To feel like I’ve wasted my life

[WastedMyPotential]

I’m 26, live at home and have no chance of buying a house before I’m 30.

I’ve spent the last three years doing a job I’ve hated, because I thought it was right for me. Get to the end, I’m a couple of months away from qualifying as a solicitor, and I realise how much I hate it, so I’m starting over in the NHS soon. (Three days before qualifying)

I’ve got two degrees and a potential masters (if I resit the exams), but what do I have to show for it? I’ve never had a relationship because I’ve focussed on university and exams since I was 18. I’m still on minimum wage, I’ve got nothing really going for me.

I just feel like I’ve completely wasted my life. I’ve qualified as a solicitor when I hate it, I’ve done everything my family expected of me, and I still feel empty and hopeless. I just wonder “what was the point”

I'm guessing that this in tongues in cheek, but the two children and the husband are out of your control.

It sounds as though you should have enough money to do some travelling and pursue some hobbies and you have the skills to find a job that at least interests you. If you concentrate on that you are are much more likely to meet interesting people and meet a partner and you might be lucky enough to have children - but even if you don't you won't have wasted your life.

Hi ya lovely lady l am a lot of years in front of you , life has only started don't give up . I started as a car engineer for 20 years , l had an accident at work could no longer work in that industry was married as well . So l went to the tax office ended up as a security officer went to a tax inspector and area tax inspector, all things are possible even at your young age don't give up , very good luck with your nhs career and l hope you learn to enjoy life again and hope you find fun and a great life .very good luck ,many young people work in nhs as well , a home , children and loving familly .William

You haven’t wasted your life. You are only 26. I am in my mid 30s and I hardly know anyone who bought a property before they turned 30. Life isn’t a tick box exercise, aim for the things that bring you happiness. If a relationship and starting a family are so important to you, why have you not been prioritising that? Personally I think it’s great to focus on building a career and independence before starting a family, but you sound thoroughly despondent. You have your whole life ahead of you and it’s what you make of it.

I’m not being goady, but you’re making it sound like marrying ‘the right person’ is a cure-all for life’s problems.

And finding a good romantic partner isn’t as simple as you make it sound - and people change! The person you fell in love with and got married to won’t stay the same the whole time you’re married to them.

You’re over-simplifying this a bit, I think!

OP, you are (scarily) similar to how I was at your age, I'm now 30 so not much older, however my life has changed a lot during the past 4 years.

I worked for the NHS and lived with my parents, all I wanted was to become a mum, a partner and have a house, but I couldn't find anyone suitable. I have a degree and worked in that field (psychology) but was never massively ambitious and wasn't interested in doing the doctorate/any further training. I also like F1, going to cosy cottages and eating/reading all snuggled up etc!

Anyway, I very quickly met my now partner, we have a house together and 3 years later we now have a baby, a little boy. Motherhood is everything I dreamed of and more, I adore it and it does feel like my life is now complete. I never found any meaning through work, but I have found meaning through nurturing my little boy.

You too will find someone suitable and have everything you dreamed of, in the moment its easy to overlook how young you are. I would think time is running about, but it really, really isnt. I also just wanted to say that I relate to your desire to be a mother and to just be happy in a job that allows you to live. I'm lucky enough to have just handed in my notice and I'm going to spend the next few years off with my baby. I know it's not for everyone but it's all I've ever wanted.

Good luck, you will find what you want. I'm just a normal, run of the mill person too, there's nothing wrong with that, imo. Feel free to PM me if you want to speak to someone with common ground x

I think I’m going to plan another trip I’ve always wanted to do, but always waited to do because of the fact nobody around me wanted to come - I want to do the south of France and Monaco (just for a day visit!) by rail. So I’ll start budgeting for that one

On the plus side OP, you:

1. Are highly educated and if you wished to could earn a packet
2. Are young (get to 35 and you'll understand)
3. Can date and eventually marry in the next decade
4. Have living, supportive parents
5. Have stable accommodation and food

Came on to say I relate but I'm 37 and my life is heading towards being pretty bleak. Imagine 40 year old you looking back and wishing she was you, with a life full of opportunities ahead of you!

That sounds lovely 😍 I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful time.

Congratulations! This is exactly what I see my life as - a job that gets me by, but with so much more outside of it. I think another thing I struggle with is my friends being all over the country. We finished uni during Covid and it meant we all went home (because we didn’t want to be locked down on our own away from home), got jobs at home, and now all live apart. I feel like I need to get into my new job and get some social connections through there because I really do struggle without it at work

How about going out and living your life before giving it up for this type of life? I have all that now but fondly remember life without such a mental load. There's also no guarantee you'll have this type of life either and even if you do it's not always easy. Go live and love your own life before looking to add more to it. Travel if that's what you want, I did that for two years and I don't regret a second of it.

On the contrary, you’d be wasting your life if you continued as a solicitor when you hate it. Far better to get out now (and not get used to the pay) as you have plenty of your working life left to do something more fulfilling.

Also, your qualifications are not wasted - the skills you will have acquired during your TC are transferable.

I think you should personally raise a fucking glass at being out of what is a toxic profession (trust me, at 46 with 2 young kids and a whopping mortgage - and we can’t sell for numerous reasons, it’s too late for me - you are blessed)

Most people don't get that until their 30s/40s. You've got ages.

The environment you're in sounds stifling. I wonder if you changed office/job you'd feel much better.

I was reading an article recently and it was saying how if you had a best friend at work, it made things so much easier to go in every day.

If you're lonely at work, it makes things much harder.

That sounds like you. It may be you could have a better time even within the legal world, if you had the opportunity to connect with young people like yourself on a daily basis but as things stand you're all alone.

I had a spell of that when I was 24 and I felt so low.

Don't think that's it though, it really isn't. There's so much more to life.

