Page 5 | My DS is moving to live at his dads

yellowbuzzybee · 2025-08-19T21:14:09+00:00

I guess my AIBU is that I know that I should be feeling really sad. I’ve been the main parent for most of DS life but he’s now moving to secondary school and to stay at his dads very soon and I am feeling relieved that I don’t have to do the heavy day-to-day parenting stuff. I can now put my career first and do whatever I want to do whether it be travel, stay out all night, not cook dinner and just lay about uninterrupted. Of course I’ll miss him, but I’m happy being a weekend parent some phone calls during the week and time during the holidays - the setup fathers typically have when they aren’t with the mother. I never thought I felt like I would feel like this, but as he’s got an older I’m actually tired of having to nag him all the time. Do your homework! Tidy your room! Get to school on time! I think now I can just enjoy and appreciate my time with him more and we can do fun stuff together. He is here with me for the next couple of days and already, I’m really appreciating this time with him, but I’m looking forward to being childfree! AIBU to Feel that way? Would you judge a mum who said this to you? If your DC, dad said he wanted to take the kids full-time, would you consider it?

JoyDivision79 · 21/08/2025 10:47

@Autumnsprings that is a really cruel low blow. You have purposely pulled the card that most mum's have as a weakness. And that is not ok to do.

If there was no capacity to care, OP wouldn't be posting. So you have exploited that space to care and shamed entirely.

Her son could be a nightmare. She's allowed to feel ok about this. He wants to go. He wants it.

50/50 is really not in the best interests of children. A fixed base is better for stability. She could move and he doesn't give her time because he's about to become a teenager. Which is ok for him to do. Yet, sacrifice continually to your own detriment is not good, healthy or right. We don't know enough about how much that could be relevant here.

Autumnsprings · 21/08/2025 11:02

JoyDivision79 · 21/08/2025 10:47

@Autumnsprings that is a really cruel low blow. You have purposely pulled the card that most mum's have as a weakness. And that is not ok to do.

If there was no capacity to care, OP wouldn't be posting. So you have exploited that space to care and shamed entirely.

Her son could be a nightmare. She's allowed to feel ok about this. He wants to go. He wants it.

50/50 is really not in the best interests of children. A fixed base is better for stability. She could move and he doesn't give her time because he's about to become a teenager. Which is ok for him to do. Yet, sacrifice continually to your own detriment is not good, healthy or right. We don't know enough about how much that could be relevant here.

What card? OP is the one listing all the reasons why it’s better for her child to live with his dad and why it’s great she is now a weekend parent. If her 11 year old is a nightmare that is a direct reflection of parenting (or lack of) he received from his parents . No one is shaming her. She wants us to agree with her decision and I don’t. Again he is only 11. Not an adult.

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 21/08/2025 11:21

What rubbish.

Let’s not pretend that this is about anything other than the OP’s own selfish interests. Nowhere has she said that he’s a nightmare or that this is best for him, but let’s put her OP into context shall we? For the people who think that aspiring to be a Disney parent is something to be proud of.

I’ve been the main parent for most of DS life but he’s now moving to secondary school and to stay at his dads very soon and I am feeling relieved that I don’t have to do the heavy day-to-day parenting stuff. I can now put my career first and do whatever I want to do whether it be travel, stay out all night, not cook dinner and just lay about uninterrupted. Of course I’ll miss him, but I’m happy being a weekend parent some phone calls during the week and time during the holidays - the setup fathers typically have when they aren’t with the mother.

It’s all me me me me me. Not one line in that OP about what is in the best interests of the child. In fact she’s proud of the fact she’s going to be like all the deadbeat fathers out there who are proud of the lack of time they spend with their children.

I hope she’s going to be paying decent maintenance.

KilkennyCats · 21/08/2025 11:41

50/50 is really not in the best interests of children
Based on what, exactly @JoyDivision79 ??

Onthebusses · 21/08/2025 12:00

That's very honest and I wouldn't judge because everyone's motives, priorities, skills, and abilities are different.

I wonder, do you think you would have felt differently if it were a female child?

Meandmyguy · 21/08/2025 12:11

Enjoy!

Mine are 17, 18 and 19 and my God sometimes I can't wait to hear those 3 little words......I'm moving out :)

Cinaferna · 21/08/2025 12:12

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 21/08/2025 11:21

What rubbish.

Let’s not pretend that this is about anything other than the OP’s own selfish interests. Nowhere has she said that he’s a nightmare or that this is best for him, but let’s put her OP into context shall we? For the people who think that aspiring to be a Disney parent is something to be proud of.

