My DS is moving to live at his dads

[yellowbuzzybee]

I guess my AIBU is that I know that I should be feeling really sad. I’ve been the main parent for most of DS life but he’s now moving to secondary school and to stay at his dads very soon and I am feeling relieved that I don’t have to do the heavy day-to-day parenting stuff. I can now put my career first and do whatever I want to do whether it be travel, stay out all night, not cook dinner and just lay about uninterrupted. Of course I’ll miss him, but I’m happy being a weekend parent some phone calls during the week and time during the holidays - the setup fathers typically have when they aren’t with the mother.

I never thought I felt like I would feel like this, but as he’s got an older I’m actually tired of having to nag him all the time. Do your homework! Tidy your room! Get to school on time! I think now I can just enjoy and appreciate my time with him more and we can do fun stuff together. He is here with me for the next couple of days and already, I’m really appreciating this time with him, but I’m looking forward to being childfree!

AIBU to Feel that way? Would you judge a mum who said this to you? If your DC, dad said he wanted to take the kids full-time, would you consider it?

As long as everyone gets what they need and everyone is genuinely happy with the arrangement. Then no judgeMent. You feel how you feel. I don’t see how the situation would be any better if you spent every night , crying into your pillow , bereft.

YANBU and I think your outlook is very healthy.

I would be surprised I think .The thing is its an unusual situation, as most men seem to be too keen to offload on Mum in the event of a split.I think you may miss him though perhaps more than you think.

Whoop whoop 💃🏻💃🏻💃🏻 I unashamedly congratulate you on this. I have taken a long time to admit that I also am fed up of doing the heavy lifting. I am chuffed to bits for you, it sounds perfect, You and your son haven’t fallen out, the door is open if he should want to come back etc (brace yourself, he’ll likely want to when his Dad realises how hard it actually is) but you deserve to focus on your career, you deserve to focus on your fitness and mental health like Dads seem to get to do even when in a relationship with children because we do everything for them.

Party time! Nothing wrong with what you’re doing IMO as long as everyone is happy with the arrangement.

It sounds like this has been years in the making rather than a sudden angry estrangement so it's not surprising that, having had to get use to the idea, you are able to consider the advantages. I suspect you will have a honeymoon period and then a long period of missing him before you settle into a comfortable rhythm with the new arrangement.

I wouldn't feel bad, you have dedicated yourself to being the primary parent for 11 years it's not unreasonable for his father to step up or for your son to want a close relationship with his dad. The fact that he feels confident to do this suggests he feels very secure about your love for him.

Enjoy your child free time.

I have parented alone and i mean completely alone all my kids lives so clearly different as in I would be shocked if their father even wanted them overnight let alone for 5 nights a week but even if he was around I think I would be sad and feel like a failure somehow but I guess as I do not know any different it could be the reason why.

As a parent of older “children” I do understand the peace that descends when they’re not there (at uni, or living with gf in my case) and you aren’t constantly cleaning up toast crumbs/asking them to tidy up a bit/finding the fridge empty. But I miss them terribly. I also have a little one with whose other parent we do 50/50 shared care. What I can say from my experience of raising 2 to early adulthood is that the teenage years can feel like an endless battle of wills but “childhood” passes all too quickly and when they’re gone, it really is the end of an era, time you can never get back. When DS moved to live with his gf and her family a few months ago, I was overwhelmed by the sadness of feeling I will never share a home with him again. I still feel like that.

In your shoes I would push for more contact than weekends and fun time. In the blink of an eye he’ll be grown and gone.

Same old shit from some of you. It’s fine for Dads to do weekends and holidays but not Mums. Ignore them, they’re the ones that make being a parent their whole personality. He’ll be back within 2 years anyway when his Dad loses his shit at how lazy, messy and noisy teenagers are 😂 I’m glad you’ve got the guts to say you feel relieved, it’s massively helpful to hear some people feel the same as me. Thank you.

I’d judge you but only silently so it doesn’t matter does it?

he’s a little boy of 11. And you’re happy to ship him off so you can lie in bed and not have to parent. Seems odd to me but you did ask!

I think you’ll probably feel sadder than you expect when it really happens, but there’s no judgement here for feeling relieved, I think most people would happily have a bit more distance during the teen years!

I am feeling a bit judgemental, exactly the same as I feel towards fathers who seem content to see their children so little.

I started off seeing my dad at the weekend, then every other weekend, then I decided I'd rather stay with my grandparents as he didn't seem bothered and had a new family. Now I go years without seeing him and barely speak to him.

My own children's father has never been involved, so I've never had a break for them, and, yes, the drudgery that comes with parenting. I'd love a break, but I'd be so sad to see them so infrequently.

On the other hand, I'd probably judge you more if you blocked your son from moving in with his dad, thus preventing him from attending his desired secondary school. So you can't win tbh!