Also, I'm another which is going to say a) being married is bloody hard work b) kids are even harder work and c) I've stayed at home and feel like I've wasted my life. I studied law but never qualified! And I regret that a lot so there we go... swings and roundabouts...

I do agree that I could maybe come back to the law. But right now I have no inclination to do so at all. I hate it and I just want to be free of it for a while

My TC was soul destroying. The hours poured into those two years and it was never enough. I could have worked 24/7. The atmosphere was awful because everyone was exhausted and stressed.

I moved to a different firm and it’s honestly night and day. The support, the team, the work - really eye opening so maybe don’t write law off completely, just yet.

Well done on what you've achieved, really you should be proud of yourself💐 try looking at some organised activity trips for singles, or maybe volunteering, so much out there.
Have fun for a while xxxx

I do think I need to learn to have fun without it being for a purpose

I hated a lot in my twenties!! It’s a very turbulent time. You’ll be more likely to have the things you’d like with a good job so I’d probably say find a role around law that you do like. The NHS is notoriously stressful and crap!

Be kinder to yourself xxx

What about Teaching English as a Foreign language? There’s a short course to qualify, and you already have a degree or two - with a TEFL qualification you could teach and travel your way around the world! Forget about what all the rich old people at work are doing, focus on doing what makes you feel good about yourself and makes you happy. “Your vibe attracts your tribe!” 26 is very young in the grand scheme of things! I hope all your dreams come true 😊

You should definitely make sure to qualify, OP, having got this far. You may want to go back to the law part-time later on. If you haven't tried it, I'd recommend trust & probate work. I did it on-and-off for years. It's 50% basic admin skills (you need to be numerate) interspersed with dealing with clients who are either lovely and grateful or so utterly greedy and appalling that it's a joy to thwart them!

Good luck and have fun.

Jesus Christ, OP. You're 26.

At your age, I had no thought of settling down or having a career.

I'd lived and worked abroad, moved between a range of different houseshares, and was wholly focused on having fun and new experiences. That is what your twenties are for. Not for buying houses and settling down. You've got your whole life for that.

While you're young, healthy and energetic, you should be making the most of what this wonderful world has to offer. Living at home with your parents and studying for so long has left you trapped in a life where you have little independence, variety or adventure, and you've not had the chance to spread your wings or discover what else might be out there for you. It's no wonder you feel exhausted and fed up, and that you're holding onto quite an idealised, and quite childlike image of a country cottage with a husband and two children as your 'perfect' future - you've not had enough life experience to imagine a life beyond that.

It's fine not to be ambitious career-wise - but it's not fine to want to place your future happiness on finding a 'perfect' man and having two 'perfect' children, because other people are never going to be perfect and you can't build your identity on something external to you. 50% of marriages end in divorce and your children don't belong to you - they are independent entities with minds and hearts of their own, and expecting them to fulfil you is asking for trouble. You may also not end up with children who fit your picture of this ideal. Out of my group of friends who have had kids (I'm almost 40), one was born with severe disabilities that means they will never be able to live independently, another had a child who developed cancer and died before their first birthday, and another's child has been diagnosed with severe autism. All of these women are now finding that parenthood is something that is very far from the ideal they were promised, and their lives have become incredibly challenging in different ways as a result. I'm not saying this will happen to you, I'm just saying - you can't build your life on a dream over which you have no control.

First and foremost, move out. Get into a houseshare and start making friends your own age. You need a social circle. Your friends are your life in your twenties and I had so much fun travelling and adventuring with mine at that age.

Worry less about finding the right job for you. If you don't care about work anyway, just do whatever seems fun and interesting for now. It doesn't have to be forever.

Forget about buying a home any time soon. It doesn't matter. Just save what you can towards the future goal of buying every month and enjoy yourself on the rest of your income. Being a homeowner is not the be all and end all of life and no one I know bought anything before the age of 35 unless a grandparent died and left them shedloads of money. Most of my friends are still renting well into their 40s and 50s (we're in London). No one cares. It's not a sign of success as a person to have been able to buy a house - largely it's about who has family money and who doesn't these days.

Honestly, from someone over a decade older than you - you're so young. Worry less, enjoy your life more. Without wanting to sound morbid, I've had friends not make it to beyond the age of 35 for various reasons. That has been a huge wake up call for me. We are not guaranteed an old age. We have to enjoy the time we have and not wish our lives away focusing on achieving some imagined perfect future that may never come.

In house lawyer, public sector.

I loathed working in the private sector. Did 10 years, had two small children and it was horrendous. Genuinely thought I was done with law. Moved into the public sector and honestly I have never looked back.

I’m doing a job that matters, that makes a real difference. It’s so flexible I can take my kids to school every day and pick them up from after school club at the back of 4. Salary isn’t at the lofty heights of the private sector but it’s still pretty good and the flexitime/pension/holidays more than make up for it anyway.

Do like people and sales? How about legal
recruitment ? Of if you like figures - ATE insurance? You also said you like helping people? Maybe a shift to legal aid law or
a charity? ( you won’t earn well but you’ll likely be happier )

Owning my own home is something that’s very important to me, my mum’s instilled it in me from a young age. I do agree re the social circle beyond this though, which is why I’m hopeful I’ll be working with younger people at my new job! I’m also not in a big city, or even a big town - so house shares aren’t really thing. People just stick their houses on for holiday lets instead. It’s really shit, but it is what it is.

I think I just always had my life mapped out in my head. Study, qualify, get married, kids. It’s quite hard to let go of that when it’s been your entire plan for nearly a decade.

Well done for completing your degree and also realising this. Personally I would quit retraining and get a job. Many people don’t use their degrees in what they expect. Save some money go travel and find your husband. Also get some therapy and find out why you have done what every one else wanted you to.