To think parents are more responsible for the relationship with an adult child?

[bendmeoverbackwards]

My oldest dd is 24 and our relationship is a bit strained. She was living away for university and is now back living at home with dd2 (22, also back home post graduation) and dd3 (18).

Dd1 has become quite distant and uncommunicative. She goes in and out to work without even a hello or goodbye. She is quite likely autistic but hasn’t as of yet looked into a diagnosis. If her behaviour is a result of possible autism, that’s absolutely fine but I’m worried.

A few months ago she was upset at the actions of Dh and I. We had booked a ballet performance for me, Dh and dd3 and didn’t ask her. She was very hurt and upset about this. I felt bad and sincerely apologised to her. Since then, there’s been a few other things that have upset her and I seem to be walking on eggshells a bit.

There has also been a long standing issue between dd1 and dd3. Dd3 developed an intense dislike for dd1 nearly 2 years ago and we don’t know why. Dh and I try and support both of them without getting involved but it’s hard when they both claim they’re being bullied.

I had a difficult relationship with my own mother who blamed both me and my sister for everything, and didn’t do much for nurturing the relationship. Maybe this has clouded my view but I always thought when I became a parent that the relationship with your child is paramount and it’s the parent’s responsibility to maintain it.

Dd2 also claims that her older sister is hard to live with saying she is passive aggressive, never apologises and seems to care only about our cat.

I feel so disconnected from dd1 and don’t know how to get it back.

Is it all my responsibility or do adult dc also have a part to play in their relationship with their parents? I keep reading about people going NC with their parents, they must have good reasons for this and I want to be the best parent I can be.

I think it would annoy anyone if they wanted the lights on and someone else kept turning them off, no?

I think it would annoy anyone if they wanted the lights off and someone else kept turning them on, no?

you have some very childish adult children.

Why are they running to you telling tales - tell them you aren't interested in their tittle tattle and telling tales on each other. Tell them to grow up and stop acting like 5yr olds then walk away.

Or vice versa 😉

Also, annoying - sure. Bullying? Hmmm.
Not everything is a trauma.

I agree that dd3 is very childish. Dd1 doesn’t really complain about her sister but she sees her behaviour towards her as abuse and I don’t want to minimise that by brushing it off.

Your last statement is so incredibly smug. Well-done you - we should all aspire to being the parent you are.

I recognise you from other posts ,
Doesn't DD 2 have a boyfriend visiting that dd1 had issues with ,and your getting stuck in the middle somewhat.
In which case you've left out a lot of information that you put on your other posts

So many drip feeds
Why didn't you put all the information on at the start
People can't help with only half the story

From what you’ve posted about DD2, she reads to be extroverted and sociable whereas DD1 is not and DD2 struggles with having a sibling who isn’t more sociable and open like her.

If DD3 was catered to due to her autism and DD2 is open and sociable, where did that leave DD1?

My MIL has been very ill recently, dd1 didn’t say one word of support to Dh

Is your DH not DD1’s father?

If this is her grandmother, wouldn’t she be talking to her grandmother herself?

Did your DH expect/want DD1 to say something or is this your expectation?

Maybe my family is different but when family members are poorly, we would talk to them ourselves, and only pass along support through a family member if we didn’t have the means (no phone number/ message) to talk to them ourselves.

it was the hall light and it wasn’t late, around 9pm. Dd3 wanted them on (she gets a bit scared if the house is dark, especially if we’re away). Dd1 kept turning them off (repeatedly).

Is it just the hall light that stays on or are more lights required? Why was DD1 turning them off? Both had their reasons but as another poster said, why are you accepting DD3’s claim that DD1 is bullying her over turning off the lights knowing DD3’s treatment of DD1 and other family members?

If you have one DC with autism,you likely have others to ,plus a parent to have passed it on.
So that's girls not maturing at the same rate as peers
And lots of miscommunication between parents and DC ,due to autism.
I've commented before on your threads
It does sound very difficult
But start by lowering your expectations of them all getting on
Start with ,simple family rules
No violence,
Everyone must treat each other with respect.
Bare minimum,no violence,and respect..knock before you going bedrooms ect.
Try to think what each girl needs and how you can help
Try to think about autism assessment,start with doctor appointment .
As a parent you can't keep everyone happy all the time
You can just be fair ,and respectful

No, must have been someone else, dd2 doesn’t have a boyfriend.

