To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

[Theroadnottravelled]

I know I’ll likely get flamed but we’re staying with my PIL for a week (DH, me,DCs 3 &5) and it’s nice to get away. My PILs aren’t horrid or deliberately nasty but the food situation when they host us is pretty miserable. They eat like birds and just don’t provide enough food. We’ve tried taking/buying stuff with us before but they get offended. For example they’ll cook a pizza for all of us. 4 adults, 2 hungry small people. It’s a small slice each. And some salad. That’s it. Or one piece of toast for breakfast. Or fairy cakes cut in half. Or one crumpet each for tea. I promise it’s not a money thing. They are more than comfortable. It’s just such small portions. I’ve offered that we stay in an Airbnb and cater ourselves but they won’t hear of it. We take the train to see them (it’s a long way and I’m the only driver) so can’t take loads of stuff with us. Arrrgghh. So awkward but we’re all ravenous. How can I broach it?

Do they ever come to stay with you?

If so, what is their reaction when you serve normal size meals? Do they comment?

One would think that if they saw how much you eat in your own home (a perfectly normal amount I mean) it might make them wonder about the meagre portions they are providing.

I am pleased to say I have never encountered this problem. All our relatives on both sides are, and have always been, generous caterers.

And most people’s response to being spoken to as if they were three would be “Good, fuck off”.

And that, my dear, is what we call a win win. No one in their right mind wants to take such awful, rude, ungrateful people to a restaurant and have their own enjoyment of the meal they have paid for spoiled by petty, passive aggressive remarks.

It's time people like this learned that normal people like to eat and drink a healthy quantity of decent food, and if they don't, that's up to them, but they keep their mouths shut about it and ensure that anyone they invite to their home is adequately fed. This is basic stuff.

I get on wonderfully with my ILs and one of the things I like best about them is that they are fantastic hosts and generous to a fault.

I absolutely wouldn't tolerate this " Keep the peace" bullshit. I would be on his case so hard that broaching the subject with his parents would clearly be the lesser of two evils. It's not fair on your kids. It's miserable for you. Its unnecessary.

Deliveroo whatever you want when you get there

Organise a supermarket delivery for whatever you want, to arrive 2 hours after you doo.

Just Eat takeaways in if they underfeed you.

If they get offended and your husband stays silent, next time ( and every time for the foreseeable future), he takes the kids alone.

They are being miserly and horrible.

Don't stand for it OP. No justice (or food in this case) no peace.

I agree with others. Take food and let them be offended.

But what I would say to your DH is something along the lines of getting him to reflect that he can’t be honest with his parents for fear of offending them. And then ask, does he want his own children to feel that way about him? Because what they see right now is a dad not standing up for their needs, and as they get older that creates distance and distrust. Is that what he wants long term?

Don’t over egg it. Say it once and leave him with the thought to process. Let him feel the uncomfortableness about it.

@Figcherry has nailed it. Doesn’t need to be uppity or create tension (from your side). It’s actually just a fact that you all need more food so you will bring it. Preferably your DH being breezy and sorting it - as he should imho.

I think in such a dire situation I would be tempted to say, "MIL, FIL, a healthy adult woman needs around 2000 calories a day. There's about 200 calories in the piece of toast you offered me for breakfast, 500 calories in the slice of pizza and salad I had for lunch, and 200 calories in this crumpet. That means that so far today I have a calorie deficit of 1100, and I'm not trying to lose weight. Perhaps you don't realise how unusual your eating habits are, but you are not feeding us enough. I don't mind ordering a takeaway to fill the gap, but I really do object to you not feeding us enough and then getting offended when we take matters into our own hands. I'm not going to just sit here and go hungry in order to avoid conflict. DH might be happy to do so but the children and I will not."

Similarly for alcohol (the person who mentioned the comments about a bottle of wine) I'd say, "NHS guidance says no more than X units a week for a woman and Y units a week for a man. This bottle is 10 units in total and DH and I are sharing it over several days. It is a perfectly reasonable amount of alcohol for two grown ups to consume, and I would appreciate it if you would stop commenting on it as though you think we are alcoholics. It's rude."

I think you should stay elsewhere and take the offence at that point. Then you remove the conflict of portion sizes and can eat before/after visits.

MIL served small portions. The issue with her is she also grazed in the kitchen all day. She was obsessed with ‘greediness’ though, so small meals. She also thought women should be ‘slimming’ all the time and making a fuss about food.
Christmas dinner was also tiny served with a lecture about ‘gluttony’ (but she’d been eating sandwiches in the kitchen).
She HATED it I brought extra food. She tried to make me drink a 2 litre bottle of orange juice in one sitting as it was taking up room in the fridge.
when FIL died if became a massive issue as she would only have in exactly the food she needed, but there was no one to go shopping for her every day.
Anyway it was one of the many reasons I hated staying there, controlling someone else’s food is unpleasant.

Why should she?

these people are stingy fuckers and it's so incredibly rude to leave your guests starving. Especially children.

a single crumpet for dinner? These people are mental

Your husband is happy to avoid conflict with his parents but fine about having conflict with you and the kids by leaving you all hungry!

He won't/can't drive either-why is that? Surely buying train tickets for all of you is exorbitant!

I would drive next time, take the 'contents of the fridge, otherwise it would have gone off' and make sure you use the bread/ham/cheese and cereal/milk/biscuits to feed the kids for breakfast and lunch. I would offer (DH!) to cook one night as well. I would stay for 4 days instead of a week.

