Should I be expected to pay more towards the house because my partner has kids?

[StrugglingSM28]

I’m in need of some advice please.

I have been with my partner for around 18 months now. I moved into his home and I rent my property out (but it makes a loss). For context, he has 2 children who are with us part time.

Recently, he has suggested that we re-look at all household finances due to things going up. I have always been happy to revisit the numbers, as long as it remains fair.

I’ve worked out that my rent covers 95% of our household bills, for example, council tax, electricity, gas, home insurance, TV license, broadband etc. I’ve also done some market research which shows that my contribution is the market rate for renting a room including bills in our area.

I have always been clear that the mortgage should be absorbed by him as I have no legal right to the property. We are planning to buy a property together in a few years time and will both sell our respective homes.

Recently, I have moved jobs and received a significant pay rise. In the last month, his mortgage has gone up by £800. And this paired with a few snide remarks in recent weeks is why I suspect he wants to look at the numbers again.

We are both saving equally into a joint account for our future home and holidays etc but more recently, despite earning more than me he has alluded to the fact he is unable to save more personally because of his other fixed costs (which all existed before we met), child maintenance etc. and other child costs. But that’s not my problem :(

I also do around 95% of the housework, including food shopping, cooking etc, so it’s not like I am having a free ride here.

So AIBU to put my foot down and say that I am already paying my fair share?

Ahh it sounds like the OP may be what is called an “askhole”.

Askhole: They are often (but not always) women who make frequently bad decisions with men, consistently put up with rubbish partners then ask everyone for an opinion on how to proceed only to studiously ignore all advice.

And repeat.

Id move back. Sounds like you already paying too much... your rent covers 95%.

Is this still going. Go and find a single man or older whose been divorced ages ago, so at least you aren't his 5th wheel

There is couple nearby....the reality of older man going silly over younger model. But at least they bought together and his kids if he has any aren't seen

what she said.

and it could be said over and over on this site to so so many women who for some utterly unfathomable reason, stay with absolutely vile men.

Dear op, would you update what keeps you with the man

Without ops updates, noone can brainstorm it for you

Yanbu. You’re paying more than your fair share. His kids are his responsibility so if he has to pay child maintenance why should you basically pay him back for paying for his own kids?

This is hugely unequal and I would be questioning my future with someone who could do this to me. I had a similar experience when I first moved into a big city post graduation. I paid all the rent and 50% food where my flat mate paid the bills. It took me months to cotton on I was paying vastly more and it really soured the relationship. Go carefully

I hear warning bells ringing. I agree your DP’s children are not your financial responsibility and you are right to be wary of contributing to the mortgage. From what you say, you are paying your fair share. It sounds like your DP expects you to ease his financial pressures and allow him to build up his savings thanks to your pay rise although he earns way more than you. I would be very careful. I agree with you - you should only do what seems fair. Good luck!

If you were only a lodger (without the additional 'benefits') then you wouldn't be paying more than you already are. It sounds like you are already paying market rate, and you wouldn't be responsible for the housework / shopping and cooking (other than for yourself). The mortgage is his problem. As for the joint saving for a future house I would argue you each contribute the same, otherwise if you split it could get messy. In short you should argue the finances don't change and if he doesn't like it you move back to your property.

I se the MN man-haters are out in force. You are not being used, but equally you are perfectly reasonable not to pay more.

Your current arrangement is reasonable. Your relationship is in early stages, and you are effectively paying the same as a third party (as you say it’s equivalent cost to private renting). If the cost of the mortgage has just gone up by £800/month, it’s highly likely that the total mortgage is more the bills you are covering, so he’s still painting more than you, but as you said it’s his house, even if your plans are to pool resources and buy somewhere. And rents are not related to the costs of owning the property, at least directly. Finally, also as you note, there’s no need to pay more than the equivalent private rent.

The housework thing is entirely separate and should be addressed.