@phoenixrosehere yes Dh is father to all 3. MIL’s speech is very bad so telephone contact is not possible at the moment. Yes I think Dh did expect some words of support, we’re looking at palliative care now sadly. Dh explained this to all of them, dd2 offered words of comfort to her dad, think dd3 did too. Dd1 said nothing and continued to fuss over the cat. She did visit her grandma with Dh though yesterday.

Exactly, and that proves dd1s difficultly, you are so skewed to poor dd3 being the innocent little victim, you'll never see that she could be the instigator?
Why doesn't dd3 get a night light?

What repercussions are there for her rudeness and horrible behaviour other than her be encouraged to have a 'look what you made me do!!' attitude.!

But I recognise your updates,so I have commented before.

I've got 4 adult DC
Two have diagnosis of autism,as have I.
Two haven't, because I didn't understand autism when they were younger,
Had I know then ,what I know now ,I would of got them assessed
Mine are respectful of each other ,polite to each other .
But sadly for me ,that's as far as it goes .
The close relationship between my children,that I hoped for , simply isn't going to happen..and that's sad ,and it's hard to come to terms with.
But you can't force these things

Perhaps, she wasn’t sure what to say, processing it since it is also her grandmother too, maybe thought it wouldn’t sound genuine after the others said it. Plenty of reasons for not saying something at the time without it meaning she doesn’t care.

It all sounds like they just have different personalities and are in the part of their lives where they are navigating early adulthood and once that settles down, they’ll be in better places. Maybe they’ll find common ground, maybe they won’t but you cannot force it and can only be supportive of them all in the ways they individually need.

With all three in the house, it may be necessary as another poster said to set some house rules and have them all agree to them including keeping you and your DH out of petty disagreements ( the light bulb situation ) and to figure it out between themselves instead of trying to make you choose sides and knowing who to work to do so.

Yes, I agree - why was she turning them off? It seems reasonable to have them on by that time when it’s going dark. I would have a firm conversation with DD1 about this. But equally well, I would not tolerate an 18 year old eating dinner in their own room to avoid a sibling. But I don’t have ND DC, so I’m prepared to be told that has to happen.

dd2 offered words of comfort to her dad, think dd3 did too. Dd1 said nothing and continued to fuss over the cat.
Do you don't know if dd3 offered 'words of comfort'? She may not have, but you skim over that and focus on dd1?

I’m pretty sure she did speak to Dh about it. Dd3, in spite of her difficulties, does have empathy. Dd1 seems to lack this, dd2 has also noticed this. And it’s not a recent thing.

Dd1 seems to lack this, dd2 has also noticed this

omg your house sounds exhausting! Who said what, she said this, she didn't do that. Blimey. No wonder DD1 is like...yup, laters

It sounds like DD1 is aware of how her siblings dislike her and is withdrawing as much as she can. From her perspective you are siding with DD3 and while obviously the reality is very nuanced she could see that as you being against her.

I've no idea if she lacks empathy as I don't know her but I'm always wary when people accuse others of this.

So you dd3 and dd2 talk negatively about dd1 and dissect her behaviour.
Which am sure dd3 never feeds back to dd1
.. "mum says you have no empathy"...

Can't possibly wonder why she acts towards you like she does...

No, I didn’t discuss it with either of her sisters. Just something that Dh noticed.

So how do I improve things? Tell them I’m not getting involved any more? Dd3 tries her utmost to draw me in.

I’m glad I posted and am taking all comments on board. Feel quite sad about it all, I grew up in fairly unhappy circumstances and all I wanted was my own family when I was older. It felt like a dream come true when the dds were younger. Now I feel it’s gone wrong and I am partly responsible for that. Disappointed with myself that I’ve made some parenting fails, I just hope I can rebuild the relationship with dd1.

When I’ve posted previously about this, there seemed to be more sympathy with dd3.