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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you end your relationship over this?

143 replies

FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 21:37

I am a mum of 3 boys, 2 of which are my partner of 21 years, my eldest was 3 when we got together. My partner hasn't been the best but ive tried to work through all his flaws over the last 21 years and some are things you can't ignore but ive worked hard, ive had to start therapy for those byt anyway... 1 thing that sticks out is, every time I have a difficult life challenge he completely disengaged from me and either turns on me, picks a fight or finds a way to ignore me till the crisis is over...zero support. Not emotionally, not physically, not mentally...nothing....ZERO. Some examples of crisis are my Dad passing, my 2 brothers passing, my pregnancies, the loss of a pregnancy, my eldest son (not his) relapsing from schizophrenia and me having to get him hospitalised etc, ive done it all alone every single time....now what's the final nail in the coffin? Or feels like it should be... ive had years of issues with my repoductives and tomorrow im having a hysterectomy as no other medical intervention has helped, its been years of hell, ive vocalised how scared I am and he's known for months about it. He kept saying not to worry he will be with me the whole time, he will be there, take me to the hospital etc etc....only last week he turned and said with no emotion..."so how are you getting to the hospital next week for your op?".....I chose not to react, not to beg for his support and I just said BUS. He then said 'yea because I see no point in me having to go all the way there to come all the way back...BUT IF YOU want me there I'll come" I already knew i was in this alone. Its a 10 minute drive but Again I didn't want to give him the reaction he needed to start a fight so he could excuse himself anyway. I didn't want to point out he promised to be there, to drive me there, to be there when I wake up...I cant drive myself as I won't be allowed to drive home and that will cost a bomb to leave the car for 3 weeks in the hospital or close by. I am beyond annoyed. I am honestly considering ending it all. The last time we argued about lack of support he mentioned that when my eldest was sectioned his support was looking after our sons (17 and 9) for me so I could help my 'precious' son....that in itself was an insult because he can happily ask my eldest to watch his brother so we can go for a meal when he wants some of the other......be honest, be brutal....what would you feel or do if you was in this crap situation?

OP posts:
CalmTheFuckDownMargaret · 19/08/2025 22:58

He can’t possibly love you. He’s not even attempting to disguise that he doesn’t care. He’s just too cowardly to end things and live alone. Get rid of him. He’s contemptible.

Original poster
FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 22:58

Arlanymor · 19/08/2025 22:41

Doesn’t sound silly at all, nor is it dramatic. You’re getting your ducks in a row (as everyone loves to say on here!) and pushing past this stage where you need him to do the bare minimum. Hopefully he will, but I think in your mind it’s past the point of no return now. Every day of recovery post-surgery just do one thing to extract him from your life, just one thing, so that when you’re back to your fighting best he’s already pretty much erased and it’s just the physical extraction left to handle. If you were in Wales I would gladly come and be your ‘heft’ - I used to play rugby you know, I am no pushover! Onwards and upwards lovely, onwards and upwards. 2025 could end up being your best year yet! ♥️

Show quote history

This actually made me smile really wide and i almost spit me water out! 🤣. You are a sweetheart!

OP posts:
Arlanymor · 19/08/2025 23:01

FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 22:58

This actually made me smile really wide and i almost spit me water out! 🤣. You are a sweetheart!

Show quote history

Good! You deserve to smile!

Anyahyacinth · 19/08/2025 23:03

You've been incredibly brave going through so many things that are so hard. I think you'll find lots of caring people at the hospital tomorrow...you're right get through his...then act.

My stomach churned at what you are having to accept from him..definitely playing with you like a cat with a mouse about how you'll get to the hospital. It's beneath contempt. Keep it as it is...because NO ONE could ever justify not taking you and taking care of you there. It will be absolute proof to harden your heart and get rid. Honestly you are worth SO SO much more 🌷💐🌷💐🌷

Original poster
FeatherBower · 19/08/2025 23:09

Anyahyacinth · 19/08/2025 23:03

You've been incredibly brave going through so many things that are so hard. I think you'll find lots of caring people at the hospital tomorrow...you're right get through his...then act.

My stomach churned at what you are having to accept from him..definitely playing with you like a cat with a mouse about how you'll get to the hospital. It's beneath contempt. Keep it as it is...because NO ONE could ever justify not taking you and taking care of you there. It will be absolute proof to harden your heart and get rid. Honestly you are worth SO SO much more 🌷💐🌷💐🌷

My heart has definitely hardened this last week more than it ever has in the last 20 years. His face even looks different to me now. He looks like a different person suddenly.

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 19/08/2025 23:26

do you both own your house-it will be hard but get over this surgery first then look into legal advice

curious79 · 19/08/2025 23:30

It sounds like a relationship that is devoid of love frankly. I wonder why you’ve put up with it for so long. Is that a self-esteem thing? Your parents have a bad relationship so that’s as good as you thought it might get? It is certainly not a relationship I would stay in.

ScorchingEgg · 19/08/2025 23:34

There’s a few things that really stand out to me in your post. The first is that I think when you get to the point you describe - the not having the energy or the desire to argue the point, to remind him of what he promised, because you knew what the reality was going to be anyway with him dropping the ball, that’s when you know it’s over. When you have the fight in you to argue it’s because you still have hope he can be pushed into doing the thing you need and deserve. But when you don’t even bother with that anymore? It’s already over.

