Should I be expected to pay more towards the house because my partner has kids?

[StrugglingSM28]

I’m in need of some advice please.

I have been with my partner for around 18 months now. I moved into his home and I rent my property out (but it makes a loss). For context, he has 2 children who are with us part time.

Recently, he has suggested that we re-look at all household finances due to things going up. I have always been happy to revisit the numbers, as long as it remains fair.

I’ve worked out that my rent covers 95% of our household bills, for example, council tax, electricity, gas, home insurance, TV license, broadband etc. I’ve also done some market research which shows that my contribution is the market rate for renting a room including bills in our area.

I have always been clear that the mortgage should be absorbed by him as I have no legal right to the property. We are planning to buy a property together in a few years time and will both sell our respective homes.

Recently, I have moved jobs and received a significant pay rise. In the last month, his mortgage has gone up by £800. And this paired with a few snide remarks in recent weeks is why I suspect he wants to look at the numbers again.

We are both saving equally into a joint account for our future home and holidays etc but more recently, despite earning more than me he has alluded to the fact he is unable to save more personally because of his other fixed costs (which all existed before we met), child maintenance etc. and other child costs. But that’s not my problem :(

I also do around 95% of the housework, including food shopping, cooking etc, so it’s not like I am having a free ride here.

So AIBU to put my foot down and say that I am already paying my fair share?

Right?! Plus a cleaner, personal grocery shopper and cook!

He’s treating her as a tenant not a partner otherwise he’d only be asking 50% of all bills not 95%!

Too right I’d be moving out especially as on top of all this she said he’s made snide remarks so he’s not even appreciative of all the manual labour she does. And absolutely no way would I be buying with him. I had an ex who inbetween making digs at me would ask when I was selling up to buy with him 🤦🏻‍♀️, some men are so delusional. OP can do better alone than being juiced dry by this guy.

In my brief foray into OLD I had several men who asked if I own my own home as about the 2nd question. I was expecting one of them to turn up on my doorstep with their bags packed ready to move in 😂

To be honest I’d end this relationship. You’ve only been together 18 months and already the division of housework is 95% on you and division of money is causing resentment. Move out and move on.

He would have to pay someone a fortune to do all the cooking and cleaning, it's $80 an hour where I live. Factor that in. Value yourself.

Wow! How have you not realised you are being used?
Leave and move back into your own home

Apart from the money, why are you doing nearly all the housework?!

I would withdraw any money you put into the savings account (and the interest accrued on your share) and put it into a savings account in just your name. It is far too early to be combining your finances like that especially when your relationship is so unequal.

18 months is such a young relationship, if he is already getting moody with you about finances and things like that you really need to rethink this relationship. It sounds like he wants a maid, a child minder and a free bank account.

I'd be very wary of putting money in a joint account...save it individually so he can't take it from you ...I wouldn't take the risk relationships break down.

Where a partner enables the other to pay the mortgage by virtue of big contributions they begin to be able to make a claim against the property. My partner had to sign away his rights to my house with independent legal advice.

I sort of feel a little differently to others on the financial split. And preparing to be flamed!!

You each own a property. Yours is rented out-I know you say it’s a loss but rental market being what it is, I can’t believe it’s much of a loss? Say you pay £150 a month towards it and all bills etc settled by tenant. You then pay £350 (at a punchy guess) a month for bills in his house, he pays mortgage which you say is 3x as much so let’s say £1000ish. So for the 2 properties and one set of bills, you’re paying £500 and he’s paying £1000. You’re benefiting from having most of your mortgage covered by living with him whilst he’s still covering his own mortgage and bills have increased (albeit you’re covering this).

Im probably looking at this through the lens of a full partnership but as you’re not married this will muddy it.

I would finish by saying you get an absolute ‘LTB’ for him making snide comments and you doing pretty much all domestic chores though!!

That’s awful they don’t even try and hide it do they 😆It’s crazy how it’s women who get the rep of golddiggers but so many men of today are complete users.

I thought this was credible until you said £800 a month.

unless you are living in a home with an outstanding mortgage of about 750k?

otherwise this is utter tosh

I voted YABU because your acceptance of being his skivvy AND paying into a joint account with this user is absolutely mental!

He’s a fucking leech.

Are you sure his monthly mortgage has really increased that much without his making any intentional changes? It's not impossible, but seems unusual for an owner-occupied residential property. It's also unusual that such a big jump would have happened unexpectedly (versus being a predictable part of the mortgage arrangement structure) so the combination of his NOT having discussed the possibility with you when you moved in and what it would mean for your contribution AND now making snide remarks is a little suss.

Anyway, if your finances are separate and you have no equity, it doesn't make sense for you to pay more than you would be if you rented a similar place, especially as you're presumably sharing a room with your partner. If his children are each using a bedroom, even if not there full time, then his payment being 3x yours is ethically logical, even without getting into the equity question. Also, it sounds like he should be doing MORE of the housework than you, given that the children are his responsibility. He certainly shouldn't be doing less.

Move back into your property, the currant situation is putting you at a loss and he's not even appreciative. I cannot understand why you are paying 95% of the bills, do you earn significantly more than him? Even if you do, that's something you do for a wife/husband not a boyfriend of 18 months.
You're effectively paying his living costs so he can afford to have an asset.
Slow the relationship down, 18 months is too soon to be living together anyway imo, it's still the honeymoon phase for a lot of people, look up stages of a relationship, and especially too soon when there are children involved.
If you did continue to live together, 50/50 on bills is fairer, mortgage and child related costs are his issue as they're his asset and his responsibility accordingly.

