To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

[Theroadnottravelled]

I know I’ll likely get flamed but we’re staying with my PIL for a week (DH, me,DCs 3 &5) and it’s nice to get away. My PILs aren’t horrid or deliberately nasty but the food situation when they host us is pretty miserable. They eat like birds and just don’t provide enough food. We’ve tried taking/buying stuff with us before but they get offended. For example they’ll cook a pizza for all of us. 4 adults, 2 hungry small people. It’s a small slice each. And some salad. That’s it. Or one piece of toast for breakfast. Or fairy cakes cut in half. Or one crumpet each for tea. I promise it’s not a money thing. They are more than comfortable. It’s just such small portions. I’ve offered that we stay in an Airbnb and cater ourselves but they won’t hear of it. We take the train to see them (it’s a long way and I’m the only driver) so can’t take loads of stuff with us. Arrrgghh. So awkward but we’re all ravenous. How can I broach it?

if you are ordering a shop though, you really need to be clear why. And that if you come again do they want you to arrange a delivery for the day before, and what is the best time.

So if they say "no" you can just leave "the next time" open ended and just send your DH.

My parents were born in the 50’s, my grandparents the 20’s & 30’s. My mum and dad were from poorer working class homes but my parents and grandparents were all determined to feed visitors! It might not have been particularly expensive or “shop bought” (which was code for posh) but there would always be homemade baking & massive pots of stews & soups at my grannies & my parents would be horrified if they thought we were hungry! Visitors would always be made pots after pots of tea and slabs of cake.

Have to gently stop parents buying in things we liked as kids when we visit (it’s ok dad we don’t need Ribena any more 😂)

I was raised with a lot of tension and extremes with food, either there was nothing or too much, lots of guilt but then also bonding through food. It was a mess.

I still comfort eat and I love eating big portions of food alone. I can't enjoy it the same with people around because I think they're judging me, even when I'm eating a big salad and healthy stuff. When I was a teen my mom would say things about me eating too much, or "oh is that your 2nd tea?", not remembering that I didn't eat breakfast, wasn't regularly given money to buy lunch at school, wasn't allowed to make a sandwich to take because the bread was for her boyfriends lunch... so yes I was hungry after school and I'd try cook and eat quickly as possible before she got home from work. Some days if she got home early I just wouldn't eat because I couldn't bear the comments from her.

It's extremely hard to not sink into old patterns around parents like that who have trained you from childhood to avoid their reactions.

I'm a mess lol. Keep your children away from people with food issues please! I'm pregnant with my first and I'm hoping she'll be OK. I won't have her around people that make her feel guilty for eating, and I've found it easy to make healthy food or treats for my nephews and neices, while being neutral about it, so fingers crossed 🤞

It would have ended when she was a toddler/pre schooler if she was born in the early 40s! She must have a great memory

Rationing didn't end until mid 50s

I think the thing is, at least for my PIL, their beliefs around food, and the moral superiority of eating as little as possible, are honestly some of their most deeply held tenets. They talk about it constantly (and yes, that is very dull!). So it's not just bringing up a practical matter, it's broaching one of the very most sensitive subjects they have.

While I absolutely accept that this is not universal or perhaps even the majority of any generation, I absolutely do think there is something generational and cultural about this particular attitude. Reading Roald Dahl to the kids I was so struck by the absolute venom with which he describes any sort of 'gluttony': taking more food than you need is just about the worst sin you can commit (the only thing he hates as much as people who eat too much food is beards!). I absolutely do think some of this can be traced back to war time, rationing, and enduring food being short and so anyone taking more than their 'fair share' taking away from others.

When people come to stay i ask them what they eat. I then tell them what i have brought. Then i say if you want any thing i havent got bring it with you. I dont drink but i provide booze if they want anything i dont have they can bring it. They can also eat as much as they want because i hate waste. They must know their eating habits are making you miserable.

I haven't read all your posts. I was only responding to the "so you would tell your parents what to fo in their own home" one.

no but I would tell them what I was going to do if they weren't providing what my family needed. I'd do it politely of course but I'd do it....and if that meant staying in air b and b or hotel nearby, I'd do that too.

I better make sure I bring my own water too because they never offer any refreshments.

Is their tap water not potable @bluesunnyskies or do they hide the drinking glasses?

It’s not something you forget! Also rationing continued for 8 years after the war so my mum grew up needing coupons to buy a set amount of sweeties from the shop and seeing my grandmother with her ration book, collecting her restricted amount of food items.
My late Dad was born in 1939 and said he remembered being in the Anderson shelter in their garden, sticking his head out of it and seeing a B17 fall from the sky. He had a scar on his finger from shrapnel from said event, right until his death in 2010.
He would be 86 this coming November.

I’d say, “I have quite a high metabolism and need a few more calories than this so I’m feeling hungry between meals: I’m going to prepare some food for myself to eat in between.” And I’d go to a shop and get some things which need minimal cooking. They need to make sure people have enough to eat - it’s bad manners to not ask people if they’d like more, particularly if the portions are tiny. Who the hell halves cupcakes for adults? They are deciding you don’t need a full one, and it’s their determining of what other adults ‘need’ on such a stingy basis that would bug me. It’s weird control of food tbh.

nope I am a boomer and my parents were born in 1919. The parents of my friends were slightly younger but not much. I didn't know (and still don't know) anyone who would behave like the Op's in laws.....actually I don't think they ever lost the relish for having and sharing food in ways they couldn't do as children or as adults in war time. My grandmother (mum's mum) was the same.

