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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My DS is moving to live at his dads

131 replies

yellowbuzzybee · 19/08/2025 22:14

I guess my AIBU is that I know that I should be feeling really sad. I’ve been the main parent for most of DS life but he’s now moving to secondary school and to stay at his dads very soon and I am feeling relieved that I don’t have to do the heavy day-to-day parenting stuff. I can now put my career first and do whatever I want to do whether it be travel, stay out all night, not cook dinner and just lay about uninterrupted. Of course I’ll miss him, but I’m happy being a weekend parent some phone calls during the week and time during the holidays - the setup fathers typically have when they aren’t with the mother.

I never thought I felt like I would feel like this, but as he’s got an older I’m actually tired of having to nag him all the time. Do your homework! Tidy your room! Get to school on time! I think now I can just enjoy and appreciate my time with him more and we can do fun stuff together. He is here with me for the next couple of days and already, I’m really appreciating this time with him, but I’m looking forward to being childfree!

AIBU to Feel that way? Would you judge a mum who said this to you? If your DC, dad said he wanted to take the kids full-time, would you consider it?

OP posts:
MachineBee · 20/08/2025 14:16

OP - this has clearly been thought through carefully for what your DS wants and needs. Enjoy the benefits this change brings for you.

When kids start secondary school the homework significantly increases and the work at school gets tougher. Being the weekday parent is hard. When I split from my DCs father they were 17 and 15 and I had to fight to have them for sometime at weekends so that I could do fun stuff that wasn’t possible during the week.

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 20/08/2025 14:16

this is a reverse right?

AIBU to Feel that way? Would you judge a mum who said this to you? If your DC, dad said he wanted to take the kids full-time, would you consider it? I judge anyone who has the attitude that they can spend their time thinking about only themselves, are happy to be a part-time Disney parent, and are glad to be rid of their child. I don’t care whether it’s a man or a woman, it’s shit parenting.

One thing to need. Break from the kids sometimes. It’s quite another to be glad to be rid of them permanently and be happy to a be just a Disney parent doing the fun things.

saladandchipp · 20/08/2025 15:00

The other thing that I have noticed parenting teens is that actually I find it somewhat easier than the primary years.

id be pissed off to have done all the care and drudge that comes with younger children to then have another parent pick up when things are nicer and easier.

I have a life back now mine are teens so can run/gym etc and they can help out, pitch in with life chores too.

this is based on my personal experience. The hardest part was done by secondary school.

I mean the day to day stuff. Not the emotional/drama stuff that you’d know about anyway as a weekend parent.

good luck to you all 🙂

antipodeansun · 20/08/2025 15:16

I don't know. I was never a single parent but I have a 12 year old son and for all his gaming and friends and messiness we are still so close and talk so much. I cannot even say that we do something special it is just every day closeness, chatting about everything, helping with schoolwork, normal things. I would absolutely hate to see him on weekends only, it is hard to imagine making a decision like yours.

cloudtreecarpet · 20/08/2025 15:27

antipodeansun · 20/08/2025 15:16

I don't know. I was never a single parent but I have a 12 year old son and for all his gaming and friends and messiness we are still so close and talk so much. I cannot even say that we do something special it is just every day closeness, chatting about everything, helping with schoolwork, normal things. I would absolutely hate to see him on weekends only, it is hard to imagine making a decision like yours.

I agree, a lot goes on in the secondary years & beyond.
You get your freedom back because they are more independent but in many ways they need you more - school, friendships, first relationships, exams, college, university/jobs etc etc

Tipeetommeey · 20/08/2025 15:29

KilkennyCats · 20/08/2025 13:58

So you could in fact move and do 50:50 parenting, but it suits you not to?

Show quote history

See this is what I have an issue with. She’s not ready, well I’m sorry that’s not a good mother. OP that’s fine now but honestly, it’s not now that’s the issue it’s the future. Go ahead but don’t be remotely suprised in the long term if it doesn’t pan out how you want. You’ve made the decision not to move closer and to just do the fun stuff. Short term great, but how will you feel when he’s 14/15/16 and can’t be bothered to come and see you as his social life is near his dads and he wants to see his friends. Hanging out with his Disney mum isn’t going to cut it. Read the single parents forum, too many kids not wanting to see the other parent once they’re teens because it’s too much hassle and they want to be close to their friends. You have to be prepared for this. May work out fine I get you are letting him live with his dad because he says he wants to. But not to move closer and put your child first by going for 50/50 or at the very least being up the road because you can’t be bothered to nag him and parent him. Sorry I think it’s disgusting

RogerR4bbit · 20/08/2025 15:33

If your DS is 11 and you’ve been the main parent for most of his life, then he could live with his DF (as you plan) until he’s 18 and you will STILL have done more parenting than the dad (11yrs Vs 7).

