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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you end your relationship over this?

143 replies

FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 21:37

I am a mum of 3 boys, 2 of which are my partner of 21 years, my eldest was 3 when we got together. My partner hasn't been the best but ive tried to work through all his flaws over the last 21 years and some are things you can't ignore but ive worked hard, ive had to start therapy for those byt anyway... 1 thing that sticks out is, every time I have a difficult life challenge he completely disengaged from me and either turns on me, picks a fight or finds a way to ignore me till the crisis is over...zero support. Not emotionally, not physically, not mentally...nothing....ZERO. Some examples of crisis are my Dad passing, my 2 brothers passing, my pregnancies, the loss of a pregnancy, my eldest son (not his) relapsing from schizophrenia and me having to get him hospitalised etc, ive done it all alone every single time....now what's the final nail in the coffin? Or feels like it should be... ive had years of issues with my repoductives and tomorrow im having a hysterectomy as no other medical intervention has helped, its been years of hell, ive vocalised how scared I am and he's known for months about it. He kept saying not to worry he will be with me the whole time, he will be there, take me to the hospital etc etc....only last week he turned and said with no emotion..."so how are you getting to the hospital next week for your op?".....I chose not to react, not to beg for his support and I just said BUS. He then said 'yea because I see no point in me having to go all the way there to come all the way back...BUT IF YOU want me there I'll come" I already knew i was in this alone. Its a 10 minute drive but Again I didn't want to give him the reaction he needed to start a fight so he could excuse himself anyway. I didn't want to point out he promised to be there, to drive me there, to be there when I wake up...I cant drive myself as I won't be allowed to drive home and that will cost a bomb to leave the car for 3 weeks in the hospital or close by. I am beyond annoyed. I am honestly considering ending it all. The last time we argued about lack of support he mentioned that when my eldest was sectioned his support was looking after our sons (17 and 9) for me so I could help my 'precious' son....that in itself was an insult because he can happily ask my eldest to watch his brother so we can go for a meal when he wants some of the other......be honest, be brutal....what would you feel or do if you was in this crap situation?

OP posts:
Ihaveneedofwaternear · 20/08/2025 11:02

Good luck today, OP. He sounds like a nasty piece of shit, and you sound strong and capable. Good luck kicking him to the curb 💪💪💪

Original poster
FeatherBower · 20/08/2025 11:15

Thanks all for your feedback, and believe me ive taken it all to heart.

I am at the hospital now looking sexy in green op socks and a gown.

This morning ing 1 hour before I was due to leave the oh said "do you want me to drive you?"

This angered me because it shouldn't be a question and it felt like he wants me to have to ask for support in which case I don't see it as willing support....so I said "thanks for asking if I want you to take me last minute but its ok, I booked an uber, I was aware I'd be doing this alone so I made plans"

Well he blew up, went mental, desperate even that I should cancel, he will take me, he will drive me, I refused to cancel the uber, and it all came out. I told him he made it clear the moment he asked how I would get to the hospital that I was in this alone and so I won't be asking for support as I know it isn't available.

I was called selfish and a cow, then a selfish horrible cow, and it switched to how I bet you told your family I wasn't taking you and now they will all think this and that of me....I told him its telling how he's instant thought was how he looks to others than addressing the fact I knew I'd deal with this alone.

I've told him its over. I said he doesn't have the capacity to support me the way I need and I no longer have the capacity to live him.

He's now at begging stage, crying down the phone and sending screen shits of offering me a take away last night. His excuse that he doesn't know how to show care. He said its the fact that I do t think he's good enough....and I simply replied that im glad we are on the same page.

He said he will stay and look after the kids whilst I recover and leave when im well....I know him and this is his grand finally to try and swing in his favour, but I am done.

His reaction again solidified this isn't the man I need in my life. Thanks everyone for making me understand my needs are not irrational and my feelings are not dramatic, they are valid.

Next stop op table....I am on my own but its ok, ive been through worse and I know I can do this!

Bye bye uterus and bye bye oh, gone are the two things who won't work in my favour!

Would you end your relationship over this?
OP posts:
DarklingIlisten · 20/08/2025 11:18

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 20/08/2025 11:21

You sound fucking fabulous, OP.