The second thing that stood out to me was how utterly capable and resilient you are, OP. You have been through all of that on your own without support and you are here and you are strong. Perhaps you just needed to reach a point where you gained enough confidence in your abilities to be alone. And hopefully if you read your post over you will see yourself for the strong, capable woman you are.

Good luck with the operation. I look forward to reading about your new life once you’ve got rid of the unhealthy parts. And I don’t mean your uterus. :)

ForeverTipsy · 19/08/2025 23:40

My friend has been in long-term unhealthy relationships before, partly due to having been brought up by parents in a toxic marriage.

She has found no end of support and friendship through CoDA UK, so thought I'd link for you in case it helps...

TangerinePlate · 19/08/2025 23:45

Oh OP 💐

Please ask around. There are some good people out there (not your partner) that will help you and take you home from the hospital. Taxi should be your last resort.

It would also be a good idea to find some support after you left the hospital. With such uncaring person as your partner he might go out leaving you to do everything and jeopardise your recovery. Don’t underestimate his cruelty.

Please take care of yourself. Your swift recovery is crucial to your wellbeing.

When you’re back on your feet please extricate yourself from this “relationship”. The fact that he has nowhere to stay is not your problem.

All the best 💐

JackGrealishsBobbySocks · 19/08/2025 23:45

I am aghast at how uncaring, unfeeling and exploitative this man is.

I think yoy should move this to Relationships so you can get more seasoned support and guidance. You have one life. You could spend the rest of it independent and happy.

kleverklogs · 19/08/2025 23:50

He sounds like like a turd. You deserve so much better. Flush him away, OP!

Eenameenadeeka · 19/08/2025 23:52

If he's not there for you in the hard times, and it sounds like sometimes he even makes things worse for you, then he is not a good partner. I'm sorry this sounds like a tough situation for you, do you have anyone else who can support you?

Dramatic · 19/08/2025 23:54

Absolutely disgusting behaviour from him, and to then ask "what time are you leaving?" like it's some sort of sick game. OP you are absolutely not being dramatic or overreacting, driving you to the hospital is the absolute bare minimum you should expect and the fact he won't even do that and seems to be relishing in it just shows what kind of nasty person he is.

I hope your surgery goes well, I'm having the same thing done in October and although I'm nervous I know it'll be the best thing in the long run so I'm sure once you've recovered you will have even more energy to get rid of this dead weight of a husband

Smilesinthesunshine · 20/08/2025 00:06

Good luck for tomorrow, I hope it all goes well for you. Please kick this nasty piece of shit out of the house as soon as you have recovered and regained your strength.
You will be so much happier without him.

Nettyhugs · 20/08/2025 00:06

Hope your op goes well @FeatherBower. He’s on countdown time and doesn’t even know it.

HollyIvie · 20/08/2025 00:15

Good luck with op and recovery. Hope he steps up for the kids and the house. Make sure you have your mike drop speech ready when u ask him to leave. His behaviour is so disrespectful!!

freerangethighs · 20/08/2025 00:15

The fact that he sees watching his own children as a favour to his (incapacitated) wife, and you're worried he wouldn't take care of them if he knew you were planning to ask him to leave tells me everything I need to know to say I wouldn't be staying with him. Even if the two of you had been divorced for years, of COURSE he'd take care of the children on his own (or by arranging whatever other help he needs) while you were recovering from surgery. That's being a parent, not being a partner.

And that exchange about who's driving you to the hospital is cruel and malicious. Stay safe, stay strong, get well, and then get him out!! Flowers

Mumtobabyhavoc · 20/08/2025 06:41

Thank God you own the house and are not married. Use your down time to plan. Let's face it, you likely won't get any help while you are recovering, though.
Once you are on your feet KICK. HIM. OUT.
If it means packing his bags and changing the locks then do it. Tell your kids the truth. You deserve so much more. Your poor kids are learning how to treat women, and others in general, from him. Change your life asap. Good luck with surgery.

Motnight · 20/08/2025 06:51

Good luck with your operation today, Op.

Endofyear · 20/08/2025 07:40

Yes I absolutely would end the relationship over this. I cannot imagine my DH not taking me to the hospital and waiting while I had a major operation like a hysterectomy.

Get a taxi to the hospital, do you have a close friend or family member who would go with you? Once you've had the operation and are fully recovered (give yourself at least 6 weeks after a hysterectomy) then if I were you, I'd be planning the end of the relationship

OldBeyondMyYears · 20/08/2025 07:51

Cadenza12 · 19/08/2025 22:05

Surely you won't be in hospital for 3 weeks? Who going to support you when you get home?

No of course not…but she won’t be able to drive her car back home when she’s discharged, and I doubt the cunt of a husband will offer to collect it! So it would have to stay in the car park until she’s fit to drive.

BeenThereBackThen · 20/08/2025 07:59

You had therapy for yourself so you can carry on surviving in this relationship? ALONE? It should have been for both of you but i’m certain he is not interested.

He sounds abusive.

You are alone anyways, in fact you will be less lonely alone, without constant reminder about how far your relationship is from what is normal.

Your mental health will improve too.

Imbusytodaysorry · 20/08/2025 08:05

@FeatherBower gebuinely if leave and never looks back . You have been through enough with this man .
He sounds like a narcissist . He can not for any reason allow anything to be about you .

You deserve so much more.
Cab you ask a friend or neighbour for a lift ? Then taxi home z
You did the right thing not arguing. While recovering start to make you plan to leave.