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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you end your relationship over this?

143 replies

FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 21:37

I am a mum of 3 boys, 2 of which are my partner of 21 years, my eldest was 3 when we got together. My partner hasn't been the best but ive tried to work through all his flaws over the last 21 years and some are things you can't ignore but ive worked hard, ive had to start therapy for those byt anyway... 1 thing that sticks out is, every time I have a difficult life challenge he completely disengaged from me and either turns on me, picks a fight or finds a way to ignore me till the crisis is over...zero support. Not emotionally, not physically, not mentally...nothing....ZERO. Some examples of crisis are my Dad passing, my 2 brothers passing, my pregnancies, the loss of a pregnancy, my eldest son (not his) relapsing from schizophrenia and me having to get him hospitalised etc, ive done it all alone every single time....now what's the final nail in the coffin? Or feels like it should be... ive had years of issues with my repoductives and tomorrow im having a hysterectomy as no other medical intervention has helped, its been years of hell, ive vocalised how scared I am and he's known for months about it. He kept saying not to worry he will be with me the whole time, he will be there, take me to the hospital etc etc....only last week he turned and said with no emotion..."so how are you getting to the hospital next week for your op?".....I chose not to react, not to beg for his support and I just said BUS. He then said 'yea because I see no point in me having to go all the way there to come all the way back...BUT IF YOU want me there I'll come" I already knew i was in this alone. Its a 10 minute drive but Again I didn't want to give him the reaction he needed to start a fight so he could excuse himself anyway. I didn't want to point out he promised to be there, to drive me there, to be there when I wake up...I cant drive myself as I won't be allowed to drive home and that will cost a bomb to leave the car for 3 weeks in the hospital or close by. I am beyond annoyed. I am honestly considering ending it all. The last time we argued about lack of support he mentioned that when my eldest was sectioned his support was looking after our sons (17 and 9) for me so I could help my 'precious' son....that in itself was an insult because he can happily ask my eldest to watch his brother so we can go for a meal when he wants some of the other......be honest, be brutal....what would you feel or do if you was in this crap situation?

OP posts:
BookArt55 · 19/08/2025 22:15

Honestly, the relationship is over. What do you actually get from being in this relationship except hassle, disrespect and down right meanness?

I would have your op tomorrow, good luck and I hope it all goes as smoothly as it can, then during recovery I would start plotting your escape. Use the bed rest to gather everything: finance info, house info, evidence of being the main carer for the 9 year old, looking at universal Credit if eligible, cms calculator, find a solicitor who you can get the first hour free from, get copies of all important documents, the list goes on. Make a plan over the next few months for moving on, whether that be a new place, etc. Then just so it. You'll be so much happier. As right now, rather than focusing 100% on yourself the night before surgery, which you should be doing, your energy is on his poor excuse for a partner behaviour which is quite simpy revolting.
Thinking of you tomorrow!

Barney16 · 19/08/2025 22:15

He sounds similar to my ex. Key word in that sentence is ex.

Original poster
FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 22:16

I'm starting to feel like he only brings a saw to the table to cut it up and wonder why it eventually won't stand up any more.

OP posts:
Notmyrealname22 · 19/08/2025 22:19

He’s one of those pricks that would leave you if you got cancer. Fuck him off now. Before he gets old and you get stuck caring for someone you know would not do the same for you.

Original poster
FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 22:19

I work full time, its my house and I pay probably 75% of everything anyway, I won't be any less off financially, I work from home and already do all the footwork along side my job, so it will be a matter of getting his roots out of my flooring and asking him to leave which I know he will protest at length. I have no place to go etc etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 22:24

I was thinking to just get an uber, I have all my bag ready, he just asked what time im leaving tomorrow.

OP posts:
Juniperberry55 · 19/08/2025 22:27

I would get a taxi
Refuse to help with any childcare when your home and then when recovered from surgery, get him out of your house. He doesn't seem to make your life any better and doesn't seem to give a shit about you, start prioritising yourself

Original poster
FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 22:29

No not 3 weeks in hospital 1-2 days then bed rest, but you can't do anything for 2 weeks not even hoover. Can't lift stuff etc. He will have to look after the boys and the house. I can't do it anyway.

