To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

[Theroadnottravelled]

I know I’ll likely get flamed but we’re staying with my PIL for a week (DH, me,DCs 3 &5) and it’s nice to get away. My PILs aren’t horrid or deliberately nasty but the food situation when they host us is pretty miserable. They eat like birds and just don’t provide enough food. We’ve tried taking/buying stuff with us before but they get offended. For example they’ll cook a pizza for all of us. 4 adults, 2 hungry small people. It’s a small slice each. And some salad. That’s it. Or one piece of toast for breakfast. Or fairy cakes cut in half. Or one crumpet each for tea. I promise it’s not a money thing. They are more than comfortable. It’s just such small portions. I’ve offered that we stay in an Airbnb and cater ourselves but they won’t hear of it. We take the train to see them (it’s a long way and I’m the only driver) so can’t take loads of stuff with us. Arrrgghh. So awkward but we’re all ravenous. How can I broach it?

Absolutely the same with my folks yet they eat us out of house and home when they stay with us (husband always cooks loads too) One time at theirs, we bought extra meat for a BBQ and mum started to put hers back in the freezer until I said something. We had a growing son as well so until I said something, they would always put bugger all out... They also aren't hard up!

what i don't get is why you do the secret extras thing rather than front up.....why so worried about offending?

@TheRealMagic that still doesn't mean it shouldn't be broached. Sometimes people need to be reminded others feel and think differently but around food and being fed it's quite essential

My dp were war babies 1930s and some other relatives still alive. They are/ were generous to a fault.

My pils are boomers and very mean with food as well but I'm wondering now if something else is going on because they have to control every aspect of their lives.

If they want to have guests over then they have to be more thoughtful hosts. It sounds like they are very set in their ways and are incapable of considering anyone else's desires or needs.

I would not care about offending them given what you have described. For starters, they have no reason to be offended--they should instead take it as a hint that are being thoughtless hosts and neglectful grandparents. Bring the food that you need if they are unwilling to provide and/or limit visits. The mere fact that they get offended over this just shows how everything is somehow all about them.

When it comes to things like Christmas, I'd draw a major line. It's your holiday too, not just theirs, and it should be a time of joy and celebration. Honestly, I would not be willing to spend any more Christmases with them.

If they can't figure out how to treat guests, people will not want to return. I would not feel obligated to continue spending your holidays this way. Why should they matter more than you or this time with your children? A relationship is a two way street.

My parents used to pull this. We would show up for Christmas and there would be sense of festivity. No effort to make anything special. Certainly no great food. We would get there a couple of hours before the meal and if I asked for a glass of wine I was told, "Not until the meal!" Eventually we realized that this was THEIR Christmas only, not ours, and certainly not the way we wanted to celebrate it, so we stopped going.

Christmases have been so wonderful, happy, joyous and festive without them ruining it for us ever again.

Ie we understand you've got a sensitivity to this but we need more food. It's non negotiable

.

@TheUnusuallyQuerulentMxLauraBrown Loved your comment! I laughed aloud at the bit about silently sucking your way through a packet of crisps.

You are so lucky not to get it!

But it takes two to resolve a disagreement. And when one won’t countenance disagreement that’s hard.

Then take yourself and the children additional food, or take them out for a top up.

Tell your DH since he's unwilling to rock the boat with his own parents, and you refuse to play bad cop for him to let him off the hook so he's not the 'bad guy' in this, he can survive on his mother's offerings.

Well, I don't know about how lucky I am. I never had parents as an adult, or parents in law since marriage, so maybe that's it!

That is shocking - everyone in mine and I law family are feeders! MIL sometimes forgets to put out snacks but FIL ALWAYS makes sure they are out!

My mum is under 5ft and eats like a bird BUT she is a feeder. I never understand these families

I mean WTF! I cant understand people that do this .In our house food is seen as a priority .I couldnt bear anyone to feel hungry on my watch.We dont have any DGC yet ,but hopefully in the future .I would die if my DGC/DC were hungry .Lots of older people say they have little appetite. But I wonder if its a hangover from being a child on rations, or after the war (meat still on ration to 1956 or something We dont go abroad often or on luxury trips. But like enough to eat .Some of these people have enough cash to be gin soaked, or have regular hairdos /nails /nice clothes ,Seem a bit cash poor when stocking up their meagre larders though!

I'm tee total mainly due to my father dying when I was a child due to his drinking and then married a heavy drinker who also died due to his excessive drinking although we were divorced by then as I couldn't cope with it.

I have family visiting in a few days and my online shop includes wine, lager and cider as I provide guests with what I think/know they will enjoy. That seems normal to me. I bought seafood for guests last week even though I don't eat it.

Yes my mum is very convinced of her superiority. She’s thin and has recently deliberately lost about ten pounds. She’s pleased as punch with herself. Went out for a coffee recently, myself and teenager shared a slice of cake, offered some to my mother to be polite but also to see her cats bum face refusal.” I’ve not had anything sweet since April” really , what do you want me to say? I said nothing obviously.

she’s 83. My husband for sport puts a pig in a blanket (one) on her plate on Christmas Day, she immediately gets rid of it onto someone else.

well yes of course, but also presumably you also aren’t a people pleaser and scared to speak up?