And I guess it's fair. It is like 50/50 parenting, just in blocks of years instead. DS has been primarily with you, and now he'll be with his dad.

You might even find you miss him more than you think you will, and when the novelty of all the free time has worn off, you might feel differently.

On one hand, I think you're doing the right thing and don't blame you, because it's what your son wants and appears to be in his best interest. I think it would be very rare for a mother to agree to this and genuinely put her son first. (I know a parent who has done the exact opposite and would not even discuss the possibility with the Dad even though he's a brilliant Dad and the school opportunities and social opportunities massively out weighed those in her area. She would not consider moving either despite having no ties to her area(.

On the other hand, do you have a Plan B if your son is not able to cope with the change?

IME the move to secondary school is huge and hard on kids. This is a massive change on top of a massive change.

Hope it goes well for you all though.

When I read your post I assumed you were talking about a 15/16 year old who was going to college. But if he is 10 or 11, tbh I think it's all a bit sad - he's just a little boy, surely he isn't at an age where all he wants to do is game and be on his phone??

You think that wanting to see your 11yr old more than ‘weekends’ makes you the type of person who makes kids their whole personality? I’d say it makes you a normal parent.

I wouldn't judge at all, do whatever is best for your child.

If you do 2 or 3 nights over the weekend and half the school holidays it's probably 40/60 rather than 50/50 so barely makes a difference.

If you were male, everyone would be telling you what an amazing parent you are!

Looking at it another way you’ll spend roughly 720 days with your child before they’re an adult. Feels sad.

Also, why can you not prioritise your health etc with a teen child. You can surely leave him alone to go for a run or to the gym. He can cook his own dinner occasionally if you can’t be bothered etc. Parenting a secondary school child isn’t like when they’re tiny

hey OP. just chipping in here with experience. my boys 15 & 17, live full time with their dad. i see them two evenings a week and every other weekend. we agreed this arrangement 2 years ago when we separated. it works incredibly well. people will judge and i’m ok with that. every divorce / separation / child arrangement looks different. the most important point is the children are happy and settled. for us, it just absolutely works. consistency in my contact with them has been key i think - i ring when i say i’ll ring, i’m always on time to see them, pick them up etc, and i never cancel seeing them. Wishing you lots of luck OP x x

Sorry? Wtf why do people have kids if they are not ready to make them a priority?? That being said, OP's son is in secondary so I don't know what kind of "sacrifices" that would demand to have him at her home.

@yellowbuzzybee I think it's neither here nor there whether you're tired of parenting and that you would cherish your "freedom". The important thing is: What is best for your child? That isn't always what you/he or anybody else wants.

Is the dad responsible and loving? Eg. Will he make sure that your son's emotional, physical and social needs are being met? Do they have good relationship? One would assume yes if your son wants to move in with him. Will he make sure your son gets up in the morning/does his homework/ goes to bed at night?

If you are absolutely sure that he will have a good stable home at his dad's near school and he wants to live with him then surely that's a good decision for him to do so. Whether you feel sad/happy/relieved/anxious is secondary because we're talking about what's best for your son. So I hereby give you the permission to feel relieved and happy 😉 .

I support women in male dominated fields xx

In all seriousness, as someone who was unwanted as a kid, its hard to hear, and people might have had the same and feel the same.

But I can understand - if he is happy with the set up then so should you be. Men have enjoyed such a set up for years

Not dissimilar to a mum looking forward to working after mat leave really

So you could in fact move and do 50:50 parenting, but it suits you not to?

Zero judgement here and I was in your sons situation at the same age.
My mother was just that bit less material and after she she moved out our relationship improved massively, we had holidays and fun.
The only icky thing about it was the shock and horror from other people that a mother would move out, because god forbid people live differently or approach parenthood differently to them.

I don't judge you any more than I judge any parent who skips the slog and just does the fun bits. Not any sort of gendered judgement though - am judging your ex the same way for spending the last however many years doing this in reverse.

Personally I'd move closer and be a part of the day-to-day, even if his primary residence is with his dad (presumably you pay him maintenance right?). It doesn't sound like you'd be moving countries or anything so it should be an option to at least get closer.

You do sound an awful lot like someone parenting a teenager but your son is only young and if you opt out of his life now, it will be really hard to opt in later on

I moved from my mom's house to my dad's when I was 18 and she was not at all sorry to see me go - she'd had a few years of single parenting when my parents split up and I was a nightmare so she waved me off in delight. But I was a (technical) adult and there was a lot of history there. I can't imagine doing this years earlier.

Your son is loved by two parents who want him. His school/Dad arrangements are fine as long as everyone is happy and there is no judgement from me because there is nothing to judge.

She’s gone with what her son wants. How is that putting herself first? Her son wants to live at his dad’s and is old enough to make that decision. Saying no to him will breed resentment. She’s being a good mum, considering her DS’s needs and wants