As PP said, you were expecting the absolute basics from any caring partner, and it's not that he couldn't do it, it's the sneaky, calculated nastiness of "oh, so how are you getting to the hospital".

Good luck with the op and your recovery, and good luck with everything that's to come after. Hopefully, this is the start of your life getting better

Ihaveneedofwaternear · 20/08/2025 11:21

Also - I love "glad we're on the same page" 🤣

HellonHeels · 20/08/2025 11:23

He really unmasked himself. Glad you got the uber and you're settled in for your op.

One step at a time, you will get there. Gentle hug xxxx

winnieanddaisy · 20/08/2025 11:27

Best wishes for your op and a full and speedy recovery.🌷

sunshine244 · 20/08/2025 11:35

My ex was like this, became hugely worse after we had kids. When i was in labour he shouted at me because it was an inconvenient time (it really wasn't nor was it unexpected as it was after my due date). Then when my Mum died 6 months later he complained his way through the funeral for all sorts of reasons. I think that was the final straw for me. I ended things not long after.

Be aware that he will likely kick back and blame you for everything. Good luck!

sunshine244 · 20/08/2025 11:37

I totally forgot to add the positive bits. I am.hugely happier on my own. My kids are much younger so I've had family court etc to deal with. But even with that ongoing issues my life is calmer, more positive, less unpredictable. My house is a warm and comforting place. It's so much better without someone dragging me down.

Bollihobs · 20/08/2025 11:37

Sending un-mumsnetty hugs to you OP.

You sound amazing, like Hermia "though she be small she is mighty" and the "I'm glad we're on the same page " comment.....that's going in Classics that one, absolutely brilliant!

All good wishes for the op and then onwards to better days OP. 🤗

DarklingIlisten · 20/08/2025 11:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ due to privacy concerns.

BauhausOfEliott · 20/08/2025 11:50

I would have ended the relationship 20 years ago, frankly. He's so bad that you've needed therapy to deal with how badly he's treated you? Get rid of this piece of shit. He's not going to suddenly become a nice person after 21 years of being a total cunt. As a PP said, he behaves as if he doesn't even like you. Dump him.

BauhausOfEliott · 20/08/2025 11:55

Ah, just seen your update! I'm so glad you've told him a few home truths. You're amazingly strong to have done that at what's already a tricky time with your operation etc - well done, you absolute legend! Hope all goes well with your hysterectomy and your recovery :)

YourWildAmberSloth · 20/08/2025 12:14

I would have left years ago. YABU to accept this behaviour for 21 years then suddenly expect him to be different.

Edited to add: I have just seen your update and I am genuinely happy that you have seen the light, however my original point still stands. If you allow /accept poor behaviour (from anyone), its unreasonable to expect that person to suddenly change.

PigletSanders · 20/08/2025 12:15

FeatherBower · 20/08/2025 11:15

Thanks all for your feedback, and believe me ive taken it all to heart.

I am at the hospital now looking sexy in green op socks and a gown.

This morning ing 1 hour before I was due to leave the oh said "do you want me to drive you?"

This angered me because it shouldn't be a question and it felt like he wants me to have to ask for support in which case I don't see it as willing support....so I said "thanks for asking if I want you to take me last minute but its ok, I booked an uber, I was aware I'd be doing this alone so I made plans"

Well he blew up, went mental, desperate even that I should cancel, he will take me, he will drive me, I refused to cancel the uber, and it all came out. I told him he made it clear the moment he asked how I would get to the hospital that I was in this alone and so I won't be asking for support as I know it isn't available.

I was called selfish and a cow, then a selfish horrible cow, and it switched to how I bet you told your family I wasn't taking you and now they will all think this and that of me....I told him its telling how he's instant thought was how he looks to others than addressing the fact I knew I'd deal with this alone.

I've told him its over. I said he doesn't have the capacity to support me the way I need and I no longer have the capacity to live him.

He's now at begging stage, crying down the phone and sending screen shits of offering me a take away last night. His excuse that he doesn't know how to show care. He said its the fact that I do t think he's good enough....and I simply replied that im glad we are on the same page.

He said he will stay and look after the kids whilst I recover and leave when im well....I know him and this is his grand finally to try and swing in his favour, but I am done.

