Would you end your relationship over this?

[FeatherBower]

I am a mum of 3 boys, 2 of which are my partner of 21 years, my eldest was 3 when we got together. My partner hasn't been the best but ive tried to work through all his flaws over the last 21 years and some are things you can't ignore but ive worked hard, ive had to start therapy for those byt anyway... 1 thing that sticks out is, every time I have a difficult life challenge he completely disengaged from me and either turns on me, picks a fight or finds a way to ignore me till the crisis is over...zero support. Not emotionally, not physically, not mentally...nothing....ZERO. Some examples of crisis are my Dad passing, my 2 brothers passing, my pregnancies, the loss of a pregnancy, my eldest son (not his) relapsing from schizophrenia and me having to get him hospitalised etc, ive done it all alone every single time....now what's the final nail in the coffin? Or feels like it should be... ive had years of issues with my repoductives and tomorrow im having a hysterectomy as no other medical intervention has helped, its been years of hell, ive vocalised how scared I am and he's known for months about it. He kept saying not to worry he will be with me the whole time, he will be there, take me to the hospital etc etc....only last week he turned and said with no emotion..."so how are you getting to the hospital next week for your op?".....I chose not to react, not to beg for his support and I just said BUS. He then said 'yea because I see no point in me having to go all the way there to come all the way back...BUT IF YOU want me there I'll come" I already knew i was in this alone. Its a 10 minute drive but Again I didn't want to give him the reaction he needed to start a fight so he could excuse himself anyway. I didn't want to point out he promised to be there, to drive me there, to be there when I wake up...I cant drive myself as I won't be allowed to drive home and that will cost a bomb to leave the car for 3 weeks in the hospital or close by. I am beyond annoyed. I am honestly considering ending it all. The last time we argued about lack of support he mentioned that when my eldest was sectioned his support was looking after our sons (17 and 9) for me so I could help my 'precious' son....that in itself was an insult because he can happily ask my eldest to watch his brother so we can go for a meal when he wants some of the other......be honest, be brutal....what would you feel or do if you was in this crap situation?

Oh Op, he doesn't even like you.

I hope that the operation goes well tomorrow. I'd use the time that you will need to rest and recover thinking about your next steps.

I was (well there was more but his lack of care was one major issue) and I left. Best thing I ever did.

The protesting of love but the actions of anything but love! I hear you!

Yes, I would. Relationships have their difficult spells and sometimes need work but generally they need to improve your life. It’s difficult to see how this relationship makes your life better; from what you say, it makes it demonstrably worse.

Actions speak louder than words don’t they? Wow he is the embodiment of that saying. I’m so sorry. I wish you speedy healing but I also think that you will recover better without this man who doesn’t appear to enhance your life in any way at all.

So sorry OP. My DH is emotionally incompetent, but he'd absolutely drive me to an operation where I'd be going under general and be there when I woke up. He's been utterly crap at supporting me through illness and grief, so I lean on my friends for that (but do get upset). Disengage is a good word you used. I think he doesn't know how to be empathetic.

Some of your other reflections are telling, re sarcasm and tone when talking about your eldest son.

Sounds like you've got an awful lot on. Be kind to yourself and good luck tomorrow - I'll be thinking of you x

That’s despicable. Could a friend take you? Taxi? Yes I would end it, no way to live- literally you are on your own anyway, nothing to lose and everything to gain.

How will you manage afterwards if he’s such a prick?