I’ve been the main parent for most of DS life but he’s now moving to secondary school and to stay at his dads very soon and I am feeling relieved that I don’t have to do the heavy day-to-day parenting stuff. I can now put my career first and do whatever I want to do whether it be travel, stay out all night, not cook dinner and just lay about uninterrupted. Of course I’ll miss him, but I’m happy being a weekend parent some phone calls during the week and time during the holidays - the setup fathers typically have when they aren’t with the mother.

It’s all me me me me me. Not one line in that OP about what is in the best interests of the child. In fact she’s proud of the fact she’s going to be like all the deadbeat fathers out there who are proud of the lack of time they spend with their children.

I hope she’s going to be paying decent maintenance.

Did you read this bit:

He has expressed that he wanted to live with his dad when he got a bit older and I was super against it but DS really wanted to go to the school and I wasn’t ready to move to the new area. His dad has expressed before that he wanted him to stay with him. So I had to think, my son wants to go his dad wants him and it just does make sense so I can’t fight this. I need to be supportive and I need to see the silver lining!

KilkennyCats · 21/08/2025 12:20

Cinaferna · 21/08/2025 12:12

Did you read this bit:

He has expressed that he wanted to live with his dad when he got a bit older and I was super against it but DS really wanted to go to the school and I wasn’t ready to move to the new area. His dad has expressed before that he wanted him to stay with him. So I had to think, my son wants to go his dad wants him and it just does make sense so I can’t fight this. I need to be supportive and I need to see the silver lining!

Show quote history

The bit that says DS really wanted to go to the school and I wasn’t ready to move to the new area?
Did you?

Thedoorisalwaysopen · 21/08/2025 12:42

You're happy, son is happy, dad is happy. I suppose you will pay your way in terms of maintenance until he is out of education. Nothing to judge!

JoyDivision79 · 21/08/2025 12:53

KilkennyCats · 21/08/2025 11:41

50/50 is really not in the best interests of children
Based on what, exactly @JoyDivision79 ??

My opinion. Thanks.

JoyDivision79 · 21/08/2025 12:57

@AnyoneWhoHasAHeart I referenced that we all come.at this with our own experience and bias.

Can I ask what happened to you to make you write that? Very full of emotion that says this isn't about OPs situation.at all.

Who cares if she is making the most of this? She hasn't quite driven him to boot camp in Korea. Let's not lose sight of this situation.

Tipeetommeey · 21/08/2025 17:11

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 21/08/2025 11:21

What rubbish.

Let’s not pretend that this is about anything other than the OP’s own selfish interests. Nowhere has she said that he’s a nightmare or that this is best for him, but let’s put her OP into context shall we? For the people who think that aspiring to be a Disney parent is something to be proud of.

I’ve been the main parent for most of DS life but he’s now moving to secondary school and to stay at his dads very soon and I am feeling relieved that I don’t have to do the heavy day-to-day parenting stuff. I can now put my career first and do whatever I want to do whether it be travel, stay out all night, not cook dinner and just lay about uninterrupted. Of course I’ll miss him, but I’m happy being a weekend parent some phone calls during the week and time during the holidays - the setup fathers typically have when they aren’t with the mother.

It’s all me me me me me. Not one line in that OP about what is in the best interests of the child. In fact she’s proud of the fact she’s going to be like all the deadbeat fathers out there who are proud of the lack of time they spend with their children.

I hope she’s going to be paying decent maintenance.

Exactly

Tipeetommeey · 21/08/2025 17:14

crumblingschools · 21/08/2025 10:30

I think some people are finding the fact that OP is looking forward to her son not being there for large parts of time, is the bit they are struggling with. If a dad was saying, yay I don't have to parent anymore I can just do the fun stuff, everyone would be calling him a Disney dad. What is happening for the boy obviously fits in with what he wants and the right school for him, so wouldn’t criticise that and I wouldn’t want OP to be prostrate on the floor sobbing every time her son went back to his dad’s, but I think there is more of a middle ground.

The boy is only 11. We are an empty nest household and I have found it a challenge to adapt to our new way of life. Can’t imagine having to do that when DC were 11. And living that distance away will likely mean OP will see less and less of him when he hits the teen years and gravitates more to his mates. Many dads find they see their DC very little the older they get. And in fact on MN it is often viewed as strange if older DC maintain the EOW or whatever arrangement was in place when they were younger to see their dad.

Absolutely correct. 11 year olds don’t get to make those decisions. OP has allowed it and not moved closer because she can’t be bothered to parent and wants to do her own thing

MadisonMarieParksValetta · 21/08/2025 17:17

Nah I'd be gutted if I didn't get to see my son every day. Also I want to make sure he is doing homework etc and wouldn't trust anyone else to be there and look out for him like I can.