OP posts:
ThisChirpyFox · 19/08/2025 22:30

FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 21:37

I am a mum of 3 boys, 2 of which are my partner of 21 years, my eldest was 3 when we got together. My partner hasn't been the best but ive tried to work through all his flaws over the last 21 years and some are things you can't ignore but ive worked hard, ive had to start therapy for those byt anyway... 1 thing that sticks out is, every time I have a difficult life challenge he completely disengaged from me and either turns on me, picks a fight or finds a way to ignore me till the crisis is over...zero support. Not emotionally, not physically, not mentally...nothing....ZERO. Some examples of crisis are my Dad passing, my 2 brothers passing, my pregnancies, the loss of a pregnancy, my eldest son (not his) relapsing from schizophrenia and me having to get him hospitalised etc, ive done it all alone every single time....now what's the final nail in the coffin? Or feels like it should be... ive had years of issues with my repoductives and tomorrow im having a hysterectomy as no other medical intervention has helped, its been years of hell, ive vocalised how scared I am and he's known for months about it. He kept saying not to worry he will be with me the whole time, he will be there, take me to the hospital etc etc....only last week he turned and said with no emotion..."so how are you getting to the hospital next week for your op?".....I chose not to react, not to beg for his support and I just said BUS. He then said 'yea because I see no point in me having to go all the way there to come all the way back...BUT IF YOU want me there I'll come" I already knew i was in this alone. Its a 10 minute drive but Again I didn't want to give him the reaction he needed to start a fight so he could excuse himself anyway. I didn't want to point out he promised to be there, to drive me there, to be there when I wake up...I cant drive myself as I won't be allowed to drive home and that will cost a bomb to leave the car for 3 weeks in the hospital or close by. I am beyond annoyed. I am honestly considering ending it all. The last time we argued about lack of support he mentioned that when my eldest was sectioned his support was looking after our sons (17 and 9) for me so I could help my 'precious' son....that in itself was an insult because he can happily ask my eldest to watch his brother so we can go for a meal when he wants some of the other......be honest, be brutal....what would you feel or do if you was in this crap situation?

OP why are you even asking - why haven't you ended it already?

I think even after all the replies you'll come up with excuses or prolong your time with him - because if you haven't left already hearing from ppl on here aren't going to make you do that straight away.

InterestedDad37 · 19/08/2025 22:30

Good luck with your op and recovery.
You don't have to put up with someone who doesn't love you, like you or care for you any longer. Been there, got the t-shirt, and took it with me when I left 🙂

VeryStressedMum · 19/08/2025 22:31

I think you know your relationship has been over for a long time. Maybe you were hoping that this time he would step up and be different which would give you cause to stay but it hasn’t happened.
So now you have to decide what you want from your life.

You aren't expecting much, a partner of two decades to be with you when you have a major operation or at least give you a lift to the hospital. A random friend would do that for you.
My eh had problems expressing his emotions and many faults (as do we all) but he would never ever let me go to the hospital alone.

Arlanymor · 19/08/2025 22:33

ThisChirpyFox · 19/08/2025 22:30

OP why are you even asking - why haven't you ended it already?

I think even after all the replies you'll come up with excuses or prolong your time with him - because if you haven't left already hearing from ppl on here aren't going to make you do that straight away.

Show quote history

Because this is the litmus test isn’t it - if he can’t step up for this then yes it’s over. No one wakes up one day and decides to leave, it’s a slow creep when you have children and your lives are so intertwined. I think this was almost his make or break and he chose break. I think you’re being a bit rough on OP.

Original poster
FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 22:36

This may sound silly, but I haven't ended it already because I need to make sure the kids are looked after while I can't do it, so its safer to get the surgery done and them looked after. I dont have family around so im stuck. I grew up in a dynamic that made abuse hard to notice because it's normal for me but with therapy im seeing things for what they are, its a long story but I needed to know or needed reassurance that I am not being 'dramatic'.

OP posts:
JHound · 19/08/2025 22:40

These posts are so depressing.

And posters here really thing there are a tons of women leaving relationships over nothing because they are too “sensitive.” I would argue it’s the opposite.

Zonkedndizzy · 19/08/2025 22:40

I'm surprised you've gone on for so long in such an unsupportive relationship.

HellonHeels · 19/08/2025 22:40

FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 22:19

I work full time, its my house and I pay probably 75% of everything anyway, I won't be any less off financially, I work from home and already do all the footwork along side my job, so it will be a matter of getting his roots out of my flooring and asking him to leave which I know he will protest at length. I have no place to go etc etc.

So pleased it's your house and you will be secure when you get rid of him.

He's a really nasty piece of work. You will be so much happier without him dragging you down.

Arlanymor · 19/08/2025 22:41

FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 22:36

This may sound silly, but I haven't ended it already because I need to make sure the kids are looked after while I can't do it, so its safer to get the surgery done and them looked after. I dont have family around so im stuck. I grew up in a dynamic that made abuse hard to notice because it's normal for me but with therapy im seeing things for what they are, its a long story but I needed to know or needed reassurance that I am not being 'dramatic'.

