To think parents are more responsible for the relationship with an adult child?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

My oldest dd is 24 and our relationship is a bit strained. She was living away for university and is now back living at home with dd2 (22, also back home post graduation) and dd3 (18).

Dd1 has become quite distant and uncommunicative. She goes in and out to work without even a hello or goodbye. She is quite likely autistic but hasn’t as of yet looked into a diagnosis. If her behaviour is a result of possible autism, that’s absolutely fine but I’m worried.

A few months ago she was upset at the actions of Dh and I. We had booked a ballet performance for me, Dh and dd3 and didn’t ask her. She was very hurt and upset about this. I felt bad and sincerely apologised to her. Since then, there’s been a few other things that have upset her and I seem to be walking on eggshells a bit.

There has also been a long standing issue between dd1 and dd3. Dd3 developed an intense dislike for dd1 nearly 2 years ago and we don’t know why. Dh and I try and support both of them without getting involved but it’s hard when they both claim they’re being bullied.

I had a difficult relationship with my own mother who blamed both me and my sister for everything, and didn’t do much for nurturing the relationship. Maybe this has clouded my view but I always thought when I became a parent that the relationship with your child is paramount and it’s the parent’s responsibility to maintain it.

Dd2 also claims that her older sister is hard to live with saying she is passive aggressive, never apologises and seems to care only about our cat.

I feel so disconnected from dd1 and don’t know how to get it back.

Is it all my responsibility or do adult dc also have a part to play in their relationship with their parents? I keep reading about people going NC with their parents, they must have good reasons for this and I want to be the best parent I can be.

Onwards in positivity @bendmeoverbackwards!

I suppose you could start with just not getting involved with their arguments?
So when either come to you with spurious whinges (like the lightswitch debacle) you just don't engage? It'll be hard I know!

I have two ASD children still at home dd 17 and ds 15, they both have very different personalities. My DD has a very similar personality to how you describe your dd1, and my son is very bouncy, smiley, and full of energy. My ds15 really started to bother my dd17 and she declared often that she disliked him etc. It wasn't until I took a step back and realised that every time my DD wanted to do anything ( like use the bathroom, kitchen, watch TV etc) my DS would immediately rush from wherever he was in the house and get there first, it was very interesting to me that I'd never noticed. I obviously put a stop to his behaviour and they now get on a lot better.
My DD also struggles to show empathy and probably would not realise that she needed to in the situation that you described about your DH.
I understand what you're going through, I have five DC altogether and three are definitely ASD and the other two have strong traits, it certainly makes for some unusual parenting problems.
I am asd too and am not sure about etiquette on forums and things , so I hope my comments are ok .
Best of luck

Of course, she does because she knows she can.

And yes, tell her you are not going to get involved. DD3 may eventually move out and have roommates someday. She’s going to have to learn how to handle small disagreements on her own without running to mummy.

When you do tell her, pay attention to her reaction, because either she’ll accept it or make a a big issue out of it and if she does the latter, ask why she needs your input and what she expects you to do.

But if someone wants the lights off and someone keeps turning them on…. ?

DD1 clearly finds the right words difficult to find. So judge her by her actions.

It's not abuse, its tittle tattle between siblings. Tell DD3 to stop it and to stop being so childish. Ignore her when she comes to you and tries to get you involved. tell her to grow up and start behaving like an adult

Depends who was in the room first. If i was in a room and had the lights on and my sibling kept turning them off there would have been a physical fight. The other sibling can go somewhere else if they don't like it, they don't have to sit in the same room as i am already in.

I'm also wondering if not minimising the claims of abuse is the right thing to do here. It isn't abuse, even you don't think it's abuse. I think DD3 needs to be taught the difference between real abuse and a family disagreement. You see plenty of people that think this way on here (all those "narcissistic" MILs when 9/10 it's just a disagreement) and those people always come across as very unhappy.

No, it’s dd1 who claims that dd3 is abusing her. Dd3 has been calling dd1 ‘it’ and ‘thing’ ☹️

Your DD3 sounds horrible. She's bullying for sure.

All the children are adults. If they want to live at home, in a house owned and paid for by you and your husband they should behave decently to each other, stop the bickering and sniping and if they don’t like it leave. Stop walking on eggshells

Do you really wonder why DD1 is so distant and prefers the company of the cat when she lives in a house with a person who treats her like this?

If DD1 was here I think people would tell her to find her safe people and safe space elsewhere because she's not going to find it with her family. From what you've said it sounds like DD3 has been pandered to the point of becoming a really hideous person.

@WhatNoRaisins I think you’re right sadly and my heart breaks for dd1. All this time I just thought we were meeting dd3’s needs but it’s got way out of hand. I must focus on dd1 and try and rebuild trust. I just hope this is salvageable.

I'd also encourage DD1 with her friendships and any opportunities to meet new people. It could make it easier to cope with how DD3 treats her if she has more people in her life that treat her decently.

