To think parents are more responsible for the relationship with an adult child?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

My oldest dd is 24 and our relationship is a bit strained. She was living away for university and is now back living at home with dd2 (22, also back home post graduation) and dd3 (18).

Dd1 has become quite distant and uncommunicative. She goes in and out to work without even a hello or goodbye. She is quite likely autistic but hasn’t as of yet looked into a diagnosis. If her behaviour is a result of possible autism, that’s absolutely fine but I’m worried.

A few months ago she was upset at the actions of Dh and I. We had booked a ballet performance for me, Dh and dd3 and didn’t ask her. She was very hurt and upset about this. I felt bad and sincerely apologised to her. Since then, there’s been a few other things that have upset her and I seem to be walking on eggshells a bit.

There has also been a long standing issue between dd1 and dd3. Dd3 developed an intense dislike for dd1 nearly 2 years ago and we don’t know why. Dh and I try and support both of them without getting involved but it’s hard when they both claim they’re being bullied.

I had a difficult relationship with my own mother who blamed both me and my sister for everything, and didn’t do much for nurturing the relationship. Maybe this has clouded my view but I always thought when I became a parent that the relationship with your child is paramount and it’s the parent’s responsibility to maintain it.

Dd2 also claims that her older sister is hard to live with saying she is passive aggressive, never apologises and seems to care only about our cat.

I feel so disconnected from dd1 and don’t know how to get it back.

Is it all my responsibility or do adult dc also have a part to play in their relationship with their parents? I keep reading about people going NC with their parents, they must have good reasons for this and I want to be the best parent I can be.

Could DD1 be depressed? If this behaviour only started in the last couple of years I suspect there is something that has led to it rather than it just being her personality.
If she is autistic her emotional maturity would likely be lower than someone else her age. I'd usually say that it's a joint responsibility of parents and child at that age but if there is more too her behaviour I think the parents should meet her where she is and put in some extra effort.

No, you are both adults so both responsible but it’s up to you to try and forge a relationship. Sometimes parents and children don’t have a lot in common and sometimes a connection can be difficult but see if the can get her even out for a coffee or a meal

I think that if a child has lived away, it’s difficult for them to integrate back into family life. They’ve become Independent and used to doing things their own way, and have forgotten that life, at home, continued without them.

So you booked tickets for you and dd3, which you would have done when dd1 was away.

Dd2 is probably correct about dd1s attitude. Dd2, Dd1 and yourselves have got used to living without dd1 and developed your own routines etc. DD1 is expecting to slot straight back in line she used to do, forgetting that she has grown up as well.

Dd1 did have some mental health problems in year 13. She accepted help and went on medication which helped. She now manages her own health but doesn’t discuss it with me.

Difficult life stage. Seems they want it all the upside of parents providing the home comforts and treats to theatre etc yet also bring independent.

Both sides are responsible for the relationship.

I think you have posted about your daughter before?
Of course, if there are two adults in any kind of relationship then they are both equally responsible for its success.
But it's really difficult for an adult child to go back to living in somebody else's house (even their parents) after they've been away.
At 24, it would be better for all of you if your eldest daughter makes plans to move out. She needs her independence, and to not have parents fussing around her.

There has also been a long standing issue between dd1 and dd3. Dd3 developed an intense dislike for dd1 nearly 2 years ago and we don’t know why. Dh and I try and support both of them without getting involved but it’s hard when they both claim they’re being bullied.
Have you posted about this before.when dd3 refuses to eat if dd1 is at.the family meal, and dd3 wants you to evict dd1.from the family home?

Agree with the pp comments re integrating back into the home environment and social order. It's changed since she's been away quite rightly but she might feel quite lost in that new dynamic and how to 'fit in'. Your both responsible for the relationship but it may be on you to facilitate a caring conversation as to what's going on for her.
I remember when my sister came home from university and working away after, and I was so put out! I also remember her being frustrated at simple things like being cooked for when her diet had completely changed and she was used to seeing to herself. All went back to normal when she bought her first house and the dynamic levelled out.

Oh cross post @Cynic17 the dd3 I remember was very pandered to to the detriment of the other dc, and parents seemed scared of her.