My in-laws do this and I got tired of it when I went over there with my kids while 7 months pregnant, because my husband was traveling for work and my in-laws needed help with something, and I didn't get enough to eat because that's how they run their kitchen. Did I mention I was 7 months pregnant? Never again. Grr.

My Sister in Law is like this - for 6. 4 adults and 2 kids of us - one M&S quiche and a bag of salad.

I'm not exageratting. She offered to cater lunch for the whole family once (kind of her but it wasn't unusual for one couple to have everyone round and do something relatively simple) - so 9 adults and about 8 kids. She bought 2 pizzas, a bag of salad, a tub of coleslaw and 2 garlic breads.

She's not thin either.

We are a relatively slim family.

I'm afraid we took the piss - a lot. She buys more now but she's got an air of bewilderment.

My granny was anorexic. My mother was so malnourished aged 12 she got tb was in a sanotorium who fattened her up.

Fast forward to my childhood visits. Dinner was a transparent slice of ham lettuce leaves and a tomato. Or one thin sausage burnt to a crisp with cabbage and a tablespoon of potato.

Mother would take us out for afternoon tea during visits.

@justasking111 your poor mum! That's unforgivable.

My PIL are fine (apart from a bit of penis portion nonsense), but we know to pack copious room snacks of staying with my SIL and family. Tiny portions, you go to bed starving if you don't.

They're both... not thin. We think they snack secretly.

My ILs are generous portion-wise but they eat at weird times of the day. They don't do breakfast, they'll go out late morning for coffee and cake, and then everyone is told to 'save their appetites' for dinner (usually around 5pm), which tbf is usually fairly substantial. But even so, one meal a day!!

Before DC, we were expected to adhere to this pattern of eating, and since they are very generous with the booze, it was fine. We'd all have a merry evening, roll out of bed at 11 the next day and go for a walk and stop for 'coffee' (at which point it was accepted that the greedier in the group could also have cake/soup/scones/sandwiches or whatever was being offered).

Post-DC of course, the pattern broke down somewhat as the kids were up early and needed breakfast, as well as a suitable lunch (and my older one is a fussy eater). I started making toast and eggs in the morning (breastfeeding so ravenous) and although at first this was greeted with perturbation, it's pretty much accepted now (with eldest coming up to 8 😂).

If my children are hungry, though, they will say so, and even if it's not a meal time, rounds of homemade bread, toasted with jam or peanut butter appear, along with large cups of milk. Adults are not accorded this privilege though!

My dsis is like that., She has a fairly portly husband and so tries to restrict his calorie intake.

However I have a 17yo who is growing, eats 3,500 calories a day and has the physique of a french bean. When we go to stay, I take a bag full of snacks, fruit and cheese, and tell him to retreat discreetly to his room if he's hungry.

I hoover every time so there are no crumbs left behind as evidence. 😊

it is honestly and absolutely not a boomer thing or a wartime thing. People who are boomers or older might do it but its not because they are boomers or from the wartime generation.

So much to say.

YANBU. These PILs would drive me nuts.

When you host you should, IMHO, make sure that you have plenty of food to meet the needs of your guests (unless the guests are genuinely the sort of people who will only eat one type of organic bread from Waitrose or think 6 fried eggs, 10 slices of toast, 8 sausages, 6 beef toamtoes (fried), mushrooms and two tins of beans is a normal breakfast.)

IMHO you or DP need to be explicitly clear about what your needs are, and if they are not willing and able to convince you that they will change, or they EVER give you a small meal again, you need to be clear that you cannot spend time being negatively affected. If it suits you to stay in a hotel and meet them for lunch or a day out, or go to their's for two hours between lunch and dinner, then that is what you do. If they have to come to you and stay near yours in a hotel then that is how they will see you.

Not really similar, but I went to a wedding once. I was driving. When I drive I don't like to drink wine or spirits because I find judging to be difficult. I like to have one pint of beer, ASAP after arrival, and then stay off the booze until I leave. At this wedding they were serving champagne after the ceremony, in the bar area. I went to the bar and said "can I have a pint of beer". They refused, saying that beer would not be served until later in the day, it was champagne or nothing. I left the bar, walked back to my car, drove ten minutes up the road, bought a big bottle of beer, drove back to the venue, re-entered, poured it into a glass and had the drink I wanted. I am an adult and if I want a beer in a place that is serving alcohol and does serve beer then I am having a beer.

I don't expect infinite choices or to get exactly what I want every single time. But when I am in a bar I expect them to be able to pour a beer, and when I am being hosted I expect the meals to fill me up.

Zero tolerance of anything else.

Honestly, how do you tolerate that? Her husband is greedy, and she forces you to buy food and remember to bring it. She forces your son to sneak around eating in secret. Get lost.

"My son is a normal young man, can you please just serve him a proper sized meal and make sure there is plenty for seconds. And can you please not invite people over unless you are willing to feed them properly your insane person and appalling host!"

I know you say you’ll speak to them but it should be your husband. Will he back you up at least.
I do think you’ve been very passive. You don’t need to accept it.
Eg one small pizza for 6 why not say should I get other pizzas from kitchen. If they say that’s it say oh the children can eat it, we’ll order takeaway.
Speak to them but if it doesn’t improve I’d stay elsewhere/eat elsewhere. Christmas at your house.