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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Are there benefits to waiting for months before you have sex?

256 replies

Ilovepastafortea · 19/08/2025 20:28

OK, I lay my cards on the table. Met DH in the early 1980's been married since 1988. Neither of us were virgins - him less so than me as he was a randy good-looking bloke. 😂

Never occurred to me to have sex on our first or even 6th date. Well, probably occurred to him, but I was 'good girl' & we first had sex after about 6 months together. He says that was the longest any girl had 'kept him waiting', but he always knew that I was 'the one' & rather liked it that I wasn't like other girlfriends he'd had who had sex on 1st or 2nd dates & the quick shags that he had. He always says that I was worth waiting for & the fact that I didn't have sex with him until I was sure of him made it all the better.

Just posting for opinions having only had sex with the same man for more than 40 years & still I love spending an afternoon in bed with him. He's the best & I love & fancy the very bones of that man. I'm one lucky woman. 😍

Guess what I've been doing today - that man still does it for me! 😉

OP posts:
SleeplessInWherever · 20/08/2025 16:43

SpaceRaccoon · 20/08/2025 16:10

Often read threads on here about an OP having sex on 2nd or 3rd date, then radio silence.
So often best hanging out a bit longer if you think someone maybe relationship material.

But if they will only stay with you because you played games and "waited", then best to find that out, and at least you get a fuck out of it.

This.

I lost my virginity to a guy who I’d been fairly routinely meeting up with on nights out, over a period of a couple of months. Funnily enough, never happened again after that. Was just a delayed ONS and turns out he liked the “chase,” the challenge, whatever.

I’ve got no resentment about that. It’s just sex. Have it, see if they stick around, if they do.. have it again!

Boomer55 · 20/08/2025 16:45

I’m an older woman, but I can’t think of anything more grim than hopping into bed with someone I barely know.

SpaceRaccoon · 20/08/2025 16:48

Boomer55 · 20/08/2025 16:45

I’m an older woman, but I can’t think of anything more grim than hopping into bed with someone I barely know.

I'm not young any more either, but honestly there was nothing better than being out, pissed up, meeting a hot guy and that whole excitement of sleeping with them.

fthisfthatfeverything · 20/08/2025 16:48

I hold off, give them something to come back for.
Any one night stand I had, came back for more and therefore I ended up never having a ons

BCBird · 20/08/2025 16:52

Ive waited a couple of months- sex was very one- sided . It was doul destroying but stupidly we were together 2 and a half years. In 2nd relationship we slept together first face to face meeting. We had been communicating for 3 weeks before we met. I was curious about what sex could be like. We went on to have a fulfilling relationship for 2 years. If I decided to date again I would probably have sex sooner rather than later

Alicealig · 20/08/2025 16:56

I think it was best from a societal point of view, to wait until marriage. At the end of the day that's what it was for, and if you deviated from that you were shamed in social circles, which worked pretty well for as long as it was the case.

So many women are that promiscuous nowadays that if a girl wants to wait until they're ready, the man won't stand for this as there are so many other options for him to get casual sex where he pleases.

This makes it so difficult, for women who want to protect their virginity and find a good partner and also for men, who want, for want of better word, a woman that hasn't been ran through by various men.

cheesycheesy · 20/08/2025 17:00

Alicealig · 20/08/2025 16:56

I think it was best from a societal point of view, to wait until marriage. At the end of the day that's what it was for, and if you deviated from that you were shamed in social circles, which worked pretty well for as long as it was the case.

So many women are that promiscuous nowadays that if a girl wants to wait until they're ready, the man won't stand for this as there are so many other options for him to get casual sex where he pleases.

This makes it so difficult, for women who want to protect their virginity and find a good partner and also for men, who want, for want of better word, a woman that hasn't been ran through by various men.

Ran through 🤢 take your misogyny and shove it

SpaceRaccoon · 20/08/2025 17:06

This makes it so difficult, for women who want to protect their virginity and find a good partner and also for men, who want, for want of better word, a woman that hasn't been ran through by various men.

Someone is disgusting here, and it's not the women who like sex and don't have hangups about it.
"Ran through" is a revolting way to speak about women, shame on you.

SleeplessInWherever · 20/08/2025 17:08

Alicealig · 20/08/2025 16:56

I think it was best from a societal point of view, to wait until marriage. At the end of the day that's what it was for, and if you deviated from that you were shamed in social circles, which worked pretty well for as long as it was the case.

So many women are that promiscuous nowadays that if a girl wants to wait until they're ready, the man won't stand for this as there are so many other options for him to get casual sex where he pleases.