If that isn't any easier or if they are offended, stay in a PI next time, or invite them to yours. Or just tell DH to go alone-he will probably have to explain why which will be good for him.

What I didn’t add to my post above about my PIL being like this - we have gotten round it with my 5 year old mainly by either telling PIL what to get in for her (which they are amenable to because she’s a child) or bringing our own bits to store at their house. They eat later than us so she’s often fed earlier there before we eat after bedtime, and we have left frozen food in their freezer and rice/pasta in the cupboard for her so we can just grab that when we stay. She’s often not exactly having nutritious meals but it’s only a couple of nights so it won’t kill her and she loves the treat of chicken nuggets at Grandmas. I cook it so portion it for her and shut down the comments of her ‘look at all that food’ or ‘big tummy’ (she’s a very trim, extremely active growing child). I also take my own breakfast for her because the choking hazard of Dorset cereals nuts as the only pre everyone being up offering became too dangerous! They do now like to get in things they think she’d like, such as little sausages or eggs, though quails eggs (because they’re ‘child sized’) really made me laugh!!

Not in my experience, all my northern family & Scottish in laws are lovely hosts, & feeders! My dad sends us home with extra portions he’s batch cooked as “you don’t want to be cooking when you get home with the kids to look after.” My granny will still be trying to give us biscuits when we’re heading out the door!

@banananas1999

Definitely not "a British thing". My paternal grandmother always bakes scones and a Victoria Sponge whenever we go over for the afternoon (and she's a truly excellent baker), and if we're there for mealtimes, we always finish the meal full up. Plus she always made it clear right from when we learned to walk that we were more than welcome to help ourselves to any food in the kitchen. My maternal grandmother is so far the opposite that it's actually rude - she tries to force-feed guests so much food that you often leave feeling very uncomfortable, and guilt-trips you if you leave anything.

It is true that British social life doesn't centre around meals as much as it does in some other cultures, so you're much more likely to go round a relative's house for a cup of tea in the afternoon rather than lunch or dinner, but that's not the same as letting overnight guests starve, which is completely unacceptable.

@OpalPandas what a nightmare. You are right though, they get their calories from alcohol. Keep bringing it up, every time they talk to you negatively about food. Of course you are right to shut them down if they go after the kids.

I’d tell my dh his kids are miserable and hungry as am I and if he won’t stand up for them in his own family home we will never stay here again. Now I’m going to the shop to buy a big box of cereal, 3l milk, 2 packets of ravioli and a tub of sauce or whatever your kids will eat and when I come back I’ll say the kids are hungry and we are starving, dh said he’d explain it to you. And if you can’t do that dh we will eat a good meal and leave tomorrow and your parents can be offended, but maybe they will get the message. Now I’m off, you decide if you’d rather stand up to your parents or let your family go hungry.

Oh gosh this was my mother! She would make a frozen lasagne for one feed 3 (with a small salad), she would expect a small chicken to feed 6 people for Sunday lunch & sandwiches for everyone over the next 3 days.

I was constantly saying that she hadn't prepared enough food & offering to buy & prepare meals. She would get huffy with me responding that her portions hadn't shrunk since we were children. To which I would answer 'yes & we used to buy pasties etc at the corner shop with our pocket money'.

In contrast my (Welsh) MIL was constantly pumping food into us - every time she went into the kitchen to make a drink she would come back with a plate of sandwiches, some cake etc. Even if we just called in for an hour on our way to somewhere she would insist on cooking a meal & would press a box full of sandwiches into my hand 'for the journey'.

"He just wants a nice time", so he'll let his wife and children go hungry? That's just not good enough. He either deals with it or he goes by himself.

This is the most depressing thing I have ever read. Sneaky cup a soups so as not to offend PIL?

Fuck that

Order a pizza and get some vino in

@Theroadnottravelled are they visibly losing weight on such meagre portions?

If not then I would suspect that they are secretly eating. Quite possibly secret from each other.

There is something very performative about the tiny amounts of food being offered. The performance isnt necessarily being aimed at you but each other.

You say they are comfortably off. You/DH could try mum/dad, is everything alright with you both? We have noticed that the meals are getting smaller and are worried things are getting tight for you.

They will be embarrassed by that and want to demonstrate that finances are fine.

Some people just don’t eat much, or expect others to. We have friends who are like this, neither of them eats much and we get given very small helpings when we visit. Even if I ask for a drink of water, it’s in a small tumbler. They just don’t see it.

I guess your in-laws are like this. It’s completely down to your DH to speak to his parents and ask for more food. He doesn’t get to opt out.

Yes to this!
Also I’ll be conceding a no alcohol christmas for no one, thanks. They can come to me instead and I’ll enjoy a big fat glass of with my christmas meal!

You could have a light-hearted conversation with your kids infront of them about which food they like the most and what they'd like to eat for tea/dinner. Then say you'll take them out to buy the ingredients and cook it for your PILs. Surely no one would be upset by someone else cooking for them🤔 But then I'm talking about PILs so yes of course they can.
Id go out and buy lots of healthy snacks and give them to the kids infront of them. Do that enough times and they'll get the message. A slightly pissed of pair of oldies is less to cope with than hungry kids.

Your OH is prioritising having a "nice time" - but none of you are, including him!

What is slightly worrying is that your children are seemingly being conditioned to stay silent over this. Most normal children would say loud and clear: "I'm hungry Mum!" Do yours not do this? I can't imagine any of mine keeping quiet!

I cannot imagine what is stopping you getting on top of this. It seems totally barmy!