I agree with you. Parents should accept responsibility for their relationship with their adult children.
My children have every right to look back at their childhood and decide if they want a relationship with me. I, however, don't have that right - I need to be responsible for any past actions that may have damaged our relationship. My children didn't choose me, or how I brought them up. I chose to have them and have made thousands of decisions on their behalf. I hope I did well, I think I did, but that's not my call to make.

I will never give up on my relationship with my children.

I think you've posted about her before too? The dynamic between the three sisters along with the possible ASD seem familiar. What advice did you take forward from the last thread about them?

Yes, you have a good memory. I get that it’s difficult for dd1 to be living like this but although as much as dd3 is unreasonable, dd1 isn’t completely blameless.

Dh and I have tried talking to dd1, ask her if she’s ok, anything she wants to talk about but she says things are ok. Maybe I should stop trying so hard. I don’t want dd1 to think we don’t love her and care for her (which we obviously do a lot).

We’ve been trying to put in clearer boundaries and stop telling dd3 where her sister is. Dd1 is often not around at dinner time due to varying shift patterns.

But that's shit. And poor parenting the fact that you even let dd3 believe she has the right to control/decide/must be told about dd1s plans is bonkers!
Why the favouritism?

Dh and I have tried talking to dd1, ask her if she’s ok, anything she wants to talk about but she says things are ok. Maybe I should stop trying so hard
Yeah, why wonder about the needs and wellbeing of other dc, when your no1 child hates her siblings...

I realise we got a lot wrong. We allowed dd3’s autism to rule everything. I wrongly thought we were meeting her needs but the pendulum swung way too far. We are trying to address that now.

I’m not sure what you mean by this?

My sister ruled everything in our house growing up. She had to know everything about me, where I was, who I was with, she even told my Mother when I had to leave the house because my sister had plans. Unfortunately my Mother went along with it and I distanced myself so much from my Mother when I moved out. The relationship never got better as she kept going on about my sister when I was spending time with just her.

You need to set boundaries with your DD3. And you need to make it clear to DD1 you still love her. Take her out for the day just you two? Take her to her favourite place to eat. Make her feel special. And do not mention DD2 or DD3 to her when you do take her out.

Good luck.

@Xxxxxohno We keep offering to dd1 a meal out or even just tea or a walk but she says she’s busy with work. Her birthday was in May, we took her out to her favourite steak restaurant, nice gifts, cake etc and she seemed to enjoy it. It’s now August and we haven’t spent any proper time together since then.

Last year I took dd1 to Paris. We had a lovely time together. I wish we could get that connection back.

OK apologies (slightly) but I have a friend from school who like pp is in the situation of dd1.
Everything at home revolved around dd3.
Like you, parents allowed dd3 to decide what the family could watch and when on tv, what and when they would eat... am sure on your pp dd3 was allowed to ban her sister from family meals?
What I meant was those parents like your previous threads, were so focused on ensuring the dd3 was happy and prioritised, they didn't see the neglect and impact on the rest of their children.
School friend is NC with her parents and her DC haven't met the grandparents, such was the dd3 level of control and jealousy. Very very sad.

@PamIsAVolleyballChamp that is very sad indeed. But I don’t think our situation is as bad as that. Dd3 doesn’t ban dd1 from meals, she just chooses not to eat in the same room as her. She tries to control things (fuelled by her own anxiety) but I always explain to her that I have 3 dds who I love very much and I try to balance everyone’s needs. I know how difficult it is for the older two to live with dd3 and I spend a lot of time thinking about their needs and how I can minimise the impact on them. I have always spent 1-to-1 time with all of them growing up, I think that’s important. And this thread is about dd1 and my worries about her.

If someone in the home refused to eat with me each day, I'd feel pretty bullied. It's not acceptable behaviour to shun someone like that.

Well yes, particularly when it was targeted only at one member of the family. Definitely bullying.

No it’s not @hadenoughnows but dd3 claims SHE is the one being bullied. Last weekend Dh and I were away for a night. Dd3 said that dd1 kept turning the lights off after dd3 had put them on. Obviously I wasn’t there and I haven’t heard dd1’s side of the story but it sounds like dd1 does things to deliberately piss her sister off. Then dd3 kept sending me definitions of bullying to back up her claim that she was being bullied.