Enjoy.