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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DS is moving to live at his dads

131 replies

yellowbuzzybee · 19/08/2025 22:14

I guess my AIBU is that I know that I should be feeling really sad. I’ve been the main parent for most of DS life but he’s now moving to secondary school and to stay at his dads very soon and I am feeling relieved that I don’t have to do the heavy day-to-day parenting stuff. I can now put my career first and do whatever I want to do whether it be travel, stay out all night, not cook dinner and just lay about uninterrupted. Of course I’ll miss him, but I’m happy being a weekend parent some phone calls during the week and time during the holidays - the setup fathers typically have when they aren’t with the mother.

I never thought I felt like I would feel like this, but as he’s got an older I’m actually tired of having to nag him all the time. Do your homework! Tidy your room! Get to school on time! I think now I can just enjoy and appreciate my time with him more and we can do fun stuff together. He is here with me for the next couple of days and already, I’m really appreciating this time with him, but I’m looking forward to being childfree!

AIBU to Feel that way? Would you judge a mum who said this to you? If your DC, dad said he wanted to take the kids full-time, would you consider it?

OP posts:
Netcurtainnelly · 21/08/2025 21:35

Tipeetommeey · 20/08/2025 10:16

I would judge you hugely I am afraid. I was the one who lived with my dad and saw my mum at weekends in the holidays. I still can’t believe she allowed that to happen and she didn’t want me enough to at least have 50/50. My dad was and is an amazing dad. I don’t have too much of a relationship with her now and neither do my kids, and yoh should be prepared for that.

I can’t relate to how you’re feeling. You’ve put yourself first and not your son. To be that’s unforgivable. You should have said no to him or agreed with 50/50. It’s never ever the same if you’re not there for all the times, good and bad. How far is too far for 50/50

The sons wishes are taken into consideration.. She can't stop him.

He's not a baby or toddler anymore.
As soon as parents split up, there's always a possibility it might happen.

Aspanielstolemysanity · 21/08/2025 21:54

Wildefish · 21/08/2025 20:49

Have you been a parent to a teenage boy? It was never about the room, it was getting out of bed, doing homework, going to bed, turning off the WiFi, eating junk before dinner and not eating dinner etc etc.

Show quote history

Yes I have two teenage boys. One now adult daughter. One tween . not bad any of those issues.

Their rooms are messy sometimes but I don't nag them. I offer support with home work but don't nag them. They always come and have dinner. They spend time with us....

I expect the lack of nagging makes them more inclined to spend time with us maybe ...

RubySquid · 21/08/2025 21:55

Aspanielstolemysanity · 21/08/2025 21:54

Yes I have two teenage boys. One now adult daughter. One tween . not bad any of those issues.

Their rooms are messy sometimes but I don't nag them. I offer support with home work but don't nag them. They always come and have dinner. They spend time with us....

I expect the lack of nagging makes them more inclined to spend time with us maybe ...

Edited
Show quote history

Well you are lucky then.

Bunny65 · 21/08/2025 22:52

yellowbuzzybee · 19/08/2025 22:14

I guess my AIBU is that I know that I should be feeling really sad. I’ve been the main parent for most of DS life but he’s now moving to secondary school and to stay at his dads very soon and I am feeling relieved that I don’t have to do the heavy day-to-day parenting stuff. I can now put my career first and do whatever I want to do whether it be travel, stay out all night, not cook dinner and just lay about uninterrupted. Of course I’ll miss him, but I’m happy being a weekend parent some phone calls during the week and time during the holidays - the setup fathers typically have when they aren’t with the mother.

I never thought I felt like I would feel like this, but as he’s got an older I’m actually tired of having to nag him all the time. Do your homework! Tidy your room! Get to school on time! I think now I can just enjoy and appreciate my time with him more and we can do fun stuff together. He is here with me for the next couple of days and already, I’m really appreciating this time with him, but I’m looking forward to being childfree!

AIBU to Feel that way? Would you judge a mum who said this to you? If your DC, dad said he wanted to take the kids full-time, would you consider it?

There's nothing wrong about it at all. The wealthy used to send their kids to boarding schools routinely when they were 6 or 7 and they didn't feel guilty about it. You will still be seeing him loads and he'll probably move back at some point.

Itchyoureye · 29/08/2025 14:30

piscofrisco · 21/08/2025 07:49

I guess people are judged re this as it’s not the norm-it’s just basic gender role stereotypes at play isn’t it? If you are confident in your relationship with him, it works better for everyone and everyone is happy then it’s a win win in my view. You are still seeing him more than your average boarding school parent would see their child. And that wouldn’t be judged as harshly I dont think.
my dd1 is nearly 20 and still lives at home with us. We are about to move an hour away for various pressing reasons. She will probably stay here and move in with her dad as all her friends are here. I’m getting judged by my family and even by her a bit for being ok with this. I apparently should be upset she has ‘chosen him over me’. But he’s her Dad, she’s an adult, it’s the most practical thing for her to do. So I don’t understand the reaction to it! I can only put it down to mum = primary default parent and anything else is wrong in societal eyes.

I can see from her perspective. You are uprooting and moving an hour away just for a child that isn’t yours. It will impact the amount of time you see your own child

TreeDudette · 29/08/2025 14:41

I don't judge you. I divorced when DD was 7 and originally it was 50:50 (or at least that was what exDH said he wanted). It slowly reduced on his end and it is now down to one short outing every few weeks, no overnights and he has no involvement in parenting at all (has been like this since he had a breakdown over a year ago). It's tiring being a solo parent to a nearly 15 year old ASD teen and if she wanted to live with someone else and I could just do the fun bit and not the nagging, laundry, sock buying etc. I'd be delighted to get a break. I think I'd be a more engaged and loving person, able to be excited about her interests etc. if I wasn't tired from being solo.

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