To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

[Theroadnottravelled]

I know I’ll likely get flamed but we’re staying with my PIL for a week (DH, me,DCs 3 &5) and it’s nice to get away. My PILs aren’t horrid or deliberately nasty but the food situation when they host us is pretty miserable. They eat like birds and just don’t provide enough food. We’ve tried taking/buying stuff with us before but they get offended. For example they’ll cook a pizza for all of us. 4 adults, 2 hungry small people. It’s a small slice each. And some salad. That’s it. Or one piece of toast for breakfast. Or fairy cakes cut in half. Or one crumpet each for tea. I promise it’s not a money thing. They are more than comfortable. It’s just such small portions. I’ve offered that we stay in an Airbnb and cater ourselves but they won’t hear of it. We take the train to see them (it’s a long way and I’m the only driver) so can’t take loads of stuff with us. Arrrgghh. So awkward but we’re all ravenous. How can I broach it?

You have a DH problem

Not a British thing.

I had one set of British grandparents who were a little parsimonious but we never ever went hungry at their house.

The other set of grandparents (also British) spoiled us absolutely rotten. They would do a big food shop before we arrived to make sure they had ALL the things we liked (fluffy white bread, Ribena, Coco Pops, Mr Kipling Lemon slices) and it was unthinkable to have fewer than three dessert choices at a big meal. One of those choices was always a Sara Lee chocolate gateau (RIP). I have such fond memories of staying at their house.

Exactly, mine would be so hangry and awful that MIL would order the takeaway herself just to shut them up!! 😂

And agree - who exactly is having "a nice time"??

THIS. Your in laws arent going to magically guess how you feel if you dont tell them so spell it out. You can do this politely - it doesn't have to be rude or combative. Tell them. If they wont budge then calmly say thats absolutely fine, but due to this, we will be staying in an air bnb next time.

The key here is that you dont budge on your stance, no matter what they say. You have a right to eat what you damn well want and if they dont like it, then you stay elsewhere. End of.

@Kindling1970 do bare in mind some people are not wanting conflict with partners because they couldn't have any as children.
My DH is like this and I'm still always trying to get him to speak his mind.

@Scarylett love that idea to serve ops DH small portions at home 🤣

Darling I thought after seeing you merrily munching on 1/8 of a small pizza I'm guilty of over feeding you

(Assuming of course ops DH is also useless and doesnt cook any family meals)

Just dont go. And when they and gutless dh say something?, "Sorry I am not prepared to starve my children and me on what should be a lovely family visit."

This has reminded me of my lovely (Jewish) grandma whose catch phrase was 'you didn't come here to suffer hunger' every time we visited. Food was delicious, home made, plentiful, and was offered as a display of love for us. We were encouraged to eat more, to take our favorites, to feast. And going home my parents would be handed a bag of fruit, bread, biscuits - anything we might like or need for the 45 minute journey 😂

She had suffered great hunger in her life and she knew she was blessed to feed her grandchildren. Sorry, totally off topic and not helpful, but that is what visiting grandparents should be like!

@Theroadnottravelled - don't dance around it or hide cereal bars in your handbag. Do an online food order and tell your in laws you're hungrier than they are, end of

So for the sake of being polite, he’s happy to let his children go hungry and his wife too?

1 pizza between 6 is absolutely ridiculous, even more so when 4 of them are adults.

I’d give him one last chance this morning to speak to them about it but I’d also be telling him you’ll be going to the bearded decent shop / supermarket and getting enough food bought and a taxi back and so he can speak to them while you’re out to day from now on a food delivery needs to be made and your happy to pay for it, otherwise this is the last time you’re willing to stay with them.

Tell them out straight, "The portions are too small, we are still hungry so we've brought our own". Done . They can be offered all they want. Youll still be hungry unless you eat enough.

Comment back on their food then "Goodness me, how do you survive on such meagre portions". 😆

We had the same problem with my late in laws. Goodness knows how they raised four strapping sons although, dh did tell me that as soon as he started working, aged 16, he spent most of his wages on food at lunchtime, having eaten sandwiches his dm prepared on the way to work to top up a measly breakfast. Luckily, we never stayed over but a visit to theirs for evening meal was always followed by a stop off at KFC or McDonald's on the way home.

