Would you end your relationship over this?

[FeatherBower]

I am a mum of 3 boys, 2 of which are my partner of 21 years, my eldest was 3 when we got together. My partner hasn't been the best but ive tried to work through all his flaws over the last 21 years and some are things you can't ignore but ive worked hard, ive had to start therapy for those byt anyway... 1 thing that sticks out is, every time I have a difficult life challenge he completely disengaged from me and either turns on me, picks a fight or finds a way to ignore me till the crisis is over...zero support. Not emotionally, not physically, not mentally...nothing....ZERO. Some examples of crisis are my Dad passing, my 2 brothers passing, my pregnancies, the loss of a pregnancy, my eldest son (not his) relapsing from schizophrenia and me having to get him hospitalised etc, ive done it all alone every single time....now what's the final nail in the coffin? Or feels like it should be... ive had years of issues with my repoductives and tomorrow im having a hysterectomy as no other medical intervention has helped, its been years of hell, ive vocalised how scared I am and he's known for months about it. He kept saying not to worry he will be with me the whole time, he will be there, take me to the hospital etc etc....only last week he turned and said with no emotion..."so how are you getting to the hospital next week for your op?".....I chose not to react, not to beg for his support and I just said BUS. He then said 'yea because I see no point in me having to go all the way there to come all the way back...BUT IF YOU want me there I'll come" I already knew i was in this alone. Its a 10 minute drive but Again I didn't want to give him the reaction he needed to start a fight so he could excuse himself anyway. I didn't want to point out he promised to be there, to drive me there, to be there when I wake up...I cant drive myself as I won't be allowed to drive home and that will cost a bomb to leave the car for 3 weeks in the hospital or close by. I am beyond annoyed. I am honestly considering ending it all. The last time we argued about lack of support he mentioned that when my eldest was sectioned his support was looking after our sons (17 and 9) for me so I could help my 'precious' son....that in itself was an insult because he can happily ask my eldest to watch his brother so we can go for a meal when he wants some of the other......be honest, be brutal....what would you feel or do if you was in this crap situation?

He’s a dick and doesn’t care about you.

You are so smart OP. You didn’t marry him and you own the house.
I hope it goes ok today, and you can spend your recovery planning ahead.

As a lone parent of 15 years I can tell you life is a lot more peaceful without a giant asshole in it.

He's a piece of shit throw him back. You've coped with huge problems in your life on your own. You're are strong you don't need him. Your life will be fuller without him.

He is a prize prick and you deserve so much better. He’ll be no loss and your load will be lighter.

Very best of luck today - you have the collective support of MN behind you, today and during what’s to come.

I had a hysterectomy last year and my DH was an absolute rock.

In the discharge lounge I got talking to a lady in your position. Her DH had been completely unsupportive and had refused to bring her to the hospital or rearrange his shifts to pick her up. She said that it was the straw that broke the camel’s back after years of shit behaviour.

She kicked him out the day before her op. She arranged for her Mum to go and stay with the kids. And despite being in pain, she genuinely radiated excitement at the prospect of a new life without the useless toad, and no gynae problems. I really hope it worked out for her.

Life is too short. You deserve so much better. Good luck with the surgery. x

It's your straw that broke the camels back moment, I had that too and I'm now 3 yrs on from leaving my abusive exH. You take it and take it until one day your eyes open wide and you say no more.
Keep doing exactly what you are doing, no reaction, grey rock, let him show himself for who he really is. Any decent person would drive you to the hospital, be there when you wake up and make sure you dont lift a finger for the next two weeks. You already know hes going to do fuck all to help during your recovery, sure he might sort out the youngest with lifts and dinner but get you a cuppa? Nah not gonna happen so ask the DC, friends or family who visit and expect nothing from him but make a note of every single time he shows you who he is so if you do have a wobble about ending it (perfectly normal btw) then you have your list to keep you strong. Like @Arlanymor says do one think to disentangle from him every day during your recovery and once you are ready tell him to sling his hook! I'm in Belfast and have never played rugby but similar to Arlanymor if you are local to me then I'm happy to help.
I hope you get some peace, care and rest in hospital and that your recovery is as easy as it can be @FeatherBower good luck x

You had enough of this waste of space. He made a big deal of minding his own kids when you were dealing a major problem with your own child.
He has probably seen you in pain and dealing bad period problems before deciding to have this hysterectomy. What he said to you about going to the hospital on your own and leaving your car parked there for weeks was disgraceful.
I hope that everything goes well for you today.