This makes it so difficult, for women who want to protect their virginity and find a good partner and also for men, who want, for want of better word, a woman that hasn't been ran through by various men.

Urgh.

Poltroon · 20/08/2025 17:10

Alicealig · 20/08/2025 16:56

I think it was best from a societal point of view, to wait until marriage. At the end of the day that's what it was for, and if you deviated from that you were shamed in social circles, which worked pretty well for as long as it was the case.

So many women are that promiscuous nowadays that if a girl wants to wait until they're ready, the man won't stand for this as there are so many other options for him to get casual sex where he pleases.

This makes it so difficult, for women who want to protect their virginity and find a good partner and also for men, who want, for want of better word, a woman that hasn't been ran through by various men.

Gosh, what a terrible shame for you that the old days, when you could incarcerate women who had sex out of wedlock, are so thoroughly gone.

Maybe if you find the sexual mores of 2025 so challenging, just opt for celibacy,, and your all-important virginity can just be ‘protected’ until your dying day.

Menopants · 20/08/2025 17:11

Shellyash · 20/08/2025 12:52

You sound like a man, or a dog.

Show quote history

Or am emotional competent human

Original poster
Ilovepastafortea · 20/08/2025 17:13

Thank you everyone for your input.

I was just canvassing opinions & I got them - again many thanks.

It was 40 years ago & different times. However, having got to know DH for 6 months before we had sex (though he tried it on many times before then) it meant that we were both very comfortable with each other & I felt able to say what I liked &, frankly, it was brilliant & only got better as we got to know each other's likes (to put it gently).

But, as I say things were different 40 years ago.

I remember my mother proudly saying that she was a virgin when she got married in 1962 & it never occurred to her to have sex before marriage. My father, from the other end of the dining table commented that it certainly occurred to him a few times. 😂

OP posts:
SouthLondonMum22 · 20/08/2025 17:16

Alicealig · 20/08/2025 16:56

I think it was best from a societal point of view, to wait until marriage. At the end of the day that's what it was for, and if you deviated from that you were shamed in social circles, which worked pretty well for as long as it was the case.

So many women are that promiscuous nowadays that if a girl wants to wait until they're ready, the man won't stand for this as there are so many other options for him to get casual sex where he pleases.

This makes it so difficult, for women who want to protect their virginity and find a good partner and also for men, who want, for want of better word, a woman that hasn't been ran through by various men.

Of course, it is all the women's fault.

Even men having casual sex, funny that.

silverspringer · 20/08/2025 17:16

I don’t like the idea of men liking women to make them wait. Urgh. Is it all about the bloke and their needs then? What if a woman really wants sex?

There’s a lot of men out there (and women who share the view) that women that are ok for a ONS or FWB thing are not relationship material because they’re too ‘easy’.

Fuck that shit. Anyone who judges another person on how quickly they have sex with someone else isn’t worth any of my energy.

I also find it incredibly odd that this seems to be a vehicle to tell Mumsnet that you were boning that afternoon. Big whoop! 😄

silverspringer · 20/08/2025 17:18

Alicealig · 20/08/2025 16:56

I think it was best from a societal point of view, to wait until marriage. At the end of the day that's what it was for, and if you deviated from that you were shamed in social circles, which worked pretty well for as long as it was the case.

So many women are that promiscuous nowadays that if a girl wants to wait until they're ready, the man won't stand for this as there are so many other options for him to get casual sex where he pleases.

This makes it so difficult, for women who want to protect their virginity and find a good partner and also for men, who want, for want of better word, a woman that hasn't been ran through by various men.

‘Ran through’. Vile!

Nevertrustacop · 20/08/2025 17:22

Can I just ask what would make a decent man (so not violent, thick or selfish) hopeless in bed?
Do people really not know if they would be sexualy compatible until they have sex.
It's just that I've never been disappointed and that's the reason why I would wait, because I don't want to risk bad sex with randoms.

BettysRoasties · 20/08/2025 17:25

Ran though. Says more about that person than anything else.

I actually knew dh as a friend for a while before I decided I wanted what I call a ons with him. There was never the intention to date him I just wanted sex. You know the night. Shower, shave, matching undies I was out to get mine. But so far it’s worked out.

I do think there is still that deep rooted bullshit with some men however. That it’s ok for them to shag about and then settle down but if a women’s done that then she’s used goods. Same type of men who think sleeping with 100 dicks would give you a “baggy fanny” but one dick 100 times is good girl.