You’ve done the difficult, career limiting years when you have to do school pick up and drop offs and hire a babysitter/organise child care for all other times. The likelihood is that the DS will do a couple of years of afterschool club, while Dad works normal hours and then several years of getting himself to and from school and coming home to an empty house while Dad works.

I’m not saying this set up is ideal, or what I would want, but Dad (presumably) didn’t want 50/50 during the hands-on, school run, childcare years, but now wants to build a relationship with his son as he’s older and doesn’t impact Dad’s career in the same way.

Why shouldn’t the OP get a bit of a break after over a decade of single-parenting? It’s about time that Dad stood up to the parenting role and got more involved.

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 20/08/2025 15:55

As it sounds like all three of you are in agreement plus it makes sense about schooling then go for it. I hope it works out well for you all.

Pogoda · 20/08/2025 15:57

I'd say you have done the work, now you deserve your rest.
Boys 11+ need their dad more than their mom. They need a male role model that would help them to become a man.
Enjoy your life...

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 20/08/2025 16:11

I wouldn't judge at all. You have done all the heavy lifting thus far. He is going to a school he wants to attend and living with his father full time is the only way to currently facilitate it. There is still the option for you to relocate in due course and move to a 50:50 arrangement.
Will you see him EOW and while it's too far for him to commute to school, is it close enough to see him mid week if you want to support him in a school match, collect him from an activity or take him out for pizza?

Dozer · 20/08/2025 16:16

I judge both mothers and fathers who do little parenting of their DC. Rather than move areas, jobs, prioritise parenting over a new relationship, whatever. So I do judge your ex for the ‘primary years’ and you for the sentiments and intentions expressed in your OP.

Entering secondary school is still young. Teen years can be tough.

It’d be different if DS was about to start sixth form.

InMyShowgirlEra · 20/08/2025 16:23

I think it's refreshing. It's in DS's best interests, he's safe with his Dad, and you're looking at it from a positive angle. You're still maintaining a positive relationship with DS and his Dad will get the opportunity to bond more with him.

I think your approach is very sensible.

XelaM · 20/08/2025 16:33

I've been a single parent for many years now and always fantasise about all the freedom I will have when my daughter is abroad with my parents over the summer holidays, but the reality is I always really miss her when she's away and actually don't end up doing anything special for myself when the novelty of my freedom wears off after a few days. 🤷‍♀️

legoplaybook · 20/08/2025 16:35

If you'd posted that you were having your DS Mon-Fri and he was going to his dad every weekend, you'd have people telling you that it wasn't fair to his dad that you had every weekend free and he never had a weekend without childcare.

ponyprincess · 20/08/2025 16:38

Driftingawaynow · 19/08/2025 23:00

Doesn’t sound like you are massively bonded to him tbh which isn’t ideal is it… hope it works out for you all and that’s not the case

That's a little harsh! Sounds like the OP cares a lot, and just is trying to see the positive in this transition

If it everyone agrees, why not have this arrangement?

Original poster
yellowbuzzybee · 20/08/2025 17:02

So initially I wanted to have him during the week as well and I was quite insistent but when I took a step back and just thought of the logistics of him having to cut his stuff along across two households make sure he’s done his homework make sure he remembers all his bits and pieces, I don’t think it’s in his best interest. I am hoping to come and see him and take him out during the week for dinner or something.

This is what my son wanted so it’s not about me wanting to be a lazy parent now although that is the silver lining in order of this! If he does want to come back, of course, there’s a space for him here!

So only a few judgy people! Once people tend to hear the ins and outs of the situation, they do understand why I have agreed to this. I don’t want my son to ever turn around and say that I stopped him. So we will just have to see how it goes!

OP posts:
AgnesX · 20/08/2025 17:08

Has he actually gone yet? You might find that there's a big gap/ empty space that you weren't expecting!

You don't spend umpteen years of your life with someone not to miss them, at least a little bit for a while anyway.