Of course assuming you take your relationship to the next stage (and therefore ignore all the MN man-haters who say you should dump him) then as you say you won’t be in the “private rent” box, but will both be contributing equity from your current properties and would split bills.

P.S. if your rental property is making a loss, why not sell it now and move the proceeds into an ISA?

Sorry he earns more than you and now he’s using you as a cash cow. That doesn’t sound like a good basis for a relationship. Run now.

Run, this will not get better.

Congrats, you're a free maid that also pays his bills, he's living quite the life

He saw you coming didn’t he? Could you come round to mine and do all of my housework and also pay all my mortgage and bills?

This is like having a cocklodger, except the house is in his name so if you dump him you will be the one walking away with nothing. I’m not really sure what you are getting out of this relationship.

Financial abuse is a thing. Personally I'd re-evaluate the whole relationship. He seems to be taking you for a free ride. You're paying 95% of all bills (except his mortgage and child maintenance), doing 95% of the housework and making a loss on your own home (due to this?). He said the mortgage has gone up £800 but this is his to pay, not yours. He is likely pulling the "I can't afford" card because he knows you've just had a pay rise. It is also highly likely his maintenance costs have just gone up too. His problem not yours. Move back to your own home and let him get on with it. There's no way I would even consider buying a property with this man. He clearly doesn't know how to budget or prioritise his finances.

Can you really not see that this man is using you and behaving appallingly? You pay 95% of his bills, LOSE money on your own property, and do 95% of the housework. Bet he makes you look after his kids too. And you have only been together for 18 months? And he wants more from you?

I hate how low some women’s standards are. The fucking patriarchy has made too many women believe that having a shit man willing to exploit her is better than having no man. Utterly depressing.

So he can't have it both ways.

If he wants to be businesslike and charge you rent, and not allow you to pay towards the mortgage, explicitly to avoid you gaining an equity claim on his house, then that's fair enough as long as that's up front, you aren't paying disproportionately much, and he has no claim on your house, either. He's charging you the going rate for a house share in the area, and given this is clearly intended to be businesslike, that is all you should have to pay.

But if he wants to be that way, he also needs to comprehend that he has no right to ask you to pay a penny more than the going rate for a house share, because he's made it clear that he's not prepared to let you join in mortgage costs, which would create a right to some of the house's equity over time. If he wants to protect his children's home until you are both ready to jointly commit, I actually think that's okay. It's what I'd advise any woman to do. But it doesn't sound like this is enough for him, does it?

He also needs to grasp that he should do half the housework, or pay for someone else to do his half, especially as kids create mess and they are not your kids.

He wants to be businesslike when it means you have no claim on the house, but not businesslike about how much money you have to pay, or how much free labour he can expect you to perform.

Either you're a family and all in it together, and pooling resources with the costs and gains from doing so shared, or he accepts that the costs he's coping with as a dad and home owner are his problem, just as the lack of any stake in the house is your problem.

We'd all like more money in the day to day, and we'd all like more financial security, but he wants both, and in both cases at your expense. He has to choose. Either your income is pooled as a family, so he can ask you to pay more towards your shared life, or it isn't.

He's got an especial nerve because he has a lodger right now, without her own room, who sleeps with him and does almost all the housework but has no claim whatever to the house. (Do you do childcare, too?) It's already a great deal for him! Wanting more money when he has that arrangement in place is fairly breathtaking.

He doesn't get to say heads he wins and tails you lose.

How would he manage if you weren't there, sounds like you pay more than enough.

Read her previous threads. He expects her to do the majority of the childcare while he sits playing with his phone then if she says anything berates her for not loving them enough- these are HIS kids but her thinks it’s her job to cook clean and babysit

Oh god, even worse. I hope she sees him for what he is and gets out sooner rather than later.

This sounds unbalanced in his favour as it is.

He is a cheeky fucker. Why on earth are you doing all the drudge work??

Move out your tenants at the end of agreed time and leave him…