How do they get offended when you need more food, is it like an embarrassment that they see that they’re not giving enough? I can’t imagine having a crumpet for tea!

I think the key point here is that growing kids need a lot of food - snacks, a variety of fruit and veg as well as fats like cheese and milk, carbs, and also something for a treat especially if on holiday! Ice cream or a bit of cake to enjoy time at grandparents.

I couldn't let my family or friends go hungry, I wpild have to insist on more food, order it myself, and if it upsets them and they make petty comments so be it

It will be easier to deal with their bullshit on a full stomach

I feel quite sad for everyone that the grandparents and the kids aren’t getting to experience the joy of absolutely being spoiled / spoiling your grandkids. We make sure our toddler eats well at home but know the rules go out the window when he’s at Grandad’s / Nana and Papa’s & enjoy seeing pics of him tucking in!

In the pizza example, I'd give half the pizza to each child and then say "Right, what's fit the adults then?'

Just go and buy extras when you are there, bread, wine, do your shop as if you were self catering, buy the stuff you need for meals and cook them, or go out to eat.. completely ignore their bird like eating and comments, and make comments about DH and the kids needing ‘proper food’ if they question it.

i think staying elsewhere would be awkward, but I dont see why food preference has to be a big deal, you shouldn’t be expecting them to feed you anyway!

My MIL is constantly shocked that my 2 primary aged children eat more than her, they’re running around all day and she considers a sandwich made with 2 slices of bread to be a ‘big’ sandwich 🤷‍♀️ it gets tiring after a while saying yes, they did eat a whole sandwich.

And the rest of that post?

Don't say the greedy pig thing. Just no 🙄🤦‍♂️You're not a greedy pig. You just want a decent adult portion of food 🙄

@Robin67 you come up with a wonderful strategy there to get take aways in and shops but then say...and if they don't like it your DH takes them alone 😱
Why would you strip the DC of their sole champion in such a situation which may see even less food with one less body there !!

My father in law doesn't eat lunch (he drinks it) and is very proud of this. For years, every single time we were with him for lunch he'd go on and on about how he doesn't eat lunch, he doesn't eat lunch, maaaybe he'd split something. And then comment on all of our (reasonable!) lunch choices. I let it go for years but once we had kids I couldn't let that continue. I am overweight and have a horrible relationship with food and am determined not to pass that down to my children (particularly my daughter) so I had a very, very clear talk with him that we 'would' be eating our lunch and our children would absolutely have a full meal every single day and I was very uninterested in creating any sort of 'diet' culture for my daughter and if he couldn't handle being around it he was welcome to go elsewhere. Just repeated myself a lot until he got the point.

I think in this scenario I'd put in a big shop to get delivered on your first day and be really clear that you understand that they have small appetites, but you cannot allow your children to be hungry for days. And then just repeat yourself every single meal until they get bored talking about it. Take over all ownership of providing food for your own family. Your husband should be supporting you, but even if he's too scared/worried/whatever about it, your only responsibility is for yourself and your children so you will just have to do what you need to do. Then for future trips, you could ask them what they're thinking about for food so you can match it (if they're doing pizza one night you can buy extra pizzas etc) but for the first trip just do a shop like you would at home - with a bit extra maybe for them - and take over every single meal.

I would have 0 patience for being hungry myself but would lose my mind if my children were hungry so I think you just have to suck it up for the first couple of visits and reset the expectations. Live with the repercussions now or otherwise you'll be in the same situation 5 years down the road.

In our family we wouldn't see a stranger's child go hungry let alone our children. My family feed you until you burst. My DS always had a good appetite and always had to be fed. What on earth is your DH doing that he would see his DC go hungry so he doesn't offend his parents?

As my DGPs got older they ate less but the house was full of food for everyone else and they constantly offered and made more.

I wouldn't go and visit. You can stay at home in comfort, your DC can eat whatever they like and have trips out on the train fare saving.

What about it?

My parents a bit like this when it comes to meals (very small portions or “we had a big lunch we dont need much for dinner do we”, however they do tell us to help ourselves to whatever we want inbetween meals. Thankfully!)
I would just pop to the shop and get some food if they moan “sorry MIL/FIL but the kids are starving/ sorry but im hungry myself and starting to feel sick as Ive not eaten enough.” If they get offended so what?