To get a bit peeved at MIL/PIL tightness?

[Theroadnottravelled]

I know I’ll likely get flamed but we’re staying with my PIL for a week (DH, me,DCs 3 &5) and it’s nice to get away. My PILs aren’t horrid or deliberately nasty but the food situation when they host us is pretty miserable. They eat like birds and just don’t provide enough food. We’ve tried taking/buying stuff with us before but they get offended. For example they’ll cook a pizza for all of us. 4 adults, 2 hungry small people. It’s a small slice each. And some salad. That’s it. Or one piece of toast for breakfast. Or fairy cakes cut in half. Or one crumpet each for tea. I promise it’s not a money thing. They are more than comfortable. It’s just such small portions. I’ve offered that we stay in an Airbnb and cater ourselves but they won’t hear of it. We take the train to see them (it’s a long way and I’m the only driver) so can’t take loads of stuff with us. Arrrgghh. So awkward but we’re all ravenous. How can I broach it?

My dh described his teenage years as “fraught”.

but seriously, the hitting aside some parents do react with significant emotional response to this kind of thing.

it’s unpleasant to watch and unpleasant to be part of.

i’m now divorced and incredibly grateful I no longer have to have anything to do with that dysfunctional family at all!

I don't know the ages of these people but I wonder if it's the baby boomer generation whose parents had gone through the war and suffered deprivation, rationing etc and brought their children (i.e. these now older adults) up to think that anything other than the bare minimum is 'greedy'. I've seen it in my own relatives of this age.

Doubtful - anyone with living memories of the war would be at least 90 now. Boomers were the babies born post-WW2.

I think you really just need to bite the bullet and deal with the fallout.

"Is that one pizza for all of us? Ha, DC will easily eat a whole pizza themselves! I'll just walk around to the Co-op and grab some more pizzas, is there anything else you need whilst I'm there?"

Or if you feel like being more direct or there's no shops in walking distance:

"Thanks for picking us up from the train station! Would you mind just stopping by Aldi on the way home? I know you two eat like birds but we and DC need more calories so we'll stock up on snacks now."

This. The reason we‘ve never addressed the very meagre portions in a similar dynamic. We make sure we go out for a large lunch and have snacks with us.

I‘m sure someone out there must have healthy family dynamics, but if you don’t the normal rules don’t apply.

It does sound complicated, but can you see that given the choice between their children never visiting, and having an honest conversation about food, most people would prefer to listen to their children and find a better way of managing meals? They would rather resolve a disagreement?

You and your husband would rather neglect your children than offend his parents? Wow

Eurgh. Your issue here isn’t your PIL it’s your husband.

Tell him to get a spine and let his parents know that you’ll be bringing extra food as their appetites don’t match yours.

It’s really that simple.

DH is a tall, large man with a large appetite. But he just wants a nice time, no conflict.

You need to start causing conflict with him and tell him unless he speaks up you and the children won't be going again. He needs to tell them that you need much more food and growing children certainly do.

One crumpet each for tea and who the hell cuts fairy cakes in half?

I'd insist on staying at home for Christmas too.

Absolute nonsense! My mum was born in the early 1940s and remembers the war well and she’s early 80s!

@Octavia64 to me it sounds the response was because her control was being challenged

Blunter than I'd have put it but this in a nutshell.

If you aren't giving your children enough food you are neglecting them.

Your children's needs are more important than your in laws feelings.

When it comes to feeding my children I’m afraid offending people just doesn’t feature. Why are you letting them go hungry just because you’re afraid to speak up? That’s shit.

@Merrymouse I know I would.

Unless I didn't like my adult DC nor GC and wanted to make it so unpleasant they didn't visit I'd be mortified people were suffering in silence like this and I'd be genuinely horrified if they thought my ego was sopo fragile it couldn't cope with being told they need something !!

Mortified.

It would have ended when she was a toddler/pre schooler if she was born in the early 40s! She must have a great memory.

DH's aunt's first memory is WWII ending when she was 3 - it was a pretty momentous thing, I'm not surprised it stuck! I remember my brother being born from the same age and he was a much less important world event...

Also rationing continued long after the war.

They're not boomers though - boomer year range starts in 1946.

Wow. So many replies. Thank you for the mostly helpful responses. I need to talk to them and I will. I like the idea of ordering a shop to them. Christmas has been vetoed (this year)

My ILs are the same, OP. The problem is it's not just ignorance - not just that they don't know we'd like to eat more - it's that they actively think it's morally superior to eat less and to never, ever risk wasting a scrap. One of the things that annoys me is that they're very critical of my own parents, who are very generous hosts (or, as they would see it, waste food and enable greediness). They are much better with the children, though I suspect that if mine weren't both boys ('growing boys' seems to be the one category of people who are accepted to need food) it might be much worse. They are otherwise nice people but have some very deep-seated food issues that they're, realistically, not going to overcome in their 80s. We have shifted much more and more to them coming to us rather than the other way round, and while I have to bite my tongue as they gasp dramatically at how much food I've made, I find it much easier to handle with some sympathy and generosity of spirit when I'm not hungry!

The op has an option she either books a holiday away for Christmas or she puts up with their judgement. She has two options a good or a shit Christmas. The op has already mentioned they have tried bringing food and even mentioned a B&B. I know which one out of the two I would prefer a Christmas away sipping alcohol and eating plenty of food. They can visit other times of the year or he can go alone. The problem is ops husband sees nothing wrong with it and wants a peaceful time. She's at a loss already.

Good rent a cottage if you can with a fireplace.

Oh FFS I have zero patience for that kind of crap. DH needs to grow a pair and stick up for his hungry and miserable family. And I certainly wouldn’t be spending Christmas with them, life is too short!!!!

if they weren't feeding us enough? for sure. And then i would make sure that any subsequent visits included enough food. (i always offer to pay, they always refuse and always lay on a huge spread anyway)

Not speaking up when your own children are hungry? whether they are ILs or parents is lazy useless pathetic parenting.

The OP's PIL are not your parents.

I haven't said they must go for Christmas, but if the problem has not been discussed, it's neither fair nor pragmatic to assume that the only solution is not to visit again.

Every time we went there I cooked and brought food she got stink with me.