Are there benefits to waiting for months before you have sex?

[Ilovepastafortea]

OK, I lay my cards on the table. Met DH in the early 1980's been married since 1988. Neither of us were virgins - him less so than me as he was a randy good-looking bloke. 😂

Never occurred to me to have sex on our first or even 6th date. Well, probably occurred to him, but I was 'good girl' & we first had sex after about 6 months together. He says that was the longest any girl had 'kept him waiting', but he always knew that I was 'the one' & rather liked it that I wasn't like other girlfriends he'd had who had sex on 1st or 2nd dates & the quick shags that he had. He always says that I was worth waiting for & the fact that I didn't have sex with him until I was sure of him made it all the better.

Just posting for opinions having only had sex with the same man for more than 40 years & still I love spending an afternoon in bed with him. He's the best & I love & fancy the very bones of that man. I'm one lucky woman. 😍

Guess what I've been doing today - that man still does it for me! 😉

I'm with you OP. I always waited at least a couple of months, I wanted to know I was more than a quick shag. If you like someone enough then the sex is never bad IME as you both want to please the other. I've never had a relationship that ended the first time we had sex and never had a relationship end due to sex. I have no interest in sex with randoms I barely know though.

Ultimately, do whatever you want. Waiting obviously worked for you, and that's fine. But no, waiting doesn't make you superior and is no more likely to be the basis for a happy relationship than jumping into bed at the first opportunity.

I slept with my DP before we even went on a date, and that was 22 years ago. Still extremely happy together and I also don't feel the need to validate my relationship choices by bragging to random strangers about an afternoon fuck like it's a unique achievement.

The reasons I would always prefer to have sex with someone at the earliest opportunity are:

a) I really enjoy sex and therefore don't wish to abstain from it with someone I fancy. It's a harmless pleasure and I don't see any reason to deny myself harmless pleasures.

b) If I'm not sexually compatible with someone, I'd prefer to find that out early on, rather than building a relationship and then only realising once there's an emotional attachment that the relationship is doomed because we're not sexually in tune with one another.

c) I don't have any qualms about being open about what I want/like in bed straight away - I'd happily express that to someone I was sleeping with on a first date; I don't need to spend six months getting to know them to do that.

d) I would absolutely not want any kind of relationship with a man who judged women for having sex on a first date, or for how many partners they'd had previously. I am only interested in men whose respect for women is not conditional on their sexual behaviour.

e) If I have sex with someone, I'm doing it because I want to have sex with them, not because I'm attempting to cement the possibility of a long-term relationship.

f) I don't equate sexual abstinence with being 'good'.

g) I don't see sex as a gift that women bestow upon men and/or give as a reward for agreeing to a relationship. I like sex as much or more than any man I've ever slept with and I don't see it as a transaction where they get sex from me as a reward for sticking around in a relationship. I see it as something two people do because they both really enjoy it and want to give each other a great time.

Absolutely fine if you don't feel the way I feel. Obviously some people want to wait and of course that's entirely their choice and they should do whatever makes them feel comfortable. But your way is not intrinsically superior. I'm pleased it seems to have made you happy but it's simply what worked for you and for your mindset around sex. It's not better or worse than anyone else's shag schedule.

Well, you were lucky enough to meet men who liked you enough to hang around in that case.

Of course you were. You even blamed women for men having casual sex.

If wanting good sex makes me selfish then I'm happy to be selfish in this instance. God forbid a woman enjoys sex and wants to be compatible with their partner if they want a long term relationship.

Neither do I!

Same.

Cool misogyny bro.

(Why is the woman “ran through” and not the man?)

It's not about being 'good enough'. It's about being compatible.

For example, I would not continue a relationship with a man who didn't like giving oral sex (or who didn't like receiving oral sex for that matter). An aversion to oral sex is a colossal turn-off for me. But of course plenty of women aren't bothered about oral sex either way or actively dislike it, so that man would be sexually compatible with them and they could no doubt have a fulfilling sex life together.

Obviously the other traits you mention are also incredibly important! But sex is equally important to me as the other things are. We're all different - if it's not something you're especially bothered about, obviously you wouldn't need to include it on your list of deal-breakers. But it's as much of a deal-breaker for me as kindness, intelligence, supportiveness, humour, loyalty etc.

Don't do it, then.

That doesn't mean nobody else should, though.

There’s nothing inherently ‘special’ about sex unless you view it that way. In which case, feel free, obviously.

I strongly feel you should do what you are comfortable with. Why start a relationship in a way that you don't like? Sex should be about what you mutually enjoy. So if you both feel up for it on the 3rd date, great. If you wait for a few months and are both happy, also great. My DH and I had been together about a month I think, but I can easily imagine circumstances might have been different.

I think the most important thing is that you are both honest about what you want, like and expect. Anything else seems like you'd be setting yourself up for trouble later.

