Feeling pushed out of DGC life

[NannyJignea]

Hi all, I have 2 children, my son is 25, he has 3 children a 5 year old and twin 3 year olds. Obviously he was young when he became a dad but he and his partner were always amazing parents.

In January he and his partner broke up, he’s a joiner but works for the council so not making loads and decided on a one bedroom flat. He has children every other Saturday night from 4pm and until 5pm on Sunday.
Now we only see the children for a few hours on a Sunday afternoon every other week. My son likes them to stay at his on the Saturday night.
We have asked their mum if we could have them the Friday before but she said no as they have tennis on a Saturday morning, we have offered to take them to tennis, still no. We have asked if we could even have them for dinner one night a week or fortnight - still no.

Mum works in a school nursery so she has said we can have the children on in service days, but otherwise we arrange it through our son.

I have asked our son to have the children all weekend every other week and they can stay with us on the Friday but he has said no he’s happy as is.

In addition to this, they have agreed the children will always spend Christmas with mum, so we won’t see them until Boxing Day. They also spent birthday with mum but she did invite us to their party on the weekend before and out for dinner on their actual birthday.

Tomorrow is our eldest granddaughters first day of school, we had the children today as it was in service day. When mum picked them up I asked if we could go over and see them off in the morning, she said no she just wanted it to be her the children and my son as otherwise they would be overwhelmed.

We bought our eldest granddaughter her blazer (which is stupidly expensive), lelli kellys and her school bag and coat, and nursery shoes, bag and coats for the twins. We always spoil them when we have them here etc.

Am I being unreasonable to feel it’s not fair how little we are seeing them, and that mum is being quite controlling?

Apologies if I have missed something.. but it sounds it would be helpful for all involved if you learnt to drive.

Your son is 25, I’m guessing you are 60 or under? Never too late to learn. I genuinely think as you want to see your grandchildren much more often this is the clincher.

If this isn’t an option you’ll have to work with what you can already do. It sounds like you see them reasonably regularly considering.

The more I read of this thread the more I think this is just rage bait to be honest.

How can anyone be so oblivious about their own child's lack of involvement

I think you need to step back for a bit until the parents have got their priorities sorted out. The children have got enough going on in their lives without having to meet your emotional needs as well. It’s great that you want to stay close tothe GC, and I am sure in time you will but if you keep pushing you will just end up winding everyone up.

Would your son or DIL be happy with you FaceTiming or calling the GC on a regular basis, or sending photos and short messages via the parents email?

You’re making a lot of excuses for you son. Surely you can see that none of those excuses legitimise having his children on day in 14? What if mum started saying she could only have them 1 night in 14 too. I doubt you’d be excusing her if she suddenly said arranging her job around child care was too hard and so she’d have then on a Sunday once a fortnight! Get a childminder, breakfast club or use taxis. He’s a deadbeat dad who is probably realising he never got to be young and so is enjoying having no responsibility now.

Why don’t you drive? If spending more time with your grandchildren is important to you book driving lessons so that you can be more flexible regarding when you see them.

Sorry but you see them every other week that’s more than a lot of Grandparents get. If you make too much of an issue this could become less - did you want to chance antagonising a difficult situation that hasn’t properly settled yet.

So he picks the easy bits that don't inconvenience him and you're blaming the mum that it's not more? And he's said he's happy as he is?

The mum is right to give them stability and not have them passed from pillar to post. When they are older hopefully you can build on your relationship. They are so small at the moment and 3 and 5yos can't be as flexible as you seem to need in your situation.

Are you unable to drive due to health reasons?

I do feel for you. It would be nice for the mum to let you have the kids on her time. But as you know, she doesn't have to and it is upto your son. Since your son sees them so little, I understand he wants to be with them. If you want to see them more. Son should fight more custody time. Even if it was few evenings during the week and they could come for dinner. Otherwise all you can do is try to maintain a good relationship until they are old enough to go out and about themselves.

Agree with this. Was he very involved with the kids before they split? I can't see how someone could be ok with seeing their kids once a fortnight!

He could have them all weekend his weekend, he has as much say as there mum and he could have them through the week 25 mins is nothing and you could provide wrap around care for them

You seem to want to see them more than he does

God that old chestnut.

i ended up as a single parent to 3 boys and struggled massively (still do in the summer holidays). I was short of support, money and energy. We lived 5 minutes walk from their dad who convinced his family that I was blocking access to his kids. I received vile messages from his mother about how awful it was for him when I would’ve given anything for him to just love his kids and want to parent them. Sadly he wanted to shag his new partner and drop the physical baggage (his kids) from his life as they were just hard work.

Your son is not being a proper father and, if you truly want a good relationship with your gc, then own this and call him out, rather than taking the easy path of blaming the mum.

Let me get this straight:

1.You see your grandchildren every other weekend for a few hours and your EX- DIL has also agreed to let you take them on in service days.

2.You are asking your EX DIL to give up her time with her children on Friday nights so that you can have them.

