To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

[Theroadnottravelled]

I know I’ll likely get flamed but we’re staying with my PIL for a week (DH, me,DCs 3 &5) and it’s nice to get away. My PILs aren’t horrid or deliberately nasty but the food situation when they host us is pretty miserable. They eat like birds and just don’t provide enough food. We’ve tried taking/buying stuff with us before but they get offended. For example they’ll cook a pizza for all of us. 4 adults, 2 hungry small people. It’s a small slice each. And some salad. That’s it. Or one piece of toast for breakfast. Or fairy cakes cut in half. Or one crumpet each for tea. I promise it’s not a money thing. They are more than comfortable. It’s just such small portions. I’ve offered that we stay in an Airbnb and cater ourselves but they won’t hear of it. We take the train to see them (it’s a long way and I’m the only driver) so can’t take loads of stuff with us. Arrrgghh. So awkward but we’re all ravenous. How can I broach it?

Some of these replies are borderline hysterical.

Just invite them to yours next time, or drive and take a big bag of snacks. Offer to take them out to eat a couple of days too. We do this when visiting great grandparents, who don't have big appetites or keep a lot of food in the cupboards, and certainly didn't provide 'snacking' food when their own kids were young.

It's annoying, but I understand why DH is reluctant to rock the boat with his parents. I wouldn't say anything either. It's only a week.

Do an online food shop and get it delivered to the house.
Most places have the same day. Don't tell them beforehand and when it arrives breezing say kids like certain snacks.

Next trip organise food to be delivered the day you arrive.

My ILs are similar, there’s always a grump from MIL because all the milk has gone, they just buy a 2 pint, I tell her we buy 6x 4 pints each week and still need to buy more. She really gets pissy about drinking bottled water too, and god help if my kids ask for a biscuit, she needs these during the night when she wakes up - kids aren’t allowed but
their dog is! If we stay for 2 days they’ll have a 2
pint of
milk and a small half loaf of bread. There may be a tatty old satsuma and brown banana. I like wine so am able to have a small glass,
they have the biggest Gins of course in the evening. We tend tomoko out for ‘milkshakes’ with the kids so we can buy a sandwich was S lunch is cheese and a biscuit, sharing a packet or two of small crisps between 6 … by the way they’re very well off by the way -7-8 figure savings

As a Grandparent, I can’t believe you wouldn’t say anything or have a frank conversation about it. It is not on to leave your family or guests hungry, especially children. My children ( and their spouses) would tell me in no uncertain terms. If they were hungry they would raid the fridge or freezer and my grandchildren would tell me they were hungry. If you want to keep visiting your parents or ILs you need to be more honest with them.

I areange for a food shop to arrive the day we arrive when I stay with relatives. I dont expect them to know or cater to our food likes or dislikes.
Kids can eat away as the snacks. I usually make dinner at least 2 or 3 times.

Agree. Just bloody communicate with them! Your DH is being a wet lettuce.

I once went to stay with a lovely relative, excellent cook, very welcoming etc. I’d had a longish drive and arrived about 3pm. Things were hectic as they had a lot going on and I was helping as offered and agreed.
My ds was about 11 at the time and about 8:15pm relative suggested a chippy meal. Phew! I was starving and so was ds. Relative asked what ds would like - sausage and chips please. Off they went to chippy and came back with 3 meals but nothing for me. Nothing. I was so gobsmacked I didn’t say anything. DS asked me to ‘help him out’ as too many chips so I had a chip butty. To this day I don’t know why I didn’t speak up and don’t know how they thought a sandwich in the car at midday was enough until breakfast the following day.

I wouldn't ask, or wait for their permission - I would just order a take-away, or start cooking for myself and my children. Your children need to eat and they need you to protect them from bad food relationships your in-law's will inevitably create. Is your husband overweight? I only ask because my parents caused unhealthy relationships with food, on this fashion. I ended up overweight because I was sneaking food into my bedroom and hiding it, then when I moved out it was a free-for-all with food. The irony is my mother being overweight, so she projected her issues onto me.

They sound the opposite end of the bad eating spectrum - They don't eat enough. How will they sustain themselves when old and frail?

Anyway! Get angry, put boundaries in place. Tell them their dietary lifestyle does not fit yours, or your families. Tell them they are welcome to help themselves to whatever you order/make, but you will be enjoying your own food while away. If they give you their snide opinion, tell them you didn't ask for their opinion and it's not needed.

I wonder about men sometimes. If it was your parents, what would you say? Why are some men so fucking polite with their own parents. He came out of this woman's vagina, he can tell her he needs more food when he visits.

My in-laws are the same. When hosting, which is rare, it is always tiny amounts and no extras like tomato sauce or bread. I better make sure I bring my own water too because they never offer any refreshments. My parents are the opposite. They like to offer endless supply of refreshments, seconds or thirds for lunch and also offer dessert.

When we host, I am always offering a refill or more food at least every 30 minutes and often have snacks on the counter too.

Wow, yeah, I didn't really clock this first time around.

30 to 40 kg!!!

@banananas1999 Are you sure you have the quantities right here? That's an enormous amount.
Do your DC regularly eat half their own bodyweight in snacks and treats?

I think I'd just ensure the children were fed and sort yourselves out later eg go out for fish and chips on the sly. Adults can child with being hungry, kids can't.
My parents eat weird food that my ds isn't used to so we just say he doesn't like x y or z. They still think he's fussy but what 5 year old is going to eat a lamb chop, ffs?! I'm veggie so most our food is meat- free but they HAVE to have meat at EVERY SINGLE tea time! I'd happily step in and cook but my mother hates people using her kitchen!