(Although, would have to put my hands up and say 20 years and 4kids later there's a LOT less afternoon shagging in our house than in our university days! Can't imagine managing that any time soon)

I wasn't being a misogynist.

Obviously women pay a higher price for having sex by the fact they're the only ones that can get stuck with anoyher human for the next 18+ years. So there's that.

I've often wondered why it puts man off having a woman whose slept about and I think it's easy to take for granted the cool technology we have now but before the introduction of DNA tests, the only way to be sure a man's child was his own would have been if he was with a 'virtuous' woman. That is one that had gone to the effort of saving her virginity for him. That would explain the disgust reaction of most men towards promiscuous women and would make sense why it is so prevalent across society in that it's a natural reaction.

There's no real cost to men having multiple partners and in many instances is more attractive as it shows that he has proved himself with other partners so in a way it's a lazy way of having to go through the process of finding out things for ourselves.

That’s not why.

It’s because some men (Andrew Tate…) don’t like sharing “their” women, even if it was before they ever knew that woman existed.

There’s something in it for some men, being the first person to “conquer” a particular woman. It’s like claiming ownership over them. I fucked it first, so it’s mine.

Plenty of men who have ‘proven’ themselves with others are still dreadful in bed, and a man who has slept around is no more attractive or unattractive than a woman who has.

I'm so icked out by your OP I can't think of an appropriate response 😐

I can't help but notice either that there are those who don't view virginity or chastity as a virtue or being a good person. Mostly the reason seems to be because women enjoy it and it's pleasurable they should do it. Yet if this was 2 people in a marriage you'd surely view the man as being 'good' if he remained truly faithful to his wife, and 'bad' if he am around sleeping with whoever he desired, whenever he wanted because it was enjoyable and he got pleasure from it.

Just a though....

What happens to those blokes is they find somebody right for them.

Infidelity is a completely different thing.

As well you know.

Well yes, because when I was single I hadn’t committed to not have sex with whoever, whenever.

I have now, with one man. Should I not want to do that anymore, I can leave him and go back to sleeping with other people.

That's simply not the case. Women are judged for more harshly for sleeping around, and not just by men, by other women too!

There must be a logical reason for this to be the case as neither men or women, as a collective, view it as negative if men have multiple partners, it's just not a thing that has any bearing on anything.

It may not seem fair or just, but unfortunately women will always be judged more harshly.
Andrew Tate isn't as bad as most make out I feel, he just spouts what I would think is a 14 year old boys perspective of what masculinity means.

I think of it as a test drive, I never let it go past the third date. Imagine being with someone for 6 months and realising they were shit in bed.

There's obviously a difference between a single person enjoying casual sex and a married person ignoring their commitments and having sex with other people.

I enjoyed a lot of casual sex during my single days, of course it stopped when I entered a serious relationship with my now DH.

It's called sexism.

There is no logical reason. Just the old fashioned views that women 'give' men sex and shouldn't be allowed to enjoy sex, only men are allowed to enjoy sex.

But using the very terms promiscuous and promiscuity is in itself both misogynist and judgemental.

As a bi (shock horror, l’ll be damned twice!) 40 something woman, with a professional job, l’ve enjoyed a fair number of special friendships over the years. That does not make me a lesser person or inferior.

I’m just not interested in having sex before the emotional and intellectual connection is in place. I’m not wired that way. I understand theoretically why people want sex without the deeper connection in place, but I don’t truly understand it because it feels so bizarre to me.

I wasn't stating anything from a 'fault perspective'. It's hard not to notice how selfish and shallow the women are on here that prioritise the quality of their own orgasms as being at the top of the list when considering a relationship. It may be worth considering that the more men you sleep with the higher bar this becomes as inevitably sleeping with a high number of men you are more likely to experience those who are 'better in bed', rather than viewing sex as being a special part that you and the other person share together.

This is some nonsense you've made up. There is nothing shallow or selfish about also expecting to have a satisfying sex life, with orgasms. And no the bar doesn't become higher - I mean how would you know, anyway, what with your chaste ways?

Another problem with promiscuity is you get women with an expectation of the big muscles, great in bed with a great income and they sleep with them with the misconception that because they can have sex with them they would be interested in a relationship with them. This constant rejection is very damaging to anyone who goes through it which we're seeing more and more, no thanks to social media.

Again, you have no idea. We were all a bunch of cute goth and rock kids with barely a cent to our names, and I never felt rejected - I sometimes had to let the guy know that it was just sex though when they were hoping for something more, but that's it.

The 'ran through' comment could have been more cleverly thought out, but being honsst that is how it is thought of by the other sex.

What kind of gross, misogynist arsehole men do you know then? DH knows I had a fun youth and had far more partners than him, he doesn't give a shit.