To think parents are more responsible for the relationship with an adult child?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

My oldest dd is 24 and our relationship is a bit strained. She was living away for university and is now back living at home with dd2 (22, also back home post graduation) and dd3 (18).

Dd1 has become quite distant and uncommunicative. She goes in and out to work without even a hello or goodbye. She is quite likely autistic but hasn’t as of yet looked into a diagnosis. If her behaviour is a result of possible autism, that’s absolutely fine but I’m worried.

A few months ago she was upset at the actions of Dh and I. We had booked a ballet performance for me, Dh and dd3 and didn’t ask her. She was very hurt and upset about this. I felt bad and sincerely apologised to her. Since then, there’s been a few other things that have upset her and I seem to be walking on eggshells a bit.

There has also been a long standing issue between dd1 and dd3. Dd3 developed an intense dislike for dd1 nearly 2 years ago and we don’t know why. Dh and I try and support both of them without getting involved but it’s hard when they both claim they’re being bullied.

I had a difficult relationship with my own mother who blamed both me and my sister for everything, and didn’t do much for nurturing the relationship. Maybe this has clouded my view but I always thought when I became a parent that the relationship with your child is paramount and it’s the parent’s responsibility to maintain it.

Dd2 also claims that her older sister is hard to live with saying she is passive aggressive, never apologises and seems to care only about our cat.

I feel so disconnected from dd1 and don’t know how to get it back.

Is it all my responsibility or do adult dc also have a part to play in their relationship with their parents? I keep reading about people going NC with their parents, they must have good reasons for this and I want to be the best parent I can be.

@Cinaferna just had a look at that, thank you. I am making a conscious effort not to neglect the needs of dd1 and dd2. Yes mistakes have been made but I am trying to rectify those. Dd1 has always been a closed book, it’s difficult to gauge her feelings. Dd2 is much more open and I make time to talk to her, how she’s feeling, what I can do to support her etc.

Don't you think she's a 'closed book' because she knows its pointless sharing/telling you anything?

@goldtrap I don’t always respond to dd3 when she wants to talk. I’m working more days now and have my own life, friends, going out with Dh etc so sometimes I tell her she has to wait.

Dh tries hard, dd3 has been pretty horrible to him in the past so naturally he’s wary. Things are better between them now but she wouldn’t open up to him like how she does with me.

No, she’s always been like that.

Dd1 will talk if she’s got something specific to say. She’s not one for general chit chat or emotional stuff. Dd2 once said to dd1 she wanted to ‘work on their relationship’ Dd1 wanted to run a mile 😂

dd3 has been pretty horrible to him in the past so naturally he’s wary.
So is he wary, or is he responsible for the relationship? (to address your opening question). If responsible, he needs to get over the 'wary'.

she wouldn’t open up to him like how she does with me.
I can only go on the examples you have given here, but sending you definitions of bullying, 'convincing you' and 'arguing her point' doesn't sound like 'opening up'. Perhaps she doesn't pull that shit with him because she knows how it would land.

@user1492757084 what about if your adult child was being bullied by someone else? You’d really brush if off and expect them to sort it out? (Hypothetical question).

Dh tries hard, dd3 has been pretty horrible to him in the past so naturally he’s wary.

Yet, it is believed that DD1 is bullying DD3?

Yes I think you’re right about that @goldtrapand I think dd3 knows she can get round me.

Which light switches were being turned off, and when? Sounds petty, but I think there’s a difference between a sibling turning hall and landing lights off at 1am so they can sleep, and walking into their sibling’s bedroom and turning that light off. How annoying was DD1 being, according to DD3? What does DD1 say? This does sound petty on the face of it, and I would do what my friend did whose adult DC fought (literally) over the TV remote - tell them very clearly to behave properly or they could both leave.

Perhaps, your DD1 was happy with their relationship and/or didn’t see an issue that needed a discussion? Could she have felt blindsided by it?

yes she was happy with their relationship ticking along. I used that as an example to show how very different dd1 and dd2 are. Dd2 finds dd1 very difficult currently, she says she’s selfish, hard to communicate with and doesn’t seem to care about anyone other than the cat. My MIL has been very ill recently, dd1 didn’t say one word of support to Dh ☹️

From what you have written it sounds like DD3 is the bully in your house and you pander to her at the expense of her siblings.

You need to put some boundaries in place with your youngest and I suspect your relationship with your eldest would improve if it became apparent that DD3 wasn't the ruler of the house.

@Maray1967 it was the hall light and it wasn’t late, around 9pm. Dd3 wanted them on (she gets a bit scared if the house is dark, especially if we’re away). Dd1 kept turning them off (repeatedly).

Oh this gave me flashbacks. I would have said the exact same about my sister's behaviour. You DD is telling you she can do no right, no one believes her and she is trapped. I was also called "aloof and monosyllabic" as id learnt over a lifetime that talking or complaining got me no where.
If you want to rebuild a relationship you need to rebalance family life fast, and support DD1 effectively. She wants to break into a v difficult field, surely there is something you can do to support her. DD3 eating away at her self confidence is damaging her aims.

@turkeyboots i think that’s a bit of a reach. We have always supported dd1 with her dance career, both emotionally and financially. I’m a big believer in supporting dc with their dreams. Dh and I often try to check in with dd1 but she insists all is ok. We tell her she can always talk to us about things and we will listen. And we acknowledge our past mistakes and want to put things right. I don’t know what else we can do, short of turning the clock back.

I agree with this.
DD3 is coming across clearly as your favourite in the posts. Her receiving the diagnosis at 11 probably meant your attention was focussed mostly on her.
You need to look in the mirror and start being faker to the older children. I really feel for your DD1, you need to apologise to her and try to repair things with her and set boundaries d’agir DD3.

She is being excluded and it seems you’re making very little effort with her. These things should be resolved within days and not left to worsen over months.

@MamaElephantMama did you see my post above? What else can I do? I started this post because of my worries about dd1 and want to devote time and attention to her.

Now you really sound like my mum. Family roles can be very damaging and if you are being told "everything's fine" when you yourself are concerned, you need to work off her actions, not her words.

How @turkeyboots ? I really want to put in time and effort with dd1.

I think it's going to take time OP. It sounds like DD1 has drawn boundaries around herself for protection and you have to build the trust back slowly.

Firm family life boundaries so DD3 s behaviour is managed and tackled will help. But DD1 is 24, so you are going to have to wait for her to see the changes and hopefully come back to you.

It’s a tough one. I think at that age it’s more 50/50, where you both add things together. Have you thought about asking all 3 of your daughters if they want some 1 on 1 time with you to do something? Could be something you or they enjoy or something completely new to you both. At least you’re then tried to become a little closer with DD1, without upsetting the others.

If DD1 was turning them off repeatedly then DD3 was turning them on repeatedly. Both of them looking to get what they wanted over their sister. Yet, in your mind, only one was a bully.