3.You are asking your son to share and or give up extremely limited time he has with his children.

4.You are upset that you couldn't be involved in first day of school drop of and seem to take your EX DIL's reason personally.

These are not your children. You are expecting way too much and being extremely pushy.

Any shred of sympathy I might have had for you evaporated when you gave the list of all the things you've bought for the children. This doesn't mean your son or EX DIL are indebted to you. They certainly shouldn't have to share or give up what is now split time with THEIR children because you bought a blazer.

Buy a gift out of the goodness or your heart, not because you think you deserve something in return.

I suggest you get a hobby and start thinking of how others feel instead of just yourself.

Well this didn’t go down how the OP must have wanted. Awaiting the next thread about how her son has to have his children on Saturday nights so she can go on dates…

just to add I can’t imagine the stress and tight schedule the single mother must have while working with three very small children and a deadbeat ex partner.

And you are adding to this by making further demands and trying to take some of the time she has to spend having fun with them.

She sounds like an incredible mother doing it all. You should be so grateful your grandchildren have at least one decent parent who puts them first.

My mum was a teacher and dad didnt drive. Every school day we left the house at 7am drove 13 miles across town to drop dad at work then the coast to drop us off at our grans for school and then up the coast 14 miles to her job. She drove 90mins plus each day twice on the school and work commute.

25mins is a normal commute for school or work.

I work full time and I see my neices one a week. I see my brothers children twice as often as your son sees your DGC. I dont know why youre making excuses for him. They seem to mean more to you

You're always going to struggle OP as your son is really having bare minimum contact with them himself and because you don't drive, it's tricky for you to have convenient contact.

If you want more contact it needs to be effortless for her, if she is having to get the kids ready, supply everything they need, and drop them off and pick them up etc, then it's not really making her life easier and I don't blame her for not rushing to facilitate that., I'd do as a PP suggestion and have a talk with her and tell her you would really love to have more of a relationship with them and is there any way that you can make that happen in a way that is easier for her?

Why does your son not see them in the week? if he finishes at 4:30 and he's 25 minutes away, why does he not bring them to his for tea etc then drop them back before bedtime?? or nip over and take them to the park etc? 24 hours every 2 weeks is really nothing. Has he even had any time of work to have them over the holidays?

Your son is the problem here unfortunately, if he had them more you would naturally see them more.

I don't think anything she has done is unreasonable as far as you go. She has given you a day you can have them, even if that's not so often, she hasn't excluded you, invited you to their party. I wouldn't want you taking my kids on the bus if I can drive them instead.

Your issue is with your son. It's understandable that he wants his one night a fortnight with his children in his home. He needs to have his children more and that time is when you can be more involved. If the mother won't allow it, he needs to go through legal channels. Inflexible work? How do you think women make it work? They find a way. He can find a way. He'll also need to sort living arrangements if he's to have them more overnight. The current one bedroom set up isn't going to work forever.

Whole family is quite a catch eh!

Non driving grandparents that have isolated themselves in a village, son that has the minimum contact with his kids and won’t make any changes to facilitate more contact and makes 25 mins distance seem like a journey to the ends of the earth.

I think you are lucky you haven’t been blocked. I certainly wouldn’t bother with contact.

I live rurally, I drive a 40 min round trip for milk. I’m in the middle of a divorce and ex and I will likely live 15 miles apart. He can still
manage 50/50 custody though. Because although he has his faults he’s a full time parent and not a waster.

This is so ridiculous. I drive my child 25 mins to school daily. Another woman blaming DIL and not your precious son (and I am a boy mum myself).

Your demands re Christmas would annoy me. Seeing the children Boxing Day should be enough of a compromise. My parents would try to dominate my Christmas with my children, if we made plans to be at home they would show up on Christmas Day - their demands made me totally withdraw from them.

Why don't you pick them up from school on a school night then. And then your son can get them from your house later?

You sound like my MIL. As soon as she moved here, 6 years into us being parents, she started demanding one evening a week that the kids would go to hers after school and one weekend a month that they would spend with her at her house. If the other grandparents demanded the same (and it would be unfair to do this with one set and not the other) then we would miss out on 50% of weekends and 2 evenings a week with our kids. They need stability, routine and downtime with their parents in their own home. Not being passed around for entertainment purposes. Grandparents are an important part of a child's life but I managed to be close to all of mine without constant sleepovers and child custody arrangements. If my MIL really cared about seeing them she would accept the many invites to our house that shes recieved. But all she wants, like you, is set days when she can be the sole carer in control. You'll push her away with this. Plus...blame your own son not the daughter in law .... I know how that feels !!

If he starts work at 8.30 on a school day, couldnt he drop the kids at your house at 7.30 am, and you bring them to school later?

It is sad, because everyone wants to see children in a family. And i do think grandparents are important.

My parents divorced when i was little. My mum had custody. I saw my dad every second weekend.

I remember missing my granny (dad's mum) a lot