Not RT whole FT but wanted to post to offer solidarity.

I had some wonderful older relatives who were incredibly generous in some ways and incredibly tight in others - the sort of people who would give you a nice book and a satsuma for Xmas but also help you pay school fees for a kid who couldn’t cope in mainstream.

Their food was exquisite in quality (biscuits mail ordered from Betty’s, veggies from the farmers market) but meagre portions - one solitary biscuit per day at exactly 4pm with a cup of tea from a pot.

If I (or my teenage son!) made any moves towards a second biscuit comments would be made re: ‘greediness’ (mostly motivated, I believe, by jealousy, as absolutely everyone present wanted a second biscuit but for whatever reason, upbringing most likely, felt too repressed to admit so).

I’m afraid I resorted to secret eating, taking with me long life items that could be stashed in my bedroom, cereal bars, biscuits, dried fruit etc, just to stave away the hanger. I also found that my elderly Aunty could easily be persuaded into ‘elevenses’ at a cafe, so with careful machinations I managed to steer her towards a suitable establishment at ‘coincidentally’ exactly the right time of day to justify a pastry with a coffee.

Also, ice creams from the beach van and at least one visit to the fish and chip shop per visit - suggested by me and happily pounced on by all.

Looking back I’m slightly embarrassed that I felt the need to silently suck my way through a packet of salt and vinegar walkers in someone else’s spare bedroom but it solved the issue with the minimum of conflict.

They recently passed away in quick succession and have left me an extremely generous sum in their mirrored wills.
I’m off to the house to pick up some sentimental bits and bobs this weekend and top of my list is the wooden napkin rings that sat on the table through all our teeny-tiny meals - I expect them to raise a wry smile from my family in recognition of our wonderful, yet incredibly mean with food, relatives.

You'll have to say this is not enough food for my children and buy some snacks. No way would I allow anyone to underfeed my child for a week.

Personally, I would ask your DH to call them (with you present) to explicitly ask them to 1) not comment on the amount of food/drinks your family consumed and 2) provide enough food for all of you or not comment when you buy more yourself. He needs to give concrete examples, for how many pizzas would be appropriate etc.

If nothing changes, I would stop visiting and let them know why.

Rationing meant your diet was boring as shit and treats were very limited but it was filling enough - no shortage of calories. Rationing allowed for 3000 calories per person, but more in some cases (miners and other manual labourers).

So it doesn't really explain the tiny portions.

I think it's deeper than that - gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins, and it's the one you will visibly "wear" if you indulge in. Food restriction and fasting is broadly practiced across multiple religions.

I can see why OPs husband is struggling to challenge his parents, he'd probably be going up against a core emotional pattern of theirs. However, he's a grown man and a father, so if he wants his family to visit them, that is what he needs to do.

Same here. I was born in 1958. Both of my parents were adults during the 2nd world war. My mum was not at all stingy with food. If anything she had hoarding tendencies, so we were never short of food.

I think we did everything - ordered shops there MIL still tried to guard food - took kids out for food and ignore upset - bought food back and ignored upset - expalined kids are growing and need more food on repeat - pushed back on negative comments to us and kids - so much so DD1 could as teen push back herself - refused to enage with competative undereating completely ignore it - and have them stay here more and more as kids got older.

Doesn't help Il have four meals a day but don't accept that - supper a thing for them and it's often another meal and not for the kids and me. Anyway they at least don't upset the kids anymore with comments - and do tend to feed them a bit more just took time.

I would order an online shop. If they question why just say well we like different food to you Do the dc never say their hungry?

Hard disagree on the booze. If someone else is tee total then expecting to drink alcohol in their home is entitled behaviour, particularly if their not-drinking is for religious reasons or because of an addiction.
But they should of course provide sufficient food and soft drinks for their guests.

They don't like you very much don't bother going over. Why do you?

Some older people not only have smaller appetites themselves but, as previous posters have said, they forget how much growing children and normal adults eat. My MIL used to tell the story of when dh and his brother went to stay with their grandparents for a week. MIL warned her MIL that the boys would eat a lot and was airily dismissed by her MIL - until the end of the first day, when the boys had eaten a whole loaf of bread between them, when she rang my MIL in shock at how much the boys needed to eat! She did make sure that they had enough in the house after that.

My mum was different - we had very controlled portions when I was a kid, partly because we lived in the middle of nowhere, mum didn't drive and there were no shops, so she had to make the food in the house last as long as it was supposed to last - replenishing was not an option. But when we visited with the boys, there was plenty of food, and second helpings on offer. She even horrified my BIL by letting ds1 have a second slice of the hand raised game pie he and my sister had brought as a contribution to the meal. He thought it was way too good for children. Mum ignored his huffing, gave ds1 the extra slice, and wrapped up the rest of the pie for us to take home with us!

Hard disagree on the booze. If someone else is tee total then expecting to drink alcohol in their home is entitled behaviour, particularly if their not-drinking is for religious reasons or because of an addiction.

I somewhat agree (especially if for religious or addiction reasons), but if it's just that they're judgey about it then expecting people to traipse to you for Christmas AND give up the Christmas booze is a bit much.

Pil are like this. Also offended if we try to make other plans, offer to cook etc.

I now take secret extras.i give kids a massive meal before arriving and keep a bag of extras in the car to top us all up.

My kids are right on the cusp of underweight and need the food.

I agree with both of you with the caveat that if you want alcohol at Christmas in a teetotal household where they’re happy for you to drink you should provide your own.