When you come home, sit back and do nothing. You need to mind yourself and do exactly what what the doctors tell you in order to recover properly.
Once you're well you can look forward to packing up his belongings, changing the locks and telling him it over. Get him out of your life because you don't want to end up looking after him as he gets older.

I read as far as this and gave up...

My partner hasn't been the best but I've tried to work through all his flaws over the last 21 years and some are things you can't ignore but I've worked hard, I've had to start therapy for those but anyway.

Sorry... YOU'RE having therapy for your partner's issues? Have I read that right?

Yes

@FeatherBower good luck this morning with the op

Good Luck @FeatherBower

I had an operation, xame home on the bus. Asked my husband to go to boots to fulfil my prescription for pain killers. We lived on the same road as Boots. He went to the pub for the afternoon, leaving me in agony. That was the day I started getting my ducks in a row.

Wishing you well for today.

You’ve done it all on your own for years and are still doing everything on your own now. You e had to deal with an extra child, save the hassle and the stress and the resentment and take the rubbish out. Your life will be freer without him around. The relief will be massive. Good luck with your op x

Get rid. Your life will be happier and lighter without him.

I have only just come across this thread @FeatherBower, but I wanted to let you know that there is now one more Mumsnetter thinking about you today, and wishing you well with your operation.

I will also be thinking of you during your recovery from the operation, and during your very quick recovery from having spent so many years with this selfish idiot. Then when you are free from him for the rest of your much more comfortable and enjoyable life, I will still be thinking of you, and hoping that you are feeling physically great, and mentally wonderful.

I will also, very occasionally, think about that stupid arse, who at present still shares your roof over his head, and even the walls around him, with you, and I think that after his rapidly aprroaching rude awakening, he will kick himself very hard when he realises just how much he misses you, and the easy life you gave him.

Much love and gentle hugs to
you OP 🌺🪻🌷

Such a sad post to read and with major surgery you will be feeling very low afterwards. Will he bring your DC to visit while you are in hospital? (probably stupid question). My only suggestion would be to write a letter while you are in your hospital bed and thinking of all the support you have not had over the years. Even if you don't give it to him, you might find it a cathartic way to express your sadness and remember how he has made you feel over the years. I really feel for you and wish we could come to the hospital to give you support as a MN army and to your house to give him his marching orders for you!!!

Thinking about you today. Praying your op goes well and you heal quickly with no complications.

See this as the first day of your new life. Order a lovely notebook and make a plan while you’re recovering. Not just getting rid of him but plans for your future. Like travelling, holidays or hobbies. Whatever your in to. Do something where you can make friends and don’t leave yourself without a support system. 💐

All the best for your operation today.

When you are recovered ditch this asshole. He is absolutely awful.

There's nothing worse than being in a relationship and being lonely and having no one to help you because the person you are in the relationship with is won't do anything for you.
I've experienced this and honestly, you will feel better alone. I've been in a relationship like this in the past and there's a massive difference between living alone and having to get an uber to the hospital and living with someone who is supposed to love and care for you but won't drive you 10 mins to the hospital and you have to get an uber.
It feels far far worse having to get that uber when there's someone at home who has refused to take you.

Thinking of you today!x

You need to say nothing until you are fully recovered and able to function without his support. Then pull the plug.

In all honestly my H is exactly the same. He's not emotionally available at all. When the going gets tough I have had to do it all on my own. I had no support during IVF, miscarriages, traumatic birth, bereavement ect. Actually, he causes a row before every event or milestone. I do everything for every event and every function. He starts a row the day before and them I'm viewed as the miserable/ argumentative one that picks on him. The worse thing is the loneliness. It all on me and on top of that I'm carrying a grown arse man kicking and screaming up a hill on my back. My kids are only little and I'm finding it difficult to walk away. I really feel so depleted I don't have the energy for the row or the argument that will kick off when I decide to pull that trigger.

Yes, I would end it. I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who can't even be bothered to take 20 minutes out of their day to drive me to hospital. That level of selfish is unbelievable.

Actions speak louder than words and he has spoken very loudly.

He’s treating you with contempt. You would be so much better off without him.

Yes I would, with the context you've given. It sounds like he is trying to get a rise out of you/ get you to ask for help as well with his constant quesitons about it. It's so manipulative. Get rid OP, I reckon it'll be the best think you've ever done. And absolutely time it to be convenient for you.

This bit I get... it was the same with my xh. Now I can't bear to even be in the same space as him. For me, I took it as a sign that I was definitely done. And that was what I did. It's been hard, it still is as we're having an awful divorce, but it's so worth it because it's not hard all of the time and the happiness and calmness is worth every second of the hard bits.

If you're in Hampshire, shout.