I'm also finding it hard to understand that a low-conflict discussion could not be had.

But if it really would cause an issue to discuss it, and since it is just a week and your dh doesn't want conflict, maybe next time develop a family walking habit. Go for a long "brisk walk" just before lunch and fill up on food.

YABU not to have addressed this directly by now.

Tell them you need to feed your kids proper meals plus snacks (if needed) and you and DH also need to eat more as you’re chasing them around all day which is hard work!

Ask them what works best for them - they cook and check in with portion sizes when meal planning? Or another option is your DH is happy to cook dinner for everyone to make sure the kids get enough.

I had an Aunt like this.
Ten years ago approximately, I was recovering from drug resistant Tuberculosis and had lost a lot of weight. Stayed with her over a long weekend and no food in fridge, freezer or cupboards. Apart from bananas in the fruit bowl which she never ate (?). I got a huge Fish & Chips takeaway in the second day and gave her some. She still moaned about it though 🙄
Cut my visit short as I was used to pigging out trying to put my lost weight back on& not have my ribs sticking out.
Was a a bit of a psychological issue as I'd lost an on-off longtime bf because he didn't like me skinny, and having my food intake controlled by my insane Christian foster parents when I was young ... 😔

This OMG. You either offend by never staying again, or your husband has a conversation ahead of your next visit: "Our kids are growing, and we all eat more than you. We're going to bring some food with us/handle our own dinners. Looking forward to seeing you."

How do you approach? By clearly saying "that's not enough" and buying food and cooking it

I think you either ask them to get in an extra loaf of bread, some cereal and bananas. Tell them you need more of a breakfast, or you bring your own and ignore the comments.
This doesn't need to be a big deal.
I do hate those sort of comments, and know they can get to you, but you need a different strategy

This really is the best solution. My DH's sister is like this. He stayed with her having done a full day's physical work and was given a small boiled egg for dinner. He insisted on taking them out the following night and then mentioned not to be rude or ungrateful but I can't function on teeney meals and I'm happy to cater for myself. She was a bit embarrassed, but admitted they were a bit set in their ways and hadn't really thought it through. It has to come from your husband, though

So funny as my in laws are like this, but aren't short of money at all, they just eat like birds at their age and assume everyone does. Like you it's one pizza between 4, even when I was pregnant and my husband, their son, is 6 foot 4 and could eat more than two thin slices of pizza 😂

We just buy some snacks and keep them in our room when we visit to eat furtively or we fill up on things when we're out and about, that's just their way and easier than making it a big deal.

Pretty sure I’ve told this story before but anyway:

pils got fed up with hosting the extended family (they had three kids who all got married and had more kids) so we took it in turns booking a large house to stay in for a weekend and catering the weekend.

each couple in turn hosted their weekend and provided plenty of food and booze.

then it was pil’s turn. They were already pissed off because the cost of hiring somewhere and catering for everyone was more than the cost of food when they hosted but anyway.

so we went on their weekend. Friday was fine - we ate at home and drove down.

Saturday they’d prepped a picnic out, not enough food but dh nipped to the shop and bought a fuckload more.

then we got to dinner. Mil went into the kitchen, and the hours stretched on. And on. We were all getting pretty hungry. Dh went into the kitchen and found mil and FIL arguing about how to get the oven on - dinner hadn’t even been started.

by 11pm we were fucking starving. By this point we’d fed the kids (the other two had brought surreptitious food and they fed their kids in the bedroom, we had to get picnic remnants out of the kitchen to feed our kids).

then I was just so hungry I needed food so I went into the kitchen and got some bread.

mil started crying. She was so upset.

FIL started shouting at me for upsetting mil, I was saying I was hungry and then he got really upset and hit me.

i left the cottage and went into a nearby field for about an hour, really hungry and very upset.

when I came back in we left.

there were no more weekends.

seriously, this sort of thing can cause massive upset in some people.

obviously I refused to ever see them again and it was a good few years before I even considered extending an olive branch.

Yes I sort of did this with my in laws who are/were socially aware.

It worked to an extent, at least the DC gets plenty to to eat. I sneak cereal bars in my bag and scoff them when hungry. End up eating packets of biccies that I wouldn't normally but needs must.

It seems like maybe this has gone on for a while and that’s why it feels like a big issue. I assume they live near a supermarket so I would just do a small shop when I got there and if they protest say “we love your dinners but we have big appetites and the kids are growing so we’ve brought extra to feed us all”. My boyfriend is 6’4 and I’m sure my parents would’ve been aghast at the amount he eats as they were always shocked at the size of my dinners. But it’s just a difference in appetites (and my dad probably would’ve been pleased if we brought our own food as he was tight too)

I would find out what they've got in the house for us to eat, then go out and replicate it from the shop. So another pack or two of crumpets, bread, milk, a couple more pizzas, couple side dishes.

Just say you're just topping up supplies for the house as you know your family are bigger eaters than them.

But to be honest I'd rather just sleep in a hotel and then meet them in a restaurant for a meal. Where we can all order what we liked.

I wouldn't stand for them making disgustingly rude comments about people being greedy though. I'd tell them straight it's appalling manners to say such things.

Well, your husband should be saying it really. But he sounds like he lacks backbone on this subject. Maybe others also?

It’s rude plain and simple.

either that or a control thing but I doubt it. I am an over feeder and cater wayyyy too much (quantity and expense) for guests. But I wouldn’t have it said of me that I’m a skrimpy host!

you should be able to tell them. If they take offence to you buying your own just say “sorry we didn’t want to offend you by asking for more but we are quite big eaters- wish we could be like you!”