To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

[Theroadnottravelled]

I know I’ll likely get flamed but we’re staying with my PIL for a week (DH, me,DCs 3 &5) and it’s nice to get away. My PILs aren’t horrid or deliberately nasty but the food situation when they host us is pretty miserable. They eat like birds and just don’t provide enough food. We’ve tried taking/buying stuff with us before but they get offended. For example they’ll cook a pizza for all of us. 4 adults, 2 hungry small people. It’s a small slice each. And some salad. That’s it. Or one piece of toast for breakfast. Or fairy cakes cut in half. Or one crumpet each for tea. I promise it’s not a money thing. They are more than comfortable. It’s just such small portions. I’ve offered that we stay in an Airbnb and cater ourselves but they won’t hear of it. We take the train to see them (it’s a long way and I’m the only driver) so can’t take loads of stuff with us. Arrrgghh. So awkward but we’re all ravenous. How can I broach it?

We had to live with PIL for several months after we were made homeless.

I was breastfeeding and had a baby and toddler so was in the go all day and always needed food!

MIL defrosted all of the glut veg that they had in the freezer from their allotment over the years. So whilst there was lots of food on the table, we were eating things like 3 year old boiled red cabbage and 5 year old unsweetened Apple purée. MIL , I noticed didn’t eat any of it ( or had a tiny portion of it) but kept on serving us great portions of it. It was all edible but utterly joyless food which was not filling and so I was constantly ravenous. I couldn’t go to the shops as I had no transport and PIL live in the middle of nowhere. After a couple of months, I discovered by mistake, MIL had a secret stash of biscuits and sweets!!

Moving into our new house was the best thing ever. We were all relieved.

I agree with PP. Tell DH he either speaks up, or you and DC won’t be visiting again. It’s your responsibility to ensure your children are properly fed.

He sounds like a wet dishcloth. My adult DC would take the mickey, go to supermarket, order food in if I behaved like your PILS.

I agree with this poster.

Is your husband not starving too ?
How did he grow big and strong if he didn’t get much food growing up in that house ?
I would refuse to stay rather than put up with the situation you are in.

Nope - we're all English, my MIL doesn't eat a lot but she stocks up when we see them. Even if we're popping in for a bit on the way to somewhere else, she'll have nipped out and found some nice fruit on a twofer and insist we have some or something! She always has nice ideas for breakfast for my son which is lovely because he can be restrictive about what he'll eat, particularly on a morning, but he always has something tasty at Granny's.

My dad is like this… ‘TWO slices of toast? You’ll not eat lunch!’ ‘Gosh, only half of that for me!’ Etc etc I’m a big eater, but nothing outlandish, I’m a 12/14 but wasn’t pre kids and it’s always been the same. I just dig in and give a harsh reply. (Yes dad, im having a whole chicken breast. You’ll live longer if you follow suit.) My husband gets away with it cos he’s so tall, my dad thinks it’s great he’s eating loads.

Urgh I hate stuff like this, especially the idea that women shouldn’t eat. It’s almost performative, and like a badge of honour, how little some people can survive on. Something definitely needs to be said, but I can’t see your in-laws changing drastically so I’d start driving TBH so that you can take more with you and pop out easily to the shops.

You need to match their energy as the saying goes - or their brass neck.

“Sorry we’d love to see you and stay again but we need to agree some ground rules. We are often hungry when we stay with you and want to eat like we do at home. So we can stay home or in an Airbnb or you permit us to provide and cook the food we’d like at yours at our expense obviously. What do you prefer?” Any comments on your food preferences etc “ well, we’re all different aren’t we? Best change the subject so we all get on”.

I worked with a colleague whose (affluent) parents were like this. Even as a grown adult she and her DH would have to have miserable Christmases with strictly one potato each to go with miserly portions of turkey sprouts etc and a glass of water. As children they'd be made to go on long walks before they could be allowed an apple. She would often beg food from neighbours.

At Christmas as a 30 year old woman she’d pack her bags with secret food stashes. I found that unbelievable. I just couldn’t live like that. I’d have to blow up and say ‘this is not normal ffs- it’s Christmas - and I’m going to eat what I want.’

Similarly to other posters they would get very upset if challenged. No surprise she had multiple mental health issues including an eating disorder.

I would love to understand the mentality and why both parents uphold this view of food. It wasn’t just her mother - the dad went along with it. wtf is that all about?

I would say that being ‘peeved’ is a huge under- reaction. I’d be furious that they were offended at parents attempting to feed their children adequate portions of nutritious food.

Your husband is part of the problem. He isn’t being nice- he’s forcing you all to be compliant, obedient and hungry in order to appease his parents. I would genuinely struggle to have any respect for a man who lets his children go hungry so he can pretend everything is OK. Is he as spineless as a sack of wet shit in all areas of life, or just around his parents?