FrenchLavendar · 20/08/2025 17:32

Having read the first dozen or so responses I'm wondering what happens to all the blokes who are deemed to be not good enough in the sex department? The continuous rejection must be terrible for a person's happiness and self-confidence. 😔

Surely, there's more to a person than being "good at" sex? Would that really be a deal breaker? For me, it wouldn't. I would be prioritising other desirable traits: kindness; intelligence; tolerance; understanding; steadfastness and so on.

PermanentTemporary · 20/08/2025 17:37

@FrenchLavendar nothing happens to them. Sex is about two (or whatever) people together. I’ve had a perfectly enjoyable time with plenty of partners in bed, male and female, and hugged them goodbye with affection and gratitude but haven’t wanted to do it again with them, let alone however many times a week for the rest of my life. For those of us who have a strand of being that allows us to enjoy sex the way others enjoy a round of golf or a yoga class, as a physical hobby, it’s not or not always about auditioning for partners or judging. It’s about the pure physical altered space that is sex. Tbh it’s the nearest I get to a holy experience.

cc99xo · 20/08/2025 17:38

In the two relationships I’ve had (one 6+ years, one 4 years and counting with children) I slept with them both on the first date 🤷🏼‍♀️

SleeplessInWherever · 20/08/2025 17:38

Nevertrustacop · 20/08/2025 17:22

Can I just ask what would make a decent man (so not violent, thick or selfish) hopeless in bed?
Do people really not know if they would be sexualy compatible until they have sex.
It's just that I've never been disappointed and that's the reason why I would wait, because I don't want to risk bad sex with randoms.

In my ex husband’s case - boring.

Lights off missionary. Might as well have diarised it. Didn’t believe in female foreplay, because he couldn’t be bothered. Wasn’t interested if anyone else had an orgasm. Of any sort.

Used to say “I’ll be quick,” and invariably… was.

It was like sex was some sort of tick list, and he couldn’t actually be bothered to complete all of it anyway.

He’s a fairly reasonable guy, with a decent income and great family values. He’s also as dull as dishwater in the bedroom, and emotionally 7 years old.

cc99xo · 20/08/2025 17:38

But ofc some people do like to wait, but personally I don’t know anyone that’s waited longer than 3-4 dates

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/08/2025 18:23

FrenchLavendar · 20/08/2025 17:32

Having read the first dozen or so responses I'm wondering what happens to all the blokes who are deemed to be not good enough in the sex department? The continuous rejection must be terrible for a person's happiness and self-confidence. 😔

Surely, there's more to a person than being "good at" sex? Would that really be a deal breaker? For me, it wouldn't. I would be prioritising other desirable traits: kindness; intelligence; tolerance; understanding; steadfastness and so on.

It would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. I enjoy sex and wouldn't be with someone who is bad at it. I'm not going to put up with crappy sex just to protect a man's happiness and self confidence and I don't see why I should.

You can prioritise all of those desirable traits including good sex.

StarlightLady · 20/08/2025 18:24

Alicealig · 20/08/2025 16:56

I think it was best from a societal point of view, to wait until marriage. At the end of the day that's what it was for, and if you deviated from that you were shamed in social circles, which worked pretty well for as long as it was the case.

So many women are that promiscuous nowadays that if a girl wants to wait until they're ready, the man won't stand for this as there are so many other options for him to get casual sex where he pleases.

This makes it so difficult, for women who want to protect their virginity and find a good partner and also for men, who want, for want of better word, a woman that hasn't been ran through by various men.

Protect virginity? Protect from what? Virginity is a male created concept to control women and make them appear as male property. Inexperience with most things in life is rarely, if ever, a benefit.

Quality sex is shared, not given.

Alicealig · 20/08/2025 18:26

SouthLondonMum22 · 20/08/2025 17:16

Of course, it is all the women's fault.

Even men having casual sex, funny that.

Show quote history

I wasn't stating anything from a 'fault perspective'. It's hard not to notice how selfish and shallow the women are on here that prioritise the quality of their own orgasms as being at the top of the list when considering a relationship. It may be worth considering that the more men you sleep with the higher bar this becomes as inevitably sleeping with a high number of men you are more likely to experience those who are 'better in bed', rather than viewing sex as being a special part that you and the other person share together.

Another problem with promiscuity is you get women with an expectation of the big muscles, great in bed with a great income and they sleep with them with the misconception that because they can have sex with them they would be interested in a relationship with them. This constant rejection is very damaging to anyone who goes through it which we're seeing more and more, no thanks to social media.

The 'ran through' comment could have been more cleverly thought out, but being honsst that is how it is thought of by the other sex.