Absolutely @bendmeoverbackwards how do you respond/interject with that appalling behaviour of dd3?
Or do you support her in expressing these feelings as she'd be upset if you didn't?

@PamIsAVolleyballChamp we pick her up on it each time. Name calling is not tolerated, we’ve told dd3 her WiFi will be turned off each time she does it.

God, id be desperate for them all to leave home and take their petty squabbles with them. No idea how you put up with it all op.

And do you do it? For how long and how does she respond?

In this case it’s the hallway. I doubt anyone is sitting there.

Each time?
Turn it off for long enough for her to learn her behaviour is thoroughly unacceptable. Lock her out of wifi until she apologises properly and undertakes to behave decently in future.

Funnily enough, since we’ve put that rule in place, the name calling is much reduced.

But still continues?

The name calling has pretty much stopped. But dd3 will avoid dd1 in the house.

@bendmeoverbackwards

My observation, from your posts, is that DD3 is still very much able to manipulate you and twist you around, that you are still very enmeshed in her world view and favour her to the detriment of her siblings, especially your eldest DD as she dislikes her so much. I’m not sure that approach is doing DD3 any favours at all, I’m afraid, and the way she has behaved towards your DD3, and indeed her own father, has been utterly abhorrent.

I would also observe that anything DD1 does “wrong” is viewed quite negatively, whilst DD3’s transgressions are viewed with understanding and even kindness. There is very clearly favouritism towards DD3, who gets to behave absolutely appallingly with very mild censure, at best, and you wonder why DD1 is withdrawn and says she “doesn’t care anymore”?

My suggestion would be that your eldest daughter doesn’t trust that you are actually going to put her needs first, or even place them equally alongside DD3’s. She doesn’t think that you will believe her if her sister complains about her behaviour or accuses her of doing something. I think she probably picks up on the wider family dynamics, not just her youngest sister’s feelings towards her. So, I’m not surprised she is fairly uncommunicative and monosyllabic, if I’m honest. Add in someone who is introverted (and possibly has ASD, according to you), and I think you are having trouble seeing the nose on your face, so to speak.

Your eldest child is quite clearly a quiet person who prefers to keep things to herself, and certainly sounds like has traits that would be consistent with autism but obv nobody on a forum could diagnose her from that. You make allowances for DD3, accept her differences, but cannot seem to do the same for your eldest. It baffles me that you can do it for one, but not the other- even though you admit you think DD1 may be neurodiverse.

You say DD3 seems to lack empathy because she didn’t say anything supportive to your DH about his mother- but has she shown support in other ways? Not everyone is good at expressing things the way they want, but it sounds like she did visit her with DH recently- that is possibly her showing support in a way she feels manageable. Judge her in the round, not just in what she says (or doesn’t).

Also, if she does have ASD this might be an area where she struggles- verbalising her feelings and thoughts. You aren’t even sure DD3 said anything to DH (you “think she might have spoken to him about it”)- but you haven’t felt the need to clarify whether she did /what she said. Why then, are you so negative about DD1’s lack of appropriate response, given that you weren’t that bothered whether DD3 has or has not been supportive? You hold your children to very different standards, despite recognising both have their own difficulties.

You and DD2 sound quite harsh in your judgement towards DD1. It’s possible she picks up that she is not especially welcomed by DD2 and detested by DD3. It’s not a family/home environment that would make me feel comfortable and emotionally safe to be open about things that are hurtful or feeling able to be free with my feelings and thoughts. Then add in a mother who is easily manipulated by the sibling who detests her, who has in the past allowed that sibling to behave appallingly towards her (and I’d agree with her, elements of your dd3’s behaviour towards her sister do sound abusive) and even defended it to some degree- and I think I’d be keeping myself emotionally very closed off from my family too, for my own emotional well-being.

I’m not saying DD1 is perfect- she’ll be as flawed as the rest of us- but I suspect some of the closed off/aloofness may be a defence mechanism on top of her natural tendency/personality.

You have hurt your daughter, damaged her trust in you, and your relationship with her, with your past behaviour and ongoing (though sounds like to a lesser degree than previously) enabling behaviour of your youngest daughter.

How do you fix it? You take a long hard look at your family dynamics, you address the imbalances, you take time to rebuild the trust by being consistent in showing the changes, you show your DD1 you appreciate where you were wrong- and hope that over time it is enough to repair it.

Thank you @jacks11 you are very insightful and I am taking what you say on board.

Dh and I actually discussed dd1’s possible autism with a counsellor recently. Counsellor suggested that dd’s aloofness might be due to autism and suggested we take her at face value when she says she’s ok. As I said, if the reason for her distance is autism, that’s absolutely fine by me, I love her unconditionally and accept just how she is. But if it’s due to unhappiness then that is obviously very worrying and something I want to put right. I imagine it’s a combination of both factors.