I’d be gone soon as you’re able too. He’s not your partner he’s selfish. How could anyone allow their partner get a bus to an operation!!!! That’s fucking mind blowing!!! My partner of just over a year is a long haul truck driver works away Monday - Friday and doesn’t get paid for taking days off or sickness just holidays. I had a cancer scare in December he came all the way 9 hours to come to an appointment. My papa was battling cancer when we met and sadly 3 months later he died he was going to come to the funeral I said don’t be daft. I had a miscarriage in May, nobody even knew I was pregnant except him and a friend. It happened 2 days before my other grandads 80th birthday. Now my other half isn’t always guaranteed to be home a set time on a Friday. He rammed his work that day spoke to his boss travelled an hour to come to the party with me, support me as I didn’t wanna let my grandad down and had cousins from England coming. He then drove me an hour back to his at 1am and literally held me until I crumbled. The week later we took our kids to the zoo for his youngest birthday. I was in agony still bleeding fell asleep in the car on the way home. He got in, got water bottle and pain killers took me upstairs ran a bath and he actually put my pjs on me and put me to bed for a couple hours and I sobbed my heart out he just held me. Then he closed the door told the 3 girls to let me have a sleep as I wasn’t feeling good. When the youngest was in bed he came into bed and just held me and we talked I cried etc. I’ve been through a lot in our relationship which has only been 13 months and honestly he’s been the most amazing person. If I was going for a hysterectomy he would walk out his job if he had too just to make sure he was there xxx

I agree with ‘you are on your own anyway’ - and you’ve done brilliantly through some hugely difficult and testing times. But he’s either for you or against you. And from what you’ve said, he’s not for you. Good luck tomorrow, as a PP said, use the recovery time to decide what you want to do about him. I know what I would do. Sending love. ❤️

He's taken 2 weeks of too look after the kids 'for me'. I don't know how that will look.

His highest claim to fame was looking after YOUR two youngest FOR YOU while you looked after your eldest. Somehow he forgot 'your' youngest two are ... Actually HIS offspring. Duh ?

I'll be there for you.... How are you getting there? Oh, bus, that's fine then.

OP, what does he actually bring to the table ?

Bus?

He wants you to bus in before surgery? When it's a 10" drive?

That's not the act of a partner.

That man doesn't care about you at all and he's making it really clear.

Do you have a friend or family member who can take you and pick you up?

You are going to need some help after and I wouldn't advise you drive.

I hope your surgery goes well.

It is very understandable that you are thinking of leaving him.

And just to add that’s not to say we having had disagreements we have had 2 I think but wasn’t anything major I was hormonal as I have PMDD and I was pissed off he got pissed off we had a couple hours then spoke but I’ll give him his due he didn’t know the extent to PMDD now he’s a bit more educated he knows and in all honestly my periods aren’t regular so it’s not ever month. Honestly OP a good partner would be there for you instantly and yours isn’t I’m so upset and angry your getting a bus to your appointment whilst he can’t be bothered to take you 😡😡😡😡

He’s not a partner, he’s a shit housemate at best. Ultimately, he hasn’t got your back. What’s the point in this relationship? You’d do better on your own.

Should've ditched him 21 years ago. Why do women put up with being treated so poorly and worse still bring children into it.

Good luck with your surgery I hope you have other supportive people in your life.

Sorry, missed your update while I was faffing typing.
Yet again, he's looking after youngsters 'for you'; they're his children 🙄
I'll bet if you are home before his work leave finishes he'll either go back to work or otherwise leave you at home because you've been discharged so you must be fine 😵‍💫🙄

Oh I’m so sorry you’re in this situation. Hope all goes well tomorrow x

So what has been the point of having him as a “partner” when every time the going gets tough you’re on your own? You might as well have been single.

He sounds awful. He should be taking you to the hospital regardless of anything. So sorry you’re going through this and I hope all goes well for you. Take the two weeks to think about whether a life by yourself with your kids is something you are brave enough to step into.

It sounds like you’d be better off by yourself and he isn’t doing you any favours by looking after the kids they are his kids.

Don’t ask him for anything if you can help it over the next two weeks in hospital and just use this time to get used to being by yourself so when you do end it if you decide to it will make it that bit easier.

Yes I would.

Surely you won't be in hospital for 3 weeks? Who going to support you when you get home?

What's a life partner for if not to support you through the difficult times in life? It's probably easier and less lonely going through it alone and single than having a partner who will let you down and disappoint you.
I think you already know yourself that you want to end things.

I’m struggling to see what he brings to the table. Honestly life’s too short, just bin him- you deserve better. I think life will feel lighter without him. Good luck with the op.