Doesn’t sound silly at all, nor is it dramatic. You’re getting your ducks in a row (as everyone loves to say on here!) and pushing past this stage where you need him to do the bare minimum. Hopefully he will, but I think in your mind it’s past the point of no return now. Every day of recovery post-surgery just do one thing to extract him from your life, just one thing, so that when you’re back to your fighting best he’s already pretty much erased and it’s just the physical extraction left to handle. If you were in Wales I would gladly come and be your ‘heft’ - I used to play rugby you know, I am no pushover! Onwards and upwards lovely, onwards and upwards. 2025 could end up being your best year yet! ♥️

ThisChirpyFox · 19/08/2025 22:42

FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 22:36

This may sound silly, but I haven't ended it already because I need to make sure the kids are looked after while I can't do it, so its safer to get the surgery done and them looked after. I dont have family around so im stuck. I grew up in a dynamic that made abuse hard to notice because it's normal for me but with therapy im seeing things for what they are, its a long story but I needed to know or needed reassurance that I am not being 'dramatic'.

OP you can. Give yourself more credit! I've seen your posts, you own the house, pay for most of the bills etc, look after the kids and have been doing so with this man offering little over the years and letting you down during some of your biggest life events.

Each time you've got through them and without his supports you do not need him. Break free. Your children are old enough to look after themselves - let's see how much help he really is while you are recovering.

If it's not much, get rid as soon as you are back on your feet and don't listen to any of his excuses.

Original poster
FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 22:43

Arlanymor · 19/08/2025 22:33

Because this is the litmus test isn’t it - if he can’t step up for this then yes it’s over. No one wakes up one day and decides to leave, it’s a slow creep when you have children and your lives are so intertwined. I think this was almost his make or break and he chose break. I think you’re being a bit rough on OP.

Show quote history

I envy those who are able to see things this way because it shows a blessing that I clearly wasn't privy to. It makes me happy for them.

Thank you for explaining it so well Arlanmor.

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 19/08/2025 22:44

FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 22:43

I envy those who are able to see things this way because it shows a blessing that I clearly wasn't privy to. It makes me happy for them.

Thank you for explaining it so well Arlanmor.

Show quote history

Any time, you’re clearly one of life’s good ‘uns. Totally on your side.

Juniperberry55 · 19/08/2025 22:45

FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 22:36

This may sound silly, but I haven't ended it already because I need to make sure the kids are looked after while I can't do it, so its safer to get the surgery done and them looked after. I dont have family around so im stuck. I grew up in a dynamic that made abuse hard to notice because it's normal for me but with therapy im seeing things for what they are, its a long story but I needed to know or needed reassurance that I am not being 'dramatic'.

I wouldn't do anything until you've recovered from your surgery, you need to the child care and whatever minimal help he'll actually provide. So I wouldn't mention anything to him for now.
Good luck with the surgery, rest as much as you can, if he doesn't hoover for a few weeks while you're recovering then just accept you'll need to do it when your better and try not to wind yourself up about it. As long as the kids are safe and fed, then worry about the rest later. Yes he clearly should be looking after the housework, but it sounds like he's pretty unreliable and useless, so just accept bare minimum and get well.
Then as soon as you feel better from the op, tell him to pack his bags and tell him to leave. He hasn't cared for you when you needed him, so I wouldn't feel bad

WheresthesaladTheresthesalad · 19/08/2025 22:47

Arlanymor · 19/08/2025 22:33

Because this is the litmus test isn’t it - if he can’t step up for this then yes it’s over. No one wakes up one day and decides to leave, it’s a slow creep when you have children and your lives are so intertwined. I think this was almost his make or break and he chose break. I think you’re being a bit rough on OP.

Show quote history

All of this.

You deserve so, so much more than what this man brings to you.

Good luck OP for your surgery tomorrow.

iamnotalemon · 19/08/2025 22:49

I’m sorry. I hope the surgery goes well and he steps up to support you x

YesHonestly · 19/08/2025 22:55

Why does he asking what time you’re leaving tomorrow? It sounds like a game to him, he’s needling you until you react.

What a vile piece of shit he is. You will be so much happier without him OP!x

Katflapkit · 19/08/2025 22:57

That is so brutal and cold. I am sorry for you.

In a long term marriage/relationship with its bumps/warts and ups/downs you should be able to rely on each other, support each other. What is there, if there isn't that? To answer your question, yes I would leave.

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