His reaction again solidified this isn't the man I need in my life. Thanks everyone for making me understand my needs are not irrational and my feelings are not dramatic, they are valid.

Next stop op table....I am on my own but its ok, ive been through worse and I know I can do this!

Bye bye uterus and bye bye oh, gone are the two things who won't work in my favour!

You, OP, are a fucking legend.

I hope the op goes well, and you feel strong and resolute in your recovery. About everything.

MercyChant66 · 20/08/2025 12:23

This is just amazing - OP! I'm in awe of you. Wishing you a speedy recovery and all the very best for a happy, carefree future with your boys! 💐

Bestfootforward11 · 20/08/2025 12:42

Well done you!! You have a mumsnet army behind you!! Wishing you all the best for the op, a speedy recovery and a brighter and lighter future xxx

Bestfootforward11 · 20/08/2025 12:43

PS loved the ‘same page’ response. Legend.

HelloHellNo · 20/08/2025 12:50

FeatherBower · 20/08/2025 11:15

Thanks all for your feedback, and believe me ive taken it all to heart.

I am at the hospital now looking sexy in green op socks and a gown.

This morning ing 1 hour before I was due to leave the oh said "do you want me to drive you?"

This angered me because it shouldn't be a question and it felt like he wants me to have to ask for support in which case I don't see it as willing support....so I said "thanks for asking if I want you to take me last minute but its ok, I booked an uber, I was aware I'd be doing this alone so I made plans"

Well he blew up, went mental, desperate even that I should cancel, he will take me, he will drive me, I refused to cancel the uber, and it all came out. I told him he made it clear the moment he asked how I would get to the hospital that I was in this alone and so I won't be asking for support as I know it isn't available.

I was called selfish and a cow, then a selfish horrible cow, and it switched to how I bet you told your family I wasn't taking you and now they will all think this and that of me....I told him its telling how he's instant thought was how he looks to others than addressing the fact I knew I'd deal with this alone.

I've told him its over. I said he doesn't have the capacity to support me the way I need and I no longer have the capacity to live him.

He's now at begging stage, crying down the phone and sending screen shits of offering me a take away last night. His excuse that he doesn't know how to show care. He said its the fact that I do t think he's good enough....and I simply replied that im glad we are on the same page.

He said he will stay and look after the kids whilst I recover and leave when im well....I know him and this is his grand finally to try and swing in his favour, but I am done.

His reaction again solidified this isn't the man I need in my life. Thanks everyone for making me understand my needs are not irrational and my feelings are not dramatic, they are valid.

Next stop op table....I am on my own but its ok, ive been through worse and I know I can do this!

Bye bye uterus and bye bye oh, gone are the two things who won't work in my favour!

They always cause a row before big life events. He couldn't cope without being the center of the universe for a few days so he caused a row to put him at the centre.

You are amazing @FeatherBower. So strong and brave. I guess you don't really have an alternative because the ex isn't going to take the load.

I really need a bit of what your drinking. I just don't know how to get there.

Nettyhugs · 20/08/2025 13:06

Bravo, woman! Now you’ve set the stage to see him out you can focus on your recovery. You may be doing this alone but know that you have so many mumsnetters cheering you on. Sending so many unmumsnetty hugs and well wishes, you’ll be just fine after your op and beyond!

Wallywobbles · 20/08/2025 13:23

Fuck me that’s fabulous news. Bloody brilliant you.

Douchey · 20/08/2025 14:31

Legend 💥
Hope the op has gone well, all the best for your recovery!

Mumof2amazingasdkiddos · 20/08/2025 19:22

Hey OP just wanted to check in and see how you are getting on and if all went well with your surgery? Sending hugs

ForeverTipsy · 20/08/2025 19:41

Yes, been thinking of you lots today OP. Hope surgery went smoothly and you're not feeling too rough (I've had c-sections and have a friend who has had a hysterectomy and we said the recovery is kinda similar).

Hope you're as ok as you can be.

Campingisnexttogodliness · 20/08/2025 19:50

See those big girl pants we wear with hospital attire have won through- you rock op. ... We see people for who they are in a crisis.. My exh drove me to visit dying dgm. Begrudgingly every time..
Then when she died he demanded I ask her dd for fuel costs..
I didn't. Did file for divorce soon after.

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