He's taking financial advantage of you to a huge extent. In effect you are completely supporting his lifestyle, and as well, you are contributing to the upkeep of his children.

The first thing you need to do is get control of your savings back, remove what you've deposited plus any interest, and put it into an account in your own name.

How did you come to agree to paying 95% of the household costs? I'd think about 40% would be more fair, considering that his children live with you for part of the time, and perhaps the same percentage of the food total.

It sounds as though he is living vastly beyond his means, particularly as he's asking you to increase your contribution! Or he could be siphoning off large amounts of his money into hidden accounts.

You need to consider moving back to your own property, and reviewing buying a property together, he doesn't sound financially trustworthy at all, as he's definitely taking advantage of you at present.

Why should she pay 50% of his mortgage if she isn’t on the deeds

and pay most of the bills

he laughing at no bills to pay or 5%

How much of a loss are you making in your property? I think that needs to be factored in, in terms of your contribution as to how much you are contributing to this arrangement

If you weren’t there, he’d be paying 100 percent of everything so I think he needs to recognise that he benefits a lot from you being there and would be worse off without you so shouldn’t be asking for more.

However the large increase in the mortgage is what he is struggling with and perhaps that means he can’t contribute as much to saving for the next house as you can at the moment. Savings aside, who will be contributing most towards the deposit when you sell your houses?

I would put your pay rise into increasing your house savings which he will benefit from when you move in together but also means it stays your money if the relationship didn’t work out.( I assume your savings pots are separate?}

I would then recognise that he’s struggling with the rising mortgage cost and suggest he cuts down his savings a bit if he needs to

When it then comes to buying together, you have two options;

1. buy as joint tenants and accept that you’ve each contributed what you can and you are now going to share your wealth
2. Buy as tenants in common with the proportion of ownership being based on what you each put in

Re housework - that needs to be addressed ASAP. Again if you weren’t there, he’d be doing 100%% of the housework so you need to address why this is not 50/50 and readjust .

Just re-read and see that your savings are joint so if you are going to start saving more and him less, either then you’ll need to work out if you’re OK with that and if not have separate savings accounts, contribute equally to holidays and then you’ll each have your own pot of savings to know how much you are each inputting into the next house purchase if you want to do the tenants in common approach I mentioned.

Also when you say his extra outgoings are not your problem, they are a reality of the fact you are entering into a relationship with a man with children and these commitments are here to stay and they will impact affordability. You can’t expect him to just keep up with what you can afford to do, his finances and circumstances are different. So if you are to buy together/marry you are going to have to take that on board and work with what he is able to do

OP seems to imply she has a decent arrangement at the moment which on top of the significant pay rise she earned she’s broadly happy with.

The 95% of bills other than mortgage sounds a guesstimate. 50-50 food on top.

OP willing to relook at all finances so long as it remains fair but most assuming she doesn’t have a good deal or paying too much are focusing too much on percentages.

For example and this a just quick illustrative example:

DP could take home £3.5k (£2.8k after maintenance)
OP £3k
Mortgage could be £2k (+£800 pcm recently)
OPs rent & bills one third = £633.
Food £300@
OPs property ‘making a loss’ but we don’t know how much but say £200…

DP would be left with around £400 a month, OP £1867… if they both saving same amount too, take that off which only compounds it.

If it was a female in that position (and shouldn’t matter it’s a male) could be really unfair overall. There’s no way of knowing for sure though unless see the figures or know more detail. Gap could be more or less in reality.

At no point does OP say she thinks she’s being mugged off. Reads as she is content with status quo as all in likely she is getting a good deal… the 95% housework maybe even a way to make up for some of the wider disparity…

Whatever the truth, her DP clearly resentful so right thing to do be to sit down and see if it is unfair, if so work out and agree a mutually fairer arrangement (including for h/work) etc.

Not only that and TBC but OPs rent equivalent (market rate) equates to 95% bills, in a standard rental if reading it correct, share of those said bills would usually be on top.

Part of the problem is trying to be together (living/savings) but separate at the same time. Would be easier if all in or all out.

Yes, I'm unconvinced by this notion.

OP, you've got yourself a cocklandlord there. This is not a good basis for a permanent relationship.

read it again

I wasn't saying it was a fair split, I said OP was being "more than fair financially" as things stand (ie without paying towards the mortgage) and that she "definitely shouldn't be doing 95% of the housework".

My middle para was just pointing out that PPs had misread that OP was paying 95% of expenses including the mortgage and that wasn't the case (thankfully!). I'm totally on OP's side though here, he's absolutely a chancer just to be very clear.

Oh.. it's you. i just realised.

How many times are you going to post on here about this?

You have your own home, those are not your children.

give your tenants notice, dump his fucking lazy, money grabbing arse, move home, and save yourself.

You're wasting time on a waste of time.

I really cannot stand the 'but i love him' crew.. how on earth can you love a man who treats you like such shite, and with such contempt.

FFS, get a grip, and a life.

👏 @Kreepture.

100% - why post numerous threads about what a lazy useless tightarsed low effort twat you’re shacked up with and then take no notice of every bit of good advice?

The OP knows he’s a waste of space - she needs to move out and stop paying him handsomely for the privilege of being his childminder and housemaid otherwise there’ll be repeated threads over the next few years each one about him being a useless lump and she’ll take no notice of what’s being said and carry on being mugged off.