Netcurtainnelly · 20/08/2025 17:21

yellowbuzzybee · 19/08/2025 22:14

I guess my AIBU is that I know that I should be feeling really sad. I’ve been the main parent for most of DS life but he’s now moving to secondary school and to stay at his dads very soon and I am feeling relieved that I don’t have to do the heavy day-to-day parenting stuff. I can now put my career first and do whatever I want to do whether it be travel, stay out all night, not cook dinner and just lay about uninterrupted. Of course I’ll miss him, but I’m happy being a weekend parent some phone calls during the week and time during the holidays - the setup fathers typically have when they aren’t with the mother.

I never thought I felt like I would feel like this, but as he’s got an older I’m actually tired of having to nag him all the time. Do your homework! Tidy your room! Get to school on time! I think now I can just enjoy and appreciate my time with him more and we can do fun stuff together. He is here with me for the next couple of days and already, I’m really appreciating this time with him, but I’m looking forward to being childfree!

AIBU to Feel that way? Would you judge a mum who said this to you? If your DC, dad said he wanted to take the kids full-time, would you consider it?

One thing you might have overlooked is once he builds a new life he not want to come back at weekends.

If you don't get on with your ex he may

try to influence your son against you.

femfemlicious · 20/08/2025 17:24

Zanatdy · 19/08/2025 22:30

I hear you. I’ve been a single parent for years and whilst mine haven’t gone to live with their dad, I totally hear you on the role reversal. Just don’t be surprised if he wants to come home!

I would really love to be a Disney mum too. Alas never going to happen 😕.

ConstitutionHill · 20/08/2025 17:29

I expect as soon as you have really got into your stride and enjoying doing your own thing, he will want to come back.

femfemlicious · 20/08/2025 17:30

Overwhelmedandunderfed · 20/08/2025 11:31

Whoop whoop 💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻 I unashamedly congratulate you on this. I have taken a long time to admit that I also am fed up of doing the heavy lifting. I am chuffed to bits for you, it sounds perfect, You and your son haven’t fallen out, the door is open if he should want to come back etc (brace yourself, he’ll likely want to when his Dad realises how hard it actually is) but you deserve to focus on your career, you deserve to focus on your fitness and mental health like Dads seem to get to do even when in a relationship with children because we do everything for them.

Party time! Nothing wrong with what you’re doing IMO as long as everyone is happy with the arrangement.

Edited

Yup, dad's get to focus on themselves and career whole mum carries the load. My exact situation

cc99xo · 20/08/2025 17:34

I would be very upset but YANBU to have your own feelings on your situation. If everyone is happy then there’s no harm ☺️

cloudtreecarpet · 20/08/2025 17:36

yellowbuzzybee · 20/08/2025 17:02

So initially I wanted to have him during the week as well and I was quite insistent but when I took a step back and just thought of the logistics of him having to cut his stuff along across two households make sure he’s done his homework make sure he remembers all his bits and pieces, I don’t think it’s in his best interest. I am hoping to come and see him and take him out during the week for dinner or something.

This is what my son wanted so it’s not about me wanting to be a lazy parent now although that is the silver lining in order of this! If he does want to come back, of course, there’s a space for him here!

So only a few judgy people! Once people tend to hear the ins and outs of the situation, they do understand why I have agreed to this. I don’t want my son to ever turn around and say that I stopped him. So we will just have to see how it goes!

My previous post presented a bit of a depressing view of not being the resident parent & I apologise for that.
You are following your son's wishes which is brave of you & you are obviously looking for the positive in the situation.

i referenced my ExH doing the same thing but the crucial difference is HE chose that, not the kids.

My advice though from watching my kids & their dad would be to not prioritise a new partner/dating straight away (should you be planning to start dating with your new found freedom), always stick to the arrangements you have made with your child even if he is flaky his end & constantly let him know he is still the top priority in your life even though you don't see him every day. Keep interested in his life, his new friends, what he's doing, text regularly.

And be prepared for him to start ditching you at weekends as he gets older and starts having an independent social life. It will happen but don't take it to heart.
x

Joeylove88 · 20/08/2025 18:38

I dont think you are doing anything wrong it does sound like this decision has been thought through and its not set in stone so if he wants to come home to you he can at any point and there will still be opportunities for you to see him in the week spend evenings go for some food together etc so its not as if you are point blank not seeing him in the week or not there to support him! And you can plan lots of lovely things for the weekend with him. I dont see how this is a bad thing especially because it was your son wanting to live with his dad you haven't forced this on him! And bonus you will get some you time.

Mumteedum · 20/08/2025 18:47

So if he did want to come back, it would still be possible with his school? Fair play and good luck to you all.