I would stop visiting them, and would invite them to yours. Getting the train with kids and all your luggage is already tricky- you can’t start hauling a week’s worth of groceries across the country as well.

Don't your kids get really miserable and badly behaved when hungry? Mind would have done at that age.
I agree with.others. Your husvamd is choosing to not rock the boat over upsetting you and his children.

No. He doesn’t get to opt out of the difficult stuff when it’s affecting his wife and children. They’re his parents. He can carry on eating like a bird to keep the peace, but none of the rest of you should have to. I would either insist that he tells his parents what will be happening with regard to food, regardless of how offended they are, or you won’t be going. Imagine being offended by other people being hungry, just because you aren’t! Decide what you want - to buy in extra food/eat out/take food along or a combination of these - and your husband should tell them that’s the deal. They are terrible hosts. One of the most important parts of hosting is making sure your guests have enough to eat and drink. It’s basic. I don’t particularly enjoy having guests to stay - I find it stressful - but I always check what they like to eat and make sure there’s plenty of it. Maybe I should starve them so that they don’t come back🤣

Of course it's not a British thing, what a ridiculous thing to say. That is highly abnormal behaviour, to the point where I'd suspect you're not welcome. Your own parents sound extreme at the other end of the scale - 30 to 40 kg??

That’s what I was thinking, I’m not sure I’d be too happy with having to find a place to store 40kg of snacks and sweets!

I don't know the ages of these people but I wonder if it's the baby boomer generation whose parents had gone through the war and suffered deprivation, rationing etc and brought their children (i.e. these now older adults) up to think that anything other than the bare minimum is 'greedy'. I've seen it in my own relatives of this age.

I'd just leave

Tell your husband to visit on his own.
No way would I put myself or my children through that.
Weak men who are scared to say boo to his parents even allowing his wife and children to feel hungry is so unattractive.
I'd be parking and gone.

I said this before. Why do people put themselves through seeing family or in-laws when it’s not pleasant or enjoyable?

Theres no rule that says you have to see your husbands family at the detriment of yours and your kids happiness. They invite you yet starve you. One pizza between 6 of you ? Honestly it’s ridiculous.

The easiest way to cure putting you through this is to let them come to you. End of. Stop going to them.

Honestly some of the things I’ve read on this thread. One poster said they saw family at Christmas, and they shared one bottle of wine between 8 of them..

I wouldn’t tolerate this shit.

Have Christmas at your own place and eat and drink as much as you want.

If your husband is too weak or blinkered to do anything then it’s down to you OP to stop this nonsense. Why should you and your kids be miserable and hungry?

This sounds very frustrating indeed. I'd have to be as matter as ratchet as possible but also.crystal clear.

"PIL, we love seeing you but our metabolism are generically different to yours. The children and I are used to substantially.larger portions and so.we are not enjoying the time woth you because we are hungry.
I don't want to cause.you extra stress eith cooking so.will be providing snacks for us to eat between meals.
I'm.sure you understand ".

God my exs dad was like this. Only ate one meal a day and completely expected that that is what everyone with him would do also.
3 adult sons over 6ft and their 3 girlfriends all active and in our 20s.
I'm sorry but we need food.
He moaned for hours once after we forced him to stop for lunch after a 10 mile hike because we were all gonna faint.

My own parents barely ate (yet drank alot) and never really had anything but condiments in the house. However they would never get offended if you brought your own supply of food when coming to stay.. and they'd always pay for big meals out where they'd expect to get starters and desserts etc.. so that was better at least.
I don't understand how these people survive on so little though. It can't be healthy?
Well my dad died quite young and my mum is very ill... so I guess it's not the healthiest lifestyle.

Reminds me of this thread that is now in the Classics -

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/mumsnet_classics/1651633-Omg-such-anality-from-pil-Come-and-share-your-anal-behaviour-stories-lighthearted

Marry in haste starve at leisure.

Lightheaded in the context of a serious thread, but I used to have this problem with my stepmother. Finally one day I stopped on the way to hers to feed my children at a service station before we got there,
only to discover upon arrival that she had finally clocked how much teenage boys eat and had cooked an ENORMOUS amount of food. They were stuffed to the gills and we all had to own up. She was very sweet about it and said she was sorry it had taken her so long to cotton on. In her case, she was just naturally a small eater, and had simply forgotten what normal young people eat. I appreciate that’s not the problem for the OP and all the rest of you with these sad stories.

It's tightness and I bet they are as thin as rakes themselves and miserable with it.

Goodness, no.
I'm a boomer.
Our parents were so pleased to have access to any food they liked that biscuits, cakes and white bread especially were fed freely -only rationed by income.
Dmil was even more profligate, our plates were positively piled up with food, think
The Darling Buds of May.

It is an age thing, I spend hours at the gym each day and just don’t need the meals we used to eat. But we make sure that other people have enough food to eat. The commenting on what you and your children eat and drink is rude.