I'm judging sorry but this is mental to me.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 21/08/2025 17:21

Did his Dad see him at weekends?
It wouldn't be something to I'd be looking forward it, I'd have to accept it.
It's part of being a child in a two household family.
DD's friend lives 50/50 both parents love it, she hates it, moving every week.

Wisenotboring · 21/08/2025 17:22

I can't really relate at all.i..afraid. I realise.that men do this every day. Im divorced and if either of my children went to live with him after so many years I would be absolutely devastated. Being a parent is going through the tough, boring stuff as much as the fun stuff. The teenage years are incredibly hard and I would be very careful thay he doesn't pick up on the vibe that you're done and feel you've done your dues.

KilkennyCats · 21/08/2025 17:56

JoyDivision79 · 21/08/2025 12:53

My opinion. Thanks.

Show quote history

Good Lord! That’s it then, the gospel according to JoyDivision79!
And I thought you were going to quite some scholarly research 😂

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 21/08/2025 19:31

JoyDivision79 · 21/08/2025 12:57

@AnyoneWhoHasAHeart I referenced that we all come.at this with our own experience and bias.

Can I ask what happened to you to make you write that? Very full of emotion that says this isn't about OPs situation.at all.

Who cares if she is making the most of this? She hasn't quite driven him to boot camp in Korea. Let's not lose sight of this situation.

Actually, given I quoted the OP word for word I think you’ll find this is exactly her situation.

Let’s face it. The OP doesn’t want to be a parent. I mean she’s posted twice so this is clearly nothing more than a goadie post anyway, but in the event this is how she feels then she shouldn’t be surprised when her son has less and less to do with her. going forward.

And a woman who says she essentially can’t wait to not have to parent her child and be content with a few phone calls and every other weekend, it’s hardly srprising that he wants to live with his dad is it?

Richtea1234 · 21/08/2025 19:52

Does your ex have a DP/DW? Kids?

Mom guilt is not a badge of honour, it is a societal construct to get women to do free labour for 18 years. Drop it.
Time for his dad to step up and do some of the heavy lifting.
Put your new schedule in place (courses, book holidays, hobbies) ASAP before your ex and your ds start coming back to you because they can’t cope.
Embrace this fantastic opportunity 💚

ThistleTits · 21/08/2025 20:35

@yellowbuzzybee I find you honesty very refreshing. You've done all the parenting until now. Perhaps it's best for a boy this age to be around his dad more now. You love him enough to let him go and can participate in more valuable time at weekends and holidays.
We all need time to be ourselves and not just being mum . Good on you.

Wildefish · 21/08/2025 20:49

Aspanielstolemysanity · 19/08/2025 22:27

The bit that really jumps out at me is that you say you were nagging him all the time. That makes me feel sad. Did it really matter if his room was messy?

Have you been a parent to a teenage boy? It was never about the room, it was getting out of bed, doing homework, going to bed, turning off the WiFi, eating junk before dinner and not eating dinner etc etc.

RubySquid · 21/08/2025 21:24

Radicalpiloti · 19/08/2025 23:17

I don’t actually think this is ok. You should want to be with your child more than a couple of days a week. They need both parents. I co-parent 50/50 and love my time alone but I couldn’t imagine only seeing them every now and then. Why is it all or nothing between you and your co parent?

I don't see the issue. I had 50/50 with my ex with one of mine. He got to teens and spent more time there ( mainly as his friends were there)
I didn't feel hard done by not seeing him all the time.

And obviously wasn't a weepy mess when he went to uni either

RubySquid · 21/08/2025 21:26

MadisonMarieParksValetta · 21/08/2025 17:17

Nah I'd be gutted if I didn't get to see my son every day. Also I want to make sure he is doing homework etc and wouldn't trust anyone else to be there and look out for him like I can.

I'm judging sorry but this is mental to me.

What you going to do when he leaves for uni/work/girlfriend etc?

RubySquid · 21/08/2025 21:30

Dozer · 20/08/2025 16:16

I judge both mothers and fathers who do little parenting of their DC. Rather than move areas, jobs, prioritise parenting over a new relationship, whatever. So I do judge your ex for the ‘primary years’ and you for the sentiments and intentions expressed in your OP.

Entering secondary school is still young. Teen years can be tough.

It’d be different if DS was about to start sixth form.

Ok so the OP has done 11 years of parenting. Another 11 ( same amount with dad) and the boy will be grown and graduated or moved out

How's that little parenting?

namechangetheworld · 21/08/2025 21:34

I would judge, sorry. You sound selfish and cold, and your excuses for ditching him are weak. It's completely alien to me that you sound more excited about your job or going travelling than spending time with your child.

And yes, I judge men who have this attitude in the same way.