My DS is moving to live at his dads

[yellowbuzzybee]

I guess my AIBU is that I know that I should be feeling really sad. I’ve been the main parent for most of DS life but he’s now moving to secondary school and to stay at his dads very soon and I am feeling relieved that I don’t have to do the heavy day-to-day parenting stuff. I can now put my career first and do whatever I want to do whether it be travel, stay out all night, not cook dinner and just lay about uninterrupted. Of course I’ll miss him, but I’m happy being a weekend parent some phone calls during the week and time during the holidays - the setup fathers typically have when they aren’t with the mother.

I never thought I felt like I would feel like this, but as he’s got an older I’m actually tired of having to nag him all the time. Do your homework! Tidy your room! Get to school on time! I think now I can just enjoy and appreciate my time with him more and we can do fun stuff together. He is here with me for the next couple of days and already, I’m really appreciating this time with him, but I’m looking forward to being childfree!

AIBU to Feel that way? Would you judge a mum who said this to you? If your DC, dad said he wanted to take the kids full-time, would you consider it?

Would he be able to come back with school being far away? Have you done a trial run of him living at his dads and having his dad do all the nagging etc to check he really does want that?

So, my experience is that because the school is so much more tiring, and some of the weekends (in our case, much of Saturday) is taken up by sports/music/hobbies (which also get more demanding as the children get older), that when Sunday comes, my son doesn't really want to go for any adventures (or, really, outside the neighbourhood!).

In our case it suits me just fine, the week is busy with work and school etc, Saturdays can be exhausting too, and I also have a teenage daughter who often wants to do something with me/her dad/both of us on Sunday - go to flea market, shops, cinema, sports game - stuff that my son isn't interested in, or his sister prefers to do without her younger sibling - that I don't mind that my son generally just wants to stay home. But he doesn't want just to be with his family, he also wants to catch up with friends, go to their houses or have them over to ours. There's often a group of 3-4 (or more of them) kicking the ball in our garden, playing computer games, going for walks or to the park or maybe in the summer to the local pool, and that's his favourite way to spend Sunday. So am just wondering how this chill time would work out if I only saw him on weekends and most of his friends are living near his dad's!

Does he have many primary school friends where you live? Would it be a fun day for him to spend in the old house/neighbourhood, where he could both relax? He may want to keep these friendships so maybe that's a way to make these Sundays fun, plus some sort of activity that you can make your own tradition.

(this is all of course based on the observation of my son and his group of friends -not all boys are the same, it's just that so many that I know are like that!)

🤣🤣🤣

Massive projection and really unpleasant suggesting the OP might lose her son.

Why aren't you wishing the same on his dad who's done little so far?

She's put his education first not herself.

Plus she's probably exhausted from years of doing the hard yards herself

OP had raised a child alone who is growing up and independent enough to now want to live with his father but judgy misogynists think she should be utterly miserable about being left alone.

Women with kids are still human.

Enjoy your new found free time OP and pat yourself on the back for getting him as far as you have.

I’m as far from a child obsessed human as there is, but when my daughter went away for 10 days recently o didn’t expect it to hit me like it did.

don’t give up your son

Presumably they went to Uni as a young adult, like their peers?
Not at eleven years old.

She's not sending him off to fight warlords in a third world country 🙄. He's at his dad's, safe with frequent contact. It's what his son wanted to do. She doesn't own him and he's not a baby

It’s not a massive projection in the slightest. Whilst the arrangement may work well she needs to understand and be prepared for the possible longer term consequences. And since I seem to be the only person in this thread who has been the child in the situation and have spent a lot of time with others similarly I think my point is valid and should be taken seriously and not just patting the op on the back and telling her it’s fine. It may well be, hopefully it will be but you can’t be a Disney mum and then be surprised if it impacts on your relationship with your child in the long term

I judge dads who have very little involvement with their DC, so feel the same towards mums too. How much of the holidays will you have? Are you going to be paying maintenance? One thing to be wary of, as many dads find, as DC get older they tend to want to hang around the area where their friends are or where their hobbies/clubs are. So if you live a reasonable distance away your weekends with your son will reduce as he will want to stay at dads to be closer to his friends

Feelings aren't unreasonable. It's not like you've abandoned him.

No judgement here, I think you sound happy, dad is happy and DS has made a choice. And the time you spend with him will be quality time. But then I’m the mum that charges my DS rent, (shocker) makes then get jobs and asks them when are they moving out. (21&18)

I guess people are judged re this as it’s not the norm-it’s just basic gender role stereotypes at play isn’t it? If you are confident in your relationship with him, it works better for everyone and everyone is happy then it’s a win win in my view. You are still seeing him more than your average boarding school parent would see their child. And that wouldn’t be judged as harshly I dont think.
my dd1 is nearly 20 and still lives at home with us. We are about to move an hour away for various pressing reasons. She will probably stay here and move in with her dad as all her friends are here. I’m getting judged by my family and even by her a bit for being ok with this. I apparently should be upset she has ‘chosen him over me’. But he’s her Dad, she’s an adult, it’s the most practical thing for her to do. So I don’t understand the reaction to it! I can only put it down to mum = primary default parent and anything else is wrong in societal eyes.

Would you really?

I feel this too OP.

Posters are commenting from personal experience. Some will comment on you in the luxury of having a supportive partner co parenting in the home, with a less challenging child with whom they have less struggles.

So no one here can adequately tell you whether it's right.

From all you've said, I think this is a very good thing. I have the sense your teenager is at risk of being very demanding of you in a way that is to your absolute detriment. If you have to work, manage a home and have no support, that's not ok and it's no example for him to live and watch.

I have the same arrangement as you. I had to force it. I was in and out of hospital non stop with multiple chronic illnesses. The move happened at starting secondary level. There are many positives that I see in this. The adjustment is ok but I am judged even though I had almost died from my health problems. I feel the judgement from a friend of mine, my ex when things are difficult, and I'm sure there's many others .

I have to try ignore it and put me first. I'm showing what it looks like to put yourself first when you desperately must.

I try drive to see in the week and do little things for an hour when I'm physically able to as well as any wknd time with me. There's facetime, there's Comms, there's so much now. He needs to know you're fully available and accessible and he'll be absolutely fine.

Each to their own and as long as he’s happy. Personally my heart would break.

I moved to my dad's as soon as I could d as did my brothers. Then we made friends there and the older we got the less we seen or stayed with my mum, so I'd just be prepared that this may happen as he ages. He's not going to want to miss out on hanging about with friends at the weekends to go to his mums. I'd have personally moved to be closer.

This is what I have found in my situation. I have ended up driving there as much as possible to have a little catch up ( watch an activity, go for a snack).

It can be difficult but you're showing interest and availability. Which of course I too want.

Mostly though, knowing your child is happy to choose one thing over you is sometimes a relief. It means they're ok, they're enjoying other things and are ok knowing you're there in the background.

It's never ideal in split homes ever. I don't personally agree that 50/50 is in best interests of child. That's for the parents.

Can you not move closer to his preferred school?

That's not fair. You are projecting your own experience onto OP. She says he actively wanted to live with his dad. How is this wrong? His dad wants him too and it's understandable that a boy approaching adolescence might benefit from having a father more present as he learns how to become a man. he also specifically wanted to go to a particular school near his father's house. He will see his mum every weekend. She will be refreshed and keen to spend time with him. Sounds okay to me, if - and this is the most important thing - it's what the child wants and needs and both parents are able to meet those needs happily.

in afraid I can’t agree and stroke her ego. I don’t think anyone can convince themselves that being a non resident parent not living close to their child is good for either her or the son. None of this takes away from the fact that his dad may well be a fantastic father but a mum not local and not up the road is not going to be a close and hands on mum. Sorry it’s just true. I say the same about dads. The good divorced dads are the ones who live close to their kids and are involved in their every day lives, who are at all the matches and take their turn looking after kids and where the kids as they get older can pop in and out of both houses. They are not the ones who waltz in from 10 miles away every other weekend

But she hasn;t left. If she'd left, so she could concentrate on her career, or because she needed 'time to herself' or any of the bullshit that utterly feckless responsibility-avoidant parents (usually fathers) trot out, I'd have a different opinion. What she is doing is agreeing to something her son wants, which is his home and school preference during the week to be with a parent who loves hi - his dad and at weekends with another parent who loves him, his mum. I think as a society we should strongly encourage fathers to be hands on - so many of them sidle away from this responsibility, even though women now have full time jobs. Bit tough if we then chastise a woman who allows this to happen.

I agree with this entirely. Although I will have bias based on my own experience.

With so many fathers, if they aren't forced to be involved like this, they do easily drift. Even if they love their child and proclaim their love and even get name tattoos and all that performative stuff. It has to be accommodated. I've noticed this myself. There's more time together, more connection there. So desperately needed by male adolescence.

Trotting off in a state of ' well it's all under control at mums' is exactly what often occurs. If he's a good dad and wants him there this is good.

I think some people are finding the fact that OP is looking forward to her son not being there for large parts of time, is the bit they are struggling with. If a dad was saying, yay I don't have to parent anymore I can just do the fun stuff, everyone would be calling him a Disney dad. What is happening for the boy obviously fits in with what he wants and the right school for him, so wouldn’t criticise that and I wouldn’t want OP to be prostrate on the floor sobbing every time her son went back to his dad’s, but I think there is more of a middle ground.

The boy is only 11. We are an empty nest household and I have found it a challenge to adapt to our new way of life. Can’t imagine having to do that when DC were 11. And living that distance away will likely mean OP will see less and less of him when he hits the teen years and gravitates more to his mates. Many dads find they see their DC very little the older they get. And in fact on MN it is often viewed as strange if older DC maintain the EOW or whatever arrangement was in place when they were younger to see their dad.

@crumblingschools id like women to be able to be more honest. I love my son dearly and cried a lot at having to hand over. Yet, I now say, hang on a minute, I'm doing things I never thought I could. Elements of my sickness have slightly changed. I am enjoying that. I am enjoying things that have been allowed because I'm not sucked dry.

Yes I know these words are brutal. But that's why we use MN. We hope it stays anonymous. We get very true real feelings out. That's healthy.

Not all people cry into their pillow when their kids leave. Some think, phew, love you but I'm exhausted here. We don't want to say this to our kids. It's rejecting. MN is allowing true feelings and a lot of people will feel this way.

It depends so much on the challenges, the dynamics, resources available as to how one feels about this type of situation.

The son is 11 years old- an age where they don’t get to make such big decisions. As a parent I would expect her to move closer to her child so they can parent 50:50. It’s irrelevant if the dad was a weekend parent. If the OP has not built a bond with her child because he is constantly on his phone or gaming- that’s her fault. Actually, with the kind of attitude OP has towards her child, it’s